Like many women, I love a good facial. As soon as the steam hits my tired face, and the magical concoctions are being spread on, I go to my happy place of not caring about a damn thing.
If you are passionate about your skin care routine, and nothing comes between your daily dose of serums, toners, and night creams, you are in good company.
Women dig taking care of their skin because it leaves us looking fresh and supple, and also because it just feels really fucking good. Lotions and potions are our drug of choice. We watch YouTube videos about how to get the most glowy-glow ever, and we know which ingredients work best with our skin even though we have no clue what day of the week it is. If given the choice between having someone clean our house for a month or a facial, many of us will pick an hour in the special chair with our face caked in a clay mask.
But even if you are a legit skin care fanatic, chances are you might not have heard of the latest trend — the penis facial. No, not a facial for a penis. And no, not a facial given by a penis (although those might be fun forms of foreplay if you’re into that kind of thing). What we’re talking about is a facial that uses a serum “derived from cells taken from the freshly removed foreskin of newborn babies in Korea.”
According to an article in The Cut, A-list celebs like Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett are fans of the penis facial — and we have so many questions.
First, no, you did not read that wrong; the serum is actually made from the freshly removed foreskin of babies. And yes, it is a real thing that costs real dollars. Oh, and apparently, the serum smells like sperm too, according to Blanchett.
I’m not sure exactly how they transform the freshly plucked foreskins and turn them into a serum, but I can’t get the picture of tiny foreskins being plopped into a blender then whipped up out of my head, so I feel the need to pass it on to you.
The real name of the penis facial is Epidermal Growth Factor, but let’s not call it that. Because PENIS FACIAL is way more fun to say (and yes, I feel like this is one of those situations that calls for all caps) and you get to say things like, “Sorry Mom, I can’t go to the library luncheon with you. I’m getting a PENIS FACIAL.”
The yogurt-slinger facial was created by Georgia Louise, an Upper East Side facialist who came up with this semen-scented procedure specifically for Sandra Bullock while she was working in New York City last year. And apparently the results are, well, orgasmic.
The Cut says the secret foreskin elixir is applied after “Louise preps skin with peels, a micro-needling wand, and an electrifying mask.” All these steps, which don’t sound like they hurt at all, will give your skin a post-climax glow as they are said to “make the skin appear younger.”
While I’d love to find out if this penis rub will sting my skin after it’s been used as a pincushion, and had a few volts run through it, alas, the $650 price tag coupled with the two-year waiting list is discouraging me a bit. I mean, I’m going to be 43 this year; I can’t wait around to have some womb-broom sludge smeared on my face unless it takes like 20 years off. Besides, I think the smart thing to do is put that kind of money in my retirement account.
Then again, Sandra Bullock and Kate Blanchett do look amazeballs from their penis facials, so if you need an excuse to crack into your child’s college account so your skin can be taut and shine like the sun, I say give it a go. But don’t forget to ask for some lavender-scented candles to cut down on the semen smell to make it a more enjoyable experience.