10 Things Parents Should Never Do

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200219759-001

1. Take a good, close look at your walls. They will make you want to cry and then hose down your house with disinfectant.

2. SwearEven if your kid still pronounces “banana” as “babana,” as soon as you drop a profanity – just once – the little tyke will say it perfectly and repeatedly, in the most horrifying of places (like the doctor’s office or your grandmother’s house).

3. Assume the toddler-who-never-gets-into-things won’t get into things. Our toddler was not the type of kid who would take my $900 camera off its hook, unearth it from its protective bag, and smear liquid hand soap all over it. But, oh yes. He did.

4. Tell a kid that the plugged toilet will overflow if they keep flushing it without also explaining that that would be a bad thing. There’s nothing as exciting to a 4-year-old boy as an overflowing toilet.

5. Reach out your hand when a 3-year-old says, “Here,” without looking to see what she’s giving you. I’ve been handed many a booger that way.

6. Stick your finger down the back of a diaper to see if it’s wet. This one seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised.

7. Give a toddler an Oreo. The combination of Oreos and the under-3 crowd creates a chemical reaction that makes matter multiply and spread like a virus. I’m still finding Oreo smears from the time I gave one to our daughter when she was three. She’s now eight.

8. Lean over a crouching child and startle them. A child’s head is a concrete wrecking ball and your nose is a bulls-eye. I’m surprised more parents aren’t killed by having their noses crushed into their brains by little kids’ heads. It hurts. Bad.

9. Mistake silence for peace. Silence with kids in the house usually means one of three things: 1) They’re doing something they shouldn’t be. 2) They’ve exited the premises without you realizing it. 3) They’ve simultaneously knocked each other unconscious. All of the above = not good.

10. Blink. You’ll miss something. It might be something adorable, it might be something abominable, but either way, it’ll be something you didn’t want to miss.

Comments

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    • 3

      Theresa says

      One weekend my in-laws came for a visit at our house. They told my husband and I that they would look after the kids for us so we could go out on a date. So, of course we ran out of the house as fast as we could but we weren’t able to go very far due to bad weather. We were back home within an hour and a half. Anyways, when we got in, my mother in-law was sitting on the couch debating weither or not to go into the emergency room. Apparently, while she was on the computer, my son came running at her saying catch me Nan and by the time she looked up, his head plowed right into her face! He broke her nose so bad that when we got home, both of her eyes were turning black.

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  1. 6

    Emily Sulzle says

    #2 – you'd think by our 4th kid, we'd know better. The phrase he's speaking with perfect clarity is two words, first word starts with f (7 letters), second word starts with s (4 letters). DH and I are currently discussing who has to take the blame for it!

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    • 8

      Theresa says

      When my twins were younger, I had to take the knob off one of the kitchen cupboard doors (safety locks wouldn’t work). My son use to scream because he couldn’t get into that cupboard. Well, when I was upstairs, the kids were super quiet. I heard a bit of low baby chatter between them but nothing else. When I looked into the kitchen, my daughter (his twin) was showing him how to get into that darn cupboard!! We always use to joke saying that he’s the brawn and she’s the brains.

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  2. 10

    says

    I laughed out loud at #8. Surprised my nose hasn’t been broken yet. And #9…last time my daughter was quiet, she drew on the length of all four walls of our family room with black pen. Praise Jesus for the Magic Eraser.

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  3. 11

    Paula says

    #5 – Apparently I needed to be told not only not to take anything from a 3 year old, but don’t eat it. Ate a peanut from my son and wondered why it was wet – he had sucked all the chocolate off a peanut m & m!

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  4. 13

    Ashton King says

    #8! I dont know how many times my lil guy has crushed my nose while playing. I seriously cant believe he hasnt broken it yet. I also cant believe how hard his head is! Hes 19 months and just did this last week. Hurt so bad I instantly started crying… he just stopped what he was doing and lookedlooked at me and said "ok?" In his cute baby voice and me crying and in pain said firmly "no.mommy not ok. That really hurt!" And then he started crying too. I felt so bad that he was crying for me so I stopped and told him it was ok it was an accident and that I love him anyways. It was so freaking cute!

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  5. 16

    Courage Lightflow says

    My now 3 year old was a bit over 1 when he slammed into my head. I heard a cracking sound, and I saw stars and fell backwards, unable to sit up for a moment. About a week or two later… my tooth fell out, cracked from the impact. Of course I happened to be pregnant by that point and had to wait until delivery to get it fixed… at first only 1/4 of the tooth fell out… soon half of it…. I ended up having to have it pulled, all from that wrecking ball of a skull of my son's. Now I'm toddler shy. They start to move and I cringe and bring my hands up to block my face. Thanks, I don't need another lost tooth…

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  6. 17

    Courage Lightflow says

    About #2 though. Nothing cuter than when they hear you using appropriate words and throw a fit screaming "Dang it dang it dang it, no I SAID NO!" People laugh at my 3 year old all the time due to it.

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  7. 20

    Louisa Perry says

    Ha ha!! Especially 8! I too have often wondered how many parents have died as a result of nose fragments driven into brains – think I have escaped that fate only by the narrowest of margins several times! Oouch!!! Also painful, when they jump up and headbutt you in the lower-chin, causing your teeth to smash together. Aargh. 😁

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