Espresso Yourself With These 80+ Buzzy And Funny Coffee Quotes

Have you ever uttered the words “coffee is life”? Well, you came to the right place, friend! You are definitely our people. You know, the kind whose whole day sometimes revolves around when and where to procure a cup of coffee. Will you get your java fix at the cute cafe on the corner, with sleep in your eyes and a kid that required the most inspirational quotes in your arsenal to drag (read: bribe) out of bed? Do you try your luck with the ancient Keurig lurking on the counter? When is it time to take a break from work and grab another mug? Have you had too much? Is there even such a thing? Not enough? Oh, that’s definitely a thing. Life, for those of us who consider ourselves coffee experts, consists of walking the fine line between tired but also wired. Coffee can make us laugh, it can make us cry… basically, it just makes us.

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If this sounds like your day, you might find some solace — and an extra buzz — in these funny quotes about coffee, a beverage that has apparently been preoccupying folks since the dawn of time. Enjoy with a cup of coffee. Or maybe not. Haven’t you had enough?

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Funny Coffee Quotes

1. “I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.” — Lewis Black
2. “Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.” — Stephanie Piro
3. “What do you want?” “Just coffee. Black — like my soul.” — Cassandra Clare
4. “The second cup of coffee is never as good as the first.” — Theodore Roosevelt
5. “Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?” — Albert Camus
6. “Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.” — David Lynch
7. “I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.” — Clark Gable
8. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” — Abraham Lincoln
9. “Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” — Edward Abbey
10. “A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee — a lot more.” — Jayne Mansfield
11. “Kids are meeting in coffee shops and basements figuring out what’s unsustainable in their communities. That’s the future.” — Ian Somerhalder
12. “It is the folly of too many to mistake the echo of a London coffee-house for the voice of the kingdom.” — Jonathan Swift
13. “I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.” — Louisa May Alcott
14. “I quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.” — Megan Mullally
15. “Coffee. Creative lighter fluid.” — Floyd Maxwell
16. “Coffee, the favorite drink of the civilized world.” — Thomas Jefferson
17. “Without my morning coffee, I’m just like a dried–up piece of goat.” — J.S. Bach
18. “It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.” — Donna A. Favors
19. “Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.” — Alphonse Allais
20. “Coffee with a friend is like capturing happiness in a cup.” — Anonymous
21. “Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee.” — Anonymous
22. “Coffee is a hug in a mug.” — Anonymous
23. “Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love.” — Charles Maurice de Talleyrand
24. “Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning.” — Anonymous
25. “Coffee first. Schemes later.” — Leanna Renee Hieber, Darker Still
26. “Want coffee?” I asked, as I headed that way.

“It’s three thirty in the morning.” “OK. Want coffee?” — Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

1. “Mercy,” he mumbled. “What the hell did you do to my French Roast?” — Patricia Briggs, Moon Called
2. “Come on, don’t you ever stop and smell the coffee?” — Justina Chen Headley, North of Beautiful
3. “Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?” — Jean Kerr
4. “I like my coffee black, my beer from Germany, wine from Burgundy, the darker, the better. I like my heroes complicated and brooding, James Dean in oiled leather, leaning on a motorcycle. You know the color.” — Barbara Crooker
5. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” — Steven Wright
6. “Drinking a cup of coffee with your eyes closed isn’t a sophisticated task for a person, but it’s hard for a robot.” — Vijjay Kumar
7. “Even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all.” — David Lynch
8. “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” — Eddie Izzard
9. “I quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.” — Megan Mullally
10. “I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‘Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.'” — Jim Carrey
11. “If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” — David Letterman
12. “My children know not to shout before Mummy has warmed herself into something human with her coffee.” — Ben Kidron
13. “Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.” — Jilly Cooper
14. “Never trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee.” — AJ Lee
15. “Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.” — Edward Abbey

Morning Coffee Quotes

1. “Coffee is a way of stealing time which should by rights belong to your older self.” — Terry Pratchett
2. “I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.” — Howard Schultz
3. “Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh
4. “But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” — David Letterman
5. “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” — T.S. Eliot
6. “Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.” — Alphonse Allais
7. “Adventure in life is good; consistency in coffee even better.” — Justina Chen
8. “No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness.” — Sheik Abd-al-Kabir
9. “To an old man a cup of coffee is like the door post of an old house — it sustains and strengthens him.” — Old Bourbon Proverb
10. “People say money can’t buy happiness. They Lie. Money buys Coffee, Coffee makes Me Happy!” — Unknown
11. “Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat, it exists, but that doesn’t make it right.” — Unknown
12. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.” — Earl Wilson
13. “A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee — a lot more.” — Jayne Mansfield
14. “Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh
15. “Seven days without coffee makes one weak.” — Unknown
16. “Caffeine — It maintains my sunny personality.” — Unknown
17. “The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drank.” — Sir James MacKintosh
18. “I’m going to start measuring the complexity of coding tasks in coffee cups. This was a five-espresso algorithm.” — Unknown
19. “A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.” — Paul Erdos
20. “Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.” — Jessi Lane Adams
21. “Decaf? No, it’s dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream.” — Unknown
22. “Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.” — Unknown
23. “Did I run out of caffeine or are you really that boring?” — Unknown
24. “Coffee, coffee! It’s our drink! If we don’t get it, we can’t think!” — Unknown
25. “Friends bring happiness into your life. Best friends bring coffee.” — Unknown
26. “There is no use crying over spilled milk… spilled coffee however, may get you stabbed.” — Unknown
27. “Life without coffee is like something without something… sorry, I haven’t had any coffee yet.” — Unknown
28. “Come here, you giant cup of beautiful coffee, and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.” — Unknown
29. “I like my coffee like I like myself: Strong, sweet, and too hot for you.” — Jac Vanek
30. “Coffee is the gasoline of life.” — Unknown
31. “I eat salad every day. Bean salad… coffee bean salad… coffee. I drink coffee every day.” — Unknown
32. “I don’t need an inspirational quote, what I need is a freaking cup of coffee.” — Unknown
33. “Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things like how to say words and put on pants.” — Nanea Hoffman
34. “Want to hear a really dark joke?… Decaf.” — Unknown.
35. “Coffee, unless it is very good and made by somebody else, is pretty intolerable at any time.” — Iris Murdoch
36. “What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.” — Henry Rollins
37. “If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” — David Letterman
38. “I like coffee exceedingly…” — H.P. Lovecraft
39. “Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat: it exists, but that doesn’t make it right.” — Anonymous
40. “Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.” — Anonymous
41. “Coffee in England is just toasted milk.” — Christopher Fry
42. “Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.” — Bill Cosby
43. “Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.” — Terri Guillemets
44. “I sometimes get excited at night thinking of the coffee I’ll get to drink in the morning. Coffee is reason to wake up. There are other reasons, of course. But coffee is the incentive, at the very least.” — Annie Clark