This story proves kids are the absolute grossest
Being a parent means your life is always kind of disgusting. After all, from day one, you’re elbow-deep in another human’s poop, and sad to say, things don’t improve too much from there. Kids are gross — it’s a fact. And the tale of this mom and a special “gift” her son brought her will drive that point home.
Ashford Evans is the mom behind the blog Biscuits and Crazy and it was last year that she first shared the now-viral story of her son bringing an extra-special surprise home from Tae Kwon Do class.
Get ready to dry heave, because this one’s a doozy.
I came home after being out of town and found this in the bathroom. It smelled like lemony soap but I couldn’t quite…
While her Facebook version was brief, Evans elaborated in a delightfully detailed post on her blog describing the whole incident.
The mom of three, referred to in her writing as Eeny, Meeny, and Miny, arrives home from a business trip to a rare treat — a silent house and a clean bathroom. Her husband had gone on a fishing trip with their kids scattered with various friends to cover the gap in childcare as they both traveled. This left Evans with a whole night to herself. After unloading her suitcase, she took in the scene.
When I entered the bathroom I was greeted by a sweet citrus smell. The entire bathroom seemed to have been scrubbed just before my arrival. I looked around astonished that my husband would think to clean the house just before my arrival (God knows how much I hate returning to a messy house) and that’s when I saw it.
And to that, any mom would say, hell yes. A clean bathroom we didn’t have to get on our knees to scrub while wearing holey yoga pants? Heavenly. But wait — there has to be a catch.
And oh, there was.
One of the children’s cereal bowls sitting on the shelf with what seemed to be an old bar of soap sitting in it. I didn’t remember buying grapefruit scented soap but it could’ve been from years ago. They have a tendency to dig up things long forgotten and put them on display for me.
Yes, that tendency is definitely a thing. My kids go spelunking in the bathroom cabinet all the time emerging with my rejected, half-used bottles of shower gel, lotion and dusty tampons that fall behind all the other garbage in there. Fine, stick the tampons in your Nerf gun, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Just let me have my coffee in peace. Evans, however, wasn’t so fortunate.
It looked just like a bar of soap looks years after its prime. You know when it’s all dried up and misshapen? But it smelled delicious. Throughout the night I returned several times to inhale it’s tropical scent. In between making dinner and washing my face. I never bothered to wash my hands after fondling it because it was, afterall, just soap.
Just soap. Uh huh.
The next morning, Evans’ children returned home. And that’s when shit got horribly, repulsively real.
Her daughter went straight to the bathroom scooping up the magic soap and breathing it in saying, “This is my favorite. I love the way this smells.” Evans asked where it came from, a question that in hindsight, she probably shouldn’t have bothered with. Her daughter replied, “Meeny found it in the boys bathroom at Tae Kwon Do and brought it home.”
Record scratch. Yeah, it totally wasn’t soap.
Evans writes, “That’s right, catch your breath. An f-ing urinal cake. A URINAL CAKE!!!! A urinal cake from the public gym I take my 5 year old for Tae Kwon Do three times a week. A urinal cake that has been peed on by at least 1000 strange little boys that I just held against my cheek!”
Oh god, oh god, oh god. We feel like we need to bleach our brains after reading this, so we can only imagine Evans’ horror at this nasty revelation. She obviously lost it and screamed to her daughter to wash her hands, to “wash everything,” as the mom debated her options, recalling all the things this “soap” had likely come into contact with over the last several days of living in their home.
1. Burn the house to the ground or 2. Pretend like it never happened and drink a bottle of wine [or two]. I’ll leave you guessing as to which I chose.
Since burning your whole house down isn’t the most practical, we’re confident she went with what was behind door number two. And as long as our kids keep coming up with new ways to shock and horrify us, we’ll have to keep coming back with a steely resolve.
And a shitload of chardonnay.