The funny parents of Twitter feel our exquisite pain and understand what it’s like to toil away fruitlessly, so put down that pile of laundry and laugh for a few minutes at the sad reality of trying to have a clean house with kids around.
1. And that’s exactly three minutes too long.
Only took me about three minutes of cleaning today to realize I'd had enough of that crap.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 11, 2014
Like parents don’t already do enough awful shit in a day and then, laundry and dishes have to happen too? Three minutes is plenty enough.
2. Maybe stare for 10 hours instead.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 21, 2015
You do the laundry and it seemingly replicates overnight like bunnies. Some days, staring out the window and crying seems like the only choice.
3. That marinara is not coming out.
Wife: *banging on bathroom door* WTF DID YOU DO
Me: *desperately trying to clean silly string & marinara off kids* NOTHING
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 21, 2015
They’re going to destroy your home anyway. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
4. Seriously, why do we bother?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) March 4, 2014
Long story short? Yes.
5. They will actually hand you a mess.
100% of the time, if a kid asks you to hold something?
It's literally always a piece of garbage. Literally just a ball of garbage.
— Lion Jenkins (@LionJenkins) November 17, 2015
No matter how much you clean, kids will be swift to create new damage. Like, here daddy, have this chewed up gum. Or this McNugget box from last spring that I found next to my car seat. Touching garbage is pretty much your life now. Embrace it.
6. It’s not always the kids’ fault.
wife: I JUST washed 9's shirt and he already got Cheeto dust on it!
[flashback to me eating Cheetos and folding laundry]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 18, 2015
Multitasking is a thing when you’re a parent. A little Cheeto dust on your kid’s shirt is collateral damage. The key is blaming them for it.
7. Something might be crawling.
Parenting Status: Too scared to look underneath couch cushions anymore.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 1, 2016
You pull up the cushion totally convinced you’ll find a colony of bugs feasting on a buffet of Goldfish crackers, fruit snacks and Cheerios. That, my friends, is called parenting.
8. The worst chore of all.
Ugh, I hate it when the bathroom can't go any longer without being cleaned and I have to move on to my next family.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 4, 2015
Getting a new family sometimes sounds less messy than confronting all the dried-up pee puddles behind the toilet tank.
9. Living the dream, you guys.
It's Friday & I can't wait to PARTY!
Right after I put my PJs on, make dinner, put the kids down, take an 8 hour nap, get groceries & die.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 25, 2014
Fridays used to mean something. Remember when Fridays used to mean something?
10. Gotta have a plan.
I'm a mother of three so my idea of Heaven is just someone else folding my laundry…
while I start a new life in South America.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 30, 2015
Just the first part is fantasy enough for most of us.
11. Can’t. Cleaning up toothpaste until 2027.
I'm pretty sure the kids just squeeze toothpaste directly on the bathroom counter and then rub their teeth on it.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 13, 2015
What is with the blobs of toothpaste absolutely all over the place? Is it THAT HARD to just get it on the toothbrush?
12. A half-ass job is better than nothing.
"Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?"
Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?"
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) April 18, 2013
When all you want to do is veg out on the couch and play on your phone, shoving your kids in a cabinet begins to seem like a viable option.
13. This actually sounds kind of awesome.
Me: Okay, now that we're home from school, make sure to hang your jacket…
[8yo already playing video games in his underpants]
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) January 7, 2016
He’s basically living the dream. Just hang up your jacket first, kid.
14. You have to be kinda ruthless.
Just taught my 5yo the Mr. Clean magic eraser is a game.
I even let him win.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) June 5, 2015
Get a little tricky and you too can have your own mini cleaning crew. Yes, it’s magic. Whatever. Keep scrubbing.
15. And then reality sets in.
Came home and thought someone broke in and trashed the place to send a message and then I remembered I have kids.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016
Basically, the truest thing ever said.