The day is over. The sink is full of dishes. The washer, the dryer, and all the baskets are full of clothes in various states of cleanliness. You sit down, take a drink of wine, and wonder what the hell you did all day. Well, let me tell you, fellow parent, you did a lot. Here are just a few things:
1. You reheated your coffee 2 or 3 or 10 times. In the process, you probably also found yesterday’s coffee chilling in the microwave. If you put that mug in the dishwasher, that counts as two things. Well done, you.
2. You wiped pee off of the toilet seat. Because boys of all shapes and sizes and ages will forever struggle with aiming, and you don’t want the back of your thigh to get a frigid urine bath.
3. You kept your cool while letting your kids dress themselves. How is it possible that it takes 10 minutes and 3 tantrums for them to get a shirt over their head?
4. You gave out snacks. This isn’t easy, what, with all the chopping and slicing and unwrapping of things.
5. You changed out of your pajamas—mostly because your baby spit up all over your shirt or your toddler had an accident while sitting on your lap, but you still changed them dammit.
6. You left yet another Jamberry Facebook group. Bonus points if you checked out of a Younique one, too.
7. You exercised. Picking up, holding, and rocking your kid after they get an owie totally counts as a workout.
8. You ate a healthy meal. Chocolate has antioxidants. So does wine.
9. You found your daughter’s toy she absolutely could not nap without, which means you also figured out what their must-have toy of the day was.
10. You overcame one of your biggest fears: spiders. You killed a spider.
11. You solved one of the great mysteries of the world. That smell that’s been creating a green haze in your living room? It was the sippy cup you found under the couch. Throw that shit away.
12. You laughed at your kid’s joke. It wasn’t funny the first time. It definitely wasn’t funny the 712th. But you persevered.
13. You finally got that pesky chin hair that’s been bugging you for two days. It’s called grooming, and it’s important.
14. You got your kid to eat broccoli. Sure, it took an hour, and it was all they ate at dinner, but it’s progress.
15. You listened intently to your son as he recounted—in great detail—the entire storyline of an episode of Jake and the Never Land Pirates. And he only got sidetracked 16 times.
16. You cleaned up a hundred different puddles of water because kids love to play in water and spill it and then not tell you they spilled it until you almost slip and fall and die.
17. You refereed four arguments per hour for roughly 12 hours. And you did it without running from your house screaming.
18. You rescued your child from certain doom. How do they get up on top of bookshelves, anyway?
19. You planned a playdate for your kids. Socialization is vital to their well-being.
20. You put your kids to bed. This included three stories, four songs, an interpretive dance, a discussion on metaphysics, and maybe one or two itty-bitty bribes because you’re exhausted.
See? You got a ton of stuff done today. Screw the dishes and head to bed early. You’ve earned it.