Parents are the worst. Actually, politicians are probably the worst. And other people’s kids suck pretty bad too. And Nazis.
In fact, I changed my mind. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Nazis are really the worst. But parents still suck pretty bad. I knew it before I had a kid, and it’s become even more apparent since I’ve joined their ranks.
Here are some of the reasons why:
1. Their kids
2. Their constant complaining about their ungrateful, undisciplined, un-sleeping, whiny, tantrum-throwing kids
3. Their constant bragging about their incredibly smart kids, and/or incredibly athletic kids, and/or incredibly cute kids. Guess what? I was smart and athletic and cute once too. Then I hit puberty.
4. Their constant posting on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Pinterest about their kids. There’s a reason I avoid parents like you in real life, stop making me avoid you in fake life too.
5. The griping about how expensive babysitters are. You know what’s not expensive? Condoms.
6. The constant discussions about children’s TV and music and movies and books. I used to watch that junk too, when I was in college (read: wasted), but I didn’t hold nonstop conversations about it. At least not conversations I can remember. I wish I couldn’t remember the last time you brought up how much you hate Caillou.
7. We get it: You’re tired. News flash: Everyone’s tired. It’s called 5-Hour Energy. Quit being a martyr.
8. Their breathless worrying about video games and social media and twerking and sex and violence and alcohol and concussions and peanut allergies and we’re out of hand sanitizer! I heard about this crazy thing the other day, it’s called 200,000 years of human survival. So take it down a notch, Chicken Little. Your kids will be fine.
9. Their tax break
10. “I can’t! I have to pick up my kid/hang out with my kid/read to my kid/feed my kid/not drink because of my kid/pretend I care all bout my kid’s recital or baseball game or doctor’s appointment/use my kid as an excuse to not have fun because I’m super lame now.”
11. “I can never go to the movies! Wahhh!” You know who can go to the movies? Condoms.
Bonus: Their ridiculous, obnoxious, self-righteous, totally unsupportable belief that they’re better parents than you.