10 Things You Don’t Need For Baby

769 Comments

Baby-Shoes

So you’ve just walked into Babies R Us for the first time ever and one of the employees (who either had a lobotomy or needs one) hands you this little booklet that has a list of allllllllllll the shit you’re going to need for the upcoming arrival of your little poop-machine.

And that’s where the fun begins! And by fun I mean the crazy torture of going up and down each and every aisle trying to figure out whether you need f’ing nipple shields or Butt paste. The correct answer is yes and yes.

With that said, man did we buy a lot of crap for Baby #1. Baby #2, on the other hand, got all hand-me-downs. Yup, every single little thing. Yes, even the diapers. And no they weren’t cloth. I don’t care how good cloth diapers are for the environment, there ain’t no way I’m putting turds into my washing machine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except for the fact that you’re putting turds into your washing machine (awwww shit, here come the comments). But I digress.

So here goes. A bunch of crap I bought when I was having a baby that I now know was a total waste…

1. A fancy bedding set. Like two seconds after you tear open your fancy bedding package a Babycenter email appears in your inbox. Ding! Bumpers killed 9 million babies last year! (FYI, I like to exaggerate, it was only like 7 million) Okay then, no problemo, you just won’t use the bumpers. And then you’re reading your What to Expect book and it tells you what to expect in the first year: expect your baby to die if you put a blanket in his crib. Okay then, you’ll just throw the quilt on the back of the nursing chair for decoration, which totally doesn’t work because then your head is all shoved forward when you sit in the chair. So basically you’ve just spent a bazillion dollars on a single fitted crib sheet. A single sheet that is about to be destroyed when your newborn poops his brains out the first night home from the hospital. And I don’t care how much Shout you use, that shit stain ain’t coming out. So you have two choices: A. Don’t buy the totally adorable bedding set to begin with or B. Buy a set with a lovely brown amoeba pattern all over it so the shit stains blend in.

2. Clothes that go over a newborn’s head. Have you ever tried to put clothes on a newborn? Impossible. You’re all like, my new baby has a really strong neck until you’re pulling that really cute onesie over her head to take her home from the hospital and suddenly her neck is like jello and her head falls off and you’re screaming NURSE! NURSE! and she’s walking in all cool and collected like they see this shit all the time. Well, at least that cute leopard-print onesie with the Burberry trim is soooo adorable maybe no one will notice that your child is headless.

3. A wipes warmer. Yeahhh, that’s what you want to do, let baby get used to having his royal ass cleaned with a wipe that’s been heated to the perfect temperature. ‘Cause then do you know what happens? You’re out in public trying to change his diaper and he throws a conniption because your wipes in the diaper bag are freezing and his ass has turned into a total pussy (wait, that’s not right). Besides, do you think someone like the Fonz had warm wipes when he was a tike (tyke?)? No way, no how. Because people who have warm wipes as infants turn into douchebags. No, I don’t have any examples, but it seems pretty damn obvious. So unless your Mum is Kate F’ing Middleton, no one’s heating your stupid wipes.

4. Shoes for your newborn. Newsflash, babies can’t walk. Plus, if you stare really hard at your baby’s feet you can literally see them growing, kind of like how if you stare really hard at a clock without blinking you can see the minute hand moving. So basically putting a newborn’s growing feet in shoes is akin to Chinese foot binding. Yes, I know those two-inch Air Jordans are like the cutest things in the whole wide world but maybe I forgot to mention, BABIES CAN’T WALK much less dunk a basketball, except maybe those roller-skating Evian babies.

5. Expensive baby clothes. This one’s pretty much the same as the last part of #1. Just buy a lot of cheap stuff from Tarjay or once again, buy everything with a brown amoeba pattern on it.

6. A fancy stroller. If you’re the kind of person who bought your house outright without a mortgage, I hate you. Wait, no, that’s not what I meant to say. If you’re that kind of person, by all means, buy a fancy delancy stroller. I remember standing in the middle of a high-end toy store while a woman half my size demonstrated the bugabooger to me. “Push this button, then this one and voila it’s so compact it fits in the palm of your hand.” And then I remember this. Standing in the middle of the parking lot at Scabies R Us and I couldn’t get my damn fancy stroller to collapse because it had like 9,000 doodads and buttons and levers and thingamajigs. These days I’m like just give me a simple umbrella stroller, and if I want something fancier I’ll buy it for half the price on Craigslist. You know, in case I decide to chuck it across the parking lot and then drive over it with my minivan.

7. A baby bathtub. Guess what, your house already came with one. WHAT?! The realtor didn’t tell you?!! Hello brainiac, it’s called a sink. But wait, my sink doesn’t look like a cute whale or a duck! No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t cost an extra $30. Or come in a weird ass shape that doesn’t fit in any logical place in your bathroom. And guess what, your kiddo’s not thinking, “It’s not fair, Javier down the street has a bathtub that looks like a turtle and I don’t.” All he’s thinking is, “Aggghhh, who the hell is pouring goddamn water on my head?! I’m gonna scream as loud as humanly possible until they stop!”

8. Car seats. I mean, WTF is it with everyone getting these things?! Nahhhh, just kidding. Seriously, I’m kidding. Really.

9. The Bumbo Seat. There are all these companies out there that make stupid products to help your kid hit some milestone they’re gonna hit anyway, like the Bumbo. In case you don’t know, this is a little seat that props your kid up before he can actually sit up. You’re gonna hear all these jackasses, I mean really nice moms, say that their kiddo wasn’t sitting up and then she got him the Bumbo and whatta you know, two weeks later the kid was sitting up. All because of this magic fucking chair. Ehhhhh, wrong. Your kid is sitting up because he’s 6+ months old. Not because you forced him to use his Bumbo and work his muscles into a damn six-pack like Mike the Situation from Jersey Shore.

10. Pee-pee teepees. FYI, pee-pee teepees are just a cute present people buy because their gift only came to $15 and they needed a $5 item to make it expensive enough. Oh, and they’re always people who never had a boy so they have no idea that pee-pee teepees don’t stay on, but of course, you never realize it’s fallen off until your kid starts spraying you with urine and some of it gets in your mouth.

Comments

  1. 1

    My Half Assed Life says

    Where were you when I had babies? I bought shoes. Cute look like little leather boots shoes.

    Then I tried to put them on.

    Did you know babies have this magical ability to do something to their foot that completely blocks that shoe from going on? The foot seems all rubbery and flexible but no, it’s actually formed into the exact shape that will never ever go into a shoe. Once you think you are almost there something makes them giggle and when the giggle they kick their feet so the half on shoe flies right back off.

    I spent half an hour, a lot of curses and some major sweat trying to get just ONE on. After that – my kids just wore slippers.

    • 2

      Amy S says

      Yep, I had that same experience with babies and shoes. So, I tied the laces together and hung them on a peg in the nursery for decoration. And to remind me when kids 2 and 3 came along to not even try to put them on their feet.

    • 4

      Marian says

      When my kids were little (40+ years ago) they had to wear high top shoes. Getting those on fat feet was the worst. (We are on to great grands now and they go barefoot a lot).

  2. 5

    Mandi says

    I know the wipes warmer isn’t necessary, but it’s nice to have, my baby is alot like me and has always gotten cold very easily, she was always shivering…so my MIL bought us a wipes warmer, made diaper changes alto nicer for my small baby. :)
    The rest I agree with, completely pointless. Especially that damn car seat, who needs em. ! :P

    • 6

      Marti says

      Do you know wipe Warner’s can grow bacteria and Peds don’t recommend you use them….just a little safety tip for your little ones lady parts!

      • 7

        Mandi says

        Never really researched on the topic (although I might now) all I know is that the one I got says that the thing in the bottom is meant to prevent the growth of bacteria…but I suposse they all say something like that, doesn’t necessarily make it true. Thanks for the tip.

        • 9

          Sarah says

          I don’t see how they can prevent the growth bacteria. Most bacteria grow optimally at room temp or slightly above. My cousin had one for her son. I told we weren’t using one because I was preparing my kids for the cold cruel world.

          • 10

            katrina says

            As an alternative, my mum always said, if you know your bub has a poo, get out the wipes first, scrunch them in your hands and take the chill off of them that way. Totally portable.

        • 12

          Jason says

          Like diapers. They are warm moist and sometimes are provided a little food on top of that. Bacteria club med, just saying.

      • 13

        Victoria says

        Actually, they are meant to be emptied daily. No more than 24 hours, if you put a naturally antimicrobial agent in the water (such as tea tree) its just fine. I am on my third baby and am an extreme minimalist, but because I cloth diaper, I like the warmer. You can just put water and a little essential oil and a soap star in and you can wet your wipes as you go. Just saying.

        • 14

          LeeAnn says

          So you mean you’re not a minimalist. You’ve named an extra 3 things and cloth diapers = high maintenance.

          • 15

            Crystal says

            And buying diapers and wipes that you just throw away IS minimalist? I think cloth diapering in much more minimalist and not high maintenance.

          • 16

            Megan says

            You’re funny. And by “funny”, I mean snarky and not funny. Cloth diapering isn’t high maintenance-that’s a typical uneducated comment from someone who has likely never tried it. Making a wipe solution for reusable cloth wipes (which is what she’s talking about) isn’t high maintenance either…again, you probably wouldn’t know, having never done it. Am I right? No need to answer, I’m sure I am. It takes a few minutes, and lasts months. Sounds so high maintenance.

            • 18

              Suzanne says

              I have used cloth diapers and it was a wonderful green idea. My mom used cloth diapers so with my first, I tried as well. I no longer use cloth diapers. First you have to rinse off the poo and pee which is really gross but as a mom, it’s like wiping noses. Then they have to sit and gather in a pile because you have to wash more than one or its a waste of water. This doesn’t sound to hard…yeah. My daughter had a sensitive bottom so you had to keep an eye on the wetness. The plastic covers seemed to cut into the skin. Diaper rashes left me frantic and I never seemed to have enough cloth diapers. When I went out I used disposable diapers. After a few months of headache, guess what…I use disposable. Less diaper rashes (And I was an avid changer), less time consuming and less cost because the washer and dryer are not constantly used. Sorry, Just not rich enough for a diaper service. I think the cloth diaper is like breastfeeding. Some can do it and some can’t and those of us who have tried, well, more power to those that persevered. I just want more time with my baby and less time doing laundry. Oh,and do the amoeba onesies come in yellow.

              • 19

                Kyle says

                Actually cloth diapers are no greener than disposable, unless you are hand-washing those things. The electricity from the washer and dryer, as well as the unseen environmental cost for the city to clean that water, results in harmful impacts on the environment.

                There are many reasons to use cloth diapers, but when it comes to being green, cloth diapers have about the same carbon footprint as disposables

                • 20

                  gaga says

                  Not accurate Kyle. That is propaganda from Proctor and Gamble. The energy, resources and chemicals plus the water ruined by making the pulp to make the chemical diapers make disposables a much less environmentally friendly method than cloth. Also you need to take into account the gas to transport them, and then the fact that we don’t knnow how long they take to break down in a landfill setting. No, cloth isn’t perfect, but since I’m not prepared to let my child run around without a diaper, cloth is a more EF choice.

                • 21

                  Carissa says

                  I personally use cloth because is more wallet friendly. You just have to know how to buy them. The same dips I have for my son, I’ll have for this next baby due in December. I’ve had to re- buy some because when I was first starting out I was clueless as how to wash these high fandangled ones (I was taught how to use the old school dipe pins and rubber pants) but all in all, we came out much cheaper than disposables. Not to say I don’t sometimes wish I used disposables, especially when I’m laying down all day with all day sickness and don’t want to smell ammonia when I wash them. What I’m trying to say is, though I hate the thought of most disposables not degrading and polluting our earth, we moms should not be bashing one another for our personal choices. Some don’t have the choice to use cloth because they work and have to send their kids to daycare. And some moms can’t afford to shell out half their minimal paychecks on disposables.

                • 24

                  Biss says

                  Uh, there are these things called high efficiency washer/dryers. Invest, they’re awesome. Also, not everyone lives in the city, slick. I live on well water. Which is free. And renewable. And chemical free. Another thing, there are these things called clotheslines. They’re an awesome concept. It’s a line, which you hang clothes on to dry. Which, by the way, is free! What, did I say free?! Why, yes, I did! Besides, the sun kills any remaining bacteria in the cloth, and it gets out yummy breastmilk poop stains :) Fabulous.

                • 25

                  Whitney says

                  The study linked above was done in the UK, where most had high efficiency washers and dryers. Chemicals used to make disposable diapers are considered, as are the chemicals used in WASHING diapers. The only scenario in which total carbon footprint was less for reusable diapers was one in which parents used clotheslines.

                • 26

                  Aleshia says

                  Most people I know who use cloth diapers use clothes lines, because drying them in the dryer is not only a waste of energy, but it’s also damaging to diapers. As for the person who had problems with cloth diapers, sometimes they can be difficult, but I buy all in ones or pocket diapers and I’ve never had problems with diaper rash or the diapers hurting baby (never used plastic covers). With my first diaper rash was awful, because of the chemicals in the diapers. Both of my boys have sensitive skin. I also don’t know about the chemicals used in washing, but I know that I use an environmentally friendly soap because it keeps the diapers from clogging and not absorbing anymore, and it keeps my kids from having a reaction.

        • 27

          Rachel says

          We made our own wipes and used a warmer, too. I highly doubt this is spoiling your child, for goodness sakes. It’s just more comfortable. Way to go calling a baby a douche. Classy.

          • 28

            Sloan says

            Pretty sure she didn’t call a baby a douche. She said it would grow up to be one. Also learn to understand sarcasm, I’m sure she isn’t 100% serious about everything she says. Laugh a little….it’ll make you feel better! :P

          • 30

            Anna says

            I thought that was the funniest thing of the whole article- baby’s who use wipe warmers grow up to be douches. That’s hilarious. Why would you ever take that seriously and think she is calling a baby a douche? Lighten up…

      • 31

        Deb says

        Here’s a tip if you want a wipe warmer minus the bacteria and crap. Its called a warm wet washcloth.

        • 32

          Whitney says

          AMEN! It was good enough for most of our butts. Get back to the basics, but use some sense. Help the environment, but not to the point that you take time away from your kid. And remember “What works best for one, doesn’t always work best for others!” and the MOST IMPORTANT – YOU ARE THE MOMMY! YOU KNOW BEST!

      • 33

        Nadine says

        When wipes are kept warm in hospitals, they are only left in the warmer when they are unopened, and there is a limit to how long they can be left in the warmer before they need to be thrown out. I don’t have children yet, so I don’t have an opinion on the use for kids; but the hospitals don’t let wipes go back into the warmers after opening, nor do they stay for very long on a warmer. I would think that using a small plastic baggie for the wipes that you might need in one day, and leaving that in the warmer would be better than risking bacterial overgrowth by leaving the entire pack in the warmer (because doesn’t it take a good week or more to go through the pack of wipes?)

      • 36

        Janine says

        HA! Oh, that’s fantastic. “Retirement present”.

        Warm wipes are also nice for new Mom’s with a case of grapes at the backdoor… nothing like a nice, warm wipe to bring a little pleasure to an uncomfortable situation.

        • 37

          Candace says

          Janine-

          I never thought of that!!!! Someone bought us a wipe warmer when my 19 month old son was born. I’ve used it once… Better believe I’m hooking that thing up in my bathroom tonight! LOL

        • 38

          Becca says

          ba ha ha! Heck yes! Babies can tough it out with cold wipes so they don’t turn into douche bags but new mamas and old people should definitely spoil their poor mistreated behinds. I like the way you think ;)

      • 39

        Tiffany says

        At dinner I told my husband about wipes warmers. He asked if they really made those. I said, yeah, they do. Without batting an eyelash he said, “They didn’t make those for babies. They made those for men after sex.” bahhhahhhaa

      • 40

        Marcy says

        I agree with this statement. :) Yes, we do have wipe warmers in the hospital, and those little old ladies love them!

    • 41

      Lisa says

      Did you know you were born with built it wipe warmers. They are called left hand and right hand. Stick a couple of wipes in the palm of your hands a couple of minutes before changing your little ones and t-da – warm “enough” wipes. ;-)

      • 42

        Mandi says

        Iv actually tried that, found it didn’t actually work very well, all it did was transfer the moisture off of the wipe onto my hand. Probably doesn’t help that my hands are almost always cold though. Lol

      • 43

        Debbie says

        This was the method I always used to warm the baby wipes. There were no wipe warmers when my boys were babies. I also had to use the bottle sterilizers and make up a batch of bottles at night for the next day. We used those baby food trays that you put hot water into and it kept baby food warm without being too hot. Now people just feed their babies out of the baby food jar at room temperature.

      • 44

        4littlecuties says

        Wait… HANDS? I was always using my hands to keep the kiddo from flinging themself off the bed/changing table/couch or from rolling away from me. Yeah my firstborn rolled at 6 weeks old. So I would hold onto squirming baby with one hand and stuff a couple wipes down my bra with the other hand, then by the time I got the kiddo undressed the wipes were warm. I used my cleavage as a paci holder too: nice and warm and smells like the real thing.

      • 46

        mommyT says

        This techique is what we used in our house. Wipe warmers scare me when that notice came out about them starting fires. Hubby and I just rub the wipes between our hands for a few seconds and bammo warm wipes!!

      • 47

        Laura says

        My son was born in the winter and so the wipes were really cold and really ticked my son off! I would stick them in my cleavage to warm them up…and tadaaa wipe warmer free!

    • 48

      4 under 5 says

      I always bought the real cotton premium wipes at Wal-Mart (Parent’s Choice). They tear real easily into four strips. Then I would hold them in my hands & blow warm air on them. Worked just as well.

      • 49

        Emm says

        LOL. i used warm baby washcloths for the first month my son was born (unless we were out) then i used regular good ol’ wipes. and ill do the same for this one on the way :) and i still buy baby shoes, but only 2 pairs lol the soft crib ones :P and cute expensive brand name baby clothes but i get them secound hand hahaha

    • 51

      cami says

      wipes warmer is pretty dumb, imho. first of all, they dry them out (silly things), then as others have noted here, they make a perfect environment for the growth of bacteria. just what you want. my baby has never had one, and has never seemed to have a difficult time with room temperature wipes.

    • 52

      Christine says

      Right in the beginning of each diaper change, I would put the wipe in between my boobs. Sounds funny, and each time it gave me a quick chill, but by the time I was ready for the wipes, my natural body heat warmed the wipes.

  3. 53

    sara says

    I agree with them all… NONE of them are needed. just for the mommies that like to compete in the “who’s mommy has more money” competition. WHO CARES IF YOUR STROLLER WAS 500$!!

        • 56

          Michaela says

          UGH diaper genies are SO gross!!! They stink and are just so unnecessary. Get those things straight to the dumpster.

          • 57

            Chantel says

            I totally agree, it seemed like a good idea so the kitchen garbage didn’t stink so much, but we stopped using it because I couldn’t change the bag without gagging and/or puking. Yuck

          • 59

            Theresa says

            I have to disagree with you on the diaper genie. When my hubby came home with this $60.00 genie, I freaked out at him. But after a few diaper changes (Twins) i was happy. Anyone who came into my house, didn’t know i had one and it was in my main floor bathroom. I guess it’s just the type of genie that actually worked.

            • 60

              Leslie says

              I hate to tell you this, but your friends are being nice. I’ve never gone into a house with a diaper genie and not smelled sh*t lol.

        • 61

          Candace says

          Such an un-needed product.

          It does make one hell of a nice trash can for anything outside of diapers though!
          LoL

        • 64

          Starla says

          I don’t have a diaper genie, but I do have the Arm & Hammer diaper pail. It seems to work really well. I have a very strong gag reflex when it comes to smells (I’m already freaking about how to handle diapers when the solid foods start) but have no problem with our A&H pail.

          • 65

            Leigh Ann says

            I agree with you Starla. I have the A&H diaper pail as well. It was much higher rated than the Diaper Genie and I love it. My mom kept telling me that it was unnecessary and to just use a plastic trash bag and take it immediately out to the garbage. Who has time for that? Especially with the nursery on the second floor of our house. There are some days I don’t even go downstairs. So yeah, I’m really going to make a special “run” to the garbage to throw out a diaper?

            • 66

              Starla says

              I hear you, Leigh Ann. I’m from the north, and I’m not going to be running out to my trash can (at the end of my driveway) 7-8 times a day in a snow storm. LOL

            • 67

              ja--- says

              The A&H is awesome! After hubby changes a few genie (what he called) shit sausage links, he vowed never to own one, instead of regular baking soda we actually use oder neutralizer carpet clearer, still from A&H just a little scented. WORKS PERFECT!

          • 68

            WhatTheHal? says

            I also love my A&H pail! So worth the money. And, Starla, solids aren’t that bad. If you go the traditional cereal, fruits/veggies, protein/ dairy route, you work your way up to the stinky stuff.

            • 69

              Starla says

              Thanks for the tip! :) I think that’s the route we’re going. I don’t get many of the poopy diapers anyway…I work most of the time.

        • 70

          El Toro says

          Yeah. My diaper genie was the trash bin in my garage – it came with the house and was only 10 steps away. Another thing I didn’t bother with when baby #2 was born was a changing table. I kept a changing pad under the bed and did diaper changes on the floor. No more worrying about baby falling out and wondering what to do with the changing table once you were done using it.

          • 71

            cami says

            i keep trying to tell my husband to change the baby on the floor now (we still have a changing table and baby is 7 months). i’m convinced he’s not going to move to the floor until the baby rolls off the table!

            • 72

              Jessica says

              So wait, do you guys not put the poop in the toilet? You do know you are supposed to do that, right? Just like those annoying cloth diapers. Look on the side of the diaper package, it says to put the waste into the toilet. If it goes into the landfill then it gets into the water and soil and THAT causes harmful bacteria and diseases (yup, even more chance of bacteria than a wipes warmer!)

              • 73

                billybob says

                Not possible to empty the poop of a breastfed baby. Not solid turds. All smooshed into the diaper.

  4. 76

    Allie says

    I don’t plan on having any more kids, hell no! But I find new moms amusing sometimes and down right cute. I wasn’t so might as well say they are.

    I bought that wipes warmer. It warmed the bottom half of the wipes not the top. And as I got further down in the pile, they got outright hot! I chucked that thing fast.

    I do need you to clarify the no car seat. I know there are stages of car seats etc. And I do know here in CA you must have a car seat or car whatever to hold you child into until they are like 12 and 80 pounds, it’s crazy, I know. (I may be exaggerating but not much.)

    What is it called that you put your baby in when they are newborns? You can’t just hold them, right?

    ~Allie

    • 77

      Crystal says

      Reread that, she was totally kidding :) But I do have to say the new fangled car seats with all the fanciness to them? Totally not necessary…just a regular, plain, no frills car seat worked just fine for all my kids :)

    • 78

      Dani says

      Here in MO you’re child has to be in at least a booster until they are either 8 or 80 lbs. For my oldest child (who has been off the for height & weight since she was 2) this is not an issue, but for my other two (7 & 5) & her friends they would be riding in booster seats until middle school if it wasn’t for the age thing! And since all of my daughter’s friends are still in booster seats their parents expect her to sit in one when she goes places with with them (and since she is in Girl Scouts this happens a lot). I had to get a note from my pediatrician stating due to my daughters height it’s actually MORE dangerous for her to be in a booster than not because of where the seat belt strap hits her shoulder.

      • 79

        Bride Holland says

        It doesn’t matter how fancy the car seat is…my pet peeve is when I see the seat belt attached but with waaaaayy too much slack. That sucker needs to be snug. I actually thought that I had it snug and then got my bubble burst when I attended a car seat clinic!!

        • 80

          Melissa says

          EXACTLY!!! My best friend was all SUPER SAFETY mom with her daughter and yet she could practically fall out of that carseat!! “She gets unfomfortable…” WHAT? She’s a baby! They sleep with their heads bent way over and the straps are UNCOMFORTABLE? Get real girl! How uncomfortable is she going to be when she’s gone through the windshield because you were all loosey goosey with the straps!? I’d tighten them everytime I watched her. and if they were in my car–it didn’t move until she couldn’t!

      • 81

        misha says

        in colorado they just passed a law in 2011 that kids have to be in booster seat till theyre 12. lmao i dont even remember being in a carseat/booster seat when i was 5 lol

  5. 82

    Tiffany says

    You mean I bought a car-seat for nothing? Damn!

    For reals though, most of these things sound about right to me too, and I still haven’t had the little squirmer yet! But for the newborns, are there outfits that don’t go over the head??

    • 83

      sarah says

      they are called sleepers.. the kind that button all the way down one leg so you have a hell of a time getting the other leg in., some have zippers that have the same issue

      • 84

        Tiffany says

        We’re having a spring baby, so these might not be a good idea, might get too hot. at least with diaper shirts we have options…

        • 85

          Heather M says

          trust me when i say this, go with outfits that have zippers. they are so much easier to deal with especially at 3 am in the dark. Also, the dresses with elastic bottoms are geniusly easy for newborns. my little guy is 11 weeks and it’s a struggle to get the snaps to go together properly in his nether region while he’s all squirmy after a diaper change.

          • 87

            Jenny says

            I preferred snaps, but that was only because my three LOs came home on apnea machines, so they had wires to contend with and you can’t exactly zip them up and have them come out of their neck hole (choking hazard and all that jazz). ;)

            • 88

              Autumn says

              Oh Jenny I bought those snap dresses in every color I could find for my lo and her apnea monitor. She seriously wore nothing else for like 4 months lol.

          • 89

            cami says

            omg, if there is anything i can tell a new or expectant parent to make their life easier – do not get sleepers with snaps!!! they are such a huge pain. i don’t even know why they sell them!! and it can sometimes be hard to find the zipper ones, but it is worth the search. we pretty much never put our lo in any of his snap up sleepers (gifts, we didn’t buy them), especially now that he is squirmy and really strong – hard enough getting him in his jammies as it is.

        • 90

          Melissa says

          You can get lighter cotton sleepers or “sleep n plays”. They really are amazingly easy and still cute for those first few months.

        • 91

          Amanda says

          Unless you’re outside in 100+ degree weather, I wouldn’t worry about the newborn being too hot. Chances are your house is set to a similar temp as it is in the winter, and newborns get cold easily. I had two spring babies and both wore sleepers and pants most of the way through summer unless we were outside in the direct heat.

          • 92

            cami says

            if you’re concerned about your newborn being hot or cold, just put him/her skin to skin with mama. mama’s body has this really insanely cool mechanism that knows to cool a hot newborn and warm a cold one to the right temperature. look it up. we are amazing, us mamas. this stops working after the first month or two (when they can start to stabilize their own body temp) as any mom sweating with her older baby sleeping on her can attest.

    • 95

      K says

      I was terrified to put anything over my guys head for the first three months. But I found that the Carter’s onsies were stretchie enough that I could slip them on over his bum and pull them up!

        • 97

          Jamie says

          all onsies that have the wide necks with the flaps at the shoulders are meant to go over the body and the head. I pull them on over his head, then pull them down so I don’t get poop/pee in his hair if his diaper exploded. Genius, that.

    • 98

      4 under 5 says

      The sleeper bags that are for 0-9 mos that zip up are the absolute best. It won’t be too hot if you use a onsies & have the a/c on. No fighting to get their little legs in.

    • 99

      Starla says

      I love the sleep ‘n’ plays. When he was a newborn, we used a lot of the gerber long sleeve shirts that look like wrap shirts and snap open. Only three snaps, very easy. (Winter baby, so long sleeves was a must.) I actually wish they made them larger…I miss how easy they were to put on!

    • 100

      WhatTheHal? says

      Hal spit-up a lot, so ,if we were home, he wore a diaper. Considering I didn’t get dressed either (breastfeeding), I just turned the heat up. Now that we’re past that, he wears onesies. But only the ones with shoulder flaps. And I say “peek-a-boo” whenever I get it over his head…like “making you scream is all fun and games”.

    • 101

      NanLT says

      The absolute best item of clothing I ever had for any of my babies was an oversized cotton t-shirt type thing with a drawstring at the bottom.

      No muss, no fuss. And easy as the dickens to get the little darlings in and out of.

  6. 102

    lesbomom says

    I had a fancy stroller with the car seat attachment and the cupholder and the sunglasses holder…but I’ll be damned if that stuff didn’t break right off. And the cupholder became a bottle holder. And when did I ever take my sunglasses off?? If they weren’t on my head they were keeping my hair out of my face!!! That being said…my grandmother bought it because I was her favorite.

    Wipes warmer schmipes schmarmer. :)

    I will disagree with your statement about cloth – I didn’t put turds in my washer. Those went down the toilet like they are supposed to. Even disposable diaper packages say to flush the turds down the toilet. But – to each their own – cloth is not for everyone. Heck – somedays I WISHED it wasn’t for me. :)

    And I did have the fancy bedding set. It was adorable. The frog king. Too bad Munchkin co-slept. Hmmmm

  7. 103

    mommagem says

    haha I used and um yea do know you have to rinse the poop off first right? and they have these things called liners that make the job SOOOO much easier! but as far as the Car seat things goes I totally get that I mean WHY are there so freaking many choices! they should all come with a brown amoeba pattern whats up with all the bells a whistles it’s a seat that goes into the back of your car that your child is going to demolish on the ride home and newsflash it’s going to be covered by blankets 99% of the time!

    • 105

      Dana says

      I was going to say that too. You’re supposed to dump the poo into the toilet and then put the diaper into a diaper pail in between laundry loads.

      Actually, you’re supposed to dump the poo out of a disposable diaper too–of course, none of us actually do that.

      Anyway, what’s left isn’t much more than the skid marks your husband already leaves in his undershorts. So you already wash poo… you just wind up washing more poo because there are more people in your house now.

      If you have a washer and dryer and are good at keeping up with your laundry detergent supply (not one of those people who keeps forgetting to go to the store and therefore puts off laundry for two freaking months, constantly buying new undies ’cause there aren’t any more clean ones), cloth diapers are less of a pain than having to run to the store in a panic ’cause your kiddo’s on the last one and has had the runs today.

      But of course that’s a personal choice. Just providing more data for making said choice.

  8. 107

    DiscoDeb says

    What is it with SM and the vitriol towards cloth diapers? Who in the world would put a turd in their washer instead of the toilet?
    Anyway, I keep telling new moms to not spend money for their fetus on anything that is “cute”, because it won’t be with a layer of spitup on it. But no one listens to me. One of my friends got a white rug for her baby’s nursery. Fool!
    And YES to not putting stuff over a baby’s head. For the first 2 months, my kid lived in zip-up sleepers and kimono-style tops.

    • 108

      Jennifer says

      Maybe no one listens to you because you sound like a major B who so obnoxiously refers to their unborn children as fetuses. Just a thought.

    • 114

      Miranda says

      Yeah there’s a difference in between being snarky and being a complete tool. I think you crossed the line a little bit. Hope you’re not this critical to your “fetus”.

    • 115

      Whit says

      Kudos for using “fetus”, as that is the correct term. Fertilized egg -> zygote -> embryo -> fetus -> newborn -> infant -> toddler -> child -> adolescent -> adult.

      Frankly, I don’t see why all those other people have their knickers in a bunch.
      Uh-oh, did I just say “knickers” instead of “panties”? Now I’m gonna get yelled at too.

      • 117

        DavAnthony says

        Don’t understand all the hating here. Y’all are some mean girls. Nothing DiscoDeb posted was any worse than the entire blog you just read above.
        And she has a good point, no one puts turds in a washing machine. Jokes are funnier when a part of it rings true. Making things up threatens your credibility. The turd in the washing machine takes away from an otherwise really funny post.

  9. 119

    Amanda says

    I had twins. I was given two baby tubs, neither of which came with receipts or with the barcode still attached and neither of which would even nest together. Where did my boys bathe? In the bathtub while my husband held them because they both HATED the baby bathtubs.

  10. 120

    Christy says

    I absolutely LOVE you! Thank you for your honesty. I agree with everything above! Thank you for keeping it real and telling it like it is! I will come to you for all advice from now on!

  11. 123

    Katlin says

    Crib bedding…I would only have needed that if I had a crib. Every single one of my three babies slept tight next to me…now if I could only get them out. It is kinda cramped in a queen size been with eight, six and four year olds laying claim to your pillow.

    And that fancy stroller comes with a lot of straps too. First walk we took with our newborn I clipped her in like we were on a roller coaster. Funny thing was newborns don’t really move much, and those straps are hard to unclip when they are screaming about who knows what.

    But no baby bath tub…What! You mean to suggest I put their little naked bum in toothpaste globs? No way!

    • 124

      Ashley says

      You’re supposed to put them in the kitchen sink. Much bigger, and easier to clean before and after the bath. I’m one of 4 and we were all bathed in the kitchen sink until we were old enough to bathe together.

      • 125

        Katlin says

        Bathe together! What craziness…just kidding.

        I also bathed all my children in what ever sink I could until they could attempt to sit up in the big tub with their sisters. My oldest thought it was great fun to grab the sprayer hose from the kitchen sink…it was then that we moved her to the big tub to avoid a full drenching.

        • 126

          4 under 5 says

          I had a tub that had a little drain hose & I left the tub on the bathroom counter, next to the sink and used a washer hose attached to my sink nozzle with a garden adjustable spout on the other end. It was magnificent! Once they could sit up into the tub they went.

      • 127

        Autumn says

        We did this $10 ducky blow up tub for the time between when lo was too old for the sink and too little to sit up by herself. I liked it bc we could take the air out when we were done. Much better purchase than the $30 tub.

        • 128

          Becca says

          My favorite thing about kitchen-sink-bathing was not having to lean over for a freaking half hour trying to hold on to a soapy slippery baby. I had my gallbladder out a week after my little plumpkin was born and couldn’t lean forward for months without hurting.

    • 129

      gina says

      I’m very shocked to hear of so many people co-sleeping with their babies. It is so dangerous for the baby! A rocker or crib next to the bed is fine, but they should not be in the same bed if possible! It would be terrible if the baby got smothered.

      • 130

        dianne says

        I don’t know about that. Both my kids slept with me when they were small because I was too tired (or is that f’ing lazy) to get out of bed every 2 hours to feed, change then hope to get them or me back to sleep. I think you would be amazed at the extreme low numbers of parents who roll over onto their new baby. The number is so much lower than cribdeaths due to being strangled by bumber pad strings or by a blanket, or even a shade cord because someone thought the crib should be in front of a window in case the kids wants to see the sun rise or something.

        • 131

          chelsea says

          You’d be surprised. My friend has worked at a hospital peds unit for 2 years. 3 out of the 5 babies she saw pass away was caused by cosleeping. I kno its tempting but i don’t think its worth it

          • 132

            dianne says

            That is probably a statistical improbability. In the US 1 in 1000 infant deaths are sleep related. SIDS is used ONLY if no other cause can be found for the death. Of the sleep related deaths reported less than 25% are co-sleeping related which brings the statistics up to 1 in 4000 being reported as co-sleeping related. So in order for someone to say that 3 of the 5 infant deaths they have witnessed were sleep related there would have had to be over 20000 infant deaths reported in that hospital in the 2 years she worked there. I would think that hospital would need to be investigated. In the US there are actually LESS infant deaths from co-sleeping than when the baby sleeps by itself in a crib or whatever.

            • 133

              Chelsea says

              I see what you’re saying, but it’s definitely not the hospitals fault that a parent accidentally rolled over on their baby. I don’t care if the statistics were 1 in 20,000. In my opinion, (which we’re all entitled to) it’s dangerous and not worth it. I don’t look down on anyone whe chooses to co-sleep b/c every parent is trying to do what is best for their baby! Of course it would have been easier for me to just sleep with my daughter since that’s ALL she wanted in the beginning lol but the little bugger got used to it & seems to be just fine in her bassinet right next to my bed :)

            • 134

              Clarissa says

              And most of those 1 in 4000 co-sleeping deaths involved drugs, alcohol, or sleeping on a couch instead of a bed. Since babies mimic the regular breathing patterns of their parents (keeping them from holding their breath as often), which they can’t do when they’re in a crib by themselves, I’d be scared NOT to co-sleep.

            • 135

              Alena says

              Dianne,

              just can’t help but comment on this… I happen to teach statistics at the university level. So, I know a thing or two about it… saying “So in order for someone to say that 3 of the 5 infant deaths they have witnessed were sleep related there would have had to be over 20000 infant deaths reported in that hospital in the 2 years she worked there. ” is the same as saying that I am making, say, 60 000 and you are making 600 000, but each of us is making on average 330 000 :)))))))))))))

              • 136

                Mel says

                Freaking a people. “Chelsea” didn’t say “3 out of EVERY 5 deaths”, she said “3 out of THE 5″. Meaning her friend saw 5 babies die…and 3 of those were caused by co sleeping. Sheesh.

        • 138

          Kris says

          I had a c-section and my husband worked a lot so my daughter slept with me all the time we had a crib in our room for her but by the middle of the night she just slept next to the milking machine and I never rolled or smothered her. she is five now and sleeping in.her own bed just fine

      • 139

        Ashley says

        As long as you follow proper precautions, co sleeping is very safe. I did it with both my girls and they are excellent sleepers in their own beds/room now. People think you just stick baby in your bed to co sleep, not true. There are guidelines for safety. I actually slept better knowing they were there too, it was a win/win for us but I understand that’s its just not an option for others.

      • 141

        Sara says

        I co-slept with both of my children. 99% (not an actual statistic) of the co-sleeping deaths that you hear about are caused by the adult being under the influence. As long as you’re not drunk or drugged up (legally or illegally) your baby will be fine.

      • 142

        steffie says

        co-sleeping actually isnt anywhere near as dangerous as you may think , its called cot death for a reason not co-sleep death. unfortunately though, they bracket any sleeping not done in a cot as co-sleeping so when a mum is exhausted and falls asleep on sofa and suffocates little one its called co-sleeping when it is not. there are many many ways to co-sleep safely but you do have to follow the guidelines to ensure safety for the little one.

        • 144

          Darcy says

          Actually, in the majority of co-sleeping deaths that parent/caregiver was NOT under the influence. That is a huge myth. There are many, many ways OTHER than co-sleeping to bond with baby, so it makes sense to put them in a crib (without a bumper, blankets, pillows, etc.).

          • 145

            Sol says

            Wrong. I will give just one example.
            http://www.milwaukee.gov/FIMR2010

            If you look at the date presented around 97% of all sleep-related infant deaths had multiple risk factors other than co-sleeping, and on average there were four risk factors present. Evaluating total infant mortality in the region shows that around 0.5% of deaths have co-sleeping as the only risk factor. Evidence actually suggests that an infant has a greater chance of being murdered (2.4% of cases) than die from strictly co-sleeping. It would be reasonable to conclude from this data that risk factors other than co-sleeping were the causative agent in infant deaths.

            Stop with the fear mongering. Sharing a bed with a child is not something new and not something parents have just started doing. It is just talked about now in the US where as in the past it has not. Globally it how many families sleep and there are few risks involved.

            You do for your family as you choose and I’ll do for mine.

          • 146

            Sol says

            And I don’t share a bed with my children so I can bond with them. It is only one of many reasons. Mostly it is what works for us. Cribs are not what works for myself and my children and I don’t view them as safer.

            • 147

              Darcy says

              I was speaking directly to caregivers/parents being under the influence. The FIMR report confirms this – in only about 18% of deaths was a parent/caregiver under the influence (clearly, NOT that majority.) I didn’t say anything about other risk factors. I am from Milwaukee and work in social services, and I am VERY familiar with the FIMR report.

              I am not fear-mongering. I understand that co-sleeping can be done safely, but I think that spreading the message that it is always safe is a disservice. There are many factors that can make co-sleeping unsafe – prematurity, tobacco use, sleeping in bed with other children, sleeping in bed with a person other than the mother and father, sleeping on a very soft mattress with blankets and pillows, etc. – and if one is promoting co-sleeping, time needs to be spent on educating parents about these factors. Unfortunately, this is not typically done. While co-sleeping is done safely in many cultures, these cultures are much different than the US, and this should not be used as an argument for co-sleeping.

              • 148

                Amanda says

                I didn’t see anyone “promoting” it. I think, as with all things, when you say it’s perfectly safe, you mean it’s perfectly safe when done properly. I mean, parenting is perfectly safe….unless you’re high or drunk. Isn’t that just common sense? I think you ARE fear mongering.

              • 149

                katina says

                I agree that time should be spent educating about the safe, responsible way to Co-sleep. Unfortunately though more time is spent telling new moms how horrible it is and that you shouldn’t do it. This only results in families who choose to co-sleep doing it in “secret” because of the stigma attached. This was at least my experience. My son is 9 months old and has slept with my husband and me since he was 1 month. I did lots of research about it and felt comfortable in my decision, but still felt that i couldn’t talk about it because of how it is viewed. Now when people ask my about my experiences with my son, i proudly admit i Co-sleep. I tell them it was the right decision for my family and that it should only be done properly and safely. I only wish this is the advise i would have gotten a year ago.

              • 150

                Jessica says

                Please, do tell me what they do in other countries where the entire family sleeps in 1 or 2 beds. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a crib.
                The United States is ONE country in the entire world. I bet the percentage of people who use cribs is much higher here than anywhere else, and I bet the infant mortality rate is higher too.

          • 151

            Candace says

            Co-sleeping can be a safe and enjoyable experience. It gets a lot of bad rap. Truth of the matter is that a baby can die from improper co-sleeping as well as SIDS in their crib alone… There are many studies done that suggest the babys heart can stop and actually be triggered to re-start and stabilize breathing when the child is against the mother.

            My son co-slept, slept in his bassinet, as well as in his crib. All these things worked for us at different times. My son was a June baby so laying on our bed with just a fitted sheet and no pillows (pool noodles under the sheets on the end to keep him from rolling off of a side) was awesome. I got much needed sleep and bonding time with him.

            To this day at 19 months old he will still get in bed with us.

            • 152

              4littlecuties says

              My newborn son would have died in a similar manner if he were’t sleeping with me! I dreamed he was cold and I needed to call 911. Woke up and he was cold as ice and not breathing. I jiggled him in panic and he gasped and started breathing again. He hadn’t stopped breathing because he was laying next to me- I wasn’t on him and there wasn’t anything near his face! We were lying in the identical position we’d been in when we fell asleep- on my side with him on his back next to me in his sleep sack and his arm was touching my chest, feet against my belly. If he’d been in a crib I wouldn’t have felt that he was cold and woken up. He might not be a healthy 4 year old complaining that there are too many toys to clean up at this moment if he hadn’t been in bed with me that night.

              • 153

                missarah says

                4littlecuties, you must have been terrified! This and many other reasons are why I co-sleep with my now 7 month old. Thank you for sharing. I will tell your story when I get heat from people about co-sleeping!!

              • 154

                Monica says

                Wow, I hadn’t even thought of that, but now that I look back on it, that was something I appreciated too, but didn’t realize it. I was SOOOOO paranoid with my first two kids, worried they’d die of SIDS, and I’d wake up and run to their rooms to hear them breathing. With my 3rd, we co-slept because he would NOT stay asleep in the crib, and would stay asleep in our bed. I never had to wonder how he was doing. It was reassuring having him next to me.

      • 155

        KTV says

        cosleeping is the norm throughout most of the world. and for good reason. so much easier to nurse your babe when they are in bed beside you.

    • 157

      jeannette says

      put a towel or a muslin nappy in the sink first then sit the baby in. Honestly worked a treat forme until she was six months and more and cold share a bath with me.

    • 158

      Biss says

      oh my. eight year old, six year old, and four year old in your bed with you? nice. i can already tell your love life is unbelievable.

      • 159

        Lecobra says

        Hi Bliss! Hey, maybe she’s a single mom, via choice, divorce, or widowing. Maybe she has a partner but they only like to get busy in the shower or in their own (private, none of your business) way.
        should we all be just like you, Bliss? What did you have for breakfast? How mmany times a day do you poop? I want to start training to be your g-d clone!

  12. 160

    Tiana says

    I’m still giggling. I read it to my husband who laughed. I just have the one kid, but I bought a ton of stuff off craigslist. I found if you don’t use it, the husband doesn’t get as upset as if buying it new. I’ll say this though, it pays to have wealthy, emotionally detached family members. They tend to over compensate with expensive toys, clothes, and strollers. Thanks for your blog. I feel less alone now. lol

  13. 161

    stacie says

    Bahaha LOVE IT!! Had everything imaginable for the first kid. The 4th….well she lived in zip up sleepers and car seat?!? Hell we didn’t even leave the house!

  14. 162

    Kayla says

    Hilarious! And i agree on all points. Especially the stupid wipes warmer. All mine ever did was dry out all the wipes. It was awful. I do have one of those fancy double strollers but it was bought used for under 50 bucks and it took me a week and lots of googling to figure out how to work the damn thing.

  15. 163

    Leigh Ann says

    Loved the Bumbo! We actually had a different brand. I used it as a a makeshift high chair for feedings for all my kids. I don’t think it helped them sit, but it was a good source of entertainment, since the ones we had came with a tray and an attachable toy.

    • 164

      Valerie says

      When my niece asked for a Bumbo seat, I had a very hard time requesting it in the store — not because of any problem I had with the seat itself, but because the name is a really serious curse word in Jamaican patois! I’m a well-brought-up Jamaican woman, and couldn’t bring myself to say the name — I just pointed!

  16. 165

    Stephanie says

    BAHAHA! By the way, I have three (count ‘em, THREE) lovely crib quilts I now have NO IDEA what to do with. At least one’s got a 4″ rip in it from our cats. That one I don’t have to worry about.

    • 166

      Sean says

      Bumbo seats have been recalled because it’s far too easy for babies to fall out. Multiple skull fractures have been reported.

      • 167

        Bekah says

        Like the majority of baby item recalls, this was due to parents leaving the child unattended and on unsafe surfaces.

      • 169

        Sean says

        Sure. All you have to do is make sure the seat never leaves the floor, buy an extra safety strap, and never ever take your eyes off the child for one second even on the floor and strapped in. Perfectly safe.

    • 172

      4littlecuties says

      Same here! Bumbo made a great travel booster seat and first highchair. The Boppy however… THAT was a complete waste of my time. Most people disagree with me on that one though. :)

  17. 173

    Shawnna says

    Haha, after 2 kids I finally realized what I did and didn’t need for my 3rd. Little princess is technically hubby’s 2nd but the first he’s had the pleasure of experiencing from pregnancy to birth and so forth so you can imagine what it was like baby shopping for her. He wanted the wipes warmer, the best of the best in baby furniture and even wanted the damn diaper geninie.(Had it with my first and I stopped using it after the first 8 months cause the damn baggy things got too expensive and it didn’t help with the smell.) I told him plastic shopping bags are just as effective and free. To compromise I did tell him if he wanted any of the “useless crap” he could put it on our baby registry. Do you know we got almost everything we asked for….including the darn spa bath. Little princess is spoiled.

    • 174

      Cyndi says

      I always feel a little guilty when I put poopy diapers in a grocery sack! It takes how long for a plastic sack to biodegrade? And then how much longer for the diaper to do the same?? It’s like a poopy diaper time capsul!!!! Lol

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