I'm Just Not Cool Enough For This Sh*t

I used to be cool, which is not saying a whole lot since I grew up in a tiny tourist town in the Black Hills of South Dakota. But I knew what was what in South Dakota, that is fo’ shizzle. Silver safety pins lining the insides of my pants, check. Mountain Dew every single day at lunch, check. The Indigo Girls, check. Polo shirts and bodysuits, checkity-check. Embellished jean jackets, sky-high bangs, fringe boots — oh yes, I did it all. I was so cool.

That was obviously a very long time ago. The dawning horror that I will never, ever figure out what is cool again has been creeping up on me for about 10 years now. And recently I’ve begun to accept it whole-heartedly. I’ll never figure it out again because my brain just can’t handle some information, like the fact that my once-beloved ’80s fashion is now back in style. I recognize it well. But I gave it up once, and I just can’t seem to go back there again — and really, nobody wants me to.

Here are some of the other things that I am just not cool enough for anymore:

All the Crazy Things People Are Doing to Their Vaginas

The bleaching, the vajazzling, the steaming, the plumping, the insertion of jade eggs, the showcasing, the gluing (?). Seriously, I cannot even keep up with what is going on in mainstream fashion, let alone vagina fashion. My vagina and I are fine, thank you. Step away with your glue sticks and your rhinestones.

Top 40 Music

Pandora has given me the ability to only ever listen to what I want to listen to which is why my kids will grow up thinking that the radio only ever plays music that makes you want to take a nap. And I actually think Spotify is probably seen as being cooler — but at least I know what this is, right? I like my sleepy music in my sunny house, and if I ever try to listen to a hip-hop song, I feel about 100 years old, like, “Oh my goodness gracious, can they really say those things?” Sad, I know.

The Lingo

Oh my god, I just said lingo. I’m pretty sure only octogenarians say lingo. I sound ridiculous, but at least I’m not trying to throw out lit and hype and #goals. I remember cringing so hard when my mom started using “awesome,” and then it became dead to me.

That Darn-Fangled Tech Stuff

You lost me at Snapchat. I managed to kinda keep up with FB (which is seriously not cool) and Instagram and Twitter, but that is all I can do. I can do no more. I cannot Reddit or Tumblr or Vine. No, I cannot in the rain. No, I cannot on a train.

Arm Tattoos

This one is not totally out of the picture for me according to my extensive Pinterest searching. But somehow I think that when you are searching Pinterest for arm tattoos, you probably aren’t really one of the coolest cats in the room.

Ironic Glasses

I’m way too close to needing actual reading glasses that I will eventually leave scattered over the entire house like every other older female relative I have — thankyouverymuch.

Understanding Shit Like Dabbing or Planking

I don’t get it. I won’t ever get it. Moving on.

The Freaking Makeup

Watching makeup tutorials, contouring like Kim Kardashian, reading about makeup, ordering makeup subscription boxes — I really just don’t understand anything about makeup other than putting on foundation and eyeliner, or if I’m feeling super-fancy, mascara and lip gloss. Just watching other people put their makeup on makes me feel overwhelmed.

Instagram Photos of My OOTD

When I first saw OOTD, I had to google what that meant which basically equals not cool enough lady. (Go ahead, google it. No judgment here.) And no one wants to see my black leggings and oversized sweatshirt 12 days in a row, trust me.

All of the Other Stuff…

…that I’m not even cool enough to know about — which is a lot, I’m sure.

I’ve come to terms with my uncoolness factor. I gladly pass the torch to my offspring who will soon be embarrassed by my old-person takeover of their slang words. That will be fun. But in my frantic search for things that are cool, I did read that online shopping and Netflix are considered in, so I think I get some hella credit for those at least. Totes.