The New Year used to mean something different before you had kids. New Year’s Eve was definitely different because you might have gone out and possibly, gotten a little tipsy without having to worry about a tiny torturer waking you at 5 am the next day demanding french toast. You might have made resolutions about traveling more or reading the classics. Maybe you started a brand-new work-out routine or a healthy diet.
You could still try to do all of those things as a parent, but let’s be real. Between catering to the demands of your kids, you’re not making a separate dinner of kale and quinoa for yourself. And by the time you get home from work and deal with the evening bath, dinner and bedtime routine, fitting in a trip to the gym is a lofty goal. Your resolutions now probably center on trying not to yell so much or trying not to drink too much wine. Ok, maybe not that last one, but you get our point.
Things change once you have children and while most of that change is welcome, some definitely is not. The parents of Twitter have your back with their hilarious thoughts on New Year’s with kids.
So far the biggest surprise of the New Year was what I found in the boys’ lunchboxes that they left in their backpacks for 10 days. *heaves
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 4, 2016
In the excitement of Christmas break starting, some of us forget to do a quick breeze through the backpacks before stuffing them in the closet for 10 days. That includes the lunches. And that rejected banana and Go-Gurt from December 23rd. Happy New Year, indeed. 2. Kids don’t respect hangovers.
[5:30 AM] HAPPY NEW YEAR DADDY!! Not anymore…
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 1, 2016
Your kids literally don’t give a shit that those four glasses of wine you drank last night have your head spinning. It’s wake-up time and you best snap to attention unless you want your kitchen to look like it’s been ransacked by a band of feral raccoons.
3. This time, it’s going to stick.
“New year, new you,” I say to my son in desperation as I release him from timeout for the 1,385th time this year.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 29, 2015
You might make resolutions and try to better yourself in 2016 but your kids have no such aspirations. New year, same old shit. Sigh. 4. If we can’t have fun, no one else can either.
I used to be all AHHH NEW YEAR AHHH AHHH AHHH now I’m like if your fireworks wake my baby I will kill you.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 1, 2016
Remember when loud noises in your neighborhood didn’t make you homicidal? That was in the days before you spent an hour rocking an infant to sleep only to have the asshole teens down the street set off some “festive” firecrackers, undoing all your hard work. It’s not like THEY’RE going to come put her back to sleep! *deep breaths*
5. It’s the thought that counts.
My New Year’s resolution of trying to have more patience was going well until I realized I still had kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 4, 2016
If your resolutions don’t involve an inner promise to be more patient, you probably don’t have kids. We all go there and we all break it by January 2nd when the kids are shrieking at each other over a Shopkin trade gone wrong. Don’t beat yourself up too badly. 6. Never grow up.
Dec 31: 2016, BABY! Gonna get my shit together, do this adult thing right! Jan 1: *pauses Mario Kart & reaches for 3rd Twinkie* 2017, BABY!
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 29, 2015
Despite having kids, so many parents of our generation still feel like kids themselves. But this year is the year we get it right. Or maybe next year. Yes, next year sounds perfect. *unpauses Mario Kart*
7. New Year, no friends.
Should old acquaintance Be forgot And never come to mind beause your kid deleted all of the contacts on your phone for good this time.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 31, 2015
You gave them your phone to get through checking out at Target in peace only to discover all of your contacts erased. Well, it’s not like you had time to talk to them anyway. 8. The age-old parenting question.
I can’t decide if my New Year’s resolution should be to try to sleep more or to just give up sleep completely.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 2, 2016
It might be a little less futile to just throw in the towel and learn to function solely on coffee fumes and fruit snacks.
9. If you figure this out, please share your secret.
As a parent, my only New Year’s resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2016 to the Disney Corporation.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 1, 2016
And also, Target. 10. Because let’s be honest.
I’m gonna party so hard on my couch tonight.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 31, 2015
Happy New Year, parents!