My kids have pulled some antics that can be easily explained with the idiom “kids will be kids” — or at least that’s what I tell myself. I suppose it’s all part of being a parent, but sometimes when I think about some of the crap I’ve tolerated as a parent, I can’t help but think about revenge. There are a few things I’d love to do when my kids are adults so that they will understand how tolerant I was as a parent. Below are some examples:
1. Barge into the bathroom while my daughter is pooping and demand popsicles.
2. Watch them spend an hour making dinner after a long day at work. Then, after they’ve served me, drop it on the floor “accidentally” and ask for mac and cheese.
3. Wake my son at 4 a.m. and ask if I can play the iPad.
4. Tell my daughter’s pediatrician that sometimes she says cuss words when she helps her children with homework.
5. Use their bathroom with a house full of guests and scream for someone to wipe my butt.
6. Go to Thanksgiving dinner after they toiled for two days and demand a peanut butter sandwich.
7. Pull my daughter’s bikini bottom down in front of all her friends at the pool and laugh about it with her husband for years.
8. Reach under the bathroom door and ask if they can see my fingers. Then describe the sounds I can hear through the door.
9. Ask if I can sit on their lap while they are pooping.
10. Shart in my underwear and leave them on the bathroom floor.
11. Use their bathroom and not flush.
12. Ask them for money every day.
13. Get them up at 3 a.m. and then act pissed off all day.
14. Go to the pool and ask them every five minutes to watch some trick or fix my goggles.
15. Loudly argue with my son while we are shopping as to whether or not he can smell my fart.
16. Throw my daughter’s phone in the toilet and blame it on the cat.
17. Offer to help them clean their house and then spend the whole time in the bathroom pretending to poop.
18. Push on my son’s 30-something gut and ask if he is going to have a baby.
19. Throw a toy on the backseat floor while we are on the freeway and then scream and scream and scream to get it back. After they pull over and hand it to me, I will wait until they are back on the freeway, and throw it on the floor once more. Repeat five times.
20. Beg them to go to McDonald’s and then crap my pants while in the drive-thru.
21. Make it rain granola in the backseat of their cars.
22. While at dinner, look at the person next to me and eat my own booger.
24. Break something very expensive at their homes, and then when they get mad, cry and insist they comfort me.
25. Get them really, really frustrated and then ask for a hug.
OK…honesty time: I’d never do any of these things to my children in the future. I’m the parent, which comes with maturity, and understanding, and blah, blah, blah…but it sure is fun to imagine, isn’t?