10 Gross Things You Hope Your Kids Will Never Do (But Probably Will)


funny boy

Let’s face it, kids are gross. It’s no secret that crappy diapers, projectile spit up, and snot come along with the territory.

It’s all the other vile things small human beings do that make me want to book a tubal ligation with my gynecologist.

Unfathomable things.  Unsanitary things.  Unmentionable things.

And yet, I’m prepared to mention them here.  For the sake of anonymity, let me state that I can neither confirm, nor deny, that these acts of grossness were performed by my offspring.  Some may have been carried out  by other children.  Or not.  I can’t say.

1. Do other things with their boogers besides eat them. That little snack they’ve dug out has the right combo of chewy and salty to satisfy a preschool palette.  But did you know that boogers also make a lovely wallpaper?  Can’t find the glue?  Boogers make a fantastic (and cheap!) alternative.

2. Poop in a public pool. Ah yes, the grandaddy of embarrassment.  Even though your kid went to the potty before you got in the pool, said child decides to just shit their swimsuit rather than go to the bathroom a mere 10 feet away.  If you’re lucky, #2 is self contained and doesn’t produce a floater.  Then you can escort your towel-wrapped stinker to the bathroom, dispose of the foulness and discreetly alert the staff.  If not?  You’re looking at Def Con 5 and a full and hasty evacuation.

3. Piddle around with their anatomy. During dinner. What IS it with privates that invite investigation?  Kids will fool around with their junk, then pull their hand out to grab a baby carrot like it’s nothing.  Hopefully this habit recedes before puberty.

4. Dig out old food from the cracks in your car’s floor board and devour them. You open the door to find your toddler happily munching on something and ask to see it.   When she opens her mouth, you realize it’s the remnants from last Easter’s chocolate bunny.  It’s like she’s a homeless person!

5. Make disgusting concoctions with their food that would put a fraternity hazing week to shame. Call it Culinary Curiosity. Maybe it’s a juice suicide.  Perhaps they just want to see what happens when you dump ground beef in a tumbler of milk and guzzle it.  Haven’t you ever had the strong urge to find out how delectable apples are when smothered with ketchup?

6. Use anything besides a napkin as a napkin. Shirt sleeves, furniture, other food.  Anything is fair game!  Like cavemen, small children would rather wipe their dribble on something they need to wear all day than reach over and use a napkin.

7. Go an entire week without changing their underpants. Somehow it’s easier to just put on the old underwear after a shower rather than grabbing a fresh pair.  That’s sitting right next to their new outfit.  It’s not until laundry day when you’ve hung seven pairs of pants and put away one boxer brief that you do the math and throw up in your mouth a little.

8. Store food in their mouths longer than a bear hibernates. Apparently, it makes more sense to keep chewing on the same chunk of meat you don’t like and store it in your cheeks than to swallow it and be done.  By the time my kid finally gets around to swallowing turkey, it’s been pulverized to a puree, putting my gag reflex on high alert.

9. Your children will take a drink out of a beverage that’s past its prime. I get it, kids get thirsty.  But would it be so difficult to ask how long that sippy cup of milk has been in the backseat before taking a swig?  I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of amoebic dysentery.

10. Use something besides toilet paper as toilet paper. As they get older and gain independence, they’re going to want to wipe their own ass.  Who can blame them?  But be warned, if you’re out of toilet paper, you might as well kiss that nice hand towel goodbye.  When you’ve congratulated them on doing such a great job, be sure to avoid a High Five afterwards.  You just might find yourself the recipient of a turd slap.


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  1. 3

    Andie says

    Sadly, boys never grow out of these nasty stages. Hell, I’m surprised my husband uses toilet paper as a forty-something male, mainly because he can’t flush a toilet to save his life!

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  2. 9

    MILF Runner says

    Playdough tastes just like boogers. You could use Playdough as a sort of booger methadone.

    One of my faves is the child who can’t bring himself to flush shitty t.p. away and instead deposits it in the wastebasket.

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  3. 15

    Lindsey says

    While at boot camp in a school gym, my 1 and a half year old comes over with a mouth full of gum…when I asked him where he got it he brought me to underneath a bench against the wall!!!!!! That was pleasantly disgusting!

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  4. 23

    Hannah says

    Well my kids have taken care half the list… 1,3,4,8 and 9. The chewing the meat probably grosses me out the most, my son did that the other night until it was a chicken drink :X

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    • 27


      mine used to fingerpaint on the wall with the deposits from their diapers, another one of my boys filled the milkjug from a fisher price toy with poo, so I think there were somethings that were missed on the post, Yes, I laugh now, but not then.

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    • 31

      Patty says

      Just saw a 7 year old kid do that repeatedly tonight at gymnastics. Messed around in the FRONT of his pants, then smelled his hand. I saw him do it 3 times. Nasty. I don’t think his arms were long enough to reach his backside that way, but still so gross.

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  5. 34

    Kris says

    My daughter pee’d in her teapot and some of her other play kitchen items in order to have a tea party. I am like, why not just use water from the bathroom like a normal child. Worse, she didn’t get all the pee in the containers, leaving huge wet spots on the floor from the pee. YUCK! I have yet to get pee smell out of that room. I just got engaged, and my fiance lives in England. Before we got engaged, he came out for a month. I knew that that room stank, and I was so embarrassed to show him, as he has no kids and does not understand the gross things the do. I am not looking forward to him learning about the rest of this list, which my kids are good at doing almost all of them. What little he has been around my children has already turned him off of having kids of his own with me.

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      • 36

        Kris says

        I highly doubt it is sanitary. After telling her to stop doing it, she is 4 and telling her to stop doing something makes it much more tempting to do, I took away all of her kitchen and food pieces for about 6 months. Since giving them back, she hasn’t pee’d in them even once, knock on wood. She has had them back for about 6 months now.

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        • 37

          AmberB says

          Repeat after me…urine is sterile, urine is sterile, urine is sterile :) Currently potty training my youngest, and just today he managed to piss in his own face then aim that little sucker right at mine. We took a non-golden shower directly after!

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  6. 39

    KellyAnn says

    My daughter, aged 2, was guilty of #2 (literally) over the summer at my friend’s apartment complex’s pool. All the kids were screaming “She pooped! She pooped in the pool!” and gagging as I beat a hasty retreat with her across the parking lot to her apartment. Ironically none of them got out…

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  7. 41

    Jenny says

    I once taught my kids that if they want to know if they have bad breath, they should swipe a finger across their tongues as far back into their mouths as they can. That’s fairly gross of *me* (even if it does work), but the aftermath is that my 4-year-old often uses his finger to test other things for smell. Too. Many. Unmentionable. Things.

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  8. 43

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

    Yes, yes, and yes.

    My son also killed a blood-filled mosquito at the dinner table with the hard-shell taco that was in his hand. The blood looked like ketchup…

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