10 Rules for Membership in My Mom Tribe – Scary Mommy

10 Rules for Membership in My Mom Tribe

I know you’ve probably heard moms on social media, or at the local park, talking about finding their “tribe.” They have either found their tribe, or they are looking for it.

A Mom Tribe is like a friendship bubble in which all the members have vaginas and the ability to clean snot from a moving target with nothing but a sandwich wrapper and a dream.

There are rules to our Mom Tribe which don’t ever have to be spoken. They are known deep down in our DNA and are imprinted on our skin, which has been touched and tugged on and rolled into mountains for teeny tiny cars.


Our Tribe happens as we gather over coffee to discuss the disturbing appearance of black chin hairs, trying to make our voices heard over the sounds of toddlers murdering each other, our boobs flashing as one baby after another latches and unlatches, startled by our laughter.

Here are the Ten Rules of our Tribe:

1. Our tribe, our rules. Yes, we can serve wine with the coffee cake if it’s called for. We have children hanging off of our bodies like long, whiny warts. We can do what we want.

2. We will not judge the state of one another’s homes. And upon entering each other’s kitchens, it is perfectly acceptable to scoop up someone’s hysterical baby and then start wiping down countertops and eating their food.

3. We are not shocked. By anything. Especially by a wide array of bodily afflictions. Cysts? Worms? Weird rashes? Lice? Extreme skid marks? We have heard it all. Our partners have NO IDEA.

4. During our time together, the children are secondary. They take most of our lives anyway; we need to have something that is at least partially ours.

5. Multi-tasking is key. You must be able to simultaneously talk about the experience of giving your child a suppository, breastfeed a squirming baby, and discern whether or not you need to intervene when you hear shrieks coming from the other room.

6. The one with the oldest child knows many secrets. She has been to lands that we have not, and she knows all.

7. We do not judge one another’s parenting styles. Kids are crazy. And we don’t know any kid’s brand of crazy but our own.

8. Vegas Rules. We will never have to worry about seeing each other’s partners and thinking that they know about the Fart That Was Not A Fart.


9. Nothing says “Friend” like a well-timed That has happened to me! We are here to make sure that nobody feels like a horrible mother or unstable weirdo.

10. We love our children, thus we can talk smack about them. Out of earshot, of course. Forget bragging about their accomplishments; we want to hear how your kid is just as much of an asshole as our kid.

If you have a kid, you are officially a part of the Mom Tribe. Now let’s go pour some rum into a cake mix and talk about that weird brown line that’s running down your stomach.

Related post: The Invisible Moms’ Club