When you’re pregnant, there are myriad things you wish you could just up and do no matter where you are and whom you’re with — things you probably do in the privacy of your own home without reserve. The thing is, you can’t in public. I mean, you could, but you’d either no longer have any friends or get arrested, and nobody wants that. Here are just a few of them:
1. Ice your vagina. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only pregnant person who’s had swollen labes and excruciating pelvic pain for the majority of the third trimester. Add to that a previous c-section incision or two and you’re talking a serious case of Super Snatchitis. Life would be so much easier if you could just excuse yourself to the frozen food aisle and apply a Lean Cuisine to your crotch without judgment.
2. Scream, “I JUST WANNA SHIT! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?” from the stall of a public restroom. Not even upon reaching dangerously toxic levels of concrete-esque excrement in your bowels is this ever a good idea.
3. Whip your boobies out to apply a soothing cream or salve. Where my fellow sistas with the saucer-sized areolas and chafey nips at, hmm? You know what I’m talking about.
4. Apply hemorrhoid cream during a staff meeting. It’s just not sanitary.
5. Walk around naked. Even the largest of maternity wear can be so restrictive. There’s nothing more comfortable or freeing than letting it all — and I DO mean IT ALL — hang loose.
6. Fart audibly. Of course you’re still farting; you’re just doing it as quietly and discreetly as possible. Only in fairy tales can you let those juicy ones fly and still be invited back to the neighbor’s next dinner party.
7. Give up on grooming. This is totes something you can get away with in small amounts, but I wouldn’t recommend giving it up cold turkey. Chances are you want your friends and partner to still be there when the baby’s born. Here’s how to know if you’ve let it go too far: When the doctor starts performing your routine exams in a Hazmat suit, it’s time to break out the soap, brush, and razor.
8. Eat other people’s food when hungry. Yes, pregnancy hunger can strike without warning, and yes, it’s one bitch of a whore. Even still, it’s not advisable to pick from the plates of patrons in area restaurants or rip items off the grocery store shelves and tear into them like a rabid honey badger.
9. Ask complete strangers to evaluate the viscosity of your vaginal discharge. Is it pee, vaggie juice, or amniotic fluid? Your concern is understandable, but it’s probably best to leave inspection of your panty paste to your doctor or spouse.
10. Hump your hubby on the breakfast bar at Big Boy. If you’re one of the lucky* ones to be blessed with a raging libido during baby baking, you know the urge to sex it up is both frequent and emergent. Still can’t fornicate on the fondue**.
*or unlucky; depends on how you look at it
**just kidding; they don’t have fondue at Big Boy!
Related post: 10 Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman