1. The person who thought fish made good carnival prizes. This is the ultimate slap in the face to a parent: You innocently bring your kid to a carnival, someplace you’d rather not be to begin with and are doing soley for the kids, and are forced to leave with a pet. A pet who you will have to feed, whose water you will have to change and whose body you will inevitably have to flush down the toilet. It’s bullshit.
2. The obnoxious sport parent. You know, the one who doesn’t really grasp the whole “fun” concept. The one who yells from the sidelines like a four year old and challenges the umpires. The one who acts like a bigger child than the actual children participating in the game themselves. There’s always at least one. If you’re lucky, they’ll be on the other team.
3. The rich toothfairy. A dollar a tooth was the going rate when I was a kid, and given the current economic climate, should be the going rate now. When a parent gives their kid ten bucks a tooth, it makes the rest of us look like cheapskates. Besides, should we really encourage paying big bucks for body parts? Seems like dangerous territory to me.
4. Mothers who dress their daughters like whores. Yes, in theory, a mother should be able to dress their child however they deem fit. The problem is that when you dress your child like a slut, my child wants to dress like a slut, too. Can’t we all agree to at least let our kids get to the teen years before they look like mini-hookers?
5. The teacher who taught my kid that “because” is not an answer. I would have appreciated if she’d noted that it is, indeed, an answer if it comes from the parent..
6. The Bar Mitzvah/Christening/Birthday party show-offs. When you throw your kid an obscenely over the top and perfect event, it makes normal parties look lame in comparison. Besides, the every party you throw sets the tone for the following one — who wants to compete with yourself next year?
7. Parents who don’t effectively kill lice. Has there ever been a lawsuit over this? Is three years ago too long for me to press charges? Because I’m bitter about our lice experience.
8. The party thrower who wires kids. Parents of young party goers buy presents, schelp kids over and help celebrate a birthday they don’t give two shits about. Serving cake when the party is over, giving candy goody bags and handing high-on-sugar kids back to them is hardly the thank you they deserve.
9. The parent who knowingly sends their sick kid to school. We’ve all been there. Having a sick kid is inconvenient and annoying and a complete pain in the ass, but exposing that sick kid to the rest of the class is committing the worst parenting crime. You just don’t do it.
10. The insane overachievers. Can’t we all just embrace mediocre? It’s so much easier.