If You Really Hate Someone, Send Them Glitter

I recently had a fight with a friend, one of those terrible icky fights where you’re yelling “Why won’t you LISTEN to me?” and your (soon to be former) friend is interrupting you and twisting everything you say so you sound like a jackass. The two of you are shouting over one another, saying dramatic, hateful things, and the only way the anger and accusations will ever end is if one of you hangs up.

Until now.

Enter Ship Your Enemies Glitter, the site that—for a mere $9.99—will mail an envelope of glitter to anyone in the world.

I wholly support this venture. As the crushing blow in any fight, you really can do no better than to send your adversary a small packet of what the site calls “the herpes of the craft world.” Rather than slamming down the phone in anger or defriending someone on Facebook, why not truly win the fight by ascertaining that the dirty rat who wronged you will be vacuuming rainbow sparkly dust out of his sofa cushions for the next three months if not (hopefully) more?

Ship Your Enemies Glitter promises to include an anonymous note amid the glitter informing the recipient of precisely why they are receiving the envelope—mine would say something like “I’m sending you this because you are a massive a-hole and we are no longer friends.” For anyone who has difficulty expressing aggression, and I know you’re out there, this is a rather brilliant solution. An envelope of glitter is direct, it’s poetic, it’s definitely hostile, but in a My Little Pony kind of way. And you have to hand it to them—$9.99 is way too expensive for an envelope of glitter, but it’s just the right price for a decisive and cunning—or do I mean crafty?—victory.

To my enemies, consider this a warning.