The Sex Toy You Need In Your Life

I never knew a bit of silicon could blow my mind so well.

I’m not talking about my vibrator, which I thought would be like robot sex but turned out to be a ticket to heaven (insert requisite Catholic school joke here). I’m talking about the cock rings my husband ordered off Amazon Prime.

We Amazon Prime everything. Clothes, toiletries, food. Heck, we’d have Amazon Prime’d the babies if we could. So why not sex toys?

All my husband told me was that a box was coming, and don’t open it in front of the kids. So for two days, I opened all the Amazon packages in the bedroom, which was a giant pain in the ass, considering that two small people beat on the door and yelled, “What is it? What iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssss it?” while I did unboxed.

Finally, the goods arrived — a package of individually-wrapped silicon rings, most of which looked like sections of hollow alien plant life, all soft knobs and spikes and nubs. I’ve been to those sex toy parties; I knew what those things were. Cock rings. And the hubs had just bought the value variety pack in a plethora of pastel colors.

I was skeptical. Super skeptical. Then again the vibrator my husband recently bought had worked out pretty well. So maybe he knew what he was doing.

When hubs came home, all excited because the Amazon elves had notified him that his package had been delivered, I let him be excited. I agreed to try them. I remembered those pokey rings and sort of shuddered at the thought of them in my lady bits. It worried it might be like fucking Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, but why not give it a try. I could always tell him to stop, because, you know, consent.

So I got all naked and so did he and we did things and he stuck one on — you have to use some lube to get it on there, I learned — and then he put it in. And let me tell you, saints and angels and Kate McKinnon sang Hallelujah right then and there because that little nubbly thing felt amazing. See, I don’t know about you girls — and Madge the Vag could tell you more about it than me — but the entrance and first third of my lady parts is super sensitive. All those little nubs and knobs were rubbing against it. I was arched back and yelling for the hubs and Jesus and all the other wild things you scream during mind-blowing sex.

Even better, a cock ring, I learned later, narrows blood flow to the penis, which means that blood goes in, but comes out much more slowly than usual. The result? A rock-hard erection with more girth and a little more length. It’s like you traded your husband’s man-parts for the upgraded version. This magic little ring also makes him more sensitive, but delays orgasm. So when he comes, he comes hard. At least, the hubs did. He lived up to all the cock ring promises, textbook. Now he’s got me cruising Amazon for more of them.

But before you go sex-crazy, there’s some stuff you need to know about cock rings. Hubs did all the research to begin with; I had to catch up later when I started looking on my own. I discovered that they can fit around the penis or the penis and testicles, but we’re just talking about the ones for the penis here.

They come in silicon and metal. Silicon stretches. Metal doesn’t. So basically, if the metal turns out to be too tight once the guy gets totally hard, because you should put the penis-only type on before he’s at full mast, and he can’t get it off, you have a really embarrassing ER trip on the horizon: dudes don’t soften up under these things (even post-orgasm, they need to take them off to calm it down). This actually happens. So go with the silicon if you’re a beginner.

If your dude feels any numbness in his glans, his penis gets white, or it’s been more than thirty minutes, he needs to take if off, stat.

It’s supposed to constrict blood flow — but not that much. Too much restricted blood flow can seriously damage his manhood, y’all. And it goes without saying that if he experiences any pain, he should immediately remove the ring. We found that some of the thicker rings in the multipack were a little too thick, if you know what I mean.

Other than that: use some lube, slip one on, and enjoy. You need one of these things in your life, I promise. If your dude has problems in the erection department, a cock ring can be a big help in attaining and maintaining an erection: so much so that Walgreens sells them (online). If you’re scared, get the multi-pack like the hubs did and use the sleeves rather than the rings, which are thinner, less likely to put too much pressure on him, and still have all the lovely little nubs and knobs — the multi-pack, by the way, also includes smooth rings if you’re not into the friction. You can even get vibrating cock rings, which I’ve realized I absolutely need in my life: cock rings with an attachment that hums against your lady bits. Can I get an Amen?!

So I got a new toy. Hubs got harder. And both our minds got blown.

Trust me, girlfriend. You need a cock ring.

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