We are judgers. Some are judgy-er than others. Still, we’ve all made a list of things we will never ever do when we have children. More times than not, we end up going back on that word – not just going back, but crawling on our poor tired parent hands and knees to the things we swore we’d never do. All the while, some satisfied seasoned parenting pro you stuck your nose up at is soaking up the satisfaction. Somebody, somewhere out there is smiling, saying “I told you so.”
1. I will never let my child play with my smart phone / tablet. First, let me say this and accept the rebuttals later. HA HA HA. Was this some kind of sick joke? You mean I’m just going to suffer while my child knocks everything in a straight line off the shelves in aisle three, while the play store has Strawberry Shortcake download for free? Go ahead, judge me. When Tylenol stops working, the phone comes out.
2. That time you said you’d never put your child on a back pack leash. You remember, standing in line at Target’s in-store Starbucks, sipping a frappe and shaking your head at the mom being pulled across the tile by a 2-year-old on a leash attached to a pink unicorn backpack. I know. I was you, and when my non-mom friends give me their uneducated opinions on it, I smile and plot how I’m going to rub it in their faces the day their children enter the terrible two’s. I’ll be waiting.
3. When you vowed to make home cooked wholesome meals, every night. That’s a pretty wholesome Happy Meal you’ve got there, McHypocrite.
4. When you solemnly swore to not let yourself go. I have all these wonderful organic, fitness-filled plans, all lined up on their own designated board on Pinterest, ready to inspire me to get back to my pre-baby body, and then my 6-month-old wants to party all night long. Not making excuses or anything (yes I am), but I’m tired. I’ll do a few crunches and hope they cancel out that corn dog.
5. Baby talk. On any given day, you can find me speaking in the third person and referring to the restroom as a “potty.” Not sure when exactly I will grow out of this. Things get pretty ugly when an adult’s only social life is with children 4 and under.
6. “I will never make threats I can’t keep.” Not even sure my daughter believes these anymore. I’ve threatened to take the TV away, to call Santa, to throw her toys away and many more. Santa still comes, Strawberry Shortcake still plays, and her room is still a tsunami of naked Barbie dolls with tattered hair.
7. “Because, I said so.” I was so against this as a child, and was convinced I would never leave my child in the dark without a real answer. I would explain things to my child. Oh yes, I would enlighten her and she would understand and listen right away. I mean, obviously a 3-year-old understands that picking up her room is going to teach her to care for things, and makes it easier to find her stuff. After the seven hundred and third time, the answer is now, “BECAUSE I SAID SO,” and that is that. Lovely little phrase.
8. “My kid will never act like THAT at the store”.” Oh yes, I was so sure I was far more classy and had much more control than to allow my offspring to ruin everyone else’s shopping experience. I was once threatened in Walmart for commenting on somebody’s loud child as a teen. Now, I use #1, #6, and #7 to keep my kid quiet. On odd occasions, it works. Around two and a half she went through a terrible phase where she ran and screamed and I had to look like a crazy person and drag her out of the store just so I could cry in my PT Cruiser all the way home. Karma, she will find you.
9. I swore my house would stay clean. I mean, how hard can it be to wake up, feed them, clean the house, and put them to bed? ESPECIALLY if I’m a stay-at-home mom. All they do is sit at home all day, the least I can do is keep the house clean. Those lazy moms with dirty houses. Rudest awakening of my life. I’m so, so sorry.
10. “I will never use the TV as a babysitter.” I actually had it in my head that every day I would have an educational craft all laid out for my child while I did the dishes and made a wholesome dinner. I think I’ve tried a few times too. Strangely enough, she is not interested in anything I’m NOT doing. Who knew? Nanny Netflix, at your service. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else I would take my bi-daily shower, and have the first five minutes to myself. I cherish those five minutes.
Don’t feel bad. We are all guilty. How could we have known parenting would be this hard? You’re in the clear now; your judgey asshole ways have been reprimanded and you are officially free to shake your head at the sorry sucker who’s buying a baby wipe warmer and turning their nose up at your extremely loud toddler.