School’s out and summer’s in full swing. That means millions of parents are embarking on the time-honored tradition of taking their kids on vacation. From the east coast beaches to the deserts of Arizona, families everywhere are just having a total blast with their grateful and well-behaved children in tow.
Of course, there’s some fun to be had. But there’s also fights over souvenirs in front of the tacky boardwalk gift shop, battles at restaurants over who’s refusing to eat their kid’s menu popcorn shrimp and meltdowns over leaving the hotel pool for the day. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are totally there with us, threatening to reduce tablet time, tossing snacks in the backseat for a few moments of precious silence, and considering jumping out of the car to tuck and roll the fuck away from their good, old-fashioned, family vacation.
1. Goodbye excitement and spontaneity.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of exotic vacations we can go to that same beach in Florida every year.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2017
Who even needs a couple’s massage under a beach cabana with a Caribbean breeze caressing your skin? You get to go hunt for seashells and have burgers and stale fries at Margaritaville at 4:30 pm.
It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 12, 2016
It’s only official after someone’s iPad almost ends up on the side of I-95.
3. Your definition of vacation changes.
Using a public bathroom alone was a treat compared to having my kids climbing on me, but, yes, go on about your upcoming Hawaii trip.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 12, 2017
Going pee at Barnes & Noble without a small person in your lap is basically luxury at this point. Sadly.
4. It’s the little things.
[in the water]
Me: Having fun?
3yo: I love the ocean!
3: There are sharks in it & special spiders!
3: AND I can pee in it!
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 25, 2016
Go ahead and reserve a pricey oceanside rental complete with carefully planned day trips and nice dinners out. Your kid will remember ocean peeing and that Slim Jim you let her have at the gas station on the drive home because you were all out of fucks to give.
5. Taking the show on the road.
Vacation with kids is a good way to get away from your sanity, and relax not even for a second.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 29, 2017
Let’s be honest; unless you bring along an au pair, a vacation with kids is absolutely in no way relaxing. Come at me.
6. Dad level: expert.
If you don't make your family "check to see if you left anything" at least 3 times when leaving a rental house…then you sir, are no Dad.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 1, 2017
Did you look in that one closet in the weird attic bedroom literally no one ever slept in? Better go check.
7. Yes please.
I want to take my wife and kids on an exciting beautiful island vacation except I want to be enjoying myself on a different beautiful island
— eric (@ericsshadow) June 25, 2016
There has to be a travel agent who can make this happen without causing too much trouble. We’ll pay a premium. Please?
8. Literally everything you own.
Judging by the back of my car, there's little difference between packing to take kids on vacation and packing for the end of the world.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 13, 2016
If you can actually see a little bit out your back windshield you probably forgot a few things.
My kids aren't even a full week into Summer vacation, and I've already lost track of the last time they've bathed. Swimming counts, right?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 21, 2016
The pool and the lake are your BFF until Labor Day. No guilt.
80% of taking your kids on vacation is keeping them out of gift shops.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 23, 2015
Can we just put horse blinders on them while heading down the boardwalk?
It's not vacation until dad loses his wallet and calls everyone a motherfucker under his breath.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) June 16, 2016
You can declare it vacation once he’s riffled through every pair of cargo shorts he brought only to discover he left it in the center console of the rental van. Motherfucker indeed.
12. Tranquil AF.
Paint your bathroom a pretty shade of blue so when you're in there hiding from your kids it almost feels like you're sitting by the ocean.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 14, 2017
Ahhh can you hear the waves crashing against the sand? Nope, that’s just your kids whining.
13. Learn from the mistakes of others.
IHTM: I Got Drunk At Dinner On The Last Night Of Vacation And Let My Kids Get Hermit Crabs
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 6, 2016
I’ll never forget the clackety clack of their creepy little claws the entire 15-hour drive home. #NeverAgain
14. Oh yes.
Bringing back the fanny pack, one vacation at a time.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 17, 2017
Now’s your chance to go Full Mom.
Happy travels, parents!