I’m a mom, so a lot of things kind of suck.
It sucks when I take the time to make an actual meal, the kind that requires a recipe and more than two ingredients, and no one will try it. It sucks when I steam mop the kitchen floor just before someone spills chocolate milk. It sucks when I am finishing up folding the last load of laundry…and the kids flood the bathroom because I didn’t see what they were doing in there—because I was folding their laundry.
It sucks when I’m trying to deal with my period and little people are pounding on the bathroom door screaming, or when I have to tuck my tummy flap down into the waistband of my jeans.
But blessedly, sometimes I get invited to go out—away from my home, without my children, with Eminem blaring—and that balances it all out somewhat. It gives me a chance to feel human again, and I usually return to motherhood the next day feeling revived (albeit a tad hungover). But you know what is the absolute worst? When I pick up my phone to scroll through social media the next morning and find that someone from last night posted a photo of me mid-bite or mid-yawn, looking just like Jabba the Hutt.
I do not have that many chins in real life. I know this because I checked in the mirror multiple times throughout the day after frantically untagging myself in the photo, and it really was just a terrible angle.
Ladies, how about we just all agree on a few set rules for posting pictures of each other on social media? Because I don’t know about you, but I worked pretty hard on getting my hair and eyeliner to look just right before I left the house, and it was not easy with a 2-year-old standing by and asking over and over, “Whas’ this? Whatcha’ doin’?” as she waved a tube of my mascara in the air.
After all that we go through to look presentable in the presence of other adults, I simply cannot abide having unflattering misrepresentations of us floating around out there in cyberspace. Here is my unofficial guide to posting photos of my girlfriends on social media:
Rule No. 1
Don’t share ugly pictures of your girlfriends. End of story. If you’re in the photo, and you look good but I do not, just take me out of it. That’s what the crop tool is for. Use it.
Rule No. 2
Sharing unflattering pictures of others will bring bad photo juju your way, and you will be forever cursed with lopsided, erect nipples and half-closed eyes in every photo from now until you die. Don’t believe me? Try it and see.
Rule No. 3
Follow girl code. Is my bra hanging out of my shirt? Are my pants unzipped? For god’s sake, tell me! Let me fix it, and we’ll retake the photo. Technology is amazing! It makes this process easy.
Rule No. 4
Everyone pictured has to appear, at the very least, passable to the general public. That means no drunk photos unless they’re cleared by all parties first. So, if you got an amazing shot of me last week during Karaoke Tuesday, text it to me and let me decide if it gets shared because we both know that I don’t karaoke to Madonna unless I’m shitfaced.
Rule No. 5
If there is a question of whether or not you should post it, DON’T. So simple!
Rule No. 6
When visible undergarments are involved, it’s an instant no. We’re talking Spanx, tops of thongs hanging out, and everything else we find ourselves hoping doesn’t happen when posing for a group photo.
Rule No. 7
If your friend looks terrible and you look amazing standing next to her, and you gleefully post the picture simply because of how awesome you look, you’re going straight to hell. Directly. To. Hell.
Now, go forth and group selfie.
And follow my rules.