Kids and spouses, lend me your ears. I know that, at times, it might seem like we’re asking a lot of you, but trust me, we’re not. It’s really not difficult to make us happy, but for some reason you choose to do all the things that drive us absolutely crazy, and we are tired of it. Believe it or not, we don’t like flying off the handle, and we don’t like throwing adult tantrums. We just want to be happy and serene and peaceful and shit. Help us help you.
Here are just a few things you can do to keep us from losing our shit daily.
1. Put your dishes in the sink.
That’s right — I’m not even asking you to put them in the dishwasher. I don’t understand why that extra 10 inches makes the task so insurmountable, but I’ll let it go. Just put your cups and plates and bowls in the sink. Not on the floor, on the counter, or in your bedroom. The sink. If you really want to go above and beyond, run some water on them.
2. Clothes go in the hamper.
If you expect us to wash your clothes, we expect you to put them where they belong. Don’t make us hunt for your dirty bra. Don’t make us guess if a pair of jeans on your bed is clean or dirty. Just deposit them into the “please clean me” vessel. It’s not rocket science. And while we’re on the topic of laundry…
3. Wipe your butt properly, please.
Skidmarks are nasty. If we’re doing your laundry, we don’t want to rake our fingers on your poop stains. We never want to see poop in the laundry — ever.
4. Run the garbage disposal.
I mean, it’s a switch. Flip the damn switch. Why do I have to do it for you? You’re making the whole house smell weird — and pissing me off.
5. Flush the toilet.
Seriously, if my kids pee, they will flush 7,000 times, but if they take a dump, they leave it there for everyone to enjoy. I am not enjoying it.
6. Trash goes in the trash can.
I don’t care if it’s “just” a candy bar wrapper or “just” a tag from a sweater you bought; it “just” needs to go into the trash as soon as possible so it doesn’t find its way between the couch cushions for me to find later and flip my lid over.
7. Do what you say you’ll do.
If you tell me you’re going to take out the trash, then do it. If you don’t want to set the bar that high — and if you don’t want me to have that expectation — then don’t grandiosely announce you’re taking on the chore. I’ll never know, and no one will get angry. But if you say you’re going to do something, in the name of all that is holy, follow through.
8. Listen to me when I talk.
If I take five minutes to explain to you where the social calendar is that lists what’s happening this week, and you ask me 30 minutes later if we have any plans tomorrow, I will go right through the roof. And I like our roof. Please don’t make me break our roof.
9. Put my stuff back.
Feel free to borrow my keys, my makeup, my library card, whatever. But it damn well better be put back where you found it. I don’t want to be late to work simply because you still have my keys in your pocket.
10. Tell me you love me.
I know it seems small, maybe even petty, but love really does cover a multitude of sins, and it may even keep me from gouging out your eyeballs while I scrape dried yogurt out of the bowl you left in your room until it turned into a science experiment.
That is all. For now anyway.