Good people of the Internet, let’s have a little chat, shall we?
Since we’re all living in this massive web known as the Internet, I think it’s time we set some things straight. Because let’s be honest, the Internet has become a toxic cesspool bubbling over with nastiness, humblebrags, and nonsense. And a girl can only take so much before she wants to throw her computer out the window or move to a secluded island because people so clearly suck beyond repair.
Look, the Internet has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Yes, sometimes the best, but mostly the worst.
I try to be tolerant and polite. So I looked the other way when I noticed that you liked the Facebook page of that evangelical Christian who thinks progressives are going to rot in hell. I didn’t comment on your post with a link to Breitbart or Fox News. And I swallowed the vomit in my mouth when you humblebragged about your “sweet hubby” for the gajillionth time.
But we’ve all got limits. And I’m at mine.
Chances are, you might be too.
So before we all start hating everybody – and for the sake of our expensive Macs and PCs at the risk of being tossed from a second story window – let’s set a few ground rules.
1. If you’re gonna leave, just leave. No. Announcement. Necessary.
Newsflash: if you don’t like a page or a friend’s Internet fuckery is driving you up the wall, there’s this handy little button called “unlike” or “unfriend.” It works like a charm and here’s the real special thing — you don’t need to do anything other the click it. You don’t need to comment with a grand announcement of your departure. JUST LEAVE.
2. Before you share, beware.
I hate to break it to you, but most of what’s on the Internet is a load of crap. So before you share that post from www.democratsaresatan.com or www.republicansarethedevil.com or www.theapocylpseishappeningontuesday.com, maybe check with a credible news source. And no, Fox News and Breitbart don’t count as “credible.”
3. Enough with the shady MLM scams.
I’m not going to buy your leggings, your face cream, your weight loss shake, or your unnamed tooth whitening paste. So please stop asking. Enough with the FB sales pitches disguised as messages “to catch up” even though we haven’t actually exchanged words in 15 years and you spent most of high school giving me side-eye. I’m not buying your shit, Nancy. But thanks for asking.
4. Don’t tag me in photos where you look like a runway model and I look like Rip Van Winkle in stained yoga pants.
This shouldn’t need further explanation. Yet here we are.
5. Knock it off with the hashtagged humblebrags.
We all know your kid is #cuteasabutton and you’re #lovingmomlife, but you aren’t fooling anyone when you post a photo from the front row of the CMAs or on the 50-yard line of the Super Bowl and hashtag that shit with #SoBlessed or #GodIsGreat. Because last time I checked, God didn’t give a shit about award ceremonies or football games. And you just sound obnoxious.
6. On a related note, keep your Sunday morning evangelism to yourself.
Ain’t no one got time for your Facebook sermons, Cindy Jo.
7. Unfriending is always in season for assholes.
I suppose this should go without saying, but if you’re an asshole or think it’s okay to tell sexist, racist, or homophobic “jokes,” let me introduce you to my friend Unfriend and my even more badass friend Block. Because life’s too short for this dumbfuckery and nastiness. Bye Felicia!
8. Sanctimommies and Judgy McJudgersons need not apply.
Pro-tip: If you start a comment with “I’m sorry, but…” or “I don’t mean to judge…,” you aren’t fooling anyone.
9. Stop Vaguebooking.
Tell us. Or don’t tell us. But don’t maybe hint at something that might happen but it’s so important/great/sad/upsetting that you just can’t talk about it yet.
So if we could all just quit the vaguebooking, hashtag-humblebragging, announcing when you’re unliking a page, and generally acting like douchecanoes behind the screen, that would be great, MMMMKAY?
Look. Interneting isn’t all that hard. Basically, it all boils down to one simple rule: Don’t be a dick. If we can all do that, then we’ll be able to keep scrolling to our hearts’ content without wearing a Haz-Mat suit or wanting to stab a fork in our eye.