10 Things Moms of Boys Must Do


If you could see my uterus, it’s probably blue. And has a beard. Why? Because this baby factory only makes boys.

This fact was a little bit of a cosmic joke, because prior to birthing a domain full of dudes (four, to be exact), I was a total girl’s girl. Makeup, exfoliation, perfume, cute shoes. Fruity drinks instead of whiskey shots. Risk breaking a nail? No thank you. Bugs and worms: ewwwwww.

But being the mother of a male – whether one or many – changes you. It doesn’t mean you have to give up your girly ways (in fact, it’s probably more necessary than ever to preserve at least some of them), but parenting someone of the opposite sex can bring challenges that you’ve just got to adapt to.

So if you’re pregnant with a baby boy, know someone who is, or have a very young boy that’s still more babyish than boyish, I’ve compiled a list of helpful prerequisites to being a boy’s mom.

You’re welcome.

1. You must love bath time. And by “bath time” I don’t mean you yourself sitting there in a candle-lit bathroom with an inflatable pillow and a tub full of luxurious rose-scented suds. I mean you must love giving baths, because boys require a lot of them. You must be prepared for drenching splashes, a wet-dog smell, a soaked floor, and tons of dirty towels. Same when they get old enough to take a shower by themselves – except then, there’s the added “bonus” of the wet-dog smell lingering after they’re done, even though the body wash is disappearing like they’re eating it. Unless you stand at the door and remind them twenty times to use soap … everywhere!


(PS – don’t buy expensive body wash.)

2. You must think farts are funny. By the grace of God, I was born with this toilet-humor-loving trait, so I have had a pretty easy time dealing with this aspect. Boys think farts are funny: period. And the way you handle that can determine your stress level. If you laugh with them, you’ll all benefit. If you try to get them to stop laughing about it, it will only make things worse. Just stress that there are appropriate times and places to let one rip (i.e., not during the silent part of church or while eating at a restaurant) and you’ll be good to go. Even if you personally don’t find farts humorous (in which case, I’m wondering why you’re on my blog), you have to learn to tolerate those who do. Because there’ll be a lot of that going on.

3. You must be prepared for constant – CONSTANT – battle with the toilet. From the time I found out I was expecting my first boy, I was dead-set on one thing: teaching him to use the toilet properly. You know, putting the seat down and stuff. Common courtesy. I have always been a straight-up dictator diligent with my sons when it comes to that, because one of my fears is that they grow up to be men who don’t put the seat down. Ick. But despite my best efforts, there’s always something. One remembers to put the seat down, but not to flush. One remembers to flush, but doesn’t close the lid. One leaves toilet paper in weird places, like hanging out of the bowl or on the floor (WTF?). And they all sprinkle when they tinkle. I am forever reminding them to aim! Flush! Put the seat down! Close the lid! And then to add insult to injury, I have to clean it. It’s seriously exhausting to keep a clean toilet when there’s a boy (or a few) using it.

4. You must rethink your standards of “safety.” Okay, nobody call child protective services on me – I’m not talking about letting your kids ride without a car seat or letting them play with a lighter. But think about the mom you know (and we all know at least one) who sterilizes her kid’s pacifiers and bottles religiously. The mom who hovers endlessly and gasps loudly when her precious snowflake takes a teensy-weensy tumble. You know that mom? Yeah. You can’t be that mom when you have a boy, because boys are just rough. They jump off of things and slide down things and climb up things and roll and tumble and tackle and leap and pounce and run. ALL THE TIME. They taste dirt and kitty litter and glue and hardened gum from beneath park benches and restaurant tables just out of curiosity (I mean, one of my boys ate candy that had been peed on). They try to ride their bikes, scooters, and skateboards faster than everyone else … and try to out-jump everyone else on trampolines. And if you’ve got multiple boys? Fuhgeddaboutit. They do all that plus wrestle, and occasionally get into full-blown knock-down drag-out fights.

Just stock up on Band-Aids and look the other way for a little bit. For your own sanity.

5. You must not be surprised at drama. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me, “Oh, you’re so lucky – boys are way less dramatic than girls.” … Really? Because my boys are as dramatic as they come. There is plenty of stomping, eye rolling, sobbing, shouting, door slamming, and general sassiness going on around this place. I don’t know why everybody thinks boys are naturally easy-going, respectful, agreeable creatures. It must be because my sons’ dramatic outbursts are over “legit” things … like me not letting them use my good earphones, or getting relegated to “Player 2” on the XBox. Right? Recently, my eight-year-old “hated this house and all his brothers” after a burping contest escalated. And after tripping over his shoelace, my Kindergartner flattened himself out on the floor and wailed, complete with tears, “This world is too dangerous for someone like meeeeeee!”

Don’t ever let someone tell you that you’re lucky because boys aren’t dramatic. Seriously. They have no idea.

6. You must be prepared for messes. Sometimes I go slightly insane at the condition of my house. But unless you can afford to hire a full-time housekeeper, messes are just something you’ll have to deal with. And I’m not talking about just clutter from toys. No matter how often you yell and threaten tell them, boys are just not that conscientious about tracking in mud, or grass clippings, or getting toothpaste all over the place, or spilling milk and then maaaaybe half-assed wiping it up with, say, the corner of the tablecloth. (And the boys’ toilet? See #3.) Boys will also wipe boogers on walls and carpets and slop food all over the place like pigs at a trough. This isn’t due to lack of coaching; trust me, I feel like I spend 75% of my waking moments preaching about keeping things neat and tidy. (I spend the other 25% cleaning up the messes that result when my preaching goes in one ear and out the other.)


All of this intensifies with multiple boys and/or a visit from multiple friends. Which brings us to the next prerequisite …

7. You must have a lot of food on hand at all times. I was so fooled by this one. Because when your kids are really little, they eat virtually nothing, and you think, “I sure am glad my kids aren’t big eaters!” And then they get to this stage where – holy crap – did he just inhale those scrambled eggs? My tiny, twig-like eight-year-old will annihilate a man-sized portion of breakfast and complain that he’s still hungry. And they always. Want. To snack. My refrigerator opens every five minutes when the kids are home. (And in between those five-minute spans, they’re raiding the cabinets.) We spend enough at the grocery store every month to make me feel faint in the checkout line, and we still run out. These little eating machines are like a pack of hungry locusts – and when one has something, they ALL want their own. I can’t wait until they’re all teenagers!*

*Note the sarcasm. I can totally wait. I need time to find a few more jobs and take out a second mortgage so we can almost afford the grocery bill.

8. You must be prepared to go through LOTS. And LOTS. Of JEANS. I have written several blog posts about this very subject because seriously? Four boys later and I am still utterly astonished at how fast they can ruin a seemingly-sturdy pair. Denim is supposed to be this rugged fabric, and it may work for lumberjacks, but it’s no match for the crawling, scraping, staining, and scooting of little boys. I find this ironic, though, because …

9. You must be cool with nudity. I don’t know how my boys go through so many pairs of jeans because, hell, it isn’t like they wear them at home. In fact, it isn’t like they wear anything at home. In my experience, from the time they are physically able to remove their own clothing, they will. My boys start stripping down the instant they get home from school. Sometimes they lounge around in their underwear, and sometimes they forego the underwear altogether.


Which brings us to my very last piece of advice …

10. You must get used to “The Grab.” I’m talking about the penis. The wiener. The tallywhacker. The wee-wee, the pee-pee, the goods, whatever term you use. They are going to grab it every chance they get (see #9 for an approximate estimation of just how many chances they get). Your adorable infant son will reach down to grab his as soon as you take his diaper off, and in my nine years of experience mothering boys, it doesn’t stop after that. They’ll pull on it, stretch it, flick it, anywhere, any time they can get access to it. They’ll do it in the bathtub and while watching TV. I have literally been forced to utter the phrase “Stop wrapping your penis around your fork.” They do it in a way someone might, say, bite their nails or twiddle their thumbs: automatically, absentmindedly, innocently, frequently. After a while, you won’t even notice.

… You’ll probably be too busy cleaning up messes or shopping for new jeans.

About the writer


Rita Templeton is a writer and mom to four lively, imaginative little boys. She lives in Davenport, Iowa, where she maintains her sanity by blogging at Fighting off Frumpy (and occasionally locking herself in her closet with a box of cookies). Come say hi on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.


Anonymous 5 days ago

A to the MEN! And I am definitely creating a wall hanging from your opening paragraph, though I only have three. Thank you for the belly laugh!

Georgia 2 weeks ago

This is all kids. They are rambunctious and wild and messy and gross. Of course, that’s provided the parents aren’t putting different constraints on their daughters just because they think girls are not supposed to “act like that”.

Lula 2 weeks ago

Not different from girls. Sorry.

rlk125 3 weeks ago

I re-read this article occasionally just to keep my sanity because its so spot on. Basically my life. Except the body wash – I’ve discovered Pear’s soap (sold at the dollar store) is the best at getting rid of the stinky boy smell…
Thanks for this!

shaye 3 weeks ago

Thank you! You made me feel less insane. And everybody does have something negative to say but you made me feel normal for once. I had the first boy in our family and i didnt no what i was getting myself into but at least i no im not the only one lol thanks so much!!

Debra Barchard 4 weeks ago

Yes everyday was a new adventure couldn’t begin to count all the trips to E.R. For broken bones and sutures they were 100% boys and having to remind myself to check jean pockets before washing them never knew what lil treasure would be hiding in those pockets? But wouldn’t make a change for anything “Great Memories” for a Mom of 2 very active boys!!

Doug 1 month ago

You have it right. Well, you could have daughters. Damn, I love them!
No pissing contests,; However make Dad mad contestants… yes.

Cyndi Klausing 2 months ago

Honey , you NAILED it ! Having raised four boys ( no girls) to adulthood I was crying with hilarity and no small amount of wistfulness. As crazy as those days were I would give ANYTHING to have them back in an instant. The pissing contests off the garage roof at 3 am. The lighting of AXE spray cans to make blow torches ( in the upstairs bathroom). Boys think of the most dangerous ways to stay entertained. Love them to bits and glad they are all still in one piece !

Katelyn 2 months ago

I was crying laughing reading this!!! I have 2 boys myself. My baby isn’t old enough for most of the things on this list but my toddler is hitting all of these on point. Great article.

Janelle 2 months ago

I CANNOT believe how accurate this post is! I absolutely love it! I must share 😉 #ILoveBoys

Richard 3 months ago

Love your blog……..cannot wait to see the teenage house……

sarah 3 months ago

its funny because while i was reading number #2 my 9 year old walked out of the bedroom and leaned over the couch and farted then said ahhh and walked way…mind you i was reading that in my head! so he had no idea lol i about died laughing

THWOMP 6 months ago

Not much different than raising girls, to be honest.

Jacquie Andraos 6 months ago

Oh yeah! Pretty much all of the above. Except the bath together… They get so dirty I have to scrub the bath tub before between each bath!… Won’t change any of it!

Juli 6 months ago

I have 2 of each and unfortunately my little “ladies” provide the same kinds of “blessings” my boys do (void the penis, of course). *sigh*

LiSA 6 months ago

OMG, thank you!!!! I finally found someone who feels my pain. I have 3 BOYS, and they are constantly fighting, complaining, eating, and whatever else they do. As a stay-home-mom, it doesn’t help. Reading your post really helps calm my nerves and feeling totally SANE AND NORMAL.

Jennie 6 months ago

‘Don’t wrap your penis around your fork’ …..I lost it. Had to check to make sure I didn’t wake the baby boy up.

Lydia 6 months ago

Every single word. TRUTH! So damn funny

Navy Stark 7 months ago

Thank you for the very detailed article. I don’t feel so alone with 3 boys (4 year old/19 month twins). Thought I was going crazy constantly having to raise my voice every time they bite, kick, grab their junk and stripped down.

Wanda 7 months ago

ROTFLMAO!!!! This is hysterical. As the mother of two boys now 26 and 30. I can so relate.

christina 7 months ago

4 boys here! Well said sistah! As for #9 & #10, at least you didn’t get a call from your son’s teacher stating your son forgot his lock combination and locked his junk in it! Cheers to all moms of boys!

Matt 7 months ago

So much clickbait! More sex-based generalization and stereotyping. Why can’t you just say that the boys at my house do this or that? You don’t even have girls to compare to. My DAUGHTER eats more, farts more, has more potty drama, and takes mor risk than EITHER of her brothers.

mom5boys 7 months ago

HAHAHAHA, oh thank you for this , it was absolutely hysterical! We have 5 little boys (age 8 and under, twins in the mix) and I had to share this with my husband. We HOWLED with laughter and I was crying by the end because I laughed so hard! Numbers 9 and 10 were our favourite, sooooooooo true, hahahahaha!

Erin W. 7 months ago

These are so true! I find some of them to apply to both my daughter and my son. And I will say my four-year-old daughter think fart jokes are just about the funniest thing on the planet. Think 21-fart gun-salute from Despicable Me 2. Slays them both every time.

Edith Matney 7 months ago

This is completely true every bit of it!!!! The only thing that I think needs to be added is that boys are completely lazy in every aspect of life. My daughter is three years older then her twin brothers and by the time she was their age she could and would do twice as much for her self as they will even attempte to. Dressing there selfs is completely out of the question they can’t , don’t know how (even after I have demestraed and helped a dozen times) or just plain refuse to.

Jessica 7 months ago

Love love love your blog. Mother of 3 boys, I can relate to EVERY step of advice and concur!!!
Great blog. Thank you and Happy Mothers Day to you! ( Canadian holiday tomorrow in case it’s not the same for you ;))

Danielle Hubert 7 months ago

I heart you with all my heart!!! Xoxox- keep it going! You are my sanity.


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