Social media is a funny thing. It takes away our inhibitions. It’s a lot like drinking; it makes you braver than you might be in real life. It makes you bold — makes you show a nipple or two, three of you have an extra one. Social media should require some sort of certificate of common sense to open an account. There are just some things you should never do, like:
1. Post anything offensive.
For as handy as the delete option is, nothing online is ever delete-able. Ever. Just ask any celebrity who has ever posted something stupid on Twitter. Better yet, Google it. You’ll see for yourself.
2. Facebook Live a birth.
No one is arguing that the birth of a child isn’t a beautiful miracle. We’re just saying no one wants to see a baby breech your honey pot.
3. Share a picture of your child’s first toilet poop.
I get the excitement with potty training, I do. It’s liberating. It’s amazing. There are no words to express the level of excitement a parent feels when they no longer have diaper duty. But, there is nothing special enough about poop to warrant a prominent place on your timeline. If you don’t agree, go look at your own then post it and see how “special” it is.
4. Share a picture of your child’s first couch poop.
In addition to advertising to the world that you have a feral child (and we all have had that child at one point), we don’t need to see photographic evidence of your little Mowgli. We know a bear shits in the woods, and we also know there’s a good chance your child has also marked their territory on the very spot we are sitting on right now while having coffee with you.
5. Discuss personal…habits.
We don’t really need to know if you pick your belly button lint and smell your finger after.
6. Complain about finances.
Unless you have an actual complaint, like the ridiculous rise in the cost of the EpiPen or other life-saving needs — not because the inflation of recreational weed is consuming all of your extra income and you can’t make rent.
7. Post a photo of your child on the toilet.
Everything is cute when you’re 4, and it would all stay cute if we stayed 4. But we don’t. See how cute that picture is when your child is 14 and hates you forever.
8. Post a photo of yourself on the toilet.
Toilets are funny. I get it. People sitting on toilets — hilarious. See how funny that picture is when your child is 14 and hates you forever.
9. Post a photo of your placenta.
If you go to the meat aisle at the grocery store and look at the roasts, it’s basically the same thing. Except a placenta has a stem and tree roots growing into one side of it. At the end of the day, no one is excited to see this part of your new delivery.
10. Share photos/videos of you disciplining your kids.
Disciplining your children is not a Pinterest craft. Keep if offline. The only points you get for humiliating your kids online is in douchebaggery. You get asshole points for asking people to like and share said pictures to validate that “you did the right thing.”
11. Announce family news before your family knows.
You know that one time Cousin Sue posted your engagement on Facebook, and you didn’t even know you were engaged yet.
12. Disclose issues you have with your partner/spouse.
We don’t need the 411 on what isn’t working on your relationship. We don’t want to know what is not happening in your bedroom. We don’t want to know how many broken dishes you destroyed last night fighting over why someone forgot to pay the utility bill. We most definitely do not want to know if Mrs. Robinson tried to seduce your significant other — or vice versa.
13. Drunk posting.
If you never know what will fly out of your mouth offline while you’re drunk, don’t even get online. When you wake up to 754 notifications and have only two friends left, you’ll know why. See #1.
14. Talk shit about your coworkers.
Especially if you’re “friends” with any of them. I shouldn’t have to tell you that gossip spreads faster around a cube farm than a selfie stick in a room full of tween girls.
15. Complain about your boss.
Especially if you’re “friends” with any of your co-workers. Chances are, someone wants your cubicle because it’s closer to the bathroom and won’t think twice about sharing with your supervisor.
16. Talk smack about other people and/or their kids.
Six degrees of separation is a real thing. Especially when said people go to your church, child’s school, playgroup, or are otherwise linked in some way to your life. Follow the old school rule with this one: If you don’t have anything nice to say…
17. Post that you are 9000 miles away in Australia.
Might as well let everyone know that your spare key is buried under the purple pansy in the flower pot next to your front door. This way when you get home, you don’t have to replace broken windows, just everything that was stolen.
It’s all common sense, really. Of course as said by Voltaire, “Common sense is not so common.” Isn’t that the truth in the world of transparency we are evolving into?
Just remember to teach your kids the stuff that applies to both real life and online life:
– You can’t take back your words.
– Always think before saying anything.
– Don’t post anything you wouldn’t show your boss.
– Keep your poop in the toilet, and keep your toilet off Facebook.