1. Why am I always at the end of this freaking line?
2. My phone’s almost out of battery.
3. What the hell am I going to make for dinner tonight?
4. Ooooh! Look at that lady’s cute short haircut.
5. Maybe I should cut my hair like that.
6. Nah, I’d probably look like The Karate Kid.
7. Maybe I’ll make spaghetti tonight.
8. There’s that sexy dad. How you doin’?
9. I wonder if he’d mind if I just sat on his lap for a minute.
10. Ugh…I’ve only got 3% battery left on this stupid phone.
11. I hate this damn phone.
12. I hate spaghetti.
13. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
14. Okay bell…ring. Ring muthafucka ring!
15. I’m never going to get out of here.
16. Ooh…that lady’s dress is SO cute!
17. I should wear dresses.
18. I wish I had some chocolate.
19. Maybe instead of spaghetti, I’ll make tacos tonight…from Taco Bell.
20. Oh man, I need to pluck my eyebrows. I look like Chewbacca.
21. My pores are huge, you could play putt putt golf in these things.
22. Okay seriously, either my clock is wrong or the bell is not ringing on time.
23. What is that smell?
24. Did we leave leftovers from the other night in here somewhere?
25. Ooh look…the Robinsons got a new car.
26. Okay seriously, this bell needs to ring because I have to pee.
27. That lady over there looks just like Star Jones.
28. Whatever happened to Star Jones?
29. Thank God. The bell’s ringing.
30. And here comes the stampede.
31. I mean would it hurt these people to scoot up just a teeny tiny bit to make room for us at the end?
32. Good Lord, I can’t imagine letting my daughter wear shorts that short. What is she, one of The Junior Pussycat Dolls?
33. Okay guys, let’s move.
34. Move your asses!
35. What in the ever loving hell is that smell?
36. Okay, like 200 kids have passed by me and none of them are mine.
37. I think I see one of mine.
38. Nope, not him.
39. Hey there’s my friend Lori…hi there! (wave)
40. Oh crap that wasn’t her.
41. I’m going to pretend I’m swatting a fly so that woman won’t think I’m crazy.
42. Too late. She thinks I’m crazy.
43. Where are my freaking kids?
44. I have to pee so bad.
45. There’s one of mine.
46. I hope their teachers don’t need to come talk to me, because I don’t want them to catch a whiff of whatever died in the back of this minivan.
47. Okay…my phone is now completely dead. Awesome.
48. There’s my other kid.
49. That kid over there looks like that cute little boy from Jerry Maguire.
50. Alright, hurry up dude.
51. Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you’re part of a team.
52. Come on guys, sometime today…
53. I think they purposely walk slow to annoy me.
54. Slow as mol-ass-es…
55. Okay, no teachers are coming…so that’s good.
56. O.M.G. This dude in front of me is going to have scoot up or I’m going to have to tap that ass of his Ford Focus, 30 day tags or not. I don’t give a f*ck.
57. I’m literally going to piss myself.
58. Here they are.
59. I missed them today.
60. I see two kids, but only one backpack.
61. I’m going to pretend like that’s not happening.
62. Now let’s get the hell out of here before they notice it’s missing and my bladder explodes.
And that concludes today’s random thoughts while waiting in the dreaded pick-up line. I’ll be there again tomorrow, same time, same place in the dirty minivan, in the back of the line. I just hope I can figure out what the hell that smell is by then.