Let’s face it, parents: People say some annoying shit to us on the regular. Whether it’s at the bus stop or at a playgroup, chances are another parent has said something to you that has made you roll your eyes so hard that you almost have a brain hemorrhage. Unsolicited advice, comments about your parenting, and statements that only serve to make you feel like you suck as a mom are all grounds for us to give a giant “WTF?!” to the parents serving up these ridiculous platitudes.
And not only is it bad enough that parents say moronic things that make us point our eyes toward the ceiling, but also some of their actions leave us scratching our heads. Screwing up the carpool line (seriously, it’s May, get it together), replying all to PTA emails (just hit “reply,” people), and acting as if their child is God’s gift to every school club are just some of the examples of the ways parents manage to make us feel like slackers because we are wearing pajamas to the bus stop.
Other statements that make us roll our eyes:
1. “Why aren’t you breastfeeding/bottlefeeding/co-sleeping/letting your kid cry it out?”
Seriously, stop asking intrusive questions about my personal views on parenting. Just like you, I have my reasons for making decisions about my children. Mind your own organically harvested beeswax, okay?
2. “I would never wear pajamas to the bus stop.”
Oh, yeah? Well, I was up all night with a crying baby and just barely made it downstairs as my toddler spilled a gallon of milk on the floor. Frankly, I’m lucky I even remember to put on shoes. And pants.
3. “My kid has never had fast food.”
Isn’t that just quaint? Sorry, lady, but I have three kids to get four different places in under an hour. Ronald McDonald is part of the family. And also? These fries are the only thing I’ve eaten all day. Don’t screw with a mom running on caffeine and deep fried potatoes.
4. “Oh, it’s just a phase. He’ll grow out of it someday.”
Listen, I know that my kid will eventually stop peeing all over the floor in favor of actually using the toilet, but right now, I need to hear that it will happen on a specific day and not “someday.” Like, give me an actual time because I can’t scrub my carpet one more time.
5. “I don’t have kids, but I have a dog, and therefore, I am qualified to extoll parenting advice.”
Stop. Just stop. I have a dog, and as much as she’s part of the family, training a dog to take a shit outside is nothing like potty training so just STFU.
6. “The pounds just melted off a week or two after the baby came!”
Just shut up right now. My youngest is 11, and I’m still hoping to lose the baby weight. Someday.
7. “We never eat sugar.”
FUCK YOU AND YOUR SAD SUGARLESS EXISTENCE.
8. “Boys will be boys.”
Can we all agree that the patriarchy gets enough of a free pass? Seriously, the 1950s called: They want their misogyny back.
9. “Oops, sorry, I didn’t see the ‘Baby’s Sleeping, DON’T RING THE BELL’ sign right over the doorbell.”
Let’s get something straight: The precious time that the baby is sleeping is sacred up in here. When I say don’t ring the doorbell, what I actually mean is “the next person who wakes that baby is getting a junk punch.” Please and thank you for your cooperation.
10. “My 16-year-old son is a great driver.”
Yep. And so is my 90-year-old grandmother. That doesn’t mean I want my kid in the car with your “safe driver.” Sorry, not sorry. No disrespect, Grandma.
11. “Oh, your kid is playing basketball for the first time? Our son has been playing since he was 3, and we think he has a shot at the big time.”
I’m sorry, but, the last time I checked, the NBA wasn’t sending scouts to watch 10-year-olds play basketball. Sure, your kid has skill, but you know what? Mine is having more fun on the court because I’m not pressuring her to become a professional athlete.
12. “Well, it looks like you have your hands full there!”
Why, yes, yes I do and thanks for pointing it out, Captain Obvious! I’m so glad you noticed my toddler’s tantrum lasting from the car to the aisles of the grocery store, and I’m so pleased that you have watched me manhandle my infant while I struggle to put these groceries on the conveyor. Your statement is super helpful. Thanks so much!
We are all guilty of saying eyeroll-worthy things, and never fear, there’s always room for improvement. If you are about to have kids and you can’t comprehend ever rolling your eyes because you are excited about your precious little bundle and the joys of parenthood, trust me when I say with a knowing smile in a not-at-all-annoying voice, “You’ll understand someday.” And if you don’t want kids, that’s cool too. Because I know enough not to say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind. Everyone wants kids.” I’m not stupid. Eyeroll.