Nothing can quite prepare a parent for the deluge of disgusting shit that results from living with children. After all, how can something so adorable be so nasty? Boogers on most household surfaces (and your clothes,) pee on the toilet seat, poop pretty much everywhere, and don’t even get us started on the puke.
Oh, there will be puke. So much friggin’ puke.
Gross things are part and parcel with the whole “having kids” life choice, so parents tend to get used to the constant presence of bodily fluids pretty quickly. They also learn that laughing about that baby shit under their fingernail is the best way to get through it. Enter the funny parents of Twitter, who know a thing or two about just how repulsive our sweet little angels can be.
1. There’s one way to make an impression.
My toddler was blowing her nose into my business cards today if you were wondering how work/life balance is going for me…
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 22, 2016
Welcome to parenting. Hope you like snot.
2. Picky, picky.
Myth: If kids are hungry enough, they’ll eat what you give them
Fact: They’ll eat play doh, crayons and boogers before that grilled cheese
— Stephanie M (@kookiedelukey) March 31, 2016
They’re discerning when it comes to food, but small children will put any number of non-food items in their mouths that have no business being there. Please don’t make me tell you about the time my toddler daughter ate a toenail clipping. Please?
3. *gags audibly*
Nobody puts baby in the corner. Not since the time she took off her diaper and wiped poop up the walls.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) February 4, 2016
When you hear your baby wake up over the monitor but they don’t cry you might think, “Awww, she’s happily playing by herself!” Nope. Probably just painting the nursery walls with poop.
4. One of the few guarantees in life.
Having boys means never having to say “Does it smell like pee in here?” because of course it does.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 17, 2015
When you have boys, you spend a lot of time plugging your nose. And rubbing your temples slowly trying not to lose your shit. Why can’t they just pee in the damn toilet? Why?
5. A potent blend.
A toddler scented candle would have notes of playdoh, dirt, glue, boogers, gummies, defiance, and chaos.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 30, 2016
Of course it would be in no way relaxing once lit either. It might even start wailing and leaking snot all over your nice sweater.
He peed in the toilet. I flushed it. He wants his pee back.
-Me, explaining to a friend on the phone why my 3 yo is screaming hysterically
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 3, 2014
Forming a sentimental attachment to body fluids will seem really abnormal and totally gross…until you have a potty-training toddler.
7. You do you, little buddy.
I wish I had the guts to walk in a house picking my nose then wipe my boogers on the couch while maintaining eye contact. Kids are badasses.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 26, 2015
Sometimes, you just have to admire their gumption. They have literally no shame. We could all learn a thing or two. While scraping dried-on boogers from the walls, of course.
8. Lies. All lies.
When a 5 yo says their tummy hurts but they’re ‘not going to throw up’- they’re 5. For God sake’s don’t believe them. The vomit is coming.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 22, 2016
Have a bucket in every room of the house. And every vehicle. Trust no one.
9. Skidmarks galore.
7yo tried to fart “on” his sister but only succeeded in sharting himself & this won’t serve as a deterrent to future attempts in any way.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 6, 2016
The poop problems don’t end once the diaper days are over. Sorry to be the bearer of shitty news.
10. College didn’t prepare you for this.
Thanks to three daughters and a stomach virus, I’ve held back more ponytails today than during my entire college career.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) August 22, 2016
You thought you saw a lot of barf at the Delta Sig house? Have kids.