Right now you are freaking out and feverishly searching your Outlook calendar to see exactly how many days you have left before you make the 8 a.m. dash to “surprise” me with the one sad little bouquet of filler flowers still left at the grocery store. Calm down, Mother’s Day is still one week away.
However, because you are physically incapable of preparing for holidays in advance, I am sending this list to you now, in hopes that I don’t have to spend my special day trying not to shove that fistful of carnations down your throat. This year you might want to consider Mother’s Day with more than 24 hours of preparation, because years of scientific study have proven that giving crap gifts leaves the female unwilling to participate in sexual activities for days or even weeks afterward. Either get this to penetrate your brain now, or nothing else of yours will be penetrating in the near future, if you get my drift.
And don’t even go there with the, “But you’re not my mother,” argument. Damn straight. You give your momma those wilty left-over flowers because she has to love you anyway. Your wife, on the other hand, will be giving her mandatory-love smiles to the runny handprints and lopsided clay pots your kids made her in school. Do not under any circumstances think that these handmade gifts and a little breakfast-in-bed have got you covered, Cheap Ass. I can overcook my own eggs and burn my own toast anytime. Your job is to buy me actual presents from an actual store.
For the sake of your health and the future of our sex life, I ask that you refer to the below list of Do’s and Don’ts in a timely manner.
1) DO: Special Activities. DON’T: Family Activities
Did the “family” gain 40 pounds, develop stretch marks, and grow sausage toes? Did the “family” push a kicking watermelon out of a fig-sized hole? Did the “family” lose all muscle tone in its stomach and start to pee when laughing? No? Then the “family” needs to step off my holiday! I do not want to pack peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for five so I can spend a day re-applying sunscreen and pushing a stroller around the zoo. I can pretty much do that every other day of my life. I want to sip cucumber water as I luxuriate in a fluffy robe at the spa, have my feet rubbed at the nail salon, and browse the aisles of Barnes and Noble holding only a handbag and a Starbucks. You know, things I pretty much can’t do any day of my life. Mother’s Day is about thanking mothers, and the best way to do that is to Leave. Us. Alone.
2) DO: Accessories. DON’T: Clothing
You seem to be able to purchase clothing only in 1 of 3 categories:
1) Things you have seen your mother wear (Thanks, but between the 30 years and 50 pounds we don’t exactly have the same style)
2) Clothing in sizes I haven’t worn since we were dating (Thanks, I just love reminders of what I once was and will never be again)
3) Lingerie (No thanks, I’ve seen where this ends…with an epidural and an icepack on my Hoo-Ha)
Fortunately, handbags always fit and never get you pregnant, so get in touch with my favorite girlfriend….her name is Kate Spade.
3) DO: Gadgets. DON’T: Appliances (any and all)
I don’t care how many times you have heard me say I want a Vitamix, if you bring me something with a power cord I will wrap that thing around your neck and pull until your eyes bug out. Mother’s Day is about making a woman feel appreciated for the crap she does for you every day, not filling the cabinets with more crap that can’t be put in the dishwasher. What I would really love is a device that will help me: stay in touch with the girlfriends I never see because they are living fabulous lives across the country; stay in touch with the girlfriends I never see because they are living fabulous lives across town; cyber stalk ex-girlfriends I never want to see again but want to make sure they are not living fabulous lives anywhere. Maybe there’s an app for that?
4) DO: Television. DON’T: Books
Giving a mother of young children a book is like giving a deaf man season tickets to the opera. We can see what it might be, but we’ll never figure out what was said. Do you have any idea how long it would take to read an entire book in the 5-minute increments your children allot me between their requests for food, hiney-wiping, toy mediation, and answering the constant question of “why?” The last time I picked up a novel in our house was to prop up a table leg, so I will save this for the beach vacation I will take in 15 years when the kids have gone to college. What I would really love is the ability to spend my single peaceful hour every night drinking a glass of wine and binge-watching all the TV shows I’ve missed while reading Goodnight Moon. I hear there’s a subscription service to make all my digital dreams come true…
5) DO: Jewelry. DON’T: Jewelry items spelling any variation of the word MOM
Yes, thank you, I am aware of my name, or at least the name I hear followed by the words “I want,” “I need,” or “I can’t find” screamed down every hallway all day long. I am not likely to forget I am someone’s mother, nor is anyone else who encounters my minivan in the carpool line. I do not need to wear this word engraved into a cheesy heart-shape around my neck like a damn dog collar. I know where my home is; if I’m not there it’s because I have run away on purpose and do not want to be returned to my tiny owners. Gemstones, however, are always appreciated, and have the greatest ROI in the bedroom.
Is this too much for you to take in all at once? Let me make it simple for you, Sweetheart. All you have to do is: Spa, Purse, Electronics, Netflix, Diamonds.
Sincerely, Mothers Everywhere