New Year’s Eve used to mean excitement, partying, and possibilities for the year to come. As a parent, there are still possibilities — they just kind of suck.
Your kid will possibly have a meltdown if you take him to a party. Or a diaper blowout if you try going out to dinner anywhere remotely nice. It’s possible you won’t even try leaving the house and both you and your partner will be snoozing on the couch by 9pm. Luckily, the parents of Twitter totally get it and are here to make you laugh through the misery of New Year’s Eve post-kids.
1. How things change.
Your 20-year-old self would die if she knew the highlight of your 2017 New Year’s would be the “Noon Year’s Eve” party your playgroup is throwing.
2. Just give up hope now.
"New year, new you," I say to my son in desperation as I release him from timeout for the 1,385th time this year.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2015
Nothing’s going to change. The sooner we accept it, the easier it will be. Wine also helps.
Who me? Just planning on celebrating New Year's at 9pm like all the other parents.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 1, 2016
Although your toddler’s constant night wakings might mean you see the ball drop after all.
4. Such fun.
Child-free people: So what are your New Year's Eve plans?
Moms: Cleaning stuff.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 31, 2016
There’s still a shitload of Christmas mess and now we’re expected to party? The kids go back to school in 48 hours, we need to get the house back in order and this is literally our only chance.
I'm gonna be a better mom next year. I'll make sure my kids get sunshine, not just sit indoors on their devices half the day.
*cut to kids sitting on a park bench, tablets in hand*
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) December 28, 2017
Maybe next year, moms. Maybe next year.
6. Might make it to 10:30.
NYE 2006: danced on tables and closed out the night with 5am drunk breakfast at Denny's
NYE 2017: i've spent the last week staying up 15 min later each night so i can hopefully make it to midnight
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 28, 2017
Just hoping to make it through dinner, TBH.
How do I convince my kids that it’s actually NOON Years Eve?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 28, 2017
We hear Netflix might be able to help. We can’t do anything about the sun still being up, though. That will require blackout curtains or actual sorcery.
8. Festive AF.
“Cheers to the New Year!” My husband and I will say, as we clink shots of NyQuil, since we have children, and they sneezed in our faces.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 28, 2017
When it comes to germs, kids love to share and their stupid viruses definitely know no holiday. Enjoy your hacking cough while your child-free friends live it up. These are such precious years.
New Year's Eve is a special occasion when parents get to stay up late with little noisemakers all over the place.
Also known as just another day.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) December 28, 2017
Nothing is special and everything is special all at once. This is so real it hurts.
I'm always up with an exhausted child in the middle of the night. New Year's is just the special day when his dad and I don't argue over whose turn it is.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) December 28, 2017
Hey, everyone’s awake together as a family. Yay?
11. It’s all a blur.
*sometime after Christmas and before New Year’s*
7yo: Dad, what day is it?
Me: I have no idea.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 27, 2017
Can we just cancel the whole week and do nothing until the ball drops?
12. Sign us up.
Me: Which New Year's Eve party do you want to go to?
Wife: The one that ends at 10.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2017
The party that ends at 10 is the best party of all. Actually, the party that ends at 10 on your couch is the best party of all.
13. Don’t be like Mommy.
New Year's Eve as a parent is mostly telling our kids to dream big while we lie unshowered and bloated on couches we fall asleep on by 9pm.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 31, 2016
Do as we say, not as we do, kids. Now pass the Cool Ranch Doritos.
14. We’re full of regret.
Ring in the new year by throwing confetti around in a moment of renewed optimism, then realizing what a horrible, shiny mistake that was.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 26, 2016
If it looks like a great idea while scrolling Pinterest at 2 am, just set down your phone. Nothing you find on Pinterest at 2 am will end well.
15. We tried.
My New Year's resolution was to have more patience but, thanks to my kids, I broke that within 5 minutes of the New Year.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 3, 2017
Our hopes are high, our expectations are low. Happy New Year, parents!