Why You Should Say Yes Tonight

couple-in-bed

It took you two hours to get the kids to sleep.

There were glasses of water fetched, imaginary flies pretend swatted, three stories read and everyone was tucked in –begrudgingly. But not for long. Because then there was the crying and screaming (you) and the ultimatums (them). The bribes. Empty threats were made and finally, they collapsed–all their ploys exhausted, to rest up for another day of killing you slowly.

It’s kind of a suck job, this whole mom business, but it is your suck job and you may as well not complain. So you were just looking forward to an hour or two of wallowing in quiet self-pity and ice cream, perhaps curled up with a book or even an episode of The Bachelor.

You thud down the stairs in your too small pajama pants, your t-shirt has spatters of paint and reads 5K Fun Run 2006. You can’t recall how you acquired this shirt but you sure as hell know you have never ran a 5k and if you had, it would not ever be classified, in your opinion, as something a person should do for fun.

As you traipse around the corner to the kitchen you think you hear the faint sound of the stereo playing in the family room. You grab the Ben and Jerry’s from the freezer, slam the door shut with your rear end and grab a spoon. You are sitting cross legged, contemplatively at the kitchen table, fitness magazine (fuck you, irony) spread out in front of you when you realize that there is music playing.

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And that it is definitely coming from the family room, where, it seems, someone has turned off the overhead lights. Hmmmm…

You can barely make out the flicker of candlelight from the shadows around the corner and you wondering if you should go and investigate (a seance?) when you hear the soft strains of melodic sex oozing from the record player.

Sade.

Your spoon stops in mid air.

Oh no. Think. Think. Think.

You consider a retreat back upstairs, a fake sleep at the table. You wish for narcolepsy, amnesia. Anything. But it is too late. He is already sauntering around the corner, wearing only his jeans and white undershirt.

He is holding two wine glasses.

He has spotted you and he is smiling.

“Well helloooo beautiful.”

You want to turn around and see if perhaps there is someone behind you to which he is actually speaking. But then he winks. At you.

And he speaks again, reaching out for your hand and peering at you in what you imagine he imagines to be seductive allure.

He gestures with his hands up and down his middle aged dad sized frame.

“Are you up for…this ?”

Shit.

* * * * *

It’s a struggle that must go back to the dawn of time.

Perhaps even back to those prehistoric cave dwelling couples in the Stone Age. She gathered the berries and hauled water and nursed Neanderthal Junior all day long. Neanderthal Man was busy hunting bison with blunt sticks.

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He should have been exhausted. She was exhausted. But as soon as the baby was sleeping in his stone bassinet, here came her husband–hunching and smoldering, grunting the modern equivalent of “let’s get it on.”

All she wanted was to sit quietly, maybe bone up on some of the cave wall hieroglyphics. But her Neanderthal husband had a different plan. He wanted to bone her.

What’s a Neanderthal wife to do? What’s any wife to do? What will YOU do?

I know this is novel, but brace yourself: Why not go for it?

Before you even begin (put your hand down) I know you have a million reasons why not.

I’ll list a few here:

You’re tired. Perpetually tired.
You haven’t showered since yesterday (or in the case of Neanderthal Woman, since never).
You just put on your GOOD yoga pants.
He just WINKED at you.
You need to read this fitness magazine and eat ice cream.
The lights are on.

So many more. But let’s agree to let the Why Not’s rest for awhile.

You can always say No.

Don’t you say No a hell of a lot?

You are practiced in saying No.

No means No and should always be respected.

No is often our first response.

But, before we realize it, the no’s can add up into a long yoga pant drawstring of days and weeks. Months. Suddenly we are counting back on fingers, and toes…and with a sickening sense of worry, we can’t even remember the last time we had said YES to a roll in the hay.

And we worry even more that our husbands remember EXACTLY how long it’s been.

Or that they are keeping a log of our refusals, like this guy did.

Is that guy a jerk? Probably.

Are we any different than his wife? Probably not.

So, let’s just take a deep breath and loosen the drawstring a bit. Let’s explore what might happen if this time (brace yourself) you said yes…

1. You would burn calories. According to Mens Health, the average man burns 100 calories and the average woman 69 (hee hee) calories during the typical roll in the hay. Okay, so maybe you aren’t burning as much as if, say, you were sprinting a (not at all fun) Fun Run, but still far more than you would burn shoveling in the Ben and Jerry’s.

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2. You would be happier. Making whoopee makes you giddy, psychologically. WebMD cites a study that surveyed the sexual activity and happiness of 16,000 men and women and found that sex “enters so strongly (and) positively in happiness equations” that they estimate increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the average American.” You might not be trading in the minivan for the car of your dreams this year, but you can still take the Mustang out for a ride if you know what I mean.

3. You would be healthier. Listen, girl, you’re a mess. You have no time for anything healthy—sure, you wolf down your daughter’s Flintstones vitamins and you floss the week before you go to the dentist. But a little ‘gland to gland combat’ is just about as good as any other move toward a healthier you. It has been proven to boost your libido, make you sleep more soundly, reduce your risk of heart attack and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.Unless your pelvic floor muscles are already super. Which, in that case, disqualifies you from even reading this. I almost called this it Need kegels, will travel. Ahem. Moving on.

4. You will feel more connected. There’s probably a lot of science to back this one up, but let’s keep this more simple. Every woman I know says that while she might have a million reasons she didn’t have the energy to start having sex, she’s usually glad she did it anyway. Because afterward, you just…like each other. Of course you always love each other. Even when you say no. Even when he isn’t interested (isn’t he always interested?). Even when you are too tired. And even when you haven’t had sex since before the baby, unless you count that one time at his parents house when you told him you would do it if you didn’t have to take off any articles of clothing and didn’t have to move at all. And he was all like, sure, that’s cool. But when you do decide to ignore the Why Not’s, when you do decide to just go for it, you realize that more than loving him—you actually like him. And you like having sex with him.

That guy, he’s pretty okay, isn’t he? He would never keep a spreadsheet of your refusals, he understands you. He doesn’t care that your pelvic floor is as weak as a busted up hammock. He thinks you’re beautiful. Even when you are irrational or difficult (which is never). And he wants to do the horizontal hokey pokey RIGHT NOW.

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And he wants only you.

Sometimes you just can’t muster the energy and sometimes you will say no. And that’s okay. Take the guilt and throw it out with the empty Ben and Jerry’s pint. But take the long list of Why Not’s and toss those out too. The whole thing needs to be redetermined and reconsidered.

If you wait for that small interval in which you have had enough sleep and feel enough energy and have enough time and you really really really want to…well, that time might never come.

And then you might never come.

So I’m here to say this: sometimes it’s okay to fake it until you make it.

(Except don’t fake IT. Make him work for that shit.)

* * * * *

You take the wine glasses from his hand and tell him that if he promises to never, ever wink again you will give it a go. And he wants to dance with you.

And dancing leads to kissing and kissing leads to the stairs and the stairs lead to your bedroom. And the bedroom leads to bow-chick-bow-bow.

And once you are in your bed—your legs layered in post coital bliss, you are still tired but you are glad. He touches his nose to your nose and smiles so closely you remind yourself to tell him tomorrow to trim his nostril hair. But boy, is he handsome. And he looks at you so happily. You are glad you ignored the Why Not’s this time.

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You are just about to drift off into sleep when the bedroom door is flung open. The tell tale sound of child sized footstep approach the bed and you brace yourself for what comes next.

“Mama. I’m FIRSTY”, says your son as he pokes you in the neck.

You don’t even move or open your eyes as you speak.

“Honey?” You say sweetly to your husband.

“Are you up for… this?”

And then you drift quietly into a long and restful slumber.

About the writer

@momof4istired

Nicole Jankowski is a mom of four kids and two awesome step-kids, a divorcee, a writer and very good at saying all the wrong things to the right people. Read about her experiences with autism, addiction and awesomeness at www.momof4istired.com.

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Ellie Ann 2 weeks ago

I would love for my SO to do this, heck I’d love for him to just not reject me. I think in this aspect I’m the one with the male sex drive and he is more just not into it. And no, I’m not keeping a chart of every time he says “No” but I do know how long its been since he’s said yes. And let me tell ya, it’s getting to have been too long.

DovahkiinDead 5 months ago

Ugh. I never say no to my partner because he seldom asks, so I take it where I can get it. I wish I had to energy and the self confidence to initiate more. The whole thing makes me feel pretty pathetic and insecure :(

Missy 5 months ago

Agree with this 100%. My husband and I have been married 5yrs, together for 8 and we have two young children together. In all that time, I have very rarely said no and b/c I don’t make it a habit of denying him, he never bothers me about it when I am actually really sick or tired. Anyway, my point is while my husband says he would never cheat on me (and I do trust him otherwise we wouldn’t be married), I’ll be damned if I give another woman an opportunity to tempt him b/c he isn’t gettin’ it at home. And I really do think it makes for a happier marriage in most cases. “Mate guarding”…

MamaB 8 months ago

Yes! That is a very important thing to remember when it feels as though the needs are overwhelming and never-ending and you notice your husband is beginning to feel like one more: he is not! If you let him, he will remind you that you are more than just a Mom – you’re still a desirable woman in your own right! I honestly think that the huge number of women who feel negatively about themselves/their bodies after having children aren’t being reminded of that important fact often enough. I’m 3 weeks from my due date – with our third child in three years! – so I absolutely understand feeling overloaded by physical demands all day every day. Struggling with a colicky baby and clingy toddler last year, while juggling 2 dogs, a cat, housework, and a sudden, unplanned pregnancy, I really had to work to ensure I didn’t see my husband’s physical needs as just more demands on my time and body, and to really be mindful of the fact that men find sex and intimacy/love inseparable in a marriage. I had to remember that, when he came to me, it wasn’t just to get off, but because he sought love, support, solace, connection, a self-esteem boost, etc. after a grueling work week. And, because he’s a stellar husband, father, and provider, he comes home and jumps in helping with the kids, with dinner, or with whatever he sees he can help with. He doesn’t care if the house is clean, but he still tries to help minimize messes and help clean up so as not to make more work for me because he loves me and wants to show me so by giving me the things that I actually need – not just what he feels like giving me at the time. If I don’t care about having sex right that second, but I adore and appreciate my amazing husband and want to show him so by giving him what he needs when he needs it, I will always (unless prevented by legitimate illness/injury) acquiesce to his requests for some physical affection (ideally, I will notice his glances and offer before he has to “ask”, as I imagine that must feel demeaning). If there’s some reason I actually can’t have sex, I will try to please him in some other way, because he always goes out of his way to find ways to please me, regardless of whether he has a personal stake/interest in the activity or outcome. This is love: sacrificing for one another in the ways that are meaningful and significant when your loved one needs it – not just when it’s convenient or mutually desirable. Great points you made.

GoJoeGo 8 months ago

Ian, very well put. “Mate guarding”… when my wife went through the NOs and I became frustrated, it was the lady at the office or porn. I chose porn and still paid dearly for it.

BTW, I never said NO to changing diapers, warming up bottles, getting up in the middle of the night to rock, hold, sooth babies even though I worked full time. I thought I was super dad!!!

We have made it to 32 years even though the NOs are still constant. What can I say?

sassysassylady 11 months ago

I can totally relate to the article. I have zero desire for sex but am crazy about my husband! truly love him and find him very sexy and handsome. Just wondering if there is something out there to help with this problem? Maybe a pill like something men take to help them in the bedroom??

Jen 11 months ago

When my man comes onto me and I don’t really feel like it, I just tell him “I’m not really feeling in the mood, but if you want to try and get me in the mood…..I’m down” What usually follows is hella good foreplay all focused on my pleasure, then he gets his too :) Win, win. Don’t take one for the team ladies, just be honest that you need some TLC, oral, whatever tings your bell in order to get in the mood. Most guys love to please if they just know what to do.

The Doc 1 year ago

some of these comments are sad sad sad. there is absolutely zero reason for a man to get married in today’s climate.

why would a man subject themselves, and limit themselves to infrequent, nonexistent, begrudging sex when you can choose to have frequent, fun, engaged sex with others that don’t consider you to be a creep/pest/chore?

to the women who openly mock their men due to their desire to have sex with their WIVES, do you truly feel that you have the only vagina on this planet? do you truly believe that if you do not choose to “bless” your husband with this gifted vessel, then he will be forced to endure the desert of celibacy (ad infinitum) until you are in the mood?

i am sometimes incredulous at how a woman’s mind considers this, or rather, fails to consider this fact… there are many many other, better looking (heck, they might be worse looking), willing women who will gladly do what you refuse to do for YOUR husband.

i leave you with an real life example to ponder. this is only one of many. i had a woman i was seeing proudly proclaim to me at one point that she does not perform oral sex…period. she found it to be “disgusting and demeaning”. i calmly pulled out my cellphone and SHOWED her the number of another girl i was also dating and asked her a simple question… “not only does this girl perform oral sex, she also LOVES to lick my a$$. who do you think is winning?” needless to say, her perspective changed drastically in an instant.

men, options are power. DO NOT GET MARRIED.

Mel 1 year ago

Yes!
God, wish my husband did the music and wine routine. Or the dancing. I was crying at the idea of dancing.
Because all I get is a silent, insistent hand pawing at me as my indication that he would like some sexy time. Usually once I’m already 1/2 to 2/3 asleep.
Its like I’m only worth touching in the dark.
And now I’m crying again.

1TerrificT 1 year ago

Creepy? Having sex with your husband? Fine.

No problem. If you find your man “creepy” just for wanting to have sex with you I’m betting some other woman he meets by chance can find him NOT “creepy”. Unless he really is a creep, and if so, why did you marry him?

Unless it is not him you find creepy, but his desire to sex you up when you don’t want to (how is he supposed know when you want it or don’t unless he approaches you first? Most of the time (as this article shows) you THINK you don’t want it, but you really should. It’s good for you.

Besides, creepy is just a word for something you’re not used to. Like the first time you eat oysters. Yech! Slimy! But after a while, “Man, oysters are my FAVORITE!”

If your attitude doesn’t change, and if you’re married now, I’ll give you until the end of this year. Unless he’s so beta he thinks he has an obligation to stay with you even if he’s starving for attention.

Tarrou 1 year ago

Listen to Ian, he’s kind of the man. I had a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with a young lady, but two years in, the sex dried up. No kids, no nothing, just died. Went from twice a day to twice a week, then a month, then a year. I gave it four years, which was three and a half longer than I should have. Tell yourself the moon needs to align with Mercury in the fourth house for you to properly be intimate with your man, and he’ll find someone less of a frigid wench.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

You can’t evolve without sex. Evolution moves by generational increments. And there is an example of a culture that evolved out of sex. They were the Shakers. They died out.

When you got married, you made a commitment that involved your loins. You either live up to that commitment, or don’t expect that other set of loins to linger.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Keep up that perspective, and you may get your wish.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

When you undertake the commitment to marry someone, and engage in permanent monogamy without infidelity, you make a couple of compromises for that security. Are you saying that we should teach our daughters not to live up to their commitments?

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Ah, no. A man increasing the amount of time spent on childcare and housework does not, statistically speaking, add to either the frequency or quality of his sex life. Sure, it’s nice – but housework doesn’t make you hot. If it did, he’d be doing dishes every night. It’s good solid Beta, but despite what women say they do not sexually reward men for housework in practice.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Less sex almost always means a less-happy couple. Sure, you have the “right” to turn down sex, but one must question the wisdom of doing so with any regularity. While there are some occasions when it is understandable to field a rejection, a man who faces three in a row in the same week is going to start thinking about spreadsheets. Yes, it would be nice if we could all only have sex when we want wanted it, and some women want it more than their husbands do, but if you want a happy marriage with a lower risk of infidelity, I would seriously reconsider your position.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

You committed to the marriage. Either find a way to make it work or cut him loose.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Take your shirt off. Tell him you need some system maintenance. A pair of melons beats anything from apple.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Tell him he needs to read A Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Buy it for him.

Ian Ironwood 1 year ago

Ladies, while I appreciate your efforts and your energies, I would remind you that while you see your husbands’ sexual needs as a bother or chore, there are a LOT of women out there who see it as a weakness in your marriage. One of the easiest ways to poach someone else’s husband is to wait for the inevitable enthusiasm for his sex life with his wife to dry up, and then provide him with a way out. While you might see his desires as just another imposition on your busy day, practically speaking it should be considered “mate guarding” of the highest order. No doubt your husbands all possess sterling character and would never cheat on you, but the unmet desire in this situation allows the temptation to be present . . . and that’s all the opening a predatory woman needs.

Think about that while you have your fingers in your ears.

Alex 1 year ago

It is an unspeakable tragedy that people have to be told about benefits of sex for them to get in the act.
You actually have to coax people with carrots like “burning calories” to do what is the most intimate and passionate act of all.
It is sad beyond grief.

Kelly 1 year ago

Awesomely written! Loved it!

James Kraft 1 year ago

I just want to sleep.

Charlotte 1 year ago

Nope. You’re not. But we’re all different, and have different needs in different stages of our lives.

Christina 1 year ago

Heather, I completely know exactly how you feel. I feel like it’s when you’re kids are under 4, I don’t know. But I know I’ve been where you are. But, one day, I looked at my husband and I thought “this man is working his ass off (he’s a firefighter working 2 jobs) for me. ME! And his kids. But all he does is wonder if it’s good enough. He worries that we won’t make the bills month to month. He buys us gifts, little trinkets at the dollar store. But it always makes us smile. He spends every moment he can with us. So, I fell in love with him again. And I say yes a LOT now. Sometimes I’m asking him! And our relationship has gotten stronger, we’re both happy, we’re both very much in love with each other, and we’ve been together for 15 years, married for 11. It was the best decision I made, and it saved our marriage. He is working 96 hours this week, and probably next week too. And we’re still happy, and strong, and we can’t wait to see each other again, and just BE together.

Ashley 1 year ago

I think what a lot of people are missing about the biggest reason to say ‘yes’ is that after feeling like a mom all day between kids, work and or pets, It is great to feel like a woman again. At the end of the day, after you have spent all day taking care of the kids and house, it’s not so bad if you take some time to spend with your husband too.

Lori Kayed 1 year ago

Been married 25 years with 2 kids. Its not about quantity more than it is about quality. It’s always been good and getting better all the time. When you have an intense emotional relationship the physical is mind blowing. When the kids were younger it was less often but he always made me feel wanted no matter what! Just love this article, very funny!!

CM Collins 1 year ago

What’s funnier than the blog itself is all the couples who’ve tagged their significant others in the feed.

Joanne Ruppel Walker 1 year ago

And one more reason to say yes, if you continue to say no, maybe at some point he might get fed up and look for it elsewhere. Remember you are his sex life and he is yours, intimacy is what makes you a couple as opposed to roommates! This goes the other way too, so stop falling asleep on the couch fellas.

Kate 1 year ago

There are dangerous implications here; I really can’t believe that so many women are supportive of this idea. We tell our young girls that “no means no” and that NO ONE should make you feel like you need to do something that you don’t want to do under ANY circumstances… except when you husband is horny, and it’s been awhile since you’ve had sex, so you should probably just suck it up and do it to keep him happy? Umm, mixed message, much?

Kate 1 year ago

Thank you!! There are dangerous implications here, I really can’t believe that so many women are supportive of this idea. We tell our young girls that “no means no” and that NO ONE should make you feel like you need to do something that you don’t want to do under ANY circumstances… except when you husband is horny, and it’s been awhile since you’ve had sex, so you should probably just suck it up and do it to keep him happy? Umm, mixed message, much?

Adina Clow 1 year ago

Lol I love this. It’s very true and made me laugh. It’s sooo me

Jake Polzin 1 year ago

Let’s make it happen :))-,lol

Stacy Hersey Buckley 1 year ago

Loved this.

Kate 1 year ago

So, the gist here is, that “No” doesn’t really mean “no”? That if you really, truly feel like you don’t want your body touched (especially in such an aggressive manner) that you should do so anyway because it *might* make you feel better in the end (but there’s also a good chance that you’ll actually feel worse afterwards because you just did something that you really didn’t want to do in the first place?) Great message. I’ll get right on that.

It would be great once, just once, to read an article that is NOT suggesting that I cater to my loins (or the loins of another.) How about, let’s find other exciting ways to make ourselves happy and feel fulfilled that don’t require another to fill us. Is anyone is this country capable of NOT thinking about sex? Let’s maybe evolve a bit, mmm kay?

MR 1 year ago

We have been married 12 years, together for 20, we have 5 super busy kids ages 2-10, 2 dogs, a cat that occasionally pees on things and 3 gerbils and we still enjoy having sex. It is not as often as we sometimes wish it was but at least a few times a month. It is the best way to feel closer and we are always glad we say yes:)

Jennifer Waters 1 year ago

I don’t understand this negativity towards intimacy. It’s sad and unhealthy. Sex in all it’s forms is fantastic with the right partner. Trust, selflessness, adoration, communication and respect are important to a satisfying and healthy sex life. I’ve been with my hubby for 19 years and we still can’t get enough of each other! It brings us closer physically, emotionally and overall adds to a happier more fulfilling life. And yes we have three young kids.

Cindy Miller 1 year ago

This is a great read, not too far from reality, but at 55…..I’m still not totally convinced…but we’ve only been married 34 years…..there may still be hope! lol!

Pam Bains-Maki 1 year ago

Hmmm…not sure I’m convinced?!?

bob donovan 1 year ago

you hit it on the head, when you said that a man will eventually quit asking for it, as it is too painful to face rejection and defeat over and over, thats what happened to my marriage and it is over now, good insite from you,,,,no one wants to walk in to rejection over and over and over

Lynn Ongenae 1 year ago

Whatever

Me 1 year ago

Am I the only one who is more likely to be the one doing the leering, seducing and/or bribing than to be the one turning it down? My husband complains all the time that he’s gained X pounds since we got married, or is tired, or….whatever. I would jump him every night in a heartbeat, because I just can’t get enough of the man!

Denise Lacy 1 year ago

What is this word “no”?

Pam Gilby 1 year ago

Hilarious !!!!

Nicole Slaughter 1 year ago

i HATE sex… wish i never had to do it again!!!! NEVER!!!

Serina Nations 1 year ago

Say YES every night! <3

Jennifer Stazzoni Yochum 1 year ago

This is hilarious!! One of the best ones yet.

Jack 1 year ago

This is why there are so many divorces and affairs going on.

Nicole Coiner 1 year ago

My husband didn’t find it funny either. Those 2 really need to get a sense of humor.

Jennifer Clark Jones 1 year ago

I have been married for 12 years and I still love sex with my husband. :)

Catherine 1 year ago

And I should note that I do say yes because my husband is working hard right beside me, getting kids situated for bed, reading stories, getting glasses of water for the 100th time. But I know this isn’t the case for everyone. If my husband didn’t help so much, well then- not so sure a yes would come out of my mouth.

Kathleen Kaufman 1 year ago

Why not say no? For the simple reason that you don’t want to. Not ever, but in that moment, you really want to take your ice cream and decompress from your stressful day and stressful night in front of a junky TV show and just be alone for a minute. Isn’t that okay too? I obviously don’t know all the details of this story, I don’t know if the husband in this scenario was right there in the trenches with you, putting the kids to bed, cleaning up dinner, baths, etc… But assuming that you were doing all the work while he watched TV, read a book, played a video game, etc…. Why not say no? You just spent all day and night giving your full attention to your children, only to finally find a minute and be confronted with another person who needs your full attention.

You said at one point ‘don’t fake it- make him work for it’ In my opinion, this working for it should start wayyy before the glasses of wine and the Al Green come out. Work for my affection by helping me with the kids, doing a load of laundry, cleaning the dishes – giving me an hour to decompress with whatever activity helps me to clear my mind and feel human again. Then I’ll gladly say yes.

Catherine 1 year ago

Before walking down the aisle and becoming a married woman my grandmother pulled me aside. She told me to never say no…. “Never say no to what?” I asked- completely confused, young and naive. My grandmother told me to never say to my husband when he wants to be intimate (unless you are truly ill). She said nothing will hurt a mans self esteem worse and ultimately it will drive him away. 10 years later of marriage and those words still echo in my mind. Our sex life is great- always has been. Even when I’m tired after chasing our 4 young kids around, doing work, cleaning and cooking I still say yes. My husband needs 3 things; food, sleep and sex…. When he’s good on all three we both are happy.

Sandra Graham 1 year ago

This made me laugh but my situation is completely opposite my hubby is the one in the “no” area of things. Kendall Hallett

mamasleepy 1 year ago

This post? This one had me laughing out loud. Literally. And that doesn’t happen very often when I’m reading stuff I like. Very well written and spot-the-f*ck-on. Thank You!!

Emily 1 year ago

Exactly, Lisa.

Emily 1 year ago

I understand where you’re coming from – I do – but these types of blog posts just further perpetuate the stereotype that all men want sex and all women are tired of men wanting sex (this is not always the case, I promise you). It also perpetuates the lie that spouses can’t be honest in their marriage in ALL things, including sex, and when they do and don’t want to have it, without hurting feelings or causing fights. Marriage should be about mutual respect – respecting the needs and wishes of your partner and vice versa, regardless of if it goes against your own selfishness (i.e. “I really want to have sex tonight but my spouse doesn’t, ugh”). Worse than that, you are essentially telling other women (some of which are most certainly dealing with entirely different situations than yours, possibly unhealthy relationships or even abusive) that they should say yes to sex EVEN WHEN they do not want to. It’s hard to sum up in words how incredibly harmful this can be.

Ashley 1 year ago

Is anybody else giggling like a middle schooler at the term “making whoopee”? My marriage got a lot better when I decided not to turn down my husband for sex. I ended up remembering that I actually like it, and him, a lot! I do however, still reserve and use the lure of a bj to barter for special favors that require extra effort from him like digging up my greatly expanded garden plot 😀

Jonny N Roxy Smith 1 year ago

Thanks so much my husband tagged me in this. #bitch

Heather 1 year ago

I’m with you kera. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. I have two children. But I don’t play games I’m my house. When ib day go to need that’s the end of that. I don’t hear anything else until morning. I start training at 8 months. As far as my husband. I have told him no 1 time in 5 years. And really I didn’t say no. He didn’t ask I s terribly sick bit that is the only time I would have said no.

Morgaim 1 year ago

I dug this a lot. But, honestly, I know more women who complain about a lack of sex in their relationship than I do men. Have a sex, people!

Megan Collison Primavera 1 year ago

Genius!

Katie 1 year ago

I considered that it could be a medical issue, but that’s really cold comfort when he refuses to go to a doctor to get it checked out and it continues to be a problem. This is especially true when you have discussed it with him, and he promised you he would go to a doctor and then never followed through. After 4.5 years of rarely having sex, I gave up and moved on. We weren’t married and I have never been so thankful that we never took that step because it would have been a mistake.

Lauren Weber 1 year ago

HAHAHA the storyline cracks me up!! Seriously though – can us women stop freaking out our men by letting them believe this is true for all? What I realized a long time ago is that usually is has nothing to do with being tired…it’s that you can’t get your head out of “kid mode.” You’re still thinking about the fact that your son just threw his shoe are your head and your daughter pulled apart her favorite book in a hissy fit and blamed you for making her angry enough to do it. On stressful days…you need to learn to let go and then you’ll feel more like yourself and you’ll WANT to say yes to him. Guys don’t understand that because they let things go within 4 seconds…women think too much. Just relax ladies!

Andrea Benoit 1 year ago

Oh and also, for the proponents of this article, maybe you’d be more up for sex if he pulled his weight more in the housekeeping and childrearing department. Just saying!

Andrea Benoit 1 year ago

Blah blah blah, pleasing men bullshit. My husband has the libido of a rock…actually less than that, because even a rock can get hard. Guess who hears no all the time? Not him, that’s for sure. Can we please just ditch this “women are never horny and men have to beg for sex” crap? This isn’t the dark ages, I am not a man’s property, and I have respect for my body AND his.

Vicki Mena 1 year ago

Thank you!! :)

Maria 1 year ago

Wine…music…my hubby grabs my boobs and says yeah yeah yeah in a weird voice and im suppose to drop my pants…lol. all about having some game..2 kids 2 & 3 and 1 on the way..proof I do say yes..sometimes

Sherry Sembera Malone 1 year ago

He doesn’t even have to put on music or wink, I’m already there! We’ve been together going on 10 yrs and have 4 kiddos and we still love making love to each other! The article is so true, so many benefits!! :)

Vicki Mena 1 year ago

I miss sex. I’m 8 months pregnant and high risk. Wish I could enjoy my husband!! I miss him! :-(

China 1 year ago

You must not have a lot of kids. Or always have you time.

Mindy Rao 1 year ago

TMI alert: My husband and I have made a promise to have sex every day since our wedding and we have kept that promise. After not too long, we both began looking forward to it and it has bonded us closer together. We have jokingly called it the “streak” and it’s been solid since January 1, 2013. :-)

Andrew Jenkins 1 year ago

Sex relax u and relieves a lot of stress from work or like n general

Alyssa King 1 year ago

Good article, but the difference between the husband in this article and the spreadsheet jerk is I never saw any evidence of an attempt at romanticism with spreadsheet guy. At least this husband had wine, candles and wanted to dance. It takes a lot more than, “you ready for this?” when you’ve had a little person hanging off your boob all day.

Tania McCreanor 1 year ago

I saw a thing about a couple who promised each other 356 days of sex. This in itself sounds a little overwhelming but at the end they were interviewed and they were asked how they feel about each other now, and their response was that they found that they were happier in themselves and had never felt closer as a couple. I’ve also discovered the same with my husband, we don’t do the every day of the year thing but I don’t say no anymore and the next day he is always in a good mood and so am I which works out for everyone in the end right? Plus we talk more about what we like and dislike and quality has improved significantly! 😉

Lisa Waite Mua 1 year ago

or how about you just have sex when you both want to instead of feeling that you have to? do you know what makes you miserable? giving sex to someone because you feel should or are pressured in to it. every one has different sex drives and every one man or woman has the right to say no to their partner for what ever reason. every ones different and will be happy with different amounts, there is no quota to fill, more sex does nt always mean happier couple its about balance and respect.

Jacci Zellers 1 year ago

Loved it.

Angie Taylor 1 year ago

Awesome!

Tess 1 year ago

Heather, nail on the head moment. I have 3 boys, 9 months, 6 and 13 so all with different needs. I also work evenings as a receptionist at a large hotel, so from 6 am to 11 pm I basically deal with the needs and demands, often unreasonable, of others. Love my husband to the moon and back and enjoy sex. But sometimes I just want to sit in a blacked out room with my fingers in my ears.

Joy Copeland 1 year ago

Hahaha! So funny!

Kelsey Parrish 1 year ago

Lmao

“He thinks you’re beautiful. Even when you are irrational or difficult (which is never).”

I laughed and laughed at this and this:

“So I’m here to say this: sometimes it’s okay to fake it until you make it. (Except don’t fake IT. Make him work for that shit.)”

Great stuff!!

Brittani Jorgensen 1 year ago

Lol this was cute.

Brittany 1 year ago

I had no idea so many women didn’t want to have sex. Unless I am sick I would vhoose the boning over almost anything else. Bonus points for kitchen sex followed by mutual icecream

Nicole Danielle Burghy 1 year ago

I LOVE this!

Samantha Reyes 1 year ago

Hahaha YES!!!!

Jarred Cunningham 1 year ago

Yeeeeees!

Jennifer Osso 1 year ago

Having a baby on my boob all day is killing my sex drive. However I try to say yes most if the time, but it sure the hell isn’t every night. I don’t think he even has the energy for EVERY night. He’s 44 now and twice a week and he’s a happy man :)

Amber McCormick 1 year ago

Love it

Tami VanDyke 1 year ago

Brilliant – say yes

Courtney Salmon Kennedy 1 year ago

I’m jealous of their energy and drive. I’m exhausted. All. The. Time. 18 years of marriage, two kids (9 years apart), but guess what? My hubby understands. He knows he’ll get some, and he knows what works :)

Courtney Salmon Kennedy 1 year ago

I wish I could like this post 100 times.

Jessica Barney 1 year ago

Most beautiful and touching article I’ve read in a long time. I loved it. It really hit close to home. I have been married for what seems like an eternity. I have three kids, two dogs, I am a runner, college student and stay at home mom. At the end of my day I feel drained and feel like I have nothing left to give. I just want five minutes for myself. This article reminded me of how Marriage is about investing time in the relationship, giving time and energy to keep the connection close. :) Thank you for reminding me about how important it is to keep the passion alive in marriage. Otherwise you could lose yourself in your busy day and before you know it you don’t know how to be with each other.

Kath Masch 1 year ago

Gold!

Kristy Bridges-Ward 1 year ago

Oh my gosh this made me laugh out loud!

Jodie Loudin 1 year ago

I have a headache condition (not kidding) and sex makes my head hurt so bad I want to die. How often am I expected to torture myself (literally) so he can get his. I don’t enjoy any of it because I know I’ll be in horrendous pain for hours at least, if not days. What would you do?

Wendy Roe 1 year ago

If my hubby played music and offered wine I couldn’t turn him down 😉

Pam Wiggins 1 year ago

Funny.

Kimberly Lynn 1 year ago

Hilarious.

Elisha McLaren 1 year ago

I hav 4 kids all under 6years old… IAM TIRED.. I love the shit outta my hubby he still gets me going it just might only b 3 times a week… But i also need time for myself without keeping every1 happy! So difficult 2 find a balance but i guess as they grow we can get back 2 everyday HOPEFULLY coz he is damn sexy lol

Tanstaafl2 1 year ago

Forwarding to DW now

Stephanie Barnhart 1 year ago

I love scary mommy! Omg every time i read an article i laugh so hard with tears n my eyes! So true!

Rachel Johnson 1 year ago

I loved this article! I can totally relate.

Hailey De La Maire 1 year ago

So strange to me so many people feel they’re somehow “better” or really impressive because they’ve “never said no”. Well good for you for having the libido of a bunny rabbit.

Rubi Rod 1 year ago

Ha! I never say no but my twins are just 8 months. We’ll see in a year.

Shannon Moore 1 year ago

i did it in the afternoon, i’m good thanks lol

Jaime Holmes 1 year ago

People don’t get busy? Lol!

Heather 1 year ago

Awesome post! I love the rest of your blog too. Overuse of “no” isn’t exactly a problem for us but it’s been a while (ty baby and life). So, inspired by you, I sent Mr. Husband a text with some suggestions about what we could do once escape velocity from the toddler was achieved. HE’s too tired tonight but I totally got points, a happy man and a little extra closeness.. he wants to share the icecream now and I’ll probably let him. Thanks for the idea!

mama 1 year ago

This is actually mildly offensive. Not for women, but for men. Not all men are ready and after it all the time. Dare I even say most fathers, especially involved fathers, are not acting like see crazed teens.

It takes two to tango (or more or less if that’s your thing, but I digress and will stay b on topic). Both partners are equally responsible for fanning the flame. Everyone should try a little more, and deny a bit less.

Jen 1 year ago

I go through this same process every night. He is ALWAYS in the mood and like most moms here I just feel so depleted by the time my bedtime rolls around (not to mention I’m pregnant with 5 more weeks left to go, so, I just feel sooooo unsexy and uncomfortable). But, it’s true I feel like he keeps track of the no’s (he doesn’t…it’s just my own guilt) and I’m so afraid that we’ll grow apart if I always say no. But, most of the time, when I say yes I find the best part of the yes is #4. We do feel more connected and I love that feeling. So, while it’s uncomfortable right now I will try to remember this article and say yes more often. Thanks for posting this!

SLJ 1 year ago

My husband has turned me down. Before my tubal reversal was done, aka we could screw like bunnies and I would never get pregnant, I wanted it 2-3 times a day. When he moved in, the sex went down. It sucks to be turned down, only to find out your husband rubbed one out to porn. It not only sucks, it fucking HURTS. It hurts to know that he will turn down sex with me, the wife who gives him the best sex he says he has ever had (his words, not mine), just to rub one out to porn b/c “it’s easier”.

Now that I’ve had my tubal reversal, it’s “easier” to not have sex. We had 1 kid together, and including my 3 from my previous marriage, that is plenty for me.

Don’t tell me I am beautiful, all you ever wanted, give you the best sex ever, just to fucking turn me down.

So for all other fellow scary mommies who get turned down, I feel your pain. *HUGS*

Leigh Ruocco 1 year ago

I love having sex with my husband! And honestly, I never say no. Why?! You have to keep your husband happy (and he has to keep you happy) in the end you will both be happy. And you stay connected! It’s true…tired, schmired, save the excuses!

Lori Voss 1 year ago

Pay it forward!

Tina Gillotti Stys 1 year ago

Who the hell says no? Ready now! Now music or frills required.

Savi 1 year ago

This!^^ I have a 1 year old climbing all over me and whining to be held all day! When bedtime rolls around I just want to be left the fuck alone! I love him,and I enjoy sex but “quickie” does not seem to be in his vocabulary and it really is a daunting task sometimes. He especially didn’t get this when I was breastfeeding and LO had been cluster feeding…get the HELL away from my boobs, those are NOT FOR YOU!

Julie Bugner Noskowicz 1 year ago

I was willing to give it a go tonight. But he’s much more interested in the iPad. Maybe tomorrow.

RealMMOMof3 1 year ago

I would love for my husband to do a bit more effort than simply a longing look and rubbing on my while spooning… seriously.. A bit of effort goes a long way!!! After 20 years together, 15 years of marriage and 3 kids from 11 to 3 in age… good lord the slightest bit of effort is all it would take!

Kate Woods 1 year ago

There are worse things then having sex with your husband.

Barbara Titefsky Petersen 1 year ago

Good one for all t he new moms out there :-)

Erica Ricci 1 year ago

Wine, candlelight and music??? A for effort buddy, that never happens here :p

Vanessa 1 year ago

Seriously, who are y’all that say no to your husbands every night?! And why?!

Sandra Schnichels Schutte 1 year ago

Geezeees..I think I will!

Mandy Treadway Scherer 1 year ago

If my husband played music and came around the corner with wine I would never say no. Where is this scene?! But I rarely say no. Its too much fun.

emily 1 year ago

Are you fucking kidding me! I wish my husband put half as much effort into having sex with me. Instead im the once asking almost daily and he is the one saying no. Im about to make a fucking spread sheet of all his excuses. Am i the only woman in the world that enjoys sex? If a man tried this hard to fuck me i would never say no!

Crystal Dawn Jones 1 year ago

I agree!! Even if at first you literally have to plan time on a schedule or calender to have sex. In doing that, you will think about more, prepare for it, inevitably making you want it more and excited for it. I am a stay at home(schooling) mom of 3 kids and my husband works really hard and sometimes even both of us are just too tired, but I (we) make that a priority in our marriage because it should be.

Em Santes 1 year ago

Been with my husband for 12 yrs married for 8 … we have 5 children together. . And I can honestly say its still as good as day one…. it is BEYOND me why or how women say no on a consistent basis.. and the ones who use it as a weapon. . Gross. . U women stink.. stop it!! Its supposed to be fun

Kristen Keeler 1 year ago

Way to go on this one!!!! I laughed so hard At the end that I coughed and now I have a sore throat!!!
Ps, read it a loud to the hubby as we laid in bed!! Thank you for a great shared laugh tonight (after getting kids down, wink)

Katie Millford 1 year ago

This made me giggle! :) but Def noted!

jessica 1 year ago

Soo needed this! Great Post!

HogsAteMySister 1 year ago

That will never happen. Trust me.

Maggie Rose 1 year ago

hahahahahahaha I love this!!!!!

Terry Mckeon 1 year ago

All good reasons to say yes

Marci Melton 1 year ago

And you gain a few perks from going ahead and letting go and just doing it.

Denise Apodaca-Rosenberg 1 year ago

Have you read this Ashli !!! Lol

HogsAteMySister 1 year ago

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I am speaking for every husband in the world.

Marci Melton 1 year ago

I agree. I believe that the more sex you have the more you want it because you seem to forget in the long intervals without,how good it feels and makes you feel about each other and you spend more time and energy avoiding it than it would take to just do it and you would probably like it if you could avoid the resentful feeling that you are just doing it for him.

Heather Berry 1 year ago

Been married almost 6 years, together for 9. I dont know why anyone would say no!! 😉

Jennifer Rushing 1 year ago

The last bit is the best part!!!!

Desperate times 1 year ago

Sometimes, it really is the man who says no. Maybe I should give HIM this article.

Jacquelyn Cierra Festa 1 year ago

Lol!!!

Christi Poor 1 year ago

Have any of the ladies getting turned down ever thought it could be due to medical reasons??? Your hubby or ex hubby very well could have a prostate problem.

Heather 1 year ago

It isn’t about enjoying having sex with your husband. I enjoy having sex with my husband when we do it. But I also really really enjoy being not touched for like 5 fucking minutes already. We’ve been together for 9 years and married 6 as well. We also have two kids, three cats, and a dog. Between everything that wants/needs me throughout the day, sometimes (often, most of the time?) I don’t have enough left of me to give. I’ve been taken. All that I have to give has been given for that day. And sometimes I say yes when I don’t want to, and I enjoy the sex, but I am still left feeling WAY over-touched and depleted, because I have given everything of myself and received so little back.

Valerie Ann 1 year ago

Awesome last line! :) (my hubby is next to me grumbling that’s wrong so I need to go say yes)

hollie 1 year ago

I have the best husband. Even when on my period we do things. Hes too sexy to let him go to waste!

Sara Ross 1 year ago

Great article!

Kristen Dacey 1 year ago

This was perfection!!! Just liked the author’s page on Facebook…can’t wait to read more from her!

Manda Arnold-Moore 1 year ago

Haha… Eh

Roxanne Deanfield 1 year ago

Im sorry but if my partner came in with wine and candle light with music playing I would she yes (wouldnt even think the word no) as thats just really sweet.

Attie Lordan 1 year ago

Ah good for a laugh reading some of these.

Josie Hernandez 1 year ago

I have smaller kids, 11, 8, and two 5 year olds. We do it during the day too. Just got to give them some fruit snacks, put a movie on, lock your door, and cover my face with a pillow so the noise level stays down lol. Quickies are great too!

SammichesPsychMeds 1 year ago

This is clever and made me smile :) I’m suffering from constant pregnancy-induced horniness right now, so I’m a little concerned HE’S the one who’s gonna start saying no if I keep this up.

Crystal Dawn Jones 1 year ago

This was really cute, but I read the article about the husband and his spread sheet and although I don’t agree with his tactic, my first thought was how long had it been a problem before he resorted to it and actually began keeping record. 3 times in 7 weeks (I guess unless there is some sort of medical condition) is just not okay, there are or will be problems in the relationship eventually. Men do need sex more than women. Period. But they do NEED it and often times for more than just getting off. Being constantly rejected by their own wife who is the only person that they can go to for those needs (and should be) eventually they will have enough. JS

Melissa Moss 1 year ago

That was hilarious!

Mellisa Wells Wilson 1 year ago

Too funny

Jess Hellige 1 year ago

Hmm it’s the other way around here. He says no..:( it’s been a month.

Jenny 1 year ago

Divorced mom here…highly recommending that you say “Yes” more often. Not that I wish I still had my ex asking me (no thanks, that’s a lot of work for three pumps and an apology) but there are nights I miss having a willing partner who loves me despite all of my flaws.

And to those asking “REALLY??? Who says “no”??”…knock it off. Seriously.

Rick Hearn 1 year ago

I hope my wife reads this story!

Jenni Keeler 1 year ago

Must be lol or good sleepers… Unlike my kids. Eventually it’ll all work out… Just not every day any time soon lol

Carrissa McAtee 1 year ago

I love this writer! She reads my mind!!!

Bryanna Ward Lemanski 1 year ago

Took advantage of his morning excitement this morning. He is working tonight:(

Jenni Keeler 1 year ago

Sex every day? Do people with small children actually have time for this? No isn’t a thought that crosses my mind when we finally find the time.

Ronnie Rackley 1 year ago

YEEEEESSSSSS!!!

Stephanie Lynn Larsen 1 year ago

Never understood the too tired for sex but great article…but I have also never had issues getting kiddos to bed…routine and consistency..it works, I promise. :)

Sarah Fritz-Maldonado 1 year ago

Lol I think our roles are reversed I’m on week 23 no booty with another 17 weeks + 6 for recovery… My husband stays 10 feet away when I’m pregnant.. I think he thinks he’ll poke the baby (lmfao yea right) or get me pregnant again (not possible at this stage) lol sigh… Still a good read & hilarious comments

Betsy Argentieri 1 year ago

“To rest up for another day of killing you slowing” lolololol and my husband works 3rd shift, so it’s just me and Ben and Jerry’s tonight, but thanks for the suggestion!

Tonya Zulewski 1 year ago

Who says no!? I’ll take what I can get!

Meaghan Caston 1 year ago

Coincidence?

Meaghan Caston 1 year ago

Love this. Except it was always the other way round. And we aren’t together now

Nicole Coiner 1 year ago

I’m constipated and irritable. My husband can fuck himself tonight.

motheroftoddlerfromhell 1 year ago

Lol! Truth so needed to read this tonight going to say yes!

Amber Nicole 1 year ago

That was the plan last night on date night… Until I fell into a giant pothole and sprained my ankle. Not even kidding. Sigh.

Jen Chabot Brouillard 1 year ago

I’m just going with “yes” because I want to kick labor into gear. 😛

Deidre Anderson 1 year ago

You know what’s WAY better than music and wine? When my husband does the bedtime routine, including the endless call backs!

Stefanie Benson 1 year ago

Love this!

Brandy Garza 1 year ago

Lol!! Love this

Rhiannan Green Caraway 1 year ago

No..no..and more no. No thank you lol

Aleida Diaz 1 year ago

That’s creepy. Just the title is saying have sex even if you don’t want to. Wtf?

Janet Powell 1 year ago

I say yes everytime he doesnt do the aggressing hahaha

Amy Brown Choyke 1 year ago

That husband gets an “A” for effort. As the kids get older, it really does get better. I promise!

Katy Beam 1 year ago

Thank you for putting in to words my exact struggle. :) My husband also rocks the jeans & white undershirt.

Carol Smith Capper 1 year ago

sigh. thanks for this…

Kimberly Law 1 year ago

So accurate!

Christine McCarthy 1 year ago

Preach! Best.Post.Ever.!

Kera Marie Reidy 1 year ago

Am I the only wife who actually enjoys having sex with her husband? And I’ve been married for 6 years…

Susan Dylka 1 year ago

Who would ever want to say no?!

Kelcey Roberts 1 year ago

Loved this!

Jenn Galbraith 1 year ago

I said yes 3 nights ago. Still sore. lol.