10 Things I Hated About Pregnancy

128 Comments

hate-pregnancy

1. I can no longer enjoy a hearty laugh or even experience an impromptu sneeze without peeing myself a smidge.  I’m inventing Depend’s EasyFit PREGNANCY SLIMS for those of us who wet ourselves just a tad throughout the day.

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2. The dead-of-night surprise of sudden foot cramps so painful I shoot out of bed from a deep sleep and start hopping around on one foot while holding the other and yelping, “Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch” like a cartoon character. Somehow hubs sleeps right through this drama every time. Which just makes me want to poke him awake and then say, “Man, those cramps are rough. Sorry I woke you.”

3. Suddenly having my early pregnancy nausea change its mind and return after leaving for 2 months. Last week, Asher, who is extremely attached to his little frog potty and refuses to use a regular toilet while at home, both peed and pooped in the little potty, making a delightful poopy soup. I started gagging as soon as I picked it up and once I’d deposited it in the big potty, I threw up on top of it. This shit is glamorous.

4. Hitching up my stretchy waist-band pregnancy pants ALL DAY LONG. I sit then stand — I pull them back up. I walk 4 steps, somehow causing them to work their way down my hips a couple of inches — I pull them back up. All day long, yank, yank, yank, yank, hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch.  I think I may just go full mu-mu for the remainder of my pregnancy.

5. Boobs so big that there is no bra in existence that can handle them. I’m thinking of hiring a couple of midgets to carry them around for me all day. I don’t mean to offend little people, but clearly there’s a (lack of) height requirement, and kids can’t do the job because of those pesky child labor laws.

6. Areolas the size of silver dollar pancakes. Without any exaggeration.  Yummmmm.

7. The inability to see anything under my belly, most regrettably, my bikini line. I grab the razor, shave blindly, and bravely hope for intact labia.

8. A recently acquired inability to sleep through the night, which I’m sure is an indication of the future sleeping disposition of the child I’m carrying. I toss and turn all night — no easy feat with a big belly and a giant body pillow. And then there’s the handy internal hormonal alarm clock which goes off every morning around 5am and refuses to shut off or even snooze for 4 minutes. Just what everyone welcomes with great joy — an already cranky, hormonal pregnant woman who’s added bitchy blobzilla to her resume because she can’t freaking sleep.

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9. Tears, nay — crying jags, that appear out of nowhere for beyond ridiculous reasons. With my first pregnancy, my husband caught me hiding in the kitchen with the water running at full blast to cover the jagged breaths and wails of a complete meltdown. When he asked me what was wrong, I said — no kidding — “I dripped red popsicle on my shirt.” A few weeks ago, I started blubbering while watching an episode of “Dance Moms.”  A show I am so mortified to admit I watched that I feel like crying again right now.

10. Well-meaning strangers, usually in the check-out line at the grocery store or Target, who all ask the same questions. “When are you due?” Followed by, “Is it a boy or a girl?” Followed by “What are you going to name him?” And then proceed to reach out and try to rub my belly.

I swear, this time I’m having a t-shirt made that says:

Please don’t touch me

The boy with no name

Due April 2013

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      • 3

        Darlene says

        About the belly touching. I’m not a touchy feely person even with my friends. I found hugs awkward pre-pregnancy and value my personal space. I read on another momma blog that a friend of hers would touch the offenders tummy right back. Stopped people dead in their tracks as they recoil in horror. The best part about that is — I started that straight after, giving them the same look of enthusiasm as they give me when they assault my baby belly. Now I enjoy the tummy touch. I dare you to touch my baby belly. Seriously, try it. haha!

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    • 9

      Toulouse says

      I’m so happy I at least escaped the restless leg syndrome. I did, however, have horrific carpal tunnel syndrome with the first one. I couldn’t feel my hands so I was useless at things like cooking and cleaning. My husband thinks I still have it. ; )

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  1. 12

    Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice says

    Oh, come on… For some of us, pregnancy boobs are a vast improvement. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d ever wear a D-cup without surgery. Almost reason enough to get pregnant again!

    Love the T shirt idea.

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    • 13

      Toulouse says

      I know lots of people who really enjoyed their bigger boobs…some enough so that they just kept right on breastfeeding until the kids were practically teenagers. But mine were just horribly, unbelievably big. I really needed the midgets…I’m not kidding!

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  2. 14

    andrea says

    After 4 kids I had only 1 “good” pregnancy, my last one. Don’t forget saddle sore from waddling! and i hated maternity pants! I have full hips and thighs so I always have to buy pants to fit my ass and they don’t stay up around my waist. To combat the yanking and pulling up I sewed another panel high so that I could put a draw sting in and tied it under my boobs. And barenecessities.com best site ever for finding bras to hold up National Geographic boobs!

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    • 15

      Toulouse says

      You are ingenious with the drawstring thingee under your boobs! And clearly, not nearly as lazy as I was during my pregnancy because even if I’d thought of the idea, I wouldn’t have ever gotten around to doing it.
      And when I say no bra in existence, know that I know what I’m talking about. I scoured the internet…bare necessities, figleaves…every single one of them. Sigh.

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  3. 18

    Ninja Mom says

    3 and 9 FTW! The crying jags, oh the ridiculous crying jags. I cried long and loud over: forgotten grocery list items, missing the premier of a TV show, farts. . . pregnancy is only for the crazy.

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  4. 19

    Robbie says

    I saw a very similar shirt on Pinterest. No strangers ever rubbed my belly because my jugs were so gigantic people didn’t know I was pregnant b/c they hid my baby belly.

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    • 20

      Toulouse says

      I’m surprised I didn’t have that problem cuz my jugs were beyond unruly! But somehow, they still tried to rub the jeanie in the bottle. HANDS OFF the belly!

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  5. 21

    Sabrina Salas says

    I hate when people scare the shit out of you by their hoor stories, like being ripped to one hole to another or a 32 hour labor, or a C section that makes u feel like ur intestines will fall on the floor !!! Dear lord I could go on :)))

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