When you become a parent, hitting the gym is just one more thing on your ridiculously long to-do list that simply might never get done. You try, though. You get the kids dressed and drag them to gym daycare, even if it’s only so you can file your nails and scroll your phone in peace while doing 3.4 mph on the treadmill. You buy a bunch of workout clothing, but eventually, realize that it’s only seeing a lot of trips to Target instead of cardio class. But that’s ok. Parent life is busy and you’re doing the best you can.
Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter completely know where you’re coming from, and when they’re not busy untangling their earbuds for 20 minutes (which burns like, 70 calories) they’re writing hilarious tweets about trying to work on their fitness, post-kids.
1. It’s just good sense.
I found out it takes 42 muscles to frown so I went ahead and cancelled my gym membership.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 22, 2015
You’ve worked plenty of muscles already. Give that shit a rest.
Twisted my knee vacuuming, so yeah, my body is a temple.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) February 13, 2014
Hey, vacuuming can be really tough. All those nooks and crannies. Totally works your core.
3. Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.
It took 5 years but I’ve finally completed my transformation into mom who only wears work out clothes.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 22, 2015
It takes some time, but after enough years spent with yoga pants and t-shirts fused to your skin, it becomes your uniform. Congrats. You’ve earned it.
4. Screw the haters.
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan’wich without being judged by people walking by.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 12, 2015
You need adequate time to finish your breakfast without the kids picking at it. Take that leisurely stroll with breading and egg hanging out of your mouth. Dare anyone to question you.
5. Well…she’s not wrong.
“I’m wearing exercise clothes and a ponytail. People will think I’m an exercise girl.”
-My 5 year old, but also the creators of Lululemon.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 14, 2016
It’s all about projecting an image, right? Amazing how early they get it.
6. *Puts down razor* It’s go time.
I am literally in beast mode when I am working out at the gym with unshaven legs.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) April 10, 2016
At least you went, right? Who cares if your leg hair was blowing in the breeze as you lazily jogged along?
7. So observant.
Mommy are you pooping? Mommy are you going night night? Ridiculous questions a 2yo asks while watching you workout.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 19, 2014
My kids have watched me do Jillian Michaels and asked if I was dying so, sames.
8. It’s called accountability, folks.
[day 1 through 1,357 of my exercise journal] woke up, didn’t exercise
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) February 8, 2016
At least you’re thinking about it. That has to count for something.
9. You’ll never move faster.
You may not like running for exercise, but if your toddler comes over w/ a panicked face, holding their hiney & says “Hurry!”
RUN. Run fast
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) June 4, 2013
Who needs a gym membership when you have a toddler?
10. Where can we sign up?
My favorite exercise is the one where I put on my running shoes & then go sit on the couch with a glass of wine.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 15, 2014
Is there HGTV and blankies? Because, hello.
11. All systems failing.
*Taking health risk assessment*
HOW OFTEN DO YOU WORK OUT?
*remembers being winded putting socks on in the morning*
— keith (@tchrquotes) October 1, 2015
That God-awful feeling you have bending over to tug on your socks each day after you turn 30 has to count for something cardiovascularly.
12. All that thinking.
Let’s be honest, the hardest thing I did at the gym today was making up the lie I’m telling you about how I went to the gym today.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) March 8, 2016
If you lie so hard smoke comes out of your ears, that’s the caloric value of at least half a burrito. It’s science.
13. We aren’t compatible.
If you’re not using the gym solely for childcare, we probably can’t be friends.
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) February 12, 2016
Oh, you’re here for 90 minutes of boot camp class? I’m here to scroll Facebook in peace and sip my coffee in the quiet YMCA lobby. Keep on moving.
14. Way harsh, kid.
Me, to my athletic son: Can you help me develop a diet and fitness plan?
Son, says gently: Mom, here’s your plan: Get Off Your Lazy Ass.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 29, 2014
That’s not what we wanted to hear. Maybe it’s time you pay your own way through college.
15. It can be an oasis.
Was heading upstairs after my workout in the basement then heard my kids having a recorder battle up there so I guess I live down here now.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 15, 2016
As much as working out can be torture, it also provides a handy escape to certain situations.