The Olympics hold a special kind of interest for those of us with little people we hope will one day do great things. After all, why else are we lugging a grumpy 6-year-old to 9 am gymnastics practice on a Saturday when we could be at home mainlining coffee and playing on our phones? Sure, we’ve given up on our own potential for greatness, but now, we have teeny vessels made in our image to heap those old dreams upon.
Because whether we admit it or not, all parents have that fleeting thought that their kid might have what it takes to get the gold. Or at least qualify. It’s a long shot, but someone has to be a world-class athlete, and that someone might as well be your special snowflake! That is, if they can just stop tripping over their shoelaces or learn to put on their own bathing suit without incident. And the funny parents of Twitter keenly understand that kind of hope and how very hilariously unrealistic it is.
1. Such potential.
There are Olympians who began intense training regimens at age 5, but sure, son, keep licking the bathtub.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 10, 2016
Greatness comes in many forms. Never lose faith. But maybe start using non-toxic tub cleaner?
2. Not even a contest.
If throwing a tantrum were an Olympic sport, my kids would take the gold medal in both the female and male competition.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 15, 2016
Tantrums are certainly cardiovascular endeavors involving the whole body. We should see about this for the 2018 games.
3. So very full.
Michael Phelps is my age.
He has 19 gold medals.
I have my pic on a restaurant wall for eating a big hamburger.
We’ve both led full lives
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2016
It’s all relative. For a dad, having the time to eat a big hamburger without interruption is totally cause for celebration. But I’m guessing one of them looks a lot better in a Speedo than the other.
Me: Those flags represent the team’s country
5: What’s that one?
5: It’s ok if you don’t know
5: I’ll just call them team 3
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) August 6, 2016
You know what, buddy? Let’s go do a little Googling!
5. Accomplished AF.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) August 8, 2016
Points for resourcefulness though. We all have our talents.
For fifth year in a row, my 5yo takes the gold in Waking Dad Up Way Too Fucking Early. It’s an unprecedented run. I couldn’t be less proud.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 6, 2016
At least he’s top of his field for something.
7. So close tho.
The biggest thing standing between my daughter and her Olympic swimming dreams is her inability to adjust her own goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 10, 2016
Maybe they’ll change the rules by the 2024 Olympic games and allow parents near the pool to help with this kind of shit. Helicopter as fuck.
8. Better stick to Minecraft.
I love how these Olympic Games are inspiring a whole new generation of kids to declare “wow, that would be way too much work.”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 10, 2016
Well…let’s be honest. It kinda is.
9. *clutches pearls*
Moms everywhere are going to be so pissed when they see that they don’t put a giant net around the trampoline in the Olympics.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 9, 2016
Moms be like, cringing and watching through their fingers. BE CAREFUL SWEETIE.
10. We got this.
My Olympic events:
100m of Laundry
1×4 Dishes Relay
High Bars of Motherhood Standards
Shot Put the Kids to Bed
Triple Jump Over Legos
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 8, 2016
Please also add an event for chasing a diaper-free toddler who could poop any second without spilling a drop of cabernet. Such grace and athleticism.
11. Sorry, honey.
When your husband tells you to stop watching the male swimmers so hard. pic.twitter.com/Hb7hNRNY5n
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) August 10, 2016
Oh, were you talking? Because, swimmer abs. And shoulders. And package. Drool.
12. Fingers crossed.
It’s a nerve-wracking experience. pic.twitter.com/PgEKV4eOqV
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 10, 2016
The shitty part? We won’t even get a medal if they do.