Let’s face it, kids are gross. It’s no secret that crappy diapers, projectile spit up, and snot come along with the territory.
It’s all the other vile things small human beings do that make me want to book a tubal ligation with my gynecologist.
Unfathomable things. Unsanitary things. Unmentionable things.
And yet, I’m prepared to mention them here. For the sake of anonymity, let me state that I can neither confirm, nor deny, that these acts of grossness were performed by my offspring. Some may have been carried out by other children. Or not. I can’t say.
1. Do other things with their boogers besides eat them. That little snack they’ve dug out has the right combo of chewy and salty to satisfy a preschool palette. But did you know that boogers also make a lovely wallpaper? Can’t find the glue? Boogers make a fantastic (and cheap!) alternative.
2. Poop in a public pool. Ah yes, the grandaddy of embarrassment. Even though your kid went to the potty before you got in the pool, said child decides to just shit their swimsuit rather than go to the bathroom a mere 10 feet away. If you’re lucky, #2 is self contained and doesn’t produce a floater. Then you can escort your towel-wrapped stinker to the bathroom, dispose of the foulness and discreetly alert the staff. If not? You’re looking at Def Con 5 and a full and hasty evacuation.
3. Piddle around with their anatomy. During dinner. What IS it with privates that invite investigation? Kids will fool around with their junk, then pull their hand out to grab a baby carrot like it’s nothing. Hopefully this habit recedes before puberty.
4. Dig out old food from the cracks in your car’s floor board and devour them. You open the door to find your toddler happily munching on something and ask to see it. When she opens her mouth, you realize it’s the remnants from last Easter’s chocolate bunny. It’s like she’s a homeless person!
5. Make disgusting concoctions with their food that would put a fraternity hazing week to shame. Call it Culinary Curiosity. Maybe it’s a juice suicide. Perhaps they just want to see what happens when you dump ground beef in a tumbler of milk and guzzle it. Haven’t you ever had the strong urge to find out how delectable apples are when smothered with ketchup?
6. Use anything besides a napkin as a napkin. Shirt sleeves, furniture, other food. Anything is fair game! Like cavemen, small children would rather wipe their dribble on something they need to wear all day than reach over and use a napkin.
7. Go an entire week without changing their underpants. Somehow it’s easier to just put on the old underwear after a shower rather than grabbing a fresh pair. That’s sitting right next to their new outfit. It’s not until laundry day when you’ve hung seven pairs of pants and put away one boxer brief that you do the math and throw up in your mouth a little.
8. Store food in their mouths longer than a bear hibernates. Apparently, it makes more sense to keep chewing on the same chunk of meat you don’t like and store it in your cheeks than to swallow it and be done. By the time my kid finally gets around to swallowing turkey, it’s been pulverized to a puree, putting my gag reflex on high alert.
9. Your children will take a drink out of a beverage that’s past its prime. I get it, kids get thirsty. But would it be so difficult to ask how long that sippy cup of milk has been in the backseat before taking a swig? I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of amoebic dysentery.
10. Use something besides toilet paper as toilet paper. As they get older and gain independence, they’re going to want to wipe their own ass. Who can blame them? But be warned, if you’re out of toilet paper, you might as well kiss that nice hand towel goodbye. When you’ve congratulated them on doing such a great job, be sure to avoid a High Five afterwards. You just might find yourself the recipient of a turd slap.