9 Father’s Day Gifts This Dad Doesn’t Want

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A father is always teaching and it’s time we taught you how we actually want to be appreciated on Father’s Day.

Yes, the thought counts. But when you blow our money on the following things, then perhaps we should be clear about that thought. My Dad used to frustrate me every time I asked him what he wanted for Father’s Day. His annual response was, “Socks and underwear”. How boring. Now, as a father, I realize that we can always use the basics. And he was trying to avoid getting the usual gifts on this list. Dads ask for so little.

Wives and kids of all ages, listen up, pay attention and never get us these:

1. An expensive restaurant Dad has to pay for. Thanks for picking out the steak-house that is packed with other dads over-spending for an inflated holiday menu. Here’s a toast to me paying the bill while the kids eat my dessert.

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2. A singing card from the pet. I know Whiskers didn’t sign this card with his backwards-letter animal signature. I also know that you spent at least seven dollars so I can hear “Who Let the Dogs Out” twenty times today. That could have been at least three pairs of socks I could use.

3. Anything that farts or burps. This includes cards, bottle openers, beer mugs, talking wall fish, etc.  I understand that I often don’t hide my body’s venting. But I realize every Father’s Day that’s how you see us. I’m just a cartoon fart machine to you.  Fine. Fatherhood doesn’t always come with dignity, but I don’t want the gift.  I don’t know how I’ve never heard my wife fart in 12 years of marriage, but I’m not buying her something to commemorate it.

4. An expensive tech gadget which we’ll never use. These are pricey ways to score points so make sure we’ll use it. My wife once got me an Ipod Mini with my name engraved on it. I never understood the engraving part, but regardless, three years later it has never been used. We bought my mother who can’t learn to text message an IPad. I found out she gave it to my sister.

5. Funny underwear, T-shirt, or tie. Sorry, I know this is a popular one, but chances are if it’s funny to a kid, then there’s no way I will ever wear it. Except one day when I’m out of laundry and forgetfully undress in the locker room revealing Donald Duck & Disney Friends boxer shorts.

6. A surprise. Women, please get this once and for all: Men don’t like surprises. Often the reason we’re even celebrating Father’s Day was a surprise. Whether or not that’s your case, men usually outgrow surprises by age 10. We prefer knowing things ahead of time and planning for them. The one exception being directions. That we prefer to just follow our manly instincts. For everything else we like a head’s up.

7. A comedy roast. This is more likely to apply to birthdays but never underestimate the well-intentioned terrible ideas wives and kids come up with. Like surprises, let’s just cover this now for all occasions. Just because we are funny and can dish-out the insults does not mean we can take it. In fact, the reason we got good at it is because we are sensitive and armed with defensive humor. Nobody wants to celebrate their one day with a barrage of insults. Even comedians wouldn’t be roasted if their agents didn’t tell them their career is over and it is roast or job at Payless Shoes. Zing!

8. Concert tickets to a band too old to be in concert.  I admire the thought; you saw that I once owned their album 20 years ago. But I have no interest in seeing them now at a county fair. If they were playing at a casino that’s slightly more appealing but I’d probably rather play Blackjack than be reminded how old and uncool I am.

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9. A gift certificate to spa or for a lesson on something I never do. I’m probably not going to redeem that manicure or the cooking class.  So do not buy it. I can’t return it. You’re throwing away good socks and underwear money and the thought doesn’t count, it costs.

Really, we long for these: A nap, peace and quiet, a nice home meal or good cheap meal out (I understand Hooters is out of the running), uninterrupted sports viewing, a pass to hang out with other male adults, socks and underwear, did I mention peace and quiet?

Fine, I’ll take the World’s Greatest Dad coffee mugs if it comes with a Bloody Mary. And hugs are always nice especially the longer ones from Mommy.

About the writer

“A blogging father of three” is probably the least offensive thing Zack has been called in his life. His mission in life is to control the world population by revealing the sticky, funny truths about fatherhood. He usually does so writing in first person at Then Kids Happened.

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Uncle Fester 2 weeks ago

The author has hit the nail right on the head. I’d love to simply be wished “happy Fathers Day” and then get left alone, but I understand that the kids want to do the whole gift-giving thing. So for the last 4 years I’ve been telling the missus “socks and jocks are always good” when she asks what I want for Fathers’ day. Despite this, I am yet to receive either socks or jocks. One year I was given a novelty Rubik’s cube coffee mug, which remains unused in its box since it is ironically maladapted to the task of drinking coffee. Once I received a fitbit flex (the “expensive tech gadget”) which has never been opened. Fathers day approaches again and my socks are all oddly matched and wearing thin – dare I hope for a single pair of socks?

Megan 8 months ago

You took this way too seriously and should probably never come back to this site again if this is how you handle a post.

As a female/mom/wife, I can completely understand why he thinks these things are sucky gifts. I wouldn’t want this crap either.

You probably laugh when women post lists of crappy Mother’s Day gifts so why can’t a man do the same?

And are you really suggesting that there aren’t men who are coerced to go to an overpriced steak house that they didn’t want to go to in the first place and they wind up paying for it all? If you think that doesn’t happen then you’re delusional.

OLD Dad 1 year ago

This is satirical comedy. Sheesh lighten up ladies. My kids are grown. I agree with most of what this guy is saying. Socks and underwear is strangely as very special gift to me. My Grandmother bought those for me on my birthday every year since is was 10. She passed a long time ago, yet when I get socks and underwear as a gift, it reminds me of her.
Remember folks, it is comedy, please do not take it serious.

kW 1 year ago

I’m a SAHM and I totally get what you mean about $$. I feel the same way on valemtine’s day. Quit spending my grocery budget on overpriced flowers and chocolates! Father’s Day is the easiest holiday: quiet time to watch sports, favorite meal and sex. Stereotypical? Sure, but if it works, it works!

Emily 1 year ago

I have mixed feeling about this post. Yes, I understand my dad probably wouldn’t want to pay the bill for dinner, but isn’t spending time with the family and enjoying a really nice meal the whole point? Money is just money, being with family is priceless. Luckily for my dad though he told me months ago what he wants cooked for dinner this year and we got him a gift he’s been really wanting and no-not socks OR underwear, he’s 54 I think he prefers to buy his own underwear. Anyways, dads should be grateful and enjoy whatever their child gets them for Father’s Day because the child probably bought it with her/his dad in mind and thought his/her dad would really enjoy it.

Kelly 1 year ago

As he types this his wife is sitting or laying next to him and he’s just trying to get some. lol

Anonymous 1 year ago

Yeah I’m the primary breadwinner in my house so I don’t like this reference either. Welcome to te 21st century.

Also women want te same things listed at the end.

Lindsay Perez 1 year ago

I got my husband a subscription to gizmocrate.com. He got the last month’s one and LOVED it 😀

Elleni Pippis 1 year ago

I’d never buy those things for a guy! Get him something he really wants or needs.

Jock McGinnis 1 year ago

i don’t believe in Mothers day or Fathers day, every day is awesome to be around my girls so really every day is great to be a dad for my girls!

Amber Nicole 1 year ago

Well he’d be getting precisely dick. :/

Keith Whitmore 1 year ago

In my case for fathers day, having the family over to the house is nice. I would love to have hugs, Hugs are really important to me. i was a bachelor for a long time before I married & then I found out what I was missing.
So, yes! Hugs are very important to me & being called Popsy, is another one I really enjoy hearing. I don’t need underware, I have lots of both. No, I don’t want to go out, I want to stay home and watch the kids run around or even swimn in the backyard pool. If i’m in my den & working on the pc you can bother me, no problem. But, if I’m passed out, please don’t bother me, let me snooze. After all it’s my day isn’t it??

Kursteen 1 year ago

Holy moly people lighten up a bit. It’s a funny site with posts that, for the most part are supposed the lighten your mood. I’m sure there’s been a post on here at some point about what mom doesn’t want for Mother’s Day.

Does Jill need to send out another note reminding us this is a community!

Sandy 1 year ago

The guy is just frugal. My husband shares his opinion about eating out for Father’s Day, and wouldn’t like most of the other items either. Given his choice, he’d always prefer to save money and eat at home, so on “his” day it makes sense that he gets his wish. He grills our dinner, so I’d be crazy to complain. (His frugal ways help make it possible for me to stay at home. I’d much rather have this than him insisting I get a job to support his addiction to Apple products.)

Courtney Salmon Kennedy 1 year ago

I guess my husband is weird. He will happily wear the quirky tie or stupid shirt ESPECIALLY if it’s from his kiddos. And, it’s our money, not “his” money. We have one of those weird marriages where we happily share our incomes with each other 😉

SCJ 1 year ago

Let’s parse this blog, shall we?

“A father is always teaching and it’s time we taught you how we actually want to be appreciated on Father’s Day”. Excellent work at being condescending directly from the start. It really sets the tone of “I am a complete asshole, so you wimmenz listen up” right away.

“Yes, the thought counts. But when you blow our money on the following things, then perhaps we should be clear about that thought.” Translation: “It is literally 1955 and you wimmenz literally do not make your own money.” You are really starting this off well, aren’t you? I’m not sure if you’ve looked at a calendar lately, Zack, but it’s 2014 and women have been earning money in the workforce for some time now. Did you know women have been Secretary of State? Mind-blowing, I know.

“Thanks for picking out the steak-house that is packed with other dads over-spending for an inflated holiday menu. Here’s a toast to me paying the bill while the kids eat my dessert.” Get your kids their own desserts, Zack, stop being such a goddamn skinflint. Also, I like that we’re continuing with the classic “women don’t have their own money because men are the sole breadwinners” trope, it’s certainly fun for the whole family. You don’t like steak or something? I fucking love steak, take me out to the Keg any time, Father’s Day or not. Especially Father’s Day, I’ll get the prime rib as rare as possible and smother it in that fucking horseradish. God damn. Don’t worry though, I’m sure your grumbling and moaning as you slowly drag your wallet out will be fresh on your kid’s minds when the time comes to pick out a nursing home.

” I know Whiskers didn’t sign this card with his backwards-letter animal signature.” And here I bet everyone thought they had you fooled.

“I also know that you spent at least seven dollars so I can hear “Who Let the Dogs Out” twenty times today.” How much do you pay on the cable package so you can hear it ad nauseum on Sunday Night Football?

“That could have been at least three pairs of socks I could use”. You know, Zack, I kind of like your mercenary approach to your family’s affections. I’m sure they do too. As you said, a father is always teaching, and they’ll probably put that brute practicality to use when they’re deciding on that nursing home I mentioned earlier.

“I’m just a cartoon fart machine to you”. You know, you’re giving off such a cliche man’s man vibe here that this wouldn’t shock me in the slightest.

“Fatherhood doesn’t always come with dignity, but I don’t want the gift.” I don’t believe that I’ve ever thought this of any gift my wife or children have given me. Cherish the gifts they give you, even the ridiculous ones, because they’re showing their affection for you, not fulfilling your goddamn Christmas wish list. Suck it up, buttercup.

“My wife once got me an Ipod Mini with my name engraved on it. I never understood the engraving part, but regardless, three years later it has never been used.” First of all the engraving is endearing – and free. Don’t worry, Zacky Bunker, she didn’t blow your money on that part. Second of all, how the FUCK do you not have a use for an iPod Mini? Do you not listen to music? I mean, not to get all Craig from South Park here, but if my wife and kids got me an iPod for Father’s Day I would be SO happy.

“Chances are if it’s funny to a kid, then there’s no way I will ever wear it. Except one day when I’m out of laundry and forgetfully undress in the locker room revealing Donald Duck & Disney Friends boxer shorts.” Can you be any less humourless? I mean, seriously. Are you that afraid of the tsk-tsking from your fellow humourless Menz? Of course, I’m the kind of person that wears that cartoon tie to the office just to piss people like you off. My FIL wore a Mickey Mouse watch to the office for quite some time after my wife bought it for him as a child. He used to sign important legal agreements with a cartoon pen that he got the same way. Between the two of you, guess who comes off as more self-confident?

“Women, please get this once and for all: Men don’t like surprises.” Women, please get this once and for all: Zack here doesn’t speak for us. I know lots of men that like surprises. I like surprises. Surprises of all kinds. My leather jacket last year was the best surprise my 4 year old ever ruined, the little monkey.

“men usually outgrow surprises by age 10” Again, speak for yourself there, chief. Of course, I would think men would outgrow the Father Knows Best era too, but here we are.

“We prefer knowing things ahead of time and planning for them.” Yeah, again, no. Many of us don’t prefer to schedule our family outings, holiday surprises, or sex life. Because it’s boring, you see.

“The one exception being directions. That we prefer to just follow our manly instincts.” See, this joke stopped being funny when GPS became standard in cars.

“Just because we are funny and can dish-out the insults does not mean we can take it.” Uh oh. Well, too late to turn back now.

“the reason we got good at it is because we are sensitive and armed with defensive humor.” Oh, I wouldn’t go so far as to say you got GOOD at it.

“Nobody wants to celebrate their one day with a barrage of insults.” Outside of The Office I really don’t see this happening.

“Even comedians wouldn’t be roasted if their agents didn’t tell them their career is over and it is roast or job at Payless Shoes. Zing!”. Uh, Zack, I checked the transcript, and there was no zing there. Sorry, bud. Guess you should brush up on your shoe sizes.

“Concert tickets to a band too old to be in concert.” False. There are no bands too old to be in concert. Have you seen the Rolling Stones? They’re going to keep playing until the sun explodes. Also, 20 years is not long enough ago to qualify for “old”. Born In The USA was 30 years ago, this month. Have you seen the Boss? Do you think the Boss is too old to be in concert? Be real, son. The only old one here is you.

“I’m probably not going to redeem that manicure or the cooking class.” My wife knows better than to get me a manicure because I just bite them off anyway, but what’s wrong with a cooking class? Does this fall under the “cartoon tie” section again? Are you too much of a Dapper Don Draper to learn some cooking techniques? I love cooking. I make a mean rogan josh. I relish the chance to learn something new. Don’t be so damn lazy, Zack. It’s unbecoming.

“You’re throwing away good socks and underwear money and the thought doesn’t count, it costs.” There’s that bean-counter mercenary attitude I’ve come to know and love. I bet your a lot of fun to be around during tax time, huh?

“Really, we long for these: A nap, peace and quiet, a nice home meal or good cheap meal out”. This is pretty much what you should have stuck with, old kid old sock.

“(I understand Hooters is out of the running)” Hooters is overpriced, the food sucks, and the atmosphere is frankly ridiculous. I mean, why bother?

“uninterrupted sports viewing, a pass to hang out with other male adults,”. God, it’s like I can hear Tim Allen grunting with every sentence.

“And hugs are always nice especially the longer ones from Mommy”. Agreed.

Loving the sexism, Zack. Thanks for representing our gender so excellently, we all really appreciate it.

Michelle Lardin 1 year ago

Wow. How about being appreciative you were thought of? It sounds like he sucks at being a husband and a father.

melinda 1 year ago

ya as a one time stay at home mom I was kind of offended about the continual reference to spending his money (meals, gadgets, etc.) im sure some people will think im being sensitive or don’t understand but I do now that my husband and I have switched rolls its still our money not his or mine.

Natalie Craig 1 year ago

Yep. Socks and boxers it is.

Christy Ruiz 1 year ago

Mine is getting black socks (work) and underroos as my 6 year old calls them. He is also getting a bike since I got one for mothers day.

Misty Elliott 1 year ago

Mine is getting an all paid fishing trip out on the ocean with our son. They are both stoked!

Rachel Josil Moody 1 year ago

whew! I am safe!

Misty Elliott 1 year ago

My guy would like a few of these. Whoever wrote this article is a snob. Feel sorry for his wife and kids! And I dont know about yours, but mine loves everything he gets from his children. If they got him a Donald duck shirt, he would wear it with pride!

Michelle Shipley Dumler 1 year ago

Read it to my husband, he concurs…

Samantha Wong MacFarlane 1 year ago

Isn’t father’s day next weekend?

Pj 1 year ago

Agreed

Pj 1 year ago

Seriously – ‘our’ money. Gosh. Some ‘women’ make money too. It’s amazing like that.

Kristie Brisby 1 year ago

Seriously people. Sarcastic site? Check. Jokes? Check. Lighten up.

Vanessa Sheldon 1 year ago

For father’s day, my hubby is getting a weekend away for his annual all guys camping trip. Now if only I could convince him to give me a weekend away every year at mothers day!!

Meredith Gregory 1 year ago

Lol this was funny! It’s a joke guys, lighten up! And Ronald Gregory is getting socks this year lol

momofeveryone 1 year ago

Haha! This was funny! And I am getting dh socks underwear and undershirt lol!

Tara Marotta 1 year ago

This guy is an ungreatful jerk in my opinion!! Whatever my boys want to pick out is just fine! A gift is a gift

Vanessa Knight 1 year ago

Wanna talk about what I didn’t want for Mother’s Day? Father’s Day is just reciprocation in June of what was dished out in May.

Lee 1 year ago

I’ll take a box of awesome from bespoke post. Or a golf nap–even the commercials are quiet! Better yet, a family hike. Let the kids run ahead, while we hold hands and catch up.

Kendra Fritz 1 year ago

Herpes?

Janna Erich Chiappetta 1 year ago

I bet this guy is divorced and doesn’t even have kids. Lol

Andrea White 1 year ago

Rude!!

Liz Garlena Estep 1 year ago

“Here’s a toast to me paying the bill while the kids eat my dessert.” This guy sure is obsessed with “his” money.

Sandy Hecker Carahaly 1 year ago

“When you blow our money…”??? Hello, 1950?? This guy will get nothing and like it!

lisa 1 year ago

My husband is easy. He gets a case of beer, whatever he wants cooked for the day, vid games and tv sans nagging and a pass that voids him of any diaper duties for the day(we have 2boys under 2) and a nice card. He is completely happy with that. :)

Shannon Chesney Lindau 1 year ago

Dad’s grilling his own dinner this year, he gets what he wants, and some time on the deck to himself.

kaityee 1 year ago

Since I make my own money I get to buy whatever I want for Father’s Day. Also, I never really understood the point of supporting a family just to dictate what should/shouldn’t be bought or tell your family what is or isn’t thoughtful.

Donna Kistler 1 year ago

I’ll tell you what everyone wants – padded nun chucks

Leslie Bailey 1 year ago

Socks and underwear it is! And a case of beer of course!

Sabrina 1 year ago

So if the woman makes the money she can pay for where she wants to go? 😛

Christin 1 year ago

This does not apply to my husband.

Tnstaaf2 1 year ago

I like this guy. Certain women will hate him – which makes me like him even more.

Kim 1 year ago

I got my husband a bespoke bow tie. I know he will love it. And of course it’s from the kids. He’d also probably love a dinner out at the local steak house. Good idea. I’ll suggest that. 😉 & What he REALLY would love is beer and candy. Check. Check. You just have to know your man, and coach your kids.

Jack 1 year ago

Actually some of us really like the tech gadgets and we don’t mind ponying up to pay for a nice family meal.