It’s one of the most joked about parenting tropes. And sadly, that’s because it’s true. Your once fulfilling sex life won’t stop entirely once you have kids (fingers crossed!) but it definitely changes. If only temporarily.
That’s because even the most dedicated-to-the-deed couples will have slumps after becoming parents. When you never sleep, have a person all over your boobs all day and are constantly coming into contact with someone else’s poop, it can be hard to get in the mood. And that’s where the funny parents of Twitter swoop in to make you laugh about the sad situation that is sex after kids.
1. That one time tho…dayum.
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 26, 2016
It removes all doubt of your bedroom prowess. At least that one time.
2. There are many levels of pleasure.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 20, 2016
Parenting means that eating the chocolate cereal in peace is akin to an earth-shaking orgasm.
3. ‘Yonce, you’re our only hope.
If Beyoncè really wanted women to feel empowered she’d write a song about being too tired for sex.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) January 29, 2014
Maybe we aren’t always Drunk in Love, guys. Sometimes, we just want to be left the hell alone.
4. The ultimate Hail, Mary.
Having sex when you’re a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) March 22, 2016
Hurry up and score with all kinds of noise and distraction but like, no pressure!
5. Sexy AF.
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*
— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015
It’s all about setting the mood. And making sure a little digger doesn’t go up your ass.
6. Don’t you dare.
Marriage Tip: Don’t knock over a basket of folded laundry during sex; it really kills the mood.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016
And nothing helps bring the mood back like saying, “You better plan on folding that all over again,” through gritted teeth. It gets no hotter.
7. Knives go business side DOWN.
The Dishwasher: When you want him to get it done but you criticize where he puts everything
-Married sex moves
— Sarcastic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) July 26, 2016
He’ll never admit it, but he loves this brand of guidance.
8. Those socks tho.
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
And if it’s real love, he pats her thigh saying, “No, baby…leave the socks on.”
9. Yeah, no.
I have a ton of batteries in my bed, I’d love to say it’s from an exciting sex life, but my toddler was just hiding random shit
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) February 14, 2015
All those batteries? They power our Fisher Price baby casino’s worth of noisy light-up toys. Sigh.
10. Does that count?
I think I was more intimate with the 12 strangers around me in the overcrowded lazy river yesterday than I was with my husband this week.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) June 18, 2016
Sometimes, parents are like ships in the night when it comes to sex. Or like slimy strangers at a super busy water park. Gag.
11. There’s nothing hotter, tbh.
Sexy used to be him bringing me flowers, now it’s when he reminds the kids to use the bathroom before we leave the house.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) April 21, 2014
Mmmm…yes, honey. Tell me again how we won’t have to use a highway rest stop bathroom because of your forethought and planning.
12. It’s just good sense.
I should really go switch the laundry over now while I’m thinking about it.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 13, 2016
I mean, if not now, you’ll forget and it will sit in the washer until morning. No mom would blame you.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 1, 2015
By the time you get to “Valances: Aren’t These Nice?” He should be ready to roll.
It’s when you and your spouse start referring to each other as “Mommy” and “Daddy” that you realize you’re never having sex ever again.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 29, 2012
Sorry. There’s just no coming back from that. RIP, sex.