Alison Lee
Latest posts by Alison Lee (see all)
- Not My Mother’s Daughter - March 27, 2013
- Never The Same Again - March 2, 2013
- What to Expect From Motherhood - December 6, 2012
As far as parenting journeys go, mine is still in its toddler stages, literally and metaphorically – three years and counting. I know I have many more years ahead of me, where I will undoubtedly learn more than I ever bargained for. However, even in three short years of imperfect parenting, these 10 truths keep coming back to me…
1. You will feel guilty. No matter what you choose to do – breastfeed or bottle feed, sleep train or not, go back to work or stay at home – you will feel guilty a lot of the time. You will question your choices, because other people will, whether out loud or in their minds, which will in turn, make you feel guilty. I’ve learned to accept my choices, whether they’re ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, they are the choices made for the good of my children, for our family. Guilt comes with the territory, I get that now.
2. You will get angry. Anger – a dangerous, terrible emotion, especially when it’s directed at your children, your spouse, and yourself. You will also find that you may get mad at complete strangers, such as that impatient driver who cut you off. Or the lady in front of you at the checkout counter at the grocery store, for moving too slowly. Personally, when I find myself on a short fuse, it’s because I’m tired. Fatigue does not do you favors. I can’t give you advice on how to squeeze in more down time or sleep, I can only tell you that you should.
3. You will feel incompetent. When I had Monkey, I felt like a bumbling idiot all the time, and half-expected someone to come knocking on my door to tell me to give my son back, because I was doing such a terrible job as his mother. Three years in, I know I’m not terrible. But I have moments of perceived incompetence. No matter how many pats on the back I give myself, I still feel this way.
4. You will get competitive. When you have friends and relatives who have children of the same age, forget trying to avoid competitiveness. Yes, you may say, but I don’t brag! However, you’re silently pleased when you find out your daughter walked way before your best friend’s son, or that your boy scored higher on his English test than your best friend’s child. It’s inevitable.
5. You will be resentful (sometimes.) If I said I don’t think about my time pre-children, and how carefree and fun it was then, I’d be lying. I’d also be lying if I said I am absolutely 100% not resentful. Sometimes, I am. I resent that I have little time to myself. I resent that I have barely slept since 2009. Sometimes. Just sometimes. I do not however, regret having children.
6. You will be joyful. I do not regret having children – how could I? Everyday, they make me joyful. Even through the challenges, there is much to be happy for. The smiles, the hugs, the hand holding, just being with each other, being family – pure joy.
7. You will be more appreciative. When you become a parent, you appreciate your parents more (hands up, if you’ve thought about calling your mom to apologize, and thank her) . You appreciate your spouse more. You appreciate yourself more. You appreciate the extra 10 minutes you get, any time of the day. You appreciate coffee a lot more. If you’re a parent, you’ll know what I mean.
8. You will be wiser. You will learn to pick your battles. You will learn when to give up, and when not to. You will learn that love is deep. You will learn that fears abound in every corner and there is nary you can do about it. You will learn that your heart is so much bigger than you thought possible. You will learn that you have it in you to fight for your children.
9. You will be humbled. Parenting is a truly humbling experience. I thought I knew it all, could do it all. I know now, that I don’t and I can’t, and it’s okay.
10. You will be loved. My children’s love is pure. When I look into their eyes, when they put their chubby hands around mine, all there is, is love. And that is all.
{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
Yep. It’s all true. The weirdest part is the ‘incompetent’ feeling that coexists with the ‘wise’ feeling. It seems like they should be mutually exclusive, doesn’t it?
=)
Kristen Mae recently posted..To the Parents of the Kids I Chaperoned at the Zoo…
It’s like living two lives in parallel – some days, I think I am so rocking this, the next, I’m feeling like an utter muppet. :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Great list, I can relate to pretty much all of it. The resentful part is the hardest. The anger you might feel and the inability to show it for fear of appearing unmotherly and ungrateful for you family.
Theresa recently posted..Wednesday Words of Wisdom/Wordless Wednesday: “Choices” for girls and boys…
Thanks Theresa.
Yes, the anger. So many don’t talk about it for fear of being judged. And it gets repressed. Which means it gets worse. Sigh.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
My baby is now 13, my oldest has his own baby now and I still feel incompetent and guilty. Guilty that my oldest made a baby with a girl who was toxic to him and herself and this baby was the best thing about the whole relationship. Guilty because I had hoped to scare him away from sex without marriage and being tied to someone you can’t love. But the baby, is the one thing that saved my son’s life. When we lost my mom and his world seemed to just be falling in this child came when my son needed to be loved unconditionally, smiled at because he entered a room , and feel as if one thing in his life, though under less than ideal circumstances, has meant something. Guess what as a grandma none of the above goes away either.
Southern Angel recently posted..What’s in your purse??fanny pack?? wallet.. Monday Listicles
Thank you for sharing your story. This mothering thing, it’s not for the weak, is it?
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
This list is absolutely perfect.
Observacious recently posted..Teach kids Internet security before the sex talk says Google Chairman Eric Schmidt
Thank you!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
The anger… I was already a short fuse, and then having a child, then getting pregnant 9 months later… and now pregnant with no. 3 when the first two are under 4 years old… I have found that when I feel like i’m getting snappish I’ll stop and just yell. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH kind of thing. The kids think it’s hilarious and they’ll join in, and then all three of us are in the middle of the living room yelling, and then all the frustration turns to hilarity, because it’s so ridiculous.
Humor is a great diffuser! Good luck with #3, Angela!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I can honestly say I have NEVER been resentful towards my child (15mths) at any time. There was a scene on HIMYM a few weeks ago where Lily was saying that sometimes she just wants to run away. I cant understand that. Maybe its because I had to work so hard to get pregnant in the first place. I dont know. But definitely I have a ton of resentment towards the hubby, mostly for not helping me around the house more or for not making enough money so I could stay home. But never once towards my son have I ever been resentful. Now guilt thats definitely another story…. guilt is the absolute worst part of parenthood. I cannot seem to escape it. I feel guilty over every choice we make. It causes me tons of anxiety and now I have panic attacks. So yeah… guilt is not my friend.
That sounds normal….just wait until your little sweet pea is 15!!!
Guilt is a heavy one for all of us. I hope you find a way to get around it – motherhood is hard enough!
I’ve never been resentful towards my children – just my situation where I feel like I’m doing all the things and I don’t get time off etc. Never towards my kids.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I still struggle with # 6 & 7, but generally agree with most of this, especially #1.
Me too..I’ve learned to force it. Eventually, it will come naturally. I started doing it when I realized my kids were miserable too. It was a horrible day..everything was going wrong. Not just the day, but my entire life. So..I turned on some music..and we danced. We just danced and danced. For the first time, in a lonnng time, I fell in love with my kids. The joy in their eyes..the pure happiness. Even though it was just for a moment, I felt joy. And I was so appreciative for that and for them
Maura, it’s not everyday that we find joy and appreciation – mothering is HARD. I hope you do though, by looking at all the small moments, by looking at the children who you love deeply.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Good lord, the guilt!
ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted..Losing your shit…and then finding it.
Like, can we take a break from that already? right?
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
This is really wonderful! My “baby” is 18… so I could add a ton of stuff. But I’d rather wait and see how you write it in a few short years. (Yeah — I know it’s more than a decade. But it is amazing how fast it goes. And how wise you get.)
Keep writing. You are a pleasure to read.
rutimizrachi recently posted..Mothers United to Save a Boy
Thank you so much!
I definitely will add on to the list – I know there is so much more out there. Sort of scared but excited. :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Aaagggggghhhh. . .that guilt! Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who feels guilty all the time.
Shannon recently posted..Why are they crooked?
Shannon, you’re in no way alone with the guilt. It’s all of us. ALL. OF. Us.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
True.
And you will wonder what the heck you ever did with your time before you had kids.
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted..I Do Not Look Like Mater
Hah! Very true, Leanne. I remember when I used to say I was ‘busy’. I did not know what busy meant, obviously.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
What about when you used to think you were tired??? Hahahahaha
Hahahaha, yeah. Being a zombie for the entire first year pretty much cleared up that misunderstanding for me.
OMG, I know, right?? Clueless.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
So true! I think I feel all 10 of these every single day at some point in the day. But my kids love me nonetheless (for now). They have the rest of their lives to figure out how badly I messed them up.
Falon recently posted..What the Nutella You Talking About?
I’m pretty sure you didn’t mess them up. :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
This is absolutely perfect! Thank you!
Thank you Robin!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
This is such a great post and so true. It’s been 22 years since I slept like a normal human being. No matter their age, they are always your babies. And always keep you on your toes!
Crystal recently posted..Maybe One Head is Better…
22 years? Crystal, I was hoping to be able to sleep again in like, 5 years. Guess not. :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I struggle so much with the anger and resentment. Sadly, those are more than just occasional emotions for me.
Callie, know that you’re not alone. I hope you can reach out for help and support. You DON’T have to be alone!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Yes, to everything. The guilt especially. Thank God there is the love.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Green Salad with Broccoli and Sardines or Kicking Winter Depression’s Ass
I don’t think I’d survive without the love.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Oohh… Numbers 3, 4, and 5 fit me.perfectly! Incompetent, yes. My first and only baby thus far will turn 6 months old in a few days. When I was planning to return to work, I picked out breastpump. My insurance company would pay for the PISA but I had to choose whether I wanted the tote or the backpack. I stood at the store for at least 15 minutes like a drooling idiot and couldn’t decide. It’s not a life-altering decision. Same with sippy cups yesterday. I was trying to pick one out in the store and there are literally hundreds of styles. Again, not a life-altering decision. So, just as I was about to cry for an adult another mom came over and gave me some great advice. I can make major decisions okay, but smaller ones? Forget it.
Sometimes, it is the small things that kick us in the gut, because to us, it matters, it really matters. One day at a time, Jenni. One day at a time.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I just adore this!
Thank you, Kim!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
I so needed this today, thank you! I think I ticked off all of these: guilt, anger, incompetence, resentfulness and joy and love and some of the others too. The thing that amazes me is how rage and love can coexist. I can be nutty-mad at my children for absolutely nothing just because I’ve had three hours’ sleep in a week and then the youngest (2) will come and pat me on the arm when I’m sobbing with guilt and frustration because I yelled, and everything is okay again. I’ll never know how kids and parents survive the first five years though!
Amanda Martin recently posted..Lincoln Longwools, Illness and Ikea: 2013 365 Challenge #37
The tumult of emotions we go through, just day to day, it’s amazing isn’t it? Children are so forgiving, fortunately.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
All very very true my friend. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..So I Met The President
Thank you, my friend. xoxo
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
SO wish I had this list 9 years ago… ;-) All “about to be” mothers should read this one!
Elaine recently posted..We’ve DONE Mardi Gras!
Thank you, Elaine!!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
You know what I love most about this post? That it gives the good AND the bad — but ends on the good. I can fixate on the poopy parts about parenting with the best of them, but deep down I’m such a softy for my kids, so I really loved reading 6 through 10.
Jenny recently posted..Colic, Sleep Deprivation, and the Dangers of Dogma
Thank you Jenny! That’s how I have to approach my days – I know that it’s a slog sometimes, but the days always end with the non-poopy parts, and I have to hold onto those.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Great list. I am surprised by how I feel competitive with family – like my kids vs. my nieces and nephews. My niece goes to all these dance competitions and takes a ton of classes and is only a grade older than my daughter. I regret that my daughter dances at the same studio, because my daughter isn’t as involved and it seems, perhaps, not quite as talented. Every time my SIL talks about my niece’s latest fabulous dance competition I want to scream, “My kid is a great dancer too!!!” But I don’t. Somehow. ;-)
JD Bailey @ Honest Mom recently posted..Why I’m not putting up with my nonexistent libido anymore
Nice restraint there!
I used to get compared (not always favorably) to my cousins. It wasn’t cool.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
All of it happens. So many years past babyhood, and it’s still coming in cycles. Just when I think I’ve conquered the beast, I make my way back through it again. It’s exhausting sometimes.
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..The neverending journey
It is absolutely exhausting. Which is why we need mommy only timeouts :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
It’s the mix of good/bad that says it all, here–guilt and resemtment right beside joy and wisdom–and that’s the beautiful yin and yang of motherhood! It’s a complicated, layered thing. Great post!
Kim Foster recently posted..E-Readers: Love Them Or Hate Them?
Yin yang – that is absolutely a perfect way to describe it.
Thank you!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Beautiful and pefectly stated!! My oldest will be 20 soon and I can tell you I CONTINUE to appreciate my parents as my children grow, and grow up. I’m not sure if that will ever stop. I know the exaustion only gets worse. :P
Thank you, Wendy!
I hear the teen years will really make one call their parents and say sorry :)
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Love this post, love seeing you here! xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Born to Fill, on Moonfrye
Thank you, sweetie!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Hello, I am Megha from India. I am a mother of a soon-to-be one year old baby girl and I can’t tell you how happy reading this post makes me feel. I am just so glad to know that I am not alone and almost every mother feels this way. Thank you.
Hi Megha! I’m so glad that you can relate, and this helps. Motherhood is hard, it’s always good to feel like you’re not alone. And you are not alone.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Great post! I agree on all counts:)
Bridget recently posted..Girlfriends
Thank you, Bridget!
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
All true. I definitely appreciate my coffee. :)
Mercy recently posted..The One Gift a Mother Can’t Return
Hah! I know, right?
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
Resentment is not being able to take a completely uninterrupted shower by myself since 2009.
Oh Meghan. I get it.
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
Except for the coffee part, this was spot on. I have struggled a little or a lot with each of those. It was fun to read.
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