10 Things You Can’t Do In Public While Pregnant (But Totally Want To)

When you’re pregnant, there are myriad things you wish you could just up and do no matter where you are and whom you’re with — things you probably do in the privacy of your own home without reserve. The thing is, you can’t in public. I mean, you could, but you’d either no longer have any friends or get arrested, and nobody wants that. Here are just a few of them:

1. Ice your vagina. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only pregnant person who’s had swollen labes and excruciating pelvic pain for the majority of the third trimester. Add to that a previous c-section incision or two and you’re talking a serious case of Super Snatchitis. Life would be so much easier if you could just excuse yourself to the frozen food aisle and apply a Lean Cuisine to your crotch without judgment.

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2. Scream, “I JUST WANNA SHIT! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?” from the stall of a public restroom. Not even upon reaching dangerously toxic levels of concrete-esque excrement in your bowels is this ever a good idea.

3. Whip your boobies out to apply a soothing cream or salve. Where my fellow sistas with the saucer-sized areolas and chafey nips at, hmm? You know what I’m talking about.

4. Apply hemorrhoid cream during a staff meeting. It’s just not sanitary.

5. Walk around naked. Even the largest of maternity wear can be so restrictive. There’s nothing more comfortable or freeing than letting it all — and I DO mean IT ALL  hang loose.

6. Fart audibly. Of course you’re still farting; you’re just doing it as quietly and discreetly as possible. Only in fairy tales can you let those juicy ones fly and still be invited back to the neighbor’s next dinner party.

7. Give up on grooming. This is totes something you can get away with in small amounts, but I wouldn’t recommend giving it up cold turkey. Chances are you want your friends and partner to still be there when the baby’s born. Here’s how to know if you’ve let it go too far: When the doctor starts performing your routine exams in a Hazmat suit, it’s time to break out the soap, brush, and razor.

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8. Eat other people’s food when hungry. Yes, pregnancy hunger can strike without warning, and yes, it’s one bitch of a whore. Even still, it’s not advisable to pick from the plates of patrons in area restaurants or rip items off the grocery store shelves and tear into them like a rabid honey badger.

9. Ask complete strangers to evaluate the viscosity of your vaginal discharge. Is it pee, vaggie juice, or amniotic fluid? Your concern is understandable, but it’s probably best to leave inspection of your panty paste to your doctor or spouse.

10. Hump your hubby on the breakfast bar at Big Boy. If you’re one of the lucky* ones to be blessed with a raging libido during baby baking, you know the urge to sex it up is both frequent and emergent. Still can’t fornicate on the fondue**.

*or unlucky; depends on how you look at it

**just kidding; they don’t have fondue at Big Boy!

Related post: 10 Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman

About the writer

@sampsychmeds

Lola Lolita runs SammichesPsychMeds.com and plays on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Hobbies include introverting, determining how cheap the wine has to be before she can't tolerate it, and trying to sleep while thinking about that one embarrassing thing she did in high school.

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Jenn 1 year ago

Oh man, I wanted sex all. the. time. when I was pregnant. My husband was squeamish about playing “bonk the baby” though. His loss. Now I don’t have the energy.

Christi DeLoach 1 year ago

Um, no.

Jessica Long 1 year ago

Some of these were kind of gross…but mostly true.

Tiffany Evans 1 year ago

Lmao ..for real though

Hannelore Cat 1 year ago

Does anyone else feel like there have been more and more moms on here who post on funny articles how they can’t relate and how it’s sooooo offensive? If you don’t have nuthin nice to say, don’t say nuthin at all. Appreciate that the article maybe wasn’t written for you and move on instead of posting how offended you were and how you are going to unfollow the page and blah blah blah…

Jessica Cole 1 year ago

I was #10. It’s totally both a blessing and a curse. I could’ve used a young boy toy for those 9 months to give my hubby a break. I think at one point he told me I was looking at him like he was a raw steak and I was a hungry lion. Won’t lie, I was.

    Jenn 1 year ago

    Ditto. I wore out my husband AND batteries.

Marcielle Oppenheimer 1 year ago

Ummm…what? No to these, a MILLION TIMES NO. Well, maybe yes to fart audibly. Oh and being naked. The hardest part of any day for me is putting on clothes. Can’t I please just be naked all the time? Maybe wear socks and a snuggie and have that be “Formal Business Attire”

Arlene Carey Webb 1 year ago

I am relieved to find so many others find this just as repulsive as I did! No one has any class anymore! Just foul!

Laura Myers Powell 1 year ago

Add me to the long list of people who don’t relate to this list. Yes, I had my issues–just none of these.

Vanessa L. Skay 1 year ago

I’m 29 weeks pregnant with my second…my first is 13 months old and currently I’m looking through my freezer for an appropriate ice pack! Only one or two of these applied with baby #1, pretty much all apply today with baby #2. I am so thankful at least one pregnancy was easy…even if I didn’t realize it at the time!!!

Jennifer Elaine 1 year ago

#6 for me!

Cinthya B. Castro 1 year ago

Hahaha these things make pregnant women seem horrible

Jeannette Mortimer 1 year ago

Have 3 kids and almost all of these have applied at one point. Number 1 was soooo true with my last baby. I did use ice packs at home.

Brenda Mae 1 year ago

I’ve been pregnant 5 times and have never experienced any of this.

Amanda Sowers 1 year ago

How could I have NEVER thought of the ice WHILE pregnant…dangit is there a roll over plan for afterthought??lol

Sue Hulme 1 year ago

There is an ancient law, here in England, that states if you are a pregnant woman and need to pee you can urinate in a police man’s helmet

    cuevi 1 year ago

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa Gibbs Foreman 1 year ago

I’m laughing and rolling my eyes at the women who SWEAR none of these apply to them.

    Shauna Correia 1 year ago

    Really? because if if happened to you if must have happened to everyone? It’s not that pregnancy is so perfect. I had killer heartburn, migraines, my hair went from straight to curly, and #1 had a foot lodged in my ribs the last 2 months. I’m as “real” as anyone.My issues just weren’t on this list, and if I was preggo, reading it would have made me want to barf. It’s just that some of us didn’t become cave women during pregnancy. Sorry I didn’t have bodily function malfunctions like apparently you did. I’m sorry, I just can’t relate to your issues, but it doesn’t make me a liar.

Lulu Marie 1 year ago

SO FUNNY!!!!

Roni Johnson 1 year ago

I went to my c-section a total sasquatch. There was no way in any hell i was going to shave any part of my body for anyone lol

Sarah Carroll 1 year ago

I’ve never even heard of wanting to ice your junk while pregnant. While healing after labor, maybe.

Aerin Freno 1 year ago

Rofl, # 5 for sure!!! So glad i am not the only one who feels this way!

Bethany Lynn 1 year ago

I’m kinda surprised peeing outside like a dude isn’t on this list

Shauna Correia 1 year ago

Hate to rain on the parade and usually I love scary mommy… but am i the only one that thought this article was just gross? Pretty sure none of this ever crossed my mind during either pregnancy.

    Shauna Correia 1 year ago

    You’re rude.

Jozi Babs Neilson 1 year ago

Hahaha

Violet Phillips 1 year ago

I just read this and laughed… never happened to me

Brandi Hereford 1 year ago

Never had one single one of these issues while pregnant, guess I’m lucky!

Nicole Talbott 1 year ago

Lol vaggie juice

Kayla Bessellieu 1 year ago

Terrible! None of these applied to me!

Karen Hennessy 1 year ago

Probably just number 8 i reckon

Nicole Demers Arnold 1 year ago

I almost peed the bed reading this. My husband actually said “don’t piss the bed…”

Kaylie Jordan 1 year ago

I fart, don’t care where im at, if its loud oh well. Then again i do it pregnant or not. My sister yelled at me the other day wanting to know why i couldnt excuse myself outside or to the bathroom like a female, i told her its a natural bodily function and why should i. Cant fart shame me.

DustinnAndrea Boswell 1 year ago

Hilarious! And so true!

Deanna Springer Graefe 1 year ago

Yeah, I’m almost 7 months pregnant with my 3rd and never wanted to do anything on this list. At all.

Bri Wood 1 year ago

#1 for sure!! And I’ve seen gerbils poop bigger poops than me

Jennie Melroy Kovolski 1 year ago

Ew no never any of these and I’m pretty forward and gross.

Sol Summer 1 year ago

My thing was basically number 8. I never felt such hunger pangs like those when I was pregnant

Ruthi Houseright 1 year ago

In fairness, most of those are things you can’t do in public when you’re NOT pregnant, either.

Lindsey Camacho 1 year ago

Can’t relate to any of this… I really had a pleasant pregnancy!

Brittany Stephens 1 year ago

Not once! Lol

Tana Durbin Burhans 1 year ago

Hahaha this made me laugh!
I soooo wanted to drink out of this mug while nine months pregnant!

Melinda Hicks 1 year ago

ROFLMAO

April Lichtenberg 1 year ago

Haha!

Alexa Schoettle 1 year ago

Ha ha the jar of pickles never made it home, neither is the tray of sushi or the two boxes of cookies I ripped open in the store coz I had to EAT lol

    Alexa Schoettle 1 year ago

    Or the fried chicken at Walmart lol

Rhiannon K Höglund 1 year ago

I feel like this one is stretching too much too be funny. The only one that’s relatable is the nakey one.. and that one’s not even funny. :/ #sorrynotsorry

Tracey Macdonald 1 year ago

None of these apply to me or any other pregnant woman I’ve known.

Susan Ochoa Sugg 1 year ago

I can honestly say I never wanted to do any of these things.

Heather Conklin 1 year ago

These made me laugh!

Kristin Bouvier 1 year ago

…today.

Kristin Bouvier 1 year ago

I’ve definitely done one of these.

Scott Lewis 1 year ago

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 10, I’m completely ok with. Just an FYI.

Ashley Mercedes 1 year ago

Lying prudes is right! We’ve all been there! Lol I hate liars

Michelle Combs 1 year ago

I don’t believe I wanted to do any of this

Justine Schneider 1 year ago

Read some of the other comments on here. Prude asses! Everyone wants to fart in Target when they’re pregnant (and not pregnant) everyone.

Michele Zantop Biggerstaff 1 year ago

Hmmmm…never wanted to do any of these.

Ashley Mercedes 1 year ago

Lmao yes!!

Ayla Anderstrom 1 year ago

Haha this is too funny but oh so true!! Hahaha

Shelby Hutchison-Atkinson 1 year ago

Not one applied to me in pregnancy with either of my boys.

Kaara Moyers 1 year ago

She had me at the first one. My pelvis separated during my 3rd and 4th pregnancies, and I had the most swollen crotch just from the sheer baby weight. If I hadn’t wanted one more so badly, if have never gone through with it the second time, and nothing would convince me to do it a third!

Jennifer Miller 1 year ago

Haha! I never got hemorrhoids either. Just wait til after she’s born. You’ll definitely want to ice your vag then!

Catherine Hoile 1 year ago

Pretty sure! No hemorrhoids either. 😉

Jennifer Miller 1 year ago

You’re sure you don’t have the urge to ice your vag???

Faulkner Erica 1 year ago

lmfao!

Catherine Hoile 1 year ago

Lol, thanks sis, I think I’m good.

Dena Wagoner 1 year ago

I’m pregnant now and would LOVE to poop!!!

Tess Lane 1 year ago

Yes!

Kara Burgoyne 1 year ago

I don’t relate to any of these.

Amanda George 1 year ago

Nope nope nope times ten. Don’t wanna and never have wanted to do any of these.

Kaitlyn Rosa 1 year ago

I didn’t really have a problem with any of this except for feeling restricted in my clothing. If it wouldn’t have horrified everyone I would have considered living out the last half of my pregnancy naked. Lol

Sarah Louise Kenna 1 year ago

If I wanna fart I fart don’t care where I am or who I am with or how loud it is I am gonna fart don’t care my excuse will be it was the baby !!!

Megan R Burgess 1 year ago

10 was the worst for me. ABSOLUTE UNGODLY sex drive lol

Elspeth Bretton 1 year ago

I would have loved to rub lotion on my nipples, ice my crotch, and…ahem…get frisky. But the one that resonates most is the desire to poop without half a jar of Metamucil

Stephanie Lewis 1 year ago

Well well well. Look at all the butthurt “I was never this way’ posts. GET OVER YOURSELVES.

Caryn Amster Hogan 1 year ago

Hahahaha!!!!! Every single one was true for me!!!!!

Jennifer Lynn Swenson 1 year ago

My son is almost 8weeks old and I had most of these during my pregnancy. This made me Lol because it is so true. Especially the pregnancy hunger. I started carrying snacks with me. Granola bars, peanut butter crackers and trail mix were my go to snacks for on the go.

Dayle Straight 1 year ago

I almost inhaled my taco when i snorted at super snatchitis! Buahaha!! My hubby got a kick out of “labes”

Joycelyn Herndon 1 year ago
Mercedes Alicè 1 year ago

I’m happy to not have experienced all of these…but YES! to many of them!! Especially the clothing one!!

Janel Hutton 1 year ago

How can some of you not relate to this!!! I don’t believe you’ve been pregnant! I’m 6 months preg with my third and can relate to all of these! Pisses me off that some people have “perfect” pregnancies!

    Shelby Hutchison-Atkinson 1 year ago

    None of these applied to my pregnancies but they were far from “perfect”. Had way worse problems than this. So don’t assume people who haven’t had these problems had an easy pregnancy.

    Justine Schneider 1 year ago

    The only thing worse than struggling through a pregnancy is people constantly telling you “don’t complain, this is a blessing”
    We know. But this blessing has taken the joys of pooping away from me and made me leak mystery fluids on a daily basis!

    Amy Renee Buckey 1 year ago

    I have been pregnant six times now, and I actually do not have the urge to ice my vagina ever, and I have diarrhea, I’m not constipated. I would however enjoy being naked, because honestly I’m over this shit. Lmao

    Michelle White 1 year ago

    I only have one kiddo and most of these didn’t apply. But the one thing I wished I could STOP doing in public was puking. I puked randomly through my whole pregnancy. Once I puked all over my steering wheel and dashboard while driving on the interstate. No nausea, no warning. Ugh.

    Jennifer Lynn Swenson 1 year ago

    I had a pretty good pregnancy. I had the exhaustion and nausea in my first trimester and heartburn literally until the day I delivered. Then I hit my third trimester, the exhaustion and nausea returned along with leaky boobs, constipation, body aches discharge at random times…….don’t get me wrong, I love my son and I would do it again. The last trimester, esp. the last four weeks when I started having strong Braxton Hicks contractions and had to pee constantly and could move so slow a snail could pass me….yeah…pretty miserable.

    Becca Thompson 1 year ago

    I’ve got three, and I was rather lucky.. I didn’t get sickness or anything nasty like that… But the peeing all the time was the worst I couldn’t sleep at night cos it was just up and down.. :/ x

    Jaimerae Speed 1 year ago

    I read the article hoping I could relate and have a giggle. But my pregnancy wasn’t like that – the only one that rang true was wanting to be naked, but then, I still wanna be naked. Not every pregnant woman has the same experience. I don’t think there’s any reason to “shame” women who had “easy” pregnancies or to assume they’re lying. I wouldn’t shame your experiences.

Melody Carl 1 year ago

Lmfao

Heather Holder 1 year ago

5 and 10!!! I just want to stay naked, eat and have sex every day.

Rose Marie Bogaard 1 year ago

The only one I can relate to is the clothes, and only with my last pregnancy. The majority of my pregnancy was over summer and it was HOT. Being pregnant made it worse. Clothes? I was in bras and undies unless I was drug outside by my husband and it was miserable.

Kelly 1 year ago

Love it! It is posts like this that make me glad I subscribe to Scary Mommy. This is truly funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh!

Savannah Jane Austin 1 year ago

I don’t agree with any of this

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