The Most Annoying Toys Your Kids Want This Year And What You Should Get Instead

Have you looked at your kids holiday gift requests? I don’t mean you, moms, who have already completed your holiday shopping because you are clearly a superior species. I’m talking to the rest of us who are getting ready to start their shopping now. I just did, and my kids’ lists are full of all this year’s hottest toys, naturally. I’m over here rolling my eyes because they didn’t even play with last year’s hot toys for more than a week, and now I’ve got to shell out more cash for short-lived toys? UGH. Not this year, kiddos. This year I’m taking control.

Here’s what I won’t be getting for my kids this year, and what I’ll get them instead.

FurReal Roarin’ Tyler, The Playful Tiger

Kids, why do you want a mechanized tiger toy? WE HAVE TWO CATS. I’m not buying a fake one too. Plus this one makes the weirdest creepy robot sound and that roar is weak, by the way, and at that price tag? ALL THE NOPE.

What I’ll Get Instead

For my younger kid, I’m going to offer a trip the zoo for just the two of us because seeing real tigers is way better than having a toy one. But I’m surprising my older kid this year with a smart phone. I’ve convinced him he has to wait another year, but I’m going to get him the LG X charge from Boost Mobile (I love their Text for Toys partnership with the Marines Toys for Tots program). It’s a great little phone with a decent price point, and the a pay-as-you-go plan from Boost is ideal for a first time phone user. To donate to the Text for Toys: Text TOYS to 51555 or donate here. You’ll receive a one-time text message from MobileCause. Msg & data rates may apply. Ts&Cs at mobilecause.com/constituent-terms-new.

Teddy Ruxpin

It’s baaaack! The creepy AF bear you had as a kid is back again, this time with about 10% less creepiness except those eyes that stare into your soul to chilling effect. I had nightmares about this bear when I was a kid. No way I’m doing that to my kids too, no matter how much they want one.

What I’ll Get Instead

My kids already have something like 36 stuffed bears each already and half of those were “custom” made. They don’t need any more bears. Instead I’m going to get them subscriptions to National Geographic Kids so they can learn all about wildlife instead while indulging their other favorite thing which is getting stuff in the mail.

Fingerlings

Have you seen these things in person? Because you guys, they are just awful. They actually latch on to your kid’s fingers and rub up against them. Plus they are “interactive” so what you’re basically dealing with is a semi-sentient tiny monkey that humps your kid’s finger. Let’s go ahead and add that one right to the NOPE pile.

What I’ll Get Instead

Once again, we have interactive animals living in the house already. They’re called cats. So I’m going to make a donation in their honor to our local wildlife rehabilitation center — and we’ll take the donations in person so they can meet some of the rescued critters!

Hatchimal Surprise

Last year was all about Hatchimals. Do you know how long my youngest played with his after it hatched? About a day. I’m relieved, actually: those glowing eyes haunt my dreams. I’m basically opposed to any noisy toy that lights up or is fake alive, can you tell? IT’S BECAUSE THEY ARE HORRIBLE. So now my kid wants this year’s version that comes with TWO of those creepfest toys. NO NO NO and NOPE.

What I’ll Get Instead

I’ll concede that the hatching thing is cute. So this spring, I’ll take the kids to a local organic, farm that also raises chickens where they can witness real eggs hatching instead. It’s a bit of a drive to get there, but they have lots of great programs for kids, plus their farmer’s market is fabulous. I love creating memories with my kids instead of just giving them stuff.

My kids are buzzing with joy, hope and, well, a touch of greed right now, and they’ll keep adding things to the list all the way up to midnight on Christmas Eve because they still believe in Santa’s magic and not the fact that MOM IS TIRED AND DONE SHOPPING PLUS THE STORES ARE CLOSED ALREADY. But this year I’m reigning that ish IN. They might not get the hottest toys but they will still remember the joy of this Christmas. Now, what time is it? I gotta start shopping.

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