10 Things I Never Thought I’d Have To Say…Until I Had Boys

I have three boys. They are pretty mellow, on the boy-energy scale, and they are pretty well-behaved, on the boy-behavior scale. They are, however, creative. And sometimes I have to wonder what is going through those little blond heads of theirs.

When I imagined motherhood, I obviously didn’t have a clue about what it would be like to raise only boys. I had no brothers and I think I imagined that the things that would come out of my mouth would mostly be wise and after-school-special-ish. Maybe we will get there, but I suspect not any time soon. For now, these are some of the things that have come out of my mouth. Each time, I have found myself thinking, “did I really just have to say that?” And so, I started keeping a running list. Here are some of my favorites:

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1. It is NEVER okay to pee into the bed of your toy truck. Self explanatory, right? Not to my then 3-year-old. I remember it vividly. It was the front-loader WOW garbage truck. I guess I have to compliment his aim. The little bucket-part isn’t very big.

2. Take your brother’s underwear off your head RIGHT NOW. You’d think the thought of wearing another person’s (ahem) “used” undies would be a natural turn-off, right? Not to that same 3-year-old.  Being goofy totally trumps hygiene.

3. Do not stick your finger anywhere near your brother’s eye ball. Ever. I honestly don’t remember which kid did this. Probably that same 3-year-old.

4. Do not eat your ear wax. That had to have been the other one. He seems Kleenex-averse. I keep wondering when that whole eating-boogers thing is going to go away. No matter how insistent I am on a) how gross it is, b) how unhealthy it is, c) the actual make-up of boogers, it just persists. I truly think it is done out of convenience. This does not give me comfort.

5. Do not throw banana peels on the ground and then attempt to slip on them. This one was actually witnessed by my husband.  I think it was an attempt by our 4-year-old (the aforementioned former-3-year-old) to recreate a Mythbusters episode. I should also mention that due to Mythbusters, my 7-year-old categorically refuses to wear jeans. Ever. Why? Because there was an episode about jeans spontaneously combusting (or something).He is quite seriously afraid if he wears jeans, he will catch on fire. No amount of discussion will convince him otherwise. Thank you, Discovery Channel, and thank you fashion-designers for all of a sudden making sweat pants hip and cool.

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6. Do not leave your toothbrush on the floor next to the toilet where you might pee on it. That firehose is a dangerous thing. So much of what I thought I would never have to say relates to it. Not much that relates to pee or penises surprises me anymore. Well, okay, maybe #9.

7. Do not put boogers in your ear. Seriously. Did I just have to say that?

8. A pretend helmet can’t actually protect your head. That’s wise, right? You gotta love the imagination of a 4-year-old. Even if it might give me a near-heart-attack from time to time. This kid goes to the beach during 90-degree weather in full fireman-costume. And wears it the whole time.

9. Do not leave cups of pee in the bathtub. Okay, so my boys apparently needed to go mid-bath and didn’t want to get out of the tub.  So, they concocted a plan. They seriously thought they were doing some sort of science experiment to see what would happen if they left it there for a few days. This occurred during our 7-months-o’-colic-with-our-third, if you are wondering why there was not more supervision. I took out the trash. I scrubbed the floor around the toilet. I cleaned the toilet. I washed the rug. I could NOT figure out why I could not eradicate the smell. Then I found the offending cups. And we had to have a talk.

10. Don’t put blackberries in your pockets. Blackberry bushes grow as weeds here in the Pacific Northwest. My oldest LOVES blackberries. He recently discovered these curious things built into his (non-denim) pants called pockets. Now he fills them with things. Like blackberries. Side-anecdote: somewhere around a month into Kindergarten last year, he decided he wanted to buy lunch for the first time. He was so enthusiastic about all the choices that when lunch was over, he stuffed his pocket with all the left-over stuff he didn’t have time to eat.  He came home with a pocket full of cherry tomatoes, snap peas, and peanuts. He was so excited to *show* us what he got for lunch.

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I’m sure the list will continue for many years, and judging by the way the third boy-child is developing, he will add his own creative twist to mischief, but this is the stuff mommy-memories are made of, right?  No seriously, right?

Related post: Your Penis Won’t Fall Off And Other Things Boys Should Know

About the writer

Danielle Anderson is a full-time mother to three boys (ages 7, 4, and 1), and a very part-time architect.  She probably used to have hobbies, but now in her spare time (ha!) enjoys obsessively photographing her children and blogging about their adventures at aaaupdate.BlogSpot.com.


Taca 2 months ago

I promise it won’t fall off if you let it go… I say this EVERYDAY.

Jessica 6 months ago

2 boys & a girl! Recently it’s been – no you cannot poop outside (in the backyard). No you cannot pee on your sister! At Dunkin Donuts – please stop licking the counter and STOP blowing kisses with the bottom of your sneaker! Those are just this past week!

Misty 6 months ago

“Don’t lick your sister.” “Don’t fart on your sister.” “We say excuse me when we burp. Not, ‘Wasn’t that AWESOME!?'” “Don’t break that. Don’t throw that.” “Don’t spit on the dog.”

TEC 6 months ago

I have three boys…….now 36, 38, and 40 …..and all married. Still have to say something every once in awhile and saying the “unimaginable” has become commonplace. Just think of all the great stories you get to tell THEIR kids someday (and I do…13 grandchildren, 2 great-grandchildren, and counting!)

Cricket 7 months ago

My son was horrible for being in things he hasn’t done it in a couple years but I swear I leave te house and come back I can still smell hints of it! He peed in a pop can once… That I took a drink of too sleepy to realize I hadn’t opened one. He peed in a dump truck in a piggy bank this is probably my fault we have one bathroom and for a year I almost kept diarrhea from a condition I have and would tell him to pee in the tub (which I would clean and bleach) but I somehow instilled in him that he can be anywhere. The weirdest thing I’ve had to yell was “QUIT CHASING ME WITH YOUR PENIS!!!!” For awhile if he was naked he was chasing me with it trying to touch me because he knew it bothered that’s when I learned the most important mommy lesson Never. Show. Fear.

Kim 7 months ago

Besides using all the above phrases….one of our favorites, to my then 4 year old, “when you stuck that pistachio in your nose….where did you thinking would go?” It was not as easy to retrieve as one might think!

Katarina 7 months ago

‘Yes – I can see your penis is strong enough to put a hole in the toilet paper. Now take the paper off and put it in the toilet’ 4½ years old… 😉

Amy Southern 7 months ago

NO! Your brothers baseball cup is not a snorkel, so get it off your face.

Kristi 8 months ago

“Don’t pee on [the neighbor’s] house!… no, it doesn’t matter if it will dry, we still don’t pee on people’s houses!” Or “keep your penis in your pants while you’re jumping on the trampoline!”or “Don’t put mud in your brother’s shirt… I don’t care if he says he likes it!”
Those were just in the last week, to name a few…

Hope 8 months ago

In 2003, I married a widower who had 2 boys, ages 3 and 5. I was a single mom to 2 girls, ages 9 and 5. In hindsight, I was 2,000% unprepared for the variety of challenges I was yet to experience when raising boys versus and in addition to girls!!! My most vivid memory was walking past the bathroom and catching a glimpse of both, standing in front of the toilet, side by side, peeing TOGETHER!! It still cracks me up to this day, but your MythBusters story is priceless!!! Also, like you, my boys always left random items on pockets. All those “surprises” led me to cut holes in the pockets to avoid ruining countless clothes and yet another washer/dryer! Problem solved!!

The Mean Mama 8 months ago

“Don’t PEE on your head!”

Found oldest son, middle son, and nephew had slid mattress off the side of the box springs like a slide, they were laying on it, head lower than feet, peeing… on their faces.

ami 8 months ago

Also mother of three boys, ages 6,8 and 9:

-shampoo bottles are not meant for penises.
-we don’t scrub your brother’s butt with Dad’s toothbrush.
-no, I don’t have a penis. (Convinced that I do because they can hear me pee… like I’m in some type of denial…)

Z 8 months ago

“Is that a jar of spit?”

Amy 8 months ago

“Kevin! Don’t ‘tea bag’ your brother!’ – while his brother, who couldn’t crawl yet, was laughing hysterically.

Rachel 8 months ago

“We do not throw underwear that you just pooped in, at people, especially your mother”

Rachel 8 months ago

“Don’t ever lick the toilet seat!”

sandy 8 months ago

What is it about boys and pee? Mine was “Don’t pee in the shampoo bottle!”

frynnsk 8 months ago

My favorite was “no you cant moon the store” my son at 3 years old discovered that pulling his pants down and displaying his butt made people laugh so he wanted to do it everywhere.

Elizabeth 8 months ago

Do NOT chase your sister with a bug. Keep all bugs to yourself! And he’s only 2. I’m in big trouble!

Sue 8 months ago

10/10 bt need an UK version … including …. let me know if you want the toilet in the night . In brackets cos you’ll spray the ceiling with that device of yours.
AND … younger brother at pre-school (aged almost 3) Teacher “Who’s got some news to share?” What a bloody stupid question to a group containing a child just back from sick leave for a Circumcision … who drops his pants…. and proudly says “Look! I’ve got one just like daddy’s now!”

LINDA HANTZ 10 months ago

i always have to ask my three gorgeous Grandsons….ages 5.5 (twins) and3 to point their peepee into the water….so it doesn’t go all over the toilet or the wall or the floor!

Amanda 10 months ago

LOL wow! I am a mother of three girls but I am pregnant with a boy due in June. Wondering how much fun we are going to have with this little mischief maker. Thanks for giving me an idea!

Clare Peterson Weber 10 months ago

Don’t ride your brother (6 months old) like a pony!
The three year old would sit on the baby and bounce. I said he had to wait to wrestle and push until brother was old enough to fight back.

Stephanie Pizor 10 months ago

“No, you can not have a cookie because you put chocolate syrup all over the dog”

Toni Gabbani 10 months ago

I had 3 brothers and they were not like this at all.

Leslie Jennison Nixon 10 months ago

Stop standing on your brother’s head.

Peta Howson 10 months ago

Kylie so much to look forward too!! Lol

Sharon Wheeler 10 months ago

In addition to the things I never thought I’d say, there are also the things I never thought I’d hear. On the way to daycare this week, my 4-year-old says, “Guess what, Mommy? Me and [friend] were playing with our wee-wees yesterday! We were making them talk!” Wait, what?!

Ruth Searcy 10 months ago

Me: “Put your peepee back in your pants”
My 4yr old: “No, it needs to breathe”

This is every day.

Or- please get your peepee off my leg (or furniture.. Whichever he feels it needs to rest on that day)

Lynda Kurth 10 months ago

Stop peeing down the air vents. Don’t pee under your bed to see how far u can hit . Don’t pee in your sisters boots.

Kelly Leigh 10 months ago

‘ don’t drink that water, you just pooped in there’ (hurry up and get out!!)

Cheryl Pickford 10 months ago

Hilarious !

Kaitlin Hoach 10 months ago

Hahaha! :)

Amber Thomas 10 months ago

my 4 year old “mommy my wee wee is too big to fit in my underwear” me “baby do you need to pee?”

Erica Birdman 10 months ago

Don’t lick the dog
I see you with that booger
Our baby just peed on his face!
Why are you naked

Tracey Rediker 10 months ago

just said this a few days ago: stop twerking and do your homework! I guess that one is unisex.

Jane Ball 10 months ago

Don’t stick you finger near the dogs butt!!

Camila Linhares Oliveira 10 months ago

I’ve never had to say any of that…

Becky Skeen 10 months ago

My son when he was two though it was cool to play shake the firehouse while peeing.

    Stephanie Pizor 10 months ago

    Happened to me today..lol

Becki Hahnen 10 months ago

Every time they get out of the bath they need to run around naked shaking their penis like a crazy animal:… Ugh. They even have their sister trying to find hers so she can join in this bath time dance ritual… :/

Erin Zielenski 10 months ago

“Stop pulling on your penis” “Wipe your butt before you pull up your pants” “Do NOT wipe your butt on the cat/dog/wall/me!” “Don’t eat that (booger, earwax, hairball, dirt, piece of candy from the floor……)”

Marian Stewart Moore 10 months ago

Me to a 3 year old in the bathroom who just got a toy digital camera as a gift: “no wee-wee pics”.
Him: “I already did.”

Rebecca Runnels Crotts 10 months ago

You can’t play in the oven…
Get your gum out of your toes…
You can’t pure on the neighbors flowers…

K.c. Covert 10 months ago

Grammars need to know this stuff too!

Jennifer Figueroa 10 months ago

these are so great. my husband and i were literally crying with laughter as we read them.

Jennifer Cure Kehler 10 months ago

Let’s not keep track of how much you pee I one day by peeing in a pitcher and leaving it under the bathroom sink.
Don’t play with dead things…go wash with soap.
Baby skunks can still pee on you! Now you know. I’ll get the tomato juice.
Your brother does look good in blue…clothes! Not paint! Get in the bathroom!

Veronica Dawn 10 months ago

Don’t pee on the dog…

Siouxqie TwoKnuckle 10 months ago

I’ve said, “quit peeing on the damn dog” so many times.

There’s also been “don’t stand on the swing and pee!” (To my oldest). And to my youngest, (shrieking in disgust) “OH MY GOD! QUIT FREAKING RUNNING THROUGH IT!”

Boys are just gross.

Jessica C 10 months ago

I have 3 boys too…6,3, and 1. My am constantly fielding penis, butt, and fart talk. “Stop putting your (naked) butt near his face” “please stop farting on each other”….etc.

Jennifer 10 months ago

“It’s not nice to pee on your brother…no, that doesn’t mean you can pee on the dog either!”

Sara Marshall 10 months ago

I have a 3 year old boy with another boy on the way… I think I might need my own room… In another house…. Lol

Bethany Draime 10 months ago

Why are you pooping out side, 4 year old, mommy the dog did it too… How do you keep a straight face through that?

Bethany Draime 10 months ago

Please stop sing the song “shake your booty” everywhere we go, do not roll the car window down and yell at other cars! Oh and we do not have to pick up every rock we fine at the park :-)

Debbie Caruso 10 months ago

“Die already then brush your teeth!” Said in the context of that he was playing a computer game and I told him to go to bed. He said, “after I die.”

Debra McCourt Hostas 10 months ago

It is scary what goes through boys mind!

Nicole Lynn 10 months ago

Honestly, my girl is way less into hygiene than my boy! She is older too! the only thing that differs is that my boy is obsessed with his penis and my girl is not obsessed with her parts. What is up with that???!

Heather Fulginiti 10 months ago

Never thought I’d hear this one:
“Mommy, I just peed in the tubby!” No, he wasn’t taking a bath, he just spoof up on the side, pulled his weiner out and did his business.
He’s all about taking pictures of his poop too. “Mommy, I’m done going poopies, will you take a picture of it?!?”

Clarissa 10 months ago

I’m had to threaten my 3 year old with a de-capping as he was being a mean superhero.

Jessica Rolfe 10 months ago

That’s tame. Mine are so much worse.

Cindy Anthony 10 months ago

Lol glad I had s girl

Emma 10 months ago

“Don’t hit your brother in the face with your penis”. Followed by (to the other one) “do NOT bite your brother’s penis”. Boys.

Meredith 10 months ago

Said to my two boys on more than one occasion: “Licking your brother is not acceptable even as self-defense.”

NaDesha Allman Hubbell 10 months ago

I’d like to add to that list ” get off the roof”.

Kristin 10 months ago

Sadly I have had to say, “Elyas, get your penis off the iPad.”

Crystal Moore 10 months ago

“Stop sticking Cheerios on your penis”

Laura Palmer 10 months ago

Get batman off your penis has actually been said in our house. ..

Carol Greiner 10 months ago

Why can’t this be titled “10 things I never thought I’d have to say…until I had KIDS”? These sexist “boys-are-gross-but-we-love-them-anyway” articles are irritating. I have 3 girls and I’ve said some version of all of these many times. Girls do the exact same things as boys, just replace “penis” with “vagina”. Girls are just as gross, weird, and fart-obsessed as boys!

Sherry G. York 10 months ago

4 boys and a grson, I’ve heard it all..still don’t know the full story of how my second son, Steven split his head open, and how his older brother Brian was involved..I never will I’m sure.

Julie Oldfield 10 months ago

Don’t lick the cat!

Heather A 10 months ago

Definitely had to say a few of these! Lol love my boys

Mary Callahan Kisamore 10 months ago

Just be glad it was blackberries. My boys stuffed their pockets with frogs some still alive some not and once there was just half a frog, they found it on the road, the other half they said was squashed. Pockets were also their favorite place to put used gum. Lol.

Debbie Decker Marsack 10 months ago

I think #5 is something I could teach them.

Ellen Schappe Jurado 10 months ago

When I taught preschool, one of my top comments was, “The hole for your penis goes in the front of your underwear.” (When getting dressed after swimming)

Kathy Voisin Zeuty 10 months ago

Number 9!! I thought I was going out of my mind. Could not find the source of the stench for hours!!

Madison Mello 10 months ago

We have a cup he likes to play with in the bath. So “get your feet out of the cup, you’re gonna fall” comes out way more often than I ever thought. Also at bath time “stop pulling on your pee pee! Doesn’t that hurt?” He has way more toys than he needs. And that’s still his favorite toy..

Brie Gruber 10 months ago

No…mommy’s underwear doesn’t go in your mouth… (I was folding clothes and he got a clean pair). I love these!

Amy Smith 10 months ago

Ha! My girls are 9 & 10… my boy is 3 and I feel like I have to explain so much more to him. Like I shouldn’t have to tell him to keep his finger out of his butt. And that you shouldn’t tell strangers when you fart. And how many times do I have to explain that “what the hell” should not be in his vocabulary? Boys are great. I’m beyond thankful I only have 1 though!

Amber-lynn Vigini 10 months ago

Oh boys, gotta love them. We’ve got two and it’s only going to get better as they get older

Tammy Zimmer Halligan 10 months ago

#7 – I had to tell my boy, “Do not put boogers in your sister’s ear.” He was taking the wet willy up a notch.

Janet Louden Schafer 10 months ago

My ever favorite….”Get your hands out of your pants.”

Nell Farrant-Stanley 10 months ago

I fact hears a list of things I’ve said to my daughter that lists like this would attribute to ‘boy’ behaviour, rather than a young child’s behaviour.

1. Get your head and arms out of the lavatory! You may not fish your poo out!

2. Please don’t smear bogies on your picture, you are not Tracey Emin – although secretly I thought her bogey collage was quite creative……

3. If you need to scratch [your vagina], perhaps do it in the lavatory, we don’t need to see that.

4. Take your backside out of my face and put your pants back on now please………….Did you just fart in my face?!?

5. No thank you, I would not like to be cuddled [squeezed] until my blood comes out of my eyes.

6. No, I do t think we can remove the top of your head so you look more like a zombie.

7. Stop licking my face please.

8. Stop licking your friends faces please.

9. Stop trying to lick Nanny’s dog please………. Well yes, if you’re going to lick the dog, you’re going to get a mouthful of hair. Lesson learned [not].

10. Yes it does feel nice but please remember that what lies in your pants is private, that means not in front of people.

11. Please don’t pee on the lawn………. Well trying to kill the dandelions is great, but not with pee.

12. You peed in the paddling pool, great……….. No don’t drink the water!

13. No you could not use your poo like a chalk on the patio…………… Where did you poo?

14. Why are you naked, again?

The list goes on. It’s childish, creative, naughty, dirty fun behaviour. Not boy’s behaviour. That just contributes to gender stereotyping.

SmyleeFly 10 months ago

Why did you shove your Jello down your pants?

Mary Caitlin 10 months ago

My personal favorite was during DS’s swaddle transition: “if you don’t stop hitting yourself, you’re loosing arm privileges” In my defense it was day three of no sleep bc he constantly hit himself

Diane 10 months ago

“No super powers at the table!!” For my 2 and 3 year old boys who were entertaining the 1 year old boy by shooting “spiderwebs” at mommy.

Rebecah Woltersdorf Degnan 10 months ago

Don’t pee on the dog! If you’re outside and you have to play then you need to come inside and pee, not pee outside, standing next to the stop sign!

Alana Sypsomos 10 months ago

The random things said in our house that would make sense no where else on this planet still amuse me. =)

Deborah Stemp 10 months ago



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