Scary Mommy

These Were Some Of The Top Sex Toys Of 2019

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Scary Mommy and Giulio Fornasar/Getty

It’s 2020 and time to talk about the best of the best from 2019. We all know we’re in the midst of the Golden Globes, Critics’ Choice, and SAG awards. While it’s fun to critique dresses and suits while reminiscing about what gave us the most pleasure last year, there’s absolutely zero reason why sex toys should be left out of this party.

It’s important to keep the lips of the world happy and be bearers of good news. So, we’re here to share the wealth and orgasms which have been brought to you by tools that know how to stir your honey pot in all the right ways.

First, we need to talk about the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation. This clit whisperer was the top-selling toy in America during 2019. If you’re wondering why it’s so great, let me explain: Never have I been able to take control of my orgasms with any other toy like I have with this one.

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It’s a direct clitoral stimulator. It’s waterproof (please don’t use this standing up because I can not guarantee you’ll be able to keep your footing while you are jetting your juice), and it has eleven levels of stimulation.

Eleven.

And to glaze your donut even more, it doesn’t require batteries and is whisper quiet so buzzing one off while your kids are home isn’t out of the question.

Sophie McGrath, head of Customer Satisfaction at Adultmegastore, told us, “Never in our history have we had a toy sell out so fast.” People with vulvas are literally making sparks with their credit card as soon as they hear about this new way to sauce their taco because they can’t swipe fast enough.

Author Clementine Ford included the Satisfyer Pro 2.0 in her Top 5 Favorite Sex Toys list saying: “This toy is MAJESTICAL. It’s a clitoral stimulator that acts slightly differently to a vibrator, using pulses rather than vibration to drag intense and powerful orgasms out of even the most reluctant clitoral outposts. I consider myself to be an expert at self-pleasure, but this was next level.”

Columnist Emily Writes honored the Satisfyer Pro 2.0 in a tribute in The Spinoff: “I had an orgasm in seconds. Literally seconds. Figuring it was a fluke, I tried again the next day in the shower. NOT A FLUKE. I almost broke my damn leg falling over. I felt like I was in someone else’s body. It was so incredible I immediately messaged all my girlfriends and told them about it.”

A customer who tried the Satisfyer says, “Well, I’ve never gone from 0 to 100 so quickly and pleasurably. I was truly blown away by the device and I’m so glad I bought it. It will certainly be my new number one go to from here on out.”

Who doesn’t want a dependable vibe that gives such a powerful orgasm we forget who and where we are? I’ll take two, please.

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If you are going to invest in a sex toy for 2020, why not go for the winner?

We do have a second and third place if your decide to go with something different. Or, why not get them all and go for a satisfying trifecta? Life is short and orgasms are important.

The Suction Cup Dildo will stick it to ya if direct internal penetration is what you crave. When used solo or with a partner, this will take your tingle time to the next level. It doesn’t require batteries, and its six inches is the perfect size for a fun time–especially paired with the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Gen, but you didn’t hear that from me.

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If you are wanting to try out a dildo for the first time, you can’t beat this one–the price is right, it’s easy to handle, and you can stick it anywhere and go for a nice ride.

One customer review says, “It’s wonderful and sticks almost anywhere I put it. Even the roof on occasion. Would recommend it to others as it is amazing quality for the price.”

Sticking a dildo to the roof sounds adventurous. Perhaps you can multitask and sun your butthole at the same time.

Another recommended it, saying, “Would recommend this for a first time user of a dildo. Had a lot of fun especially since it can suction in the shower.”

I think my water bill went up just from reading that.

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In third place, we have the We-Vibe Anniversary Collection, which includes the very popular We-Vibe Sync Couples’ Vibrator.  If you’re looking to spice things in the bedroom or get your loins heated up during a dinner date, this is a super fun way to get your partner aroused.

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While it’s a bit of an investment, this product sells out fast, according to McGrath. It targets the G-spot and the clitoris at the same tim and can be controlled by a remote, or the app you download to your phone.

In other words, you can be a long distance from your partner and this app lets you to control the party happening in their pants by allowing you to send them a surprise wake up call or pleasure them to sleep at night without even being there.

It’s designed to contour to any body and is a hands-free toy you can also enjoy alone. BONUS.

One user writes, “My husband is in the military and I have been living in separate states for a few months due to military life. We wanted something that could spice up our life when we are together and apart and this did the trick. I love that the app lets you video chat as well. Best toy ever invented!”

What did we ever do without this kind of technology in our life?

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It’s important to know what’s performing well, and our vaginas deserve only the best. So, if you’re looking for a new toy to add to your tickle truck, or you’ve never purchased a vibrator before and don’t want to do any guess work, we’ve sorted it all out for you.

It was a tough job, but we made it through. You are welcome.