10 Things You Don’t Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

I used to get annoyed when people told me, “Oh, you have no idea about having kids until you have them.” Sure I did. Who doesn’t know that although kids are cute, they are also a lot of work? That’s why you get a dog to practice before having a kid. Like, duh.

Now that I have three kids, it’s my turn to pass on this knowledge to people I know having their first kid. YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HAVING KIDS UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS! Sorry for shouting, but it’s true. So so so so so so very true.

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Not that anyone asked, but if I were going to give advice to first-time parents, I wouldn’t just state the obvious about their life changing forever. That’s not helpful. Kids are a lot of work, yadda, yadda, yadda. Instead, I’d sit them down in comfy chairs, hand them a beer or glass of wine, and break it down for them all realistic-style. Ok, let’s get to it…

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#1: Kids Are Gross. I think most people without kids understand this in theory–kids poop and pee and puke–but in practice . . . when you’re the parent, YOU are the one cleaning up all of this (literal) shit. And not just when dealing with diapers and potty training and the occasional tummy bug. Those are a given. But like when your kid decides to take a dump on the floor. At the mall. (Or, unfortunately for a friend of mine, in her hand, at the grocery store.) Or when your kid decides she’s big enough to pee alone in the stall at Target but forgets to take off her pants. Or when your kid works himself into such a tantrum that he barfs up everything he has managed to consume from what seems like the past 2 days.

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These, my friends, will not be isolated incidents. Especially when your kids are little. These shenanigans will happen often, if not daily. If your kid has a proclivity for such behavior, you may even be dealing with this stuff a few different times a day. That adds up to a shit-ton of shit. And since you’re the one cleaning up all of this, you can bet your britches that some of this crap will end up on you too. If you’re lucky, you’ll get just a little on your hand. Although gross, easily fixed with some good hand hygiene. If you’re unlucky, well, let’s just say you better hope you realize where the smell that’s been following you all day is coming from before someone else does.

And while we’re on the topic of kids doing gross things, I’d like to put this fact out there: Kids eat their boogers. I think people like to think only other people’s kids do this, but that’s not true. Every kid will at some point in time eat boogers. You just want to hope it’s only their boogers they’re eating. Your kid may try it just once, or it may develop into a habit that lasts for a while. But it will happen. Same goes for ABC gum they find stuck to the underside of a movie theater seat, or a cold half-eaten fry they find on the floor of McDonald’s because, you know, they were still hungry. Dear god, I wish I were making this stuff up.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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#2: Kids Are Dirty. I only had a vague notion about kids and dirt before having my own. I used to babysit a lot, so I knew about the messy face and hands after eating, and even about the crumbs they left all over the table and floor. What I did not know what that this dirt cannot be confined. It doesn’t matter how often you wipe them down after eating or how often you vacuum in the wake of a meal. You will find crumbs in bed (yours, theirs), crumbs in the carpet, crumbs in the cracks of the couch, crumbs in their cracks. You will ask yourself, “How in the world did crumbs get into the freaking tube of toothpaste?!” Like actually into the tube. Kids are just crafty like that.

The crumbs will even multiply and migrate out into your car. Their car seats (who am I kidding, your entire car) will forever be encrusted with ground-up goldfish bits, rogue Cheerios, and broken pretzel sticks. Don’t be too quick to clean out your car, though. This may prove useful on a long car trip when you’ve forgotten snacks. “Oh, sorry kids, just dig around in the cracks of your seat, I’m sure you’ll find something to tide you over.”

In addition to the crumbs you’ll find everywhere, EVERYTHING in your house, including the kids, will be sticky. Toys, books, DVD cases, toilet flusher thingies, faucets, door handles (especially the one on the refrigerator), TV remotes, cabinets, tabletops, countertops, your cell phone, the cat. You’ll need to keep plenty of Windex on hand to wipe their fingerprints off the mirrors and the TV screen. You’ll also need a lot of towels to clean up all of the drinks they’ll spill. At. Every. Single. Meal. Oh, and find a good laundry detergent. Preferably one that can handle the different kinds of stains you’ll be trying to remove from your pants every time you sit in something new and find your ass stuck to the couch.

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10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kidsl

 #3: Kids Are Hoarders. You have kids, you’re gonna have toys. Everyone knows that. What I wasn’t prepared for as a parent was having my entire house practically turn into a toy store. A toy store that exploded. And then had all the toys copulate and give birth to newer and newer generations of toys. Much like the crumbs from the first post, this stuff can’t be contained. You’ll have toys everywhere. Kids’ room, check. Living room, check. Dining room, check. Your room, check. Kitchen, check. Bathroom, check. Stuffed in any drawer your kids can find because they’re good hiding places, check.

Even if you don’t buy your kids too many toys, you can bet your family and friends will. (And usually the kind that play loud, annoying music or can be used to make a lot of noise. But, that’s another topic completely. Love you family!) Not to mention all of the craptastic “toys” they’ll get from those kids meals you swore you’d never feed them. The ones that always seem to break 18.25 seconds into playing with them. The ones your kids go ballistic over if, heaven forbid, they find them in the trash.

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We used to have a dining table in here. Can you spot our china cabinet?

And the more kids you have, the more bins and baskets and buckets and shelving units to hold said bins and baskets and buckets you’ll be buying to shove their toys in to. (Thank you, Ikea!) At first you’ll probably have some type of sorting system for the toys. You’ll want all of the plastic food to stay with the play kitchen, the gazillion trains and cars to stay together, and all of Barbie’s effing little shoes and accessories in one place so that when your kid is looking for things you know where to find them, hopefully avoiding an epic meltdown. (“Mooooooooom-mmy, where is my blue car?! I need my blue car! Not that blue car, the other blue car!” WTF?)

But eventually you’ll give up and just start throwing things in whatever container has even a smidge of free space. “You will fit in there!” Don’t feel bad about this. Just surrender; your sanity will thank you, and it’ll be so much easier in the long run. Plus, once you let go, you’ll find you’ll have more time to worry about other pressing issues. Like why the hell your one eye keeps twitching like that.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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#4: Kids Are Moochers. When it comes to eating, kids typically fall into two categories — 1) those that eat anything and everything, and 2) those that eat hardly anything. If you have more than one kid, you may even get lucky and have both! Or your kid may fall into one category one month, day, or second and fall into the second category another. (Actually, you can pretty much count on this.) This makes for fun meal planning, I can assure you. *eyes rolling*

Regardless of which camp they fall into, all bets are off when they see you with food. They are going to want to cozy up to you and “share” whatever it is that you are eating. ”Can I have a bite? Can I have a bite? Can I have a bite? Just one teeny bite?” For the love of Pete! And it won’t even matter what it is that you are eating. “Begetables, mmmmm, I lub begetables!” “Fish, I lub fish!” “Spicy, mmmmm, I lub spicy.”

If you actually want to eat your meal in its entirety, you have two options. Option 1: If you know your kid likes the food you’re trying to enjoy, DO NOT GIVE IN. I mean it, do not give him or her even just one tiny bite. As much as they say they understand that they will only get one bite and that’s going to be it, they’re lying. Always. Option 2:If you know your kid does not like the food you’re trying to enjoy, do the opposite of what I recommend in Option 1–give him or her a heaping forkful to nosh on. When your kid realizes what you’re eating is just absolutely disgusting, he or she will likely spit it out, right back on your plate, no doubt, and then go find something else to do. Until he or she forgets and comes back begging for more approximately 5 seconds later.

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Sadly, this was not staged.

So I guess you’re just better off going with Option 1 in all cases. Unless you want to avoid this scenario entirely and you hide out in the kitchen (or bedroom or bathroom even) so that you can scarf down your meal in peace!

And while I’ve focused on food here, please know that your kids’ mooching knows no bounds. You should probably plan to stock up on chapstick and deodorant and pens, too.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#5: Kids Don’t Sleep. When you want them to, that is. Everyone knows that new parents usually get very little sleep until their baby is sleeping through the night. (Those bags and dark circles under your eyes never completely go away, by the way.) What I’m talking about here are deviations from your kids “normal” sleep schedule once you think you have found a groove. Like when your kid usually naps in the morning from 10-12, has been for oh, say, the last 6 weeks, and then the day you actually have something planned while your kid is asleep (maybe a conference call for work or, more likely, your own nap) or something planned out of the house after your kid sleeps (say a doctor’s appointment or play date), your kid says, “F you, morning nap!”

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You wanted to go where? Zzzzzzzzzzz.

This results in you either 1) having to cancel what you had planned to do when your kid was supposed to be asleep but is now awake and probably incredibly whiney and clingy or 2) having to cancel what you had planned for after your kid was supposed to be asleep because 1 minute prior to you having to walk out the door you’ll find your kid, coat and shoes on, slumped over on the couch, drooling, and fast asleep. And sorry if you had something planned both before and after the nap was supposed to take place. Your day is screwed.

It’s the same for morning wake up time. You can absolutely count on your kids sleeping in on the mornings you have to be somewhere at a certain time and then being up at the crack of dawn the mornings you could have actually slept in. It always happens this way. Until it doesn’t. And then you’ll have no idea when the hell you’re actually going to get any sleep because you have no idea when the hell your kids are going to sleep. They like to keep us on our toes like that.

I will tell you a secret, though: The one thing that absolutely doesn’t change with kids, the one constant, the one thing you can always, without a doubt predict . . . your kids will be unpredictable. Predictably unpredictable.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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#6: Kids Are Needy. So. Very. Needy. I mean let’s be honest. A newborn can’t do shit. (Actually, that’s one of the things newborns can do quite well, but you know what I mean.) They need to be fed, burped, changed, bathed, rolled over, rolled back, rocked to sleep, picked up, put down, bounced, swaddled, swayed, shushed. Parents with newborns are like zombies for a reason. But we know this. Everyone warns new parents that the first few months will be hell.

But where was the warning that this neediness actually intensifies as your kids get older? You’re not just fulfilling basic human needs anymore; you’ve become a means to an end. ”Mommy, can you get me crackers?” “Daddy, I need my pink shirt with the purple polka dots.” “Mommy, where is that doll I was playing with the other day?” “Where’s my binky?” “Daddy, can you put a show on for us? Yeah that one. Oh no, not this one. The other one. Oh wait, the first one. Actually, where’s the one about the kid doing that thing with the other kid?” “Mommy, I’m thirsty, I need a drink!” “Come wipe my butt.” ”I wanna push the button!” ”I need a Band-Aid!” “Mommy, we want a different show.” “Daddy, Mommy said to get us a snack.” “Where’s my blanket?” “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?” “Mammmmaaaaaaaaa!”

Yup, that about sums up the first 5 minutes the kids are awake each day. But the kicker with all of this neediness is the timing. It is a simple fact that your kids will never need anything while you are already up or even when you ask them point-blank if they need anything. Nope. They’ll suddenly need you right when you sit down to eat, or relax, or poop. Or the second you get in the shower or are otherwise in the middle of doing anything else but tending to them. When your kids are little, you can simply forget about being able to poop alone or take a relaxing shower while they are awake.

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10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#7: Kids Are (Too) Honest. How’s that? Don’t we want to raise honest kids? you ask. Oh absolutely. Yes, we want our kids to fess up when they hit a sibling, or tell a lie, or eat the last of the ever-loving Girl Scout cookies that you won’t be able to get again for another year.

But until kids develop that internal filter that (most) adults have and learn that some things shouldn’t be said out loud, you’re going to be getting a whole lotta honesty you may not want. Some hypothetical (ahem) things you might hear include:

  • Your belly is squishy
  • Your legs are hairy
  • Your breath smells yucky
  • Your hair is greasy
  • Your legs are jiggly
  • You have a boogie in your nose
  • You stink
  • Your boobies are so big (“Big” is such a relative term, eh?)

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Well, if you would leave me the frick alone for 20 effing minutes I might be able to do something about all that! (Oh, who am I kidding, you’ll probably need at least half a day to get all that shit under control. But alas, I refer you back to #6, so the likelihood that you’ll actually have even 5 minutes alone to do ANYTHING is slim to none.)

And don’t think your kids save all of this honesty just for you. You can be sure they will tell you just how hairy or stinky or big your waiter is one day when you are out to lunch. You will pretend you don’t hear anything. Your kid will repeat him- or herself louder and louder each time until you are forced to acknowledge the statement. You will start giving your kid “the look.” Your kid will not understand this look and think you haven’t heard what he or she is saying. Your kid will say it even louder. You will shush your kid. Your kid will get upset and repeat him- or herself again, this time while wailing. The waiter will have heard all of this.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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#8: Kids Break Stuff. It’s inevitable. Your kids are going to break things. This is why you don’t buy kids expensive crap. $1 toys are easier to replace than rare antique collectibles. Even someone who knows nothing about kids will know this.

But kids don’t just break their stuff. There is no magic spell that excludes your stuff from being destroyed as well. Cell phones will be dropped in the toilet, eye glasses will be stepped on, couches will get colored on with permanent markers, lights will be left on in the car draining your battery, computer charging cords will get wrapped around the office chair and wound up so tightly from all the spinning that they’ll fray and eventually sever. And I don’t know any family with a complete set of dishes or glasses. Most of the destruction will be accidental, mind you, but that won’t make the replacements–should you decide to actually replace or repair your damaged goods–any cheaper.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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#9: Kids Hurt Themselves. A Lot. I knew kids got occasional booboos, but I had no idea just how often my kids would hurt themselves. It begins when they can start moving on their own and doesn’t seem to end. They roll into things, fall off things, trip over things, walk into things, choke on things, step on things. Kids are freaking clumsy. Or they often don’t know any better. And don’t get me started on all of the things they will do, intentionally and not, to hurt each other.

Thankfully, although you can absolutely count on your kids getting hurt, most of these injuries will be ones that can be fixed with kisses and a few (or 63) Band-Aids.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#10: Your Kids Are Worth All of It. You have no idea just how much you can love another person until you have kids. It is the fiercest, most intense love you can ever imagine. You will do everything in your power to protect your kids and see that they never come to harm because you helped to create this fragile life. You are responsible for this fragile life. You will understand what it means to be selfless. You will sacrifice for your child. You will do the best you can for your child. You would give your life for your child. You will understand that even though all of the other things are true, having someone to love and be loved unconditionally makes it all worth it.

About the writer

Mackenzie and her husband have three children, ages 5, 3 and 1. When she is not busy deejaying dance parties, fighting off ferocious dinosaurs, or changing diapers, Mackenzie spends her "free" time working as a freelance editor, attempting to keep up with the dishes and laundry, and chasing the ever elusive dream some may know as sleep. Find her on her blog, Raising Wild Things, on Twitter @rsnwildthings and Facebook.


Chase Anderson 1 month ago

None of my kids do this shit, even when they were 4 years old. This article is a lie.

Arlene 2 months ago

These are all true. Its funny and hilarious way of stating facts about kids. But really, parenting is a serious job and sometimes I wish I could turn back time and just had a dog and bird instead. But then again, how will I know if I had not got the chance to raised 2 boys, 11 and 4. It’s all worth it anyways.

AmiBeth Whitney-Alvarado 6 months ago

As far as kids and sleep I think a couple things were missed nightmares/monsters under the bed or sleeping with kids in your bed. When my son was little we, of course, went through the scared of the dark phase. There were light sensing nightlights in every outlet in the house (you know the kind. They come on automatically when the room darkens and they come in like 20 packs at Costco because they know that you 25 outlets that need nightlights. So you spend the extra money for the second giant pack and add the spares to the bin full of specialty sized batteries that takes up a third of your linen closet. Because God forbid there should be a toy in the house that doesn’t require 24 batteries that can only be purchased at battery stores or on Amazon. Thank god for Amazon. Anyway…) So we made it through scared of the dark only to immediately begin fighting off night time monsters. A friend of mine recommended “monster repellent spray.” This is a spray bottle of water that you can let the kids spray around their room to keep monsters at bay. This worked for about a week. Thank you sweet baby Zeus a whole week! But then the monsters became immune to the spray. I can clearly recall when this happened because I did what any normal sleep deprived human would do. I growled and shouted threats at the invisible intruders at the top of my lungs. “This is my house and my rules. No one stays here who doesn’t pay rent or do chores (monsters never tiddy up after themselves). If I catch you in my house I will tear you apart and beat you to death!” Mom is scarier than the monsters so they stayed away for quite a while. And I’m grateful my neighbors didn’t call CPS while I was yelling death threats in my children’s bedroom.

But sometimes it doesn’t matter how many nightlights you have, the strength of your monster repellent, or how vicious your monster smack talk is. Sometimes the monsters just won’t leave or there are nightmares or sometimes I think life gets too darn busy and our kids just miss us and want to be close. These are the nights you choose between sleeping on the floor next to a toddler bed or letting a ninja octopus sleep in your bed. And I know people who will say you should never let your child sleep with you. Let them cry it out. Look, when life is hard and I’m sad or scared and just want my husband to hold me so I can fall asleep, if in that moment he told me to just go cry it out on my own it wouldn’t make me a stronger more independent person. It would just hurt my feelings and make me fantasize ways to be mean to his daddy bits. So I’m a bad hippy parent and let my kids sleep with me when they need to. And with the security of knowing that they won’t be turned away, they rarely need to crawl into my bed. But sometimes my youngest will ask if she can “just ‘nuggle for a couple minutes? Pleeeeeease?” She knows that I have a Pavlovian response to snuggling with her. Perhaps it takes my brain back to the first few nights of her life when I would hold her to nurse her in the NICU and I would fall asleep there. That was the only time I could sleep until we brought her home. And now she knows if she snuggles really close and is still for just a couple minutes that will trigger the kill switch in Mommy’s head. But falling asleep is easy. What is hard is staying sleep while someone is kicking your head (how do they do that? How do they end up feet on the pillow and head down?) or a body composed only of elbows and knees, countless elbows and knees, is crawling on top of you. But the hardest part is getting up the next morning. Your neck is stiff from holding your head at an odd angle to dodge karate kicks and the arm they fell asleep on has pins and needles. It may be hours or days before you finally feel your pinky and ring finger again. But somehow I think I actually sleep better holding them. Sometimes I think I need these extra moments of snuggling even more than they do.

Olivia 7 months ago

I’m fourteen and understood all of this. I’m not a parent, but I am a babysitter. This article was hilarious (and very, very true).

Lisa 7 months ago

I had to stop several times because I was laughing so hard that I tears were flooding my eyes and I couldnt see to read!! SO HYSTERICAL!!! and she hit it dead on!

Elizabeth 7 months ago

This is the most accurate parenting blog post I have ever read in all of my years as a mother. I was reading this a loud to my husband and he was laughing and interrupting every one of these points to reaffirm it’s truth in our house. Just last night or two-year-old decided to break convention and wake up at 4 AM. There was no putting her back to bed. Then, as I was reading the food post she took a bite of my scrambled eggs, then spit it back out on my plate.

Kelly 7 months ago

Um, yes to all of this. It doesn’tattet if I vacuum 6 times a day, there are ALWAYS ALWAYS crumbs! Or ripped up paper, or broken crayons, or hair pulled out of my little ponies ass… It’s ALWAYS something. Once I even borrowed my neighbors dog to come in and “vacuum” all the good crumbs up so I didn’t have to run the vacuum and wake my napping toddlers. Yeah bitch. I went there. Ha! The author forgot to mention the “finger print boarder” that will magically appear around every single wall in the house that’s about 2-3 feet up from floor level. EVERY FUCKING WALL! And it doesn’t matter how many times you wash the walls down, it ALWAYS comes back, and with a vengeance!

Jess 7 months ago

My 3 year old started a random dinner time conversation with the fact that his dad and I have hair on our butts…

Maya Tyler 7 months ago

Very funny, well written – so very true!!! I have kids and nodded my head the entire time I was reading!

Amanda H 7 months ago

the needyness !! SOOO touched out ! I used to like being touched ,now I ‘m like honey I dont want to freaking cuddle

Oncactus 9 months ago

Sometimes I think things would be easier if we’d never begun walking on two legs and venturing into the savannah, leading us to our current, modern world. Our fellow primates have it far easier…

Emily 9 months ago

I am fifteen, and I don’t have any children. I knew all of these though. I babysit for a mother of three boys.

a father 11 months ago

except number 10, all these descriptions are untrue, or at least ‘not necessarily so’. I’ve raised three (the youngest now 19). Kids follow exactly your expectations and they emulate their parents. Expect them to be smelly dirty needy etc, they’ll do it for you, especially of you set the example.
So perhaps best start by watching your Ps&Qs around the little one.

Suzanne 12 months ago

If people really knew, I mean REALLY KNEW, what it’s like to be a parent the race would die out because no one in their right mind would willingly go through the process of raising a child. And I would like to add one more thing to the list: the emotional pain all parents suffer. Just ask a parent whose child has a serious illness, or one whose child is bullied. There is no pain like the pain of a parent who is helpless to relieve the suffering of their child. And how about those of us who did a decent job of it but still agonize over our mistakes or wish we had done a better job? Yes, children bring lots of joy but that joy doesn’t come cheap.

Kat Owens 1 year ago

Meant love isn’t defined by blood, got to love technology

Kat Owens 1 year ago

Lol love this post, I don’t have any kids and never EVER will lol, I babysit two crazy boys three times a week for the past two years and O.M.G they are not even 100% mine and so much of this stuff happens to me. I just gave up on my car and my clothes when I have them and idk what it is but them and my three brothers but they are so gross all the time. I would be overjoyed if all they did was eat boogers and when I have them (brothers and two crazy boys) over at my house the whole place has to be cleaned thoroughly afterwards and I have to hide anything breakable. Idk how my mom raised the five of us, cause kids are so much work. Loved the post those, only thing i dont agree with is number ten you can love someone that much or more and they not be your kid because love is defined by blood :)

Joan 1 year ago

Yes all true except for the last bit at least for me and I know a lot of research bears this out it most definatly was not worth it. Thankfully my youngest has moved out and now I realize that we only have one life and if I had my time iver I would have squeezed a ton more out of my life that i missed out on raising a family especially in todays ever increasing over populated world. Now i can start catching up on living life again, think long and hard about having kids if you want a more one dimensional life have kids if you want a life rich in experience and adventure, freedom develop your mind and have time to absorb wisdom then join the child free crowd.

    Suzanne 12 months ago

    Excellent point. The only people who should have kids are those who truly want them and are willing to commit their lives to raising them no matter what. Too many people have kids for the wrong reasons and they and their children suffer for it.

Katey 1 year ago

After reading all this and being horrified by the children I know (ibcluding my bosses feral brood), honestly, what is the actual point of having kids (other than to continue the human race, the desire for which is franky questionable also)? Why would you actually want children?!!

    Kat Owens 1 year ago

    It is all about what you want from your life now and in the future. Having kids is hell of hard and exhausting but having a bigger family, watching them grow, teaching them, guiding them and putting life into them makes some peoples lives worth the ride. For some people they get fulfillment from being that important to another being and for those reasons it is a great thing. But for other people (like myself) it isn’t something I want because once you have kids it is a forever deal. It isn’t 18 years and done and I just couldn’t bear to share my husband at all let alone the rest of my life. Once you have kids you never just get holidays or your life back and that isn’t a bad thing if you want it. Having kids is a choice not a must have, everyone is different :)

Susan 1 year ago

As the mother of three, step-mother of four and grandmother of two, this brought back some interesting memories and definitely made me laugh out loud. Totally true…every single thing! Much easier now looking back, when I get a full nights sleep and can nap when I want…heck I can do whatever I want whenever I want…but after raising 6 girls and 1 boy, I deserve it!!!

Angel 1 year ago

Definite incentive for birth control. The author of this article is an amazing and humorous writer. I was laughing throughout the whole thing. I am married and do not want kids. Actually after reading this article, my beliefs have been reinforced. I definitely think it’s an article everyone should read before having kids, or even before becoming pregnant. I knew some of these things, like that kids poop a lot and are super honest because I have nieces and nephews.

WHATever I want 1 year ago

My boy wants to keep cereal boxes. wtf?

WHATever I want 1 year ago

I had to cover my mouth I laughed do hard, don’t want to wake anybody up. ALL TRUE!

Tonya Sandoval 1 year ago

This had me lol…every word of it is true.

Mary Hunt 1 year ago

Ain’t that the truth!

kayla 1 year ago

4 boys all between the ages of 12 and 5 and I’m telling you I’ve never read anything more true. Boys are dirty messy sticky things 99% of the time. I haven’t peed by myself in 12 years. On the upside of things the 12 year old is almost old enough for paybacks. Lol

Anon 1 year ago

Scratch Number 10.

Anju@TravelingNoodles.com 1 year ago

Copulating toys…… so so so true. I am thinking of going without furniture and rugs and throws for a couple of years till toyland subsides.

EJay 1 year ago

Everyone who has kids says number 10 because people want to feel right and maybe even good about their decision to have kids. It’s a coping mechanism and a cultural expectation. Such B.S. Also, I do not have kids but know 1-9. Hence my reason for NOT having kids, among other things.

Yasette López 1 year ago

Yeeeessss i agree in all been tru all n more

Gabriella Vagnoli 1 year ago

She forgot to say how loud kids are. Like all the time . Like you will never watch a show without subtitles on. Or never have a conversation with your husband again. Unless you learn sign language that is.

Annette McCluskey 1 year ago

~It’s so true, but we wouldn’t trade them for anything!!

kit 1 year ago

And this is why I have no desire for kids…..f that!

    Angel 1 year ago

    Preach it sista!

April Sumner 1 year ago

I knew all of that before having kids. Years of working in a daycare, babysitting, teaching dance to kids and my mom running a daycare out of our house-taught me every single one of those things. I really was not surprised by much when I had kids except how hard breastfeeding was and how hard twins were, but that was the only part I had no real experience with.

Amy 1 year ago

You forgot their bladders are perfectly synced with yours. Never fails, when they see me go upstairs to the bathroom, all of my children have to go too, even if I ask if they have to go a few minutes before (“no mommy, I don’t have to go potty”).

Dan 1 year ago

That was fucking perfect. Every word. I have three kids: 5, 2, 1 years old respectively. That was so on point. And hilarious…. Well done!

Carlie Aultman 1 year ago

Totally #5 right now. Lol!

Jaana Martin 1 year ago

The eye. Twitching.

Melissa Munkers 1 year ago

#1 and #9 are at the top of my list. Gotta go, the baby just tripped, over nothing.

Michele Karwoski 1 year ago

A great read.

Alina Chanthamontry 1 year ago

i still want one ❤️

    Kat Owens 1 year ago

    Then you mam will be a good mother indeed.

Meadow Newton 1 year ago

This is possibly the most accurate article ever written!

Jami 1 year ago

Oh my!! So true! We have 4 kids and I’m amazed at the crap they can get into/destroy (all within a 10 second time frame!!)

T-Roy Wirewing 1 year ago

Ya! Like, is this new info to anyone? I have no kids and all of that is what I’m looking forward to and thats just the obvious easy to deal with stuff. Kids are chaos! That’s why they rule!

Abbie Kerber 1 year ago

This is perfect!

Lisa Leichliter Woodbridge 1 year ago

So true!!!

Barbara Mastroddi-Lackey 1 year ago

YES. All of it. And #3 especially; that, coupled with a child who tends to be more like a tween version of Oscar Madison, doesn’t make life easy — and I only have one. I keep telling my daughter she’ll be on a future episode of “Hoarders” if she doesn’t start letting go of certain items. (At which point I’ve been known to do stealth cleaning/discarding and hoping she won’t comment on why she can’t find a certain item…)

Marisa Gingrich 1 year ago

Great article!!! Thanks for the laughs :)

Shahgufta Ali Khan 1 year ago


Stephanie Stach 1 year ago

My gosh that’s long! People with kids don’t have time to read all of that :) by #6 I was just reading the bold words.

    Rheanna Rocha 1 year ago

    Me too

Deirbhille McClure Milloy 1 year ago

I love this!! My kids are my everything! 16,13 and 9. The hardest job ever is raising them but the best experience!! I learn so much about myself and being a parent makes me want to be the best human being I can be.

Dawn Miller 1 year ago

All of the reasons I don’t want kids summed up in one article! Lol

Mikey Qui 1 year ago

First thing i didn’t know-i don’t want kids. End of list. Hahaha

Bruce Howard 1 year ago

How true.

Wendy 1 year ago

And if you think that things will change when they just grow up a little, substitute “teen ager” for every point above. There’s no escaping it folks.

Vicki Lesage 1 year ago

SO needy! I expected to have my hands full but man, they are at least eleventy times needier than I anticipated. I’m typing this one-handed because I can’t put one of them down. Gah. But, as you point out in #10, they’re worth it. How else would I have improved my one-handed typing speed?

Jennifer Alban Stoney 1 year ago

OMG I laughed so hard reading this! Sooooooo true!!!

Shannon K. Overcash Valverde 1 year ago

#7 they say the darnedest things and totally #10

Alina Hake 1 year ago

Every single one of these is absolutely true! Summed it up perfectly!

Angel 1 year ago

Someone forgot to tell me that i would let my children’s existence overtake mine. We didn’t have our girls until about eight years in. I struggle to remember what we did before they came along. How did we fill our time? It’s all good. Wouldn’t change a thing. We will get our free time back soon enough.

Roxanne Ford 1 year ago

This is just something mums say to make themselves feel better before I had a child, I knew this stuff, now I’ve had a child, I have stuck to all the things I said I would or wouldn’t do. I don’t choose to “impart my wisdom” on anybody. I choose to mind my own bloody business and it’s about time other people did the same.
It’s like people saying “you need eyes everywhere when they start walking” why? Do they go from sitting still to walking overnight to make you feel the need to share that information with me? Did I sleep through the crawling and climbing stage, when I didn’t need my eyes? Pfft.

Tim Murray 1 year ago

Most of them are also communists

Lore Rooney-Chappell 1 year ago

Love this…. #3….. Oh friggin #3….

Jessica Green 1 year ago

Totally #3 and #4!!!!

Merav Israel Brown 1 year ago

Laughing so
Hard that I am Crying from this. #3 is dead on

Rebecca S. Riblet 1 year ago

I did exactly that…. Rolled my eyes before kids…. Now I laugh as my first time parent friends have extravagant plans for their “perfect” kids and how they are going to do it so different than everyone else… Now I roll my eyes for a different reason and laugh silently inside.

Candace Lee 1 year ago

It doesn’t really take having children to know these things; most are easy to observe if you have ever been around a child. I have personally experienced all of these things from being an aunt. My sister lived with me after the birth of her first child so I was able to witness all variety of horrific things. My niece has thrown up in my mouth, peed on my clothes, and pooped on my hands, but I still love her more than words can explain.

Sarah Carpenter 1 year ago

I knew all this before i had a child just some people do some people dont

Amanda Sartain 1 year ago

Love #10

Lea Harris 1 year ago

I’d also like to add: so how babies are capable of releasing their entire bowels. And the laws of gravity do not apply to diaper blowouts. I was shocked when I picked up my son out of his car seat to find him up to his neck in crap after a short ride to the store.

Sandra Robertson Verescak 1 year ago

Hmmmmm…I either have a real bad memory or my 3 children were angels. I can’t honestly relate to much of this beyond a few things .Except, of course, No.10 is a given!

Kristin Kestler 1 year ago

Love this! #6 is especially true in our house. And #10!!

Diana Tyree 1 year ago

Awesomely true!! Lol

Sharon Hammill 1 year ago

So true. But I have to bite my tongue really hard not to say it… cause when I didn’t have kids, smarmy parents telling me ‘you have no idea’ did my head in!

Kara Fox 1 year ago

Hell to the yes.

Sheila Mitchell Snell 1 year ago

Love this!!!

Shoshannah Smyser 1 year ago

That was hilariously true.

Pj Jennings 1 year ago

So happy, I know all of this.

Heather Pavlik 1 year ago

This should be printed and handed out in every high school across America. Read it kids.

A Patty Trussell 1 year ago

oh how true all this is and I love the way she worded it all, lol

Crystal Cross 1 year ago

This is SO true.

Mandi Diehl 1 year ago

I remember being proud when I caught vomit in my hand for the first time. Now it’s 2nd nature.

Jo Po 1 year ago

Wow. This is spot on.

Heather Hulen 1 year ago

Spot on! A must read!

Magdalena Grabowska-Stopyra 1 year ago

Love that one sooo true

Malinda Jackson 1 year ago

FREAKING HILARIOUS!! OMG and soooo true! Had me cracking up and thinking “oh em gee that is soooo Serenity (dd age 5) or Brandon (ds age 7)” =D Thanks for an awesome post.. I think I need to see if I’m already subscribed to you or not and if I’m not, need to correct that ASAP!

Bonnie Klein 1 year ago


Amanda Jackson 1 year ago

Every single word of this is 100% true. And it never ends. My kids are 10 and 12 and they are still running amuck the damage is different but it’s still done. And I still love them more than life itself.

Lisa Kropp Stevens 1 year ago

Boogers, lots and lots and lots of boogers. On their faces, my clothes, the couch, the cat, inside your cup of coffee.

Lisa Franzen 1 year ago

#9. I should own stock in Band-Aids.

Amy Thompson 1 year ago

Love it! Very true…

beth 1 year ago

Best. Article. Ever.

Sonja Jones 1 year ago

Love your blog. So intelligent and funny.

Fallon Alexis Mateos 1 year ago

#3, OMG yes, they want to keep every piece of junk they ever touched. AND with my first son we had everything organized, now… well you pretty much covered it. #9 Hell yes, especially with two boys, I don’t even flinch anymore. #10… for sure, it’s always what I tell my soon to be parent friends after all the warning, they are worth it without question.

Becky Whitton 1 year ago

#9 is the biggest one for my son now. He has bumped his head 3x in 3 days & now has a bump, a bruise & a scratch on his forehead. I guess that’s what happens to toddlers.

Laura King 1 year ago

Great facts.great read

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 1 year ago

Ahh number #5!!!


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