Karen Alpert
Latest posts by Karen Alpert (see all)
- 10 Ways Birthday Parties Suck - April 22, 2013
- 10 (OK, 9) Things You Really Don’t Need For Baby - February 3, 2013
- Men CAN experience what it’s like to have a baby. Kinda. Sorta. - January 28, 2013
So you’ve just walked into Babies R Us for the first time ever and one of the employees (who either had a lobotomy or needs one) hands you this little booklet that has a list of allllllllllll the shit you’re going to need for the upcoming arrival of your little poop-machine.
And that’s where the fun begins. And by fun I mean the crazy torture of going up and down each and every aisle trying to figure out whether you need f’ing nipple shields or Butt paste. The correct answer is yes and yes.
With that said, man did we buy a lot of crap for Baby #1. Baby #2, on the other hand, got all hand-me-downs. Yup, every single little thing. Yes, even the diapers. And no they weren’t cloth. I don’t care how good cloth diapers are for the environment, there ain’t no way I’m putting turds into my washing machine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except for the fact that you’re putting turds into your washing machine (awwww shit, here come the comments). But I digress.
So here goes. A bunch of shit I bought when I was having a baby that I now know was a total waste…
1. A fancy bedding set. Like two seconds after you tear open your fancy bedding package a Babycenter email appears in your inbox. Ding! Bumpers killed 9 million babies last year! (FYI, I like to exaggerate, it was only like 7 million) Okay then, no problemo, you just won’t use the bumpers. And then you’re reading your What to Expect book and it tells you what to expect in the first year: expect your baby to die if you put a blanket in his crib. Okay then, you’ll just throw the quilt on the back of the nursing chair for decoration, which totally doesn’t work because then your head is all shoved forward when you sit in the chair. So basically you’ve just spent a bazillion dollars on a single fitted crib sheet. A single sheet that is about to be destroyed when your newborn poops his brains out the first night home from the hospital. And I don’t care how much Shout you use, that shit stain ain’t coming out. So you have two choices: A. Don’t buy the totally adorable bedding set to begin with or B. Buy a set with a lovely brown amoeba pattern all over it so the shit stains blend in.
2. Clothes that go over a newborn’s head. Have you ever tried to put clothes on a newborn? F’ing impossible. You’re all like my new baby has a really strong neck until you’re pulling that really cute onesie over her head to take her home from the hospital and suddenly her neck is like jello and her head falls off and you’re screaming NURSE NURSE and she’s walking in all cool and collected like they see this shit all the time. Well, at least that cute leopard-print onesie with the Burberry trim is soooo adorable maybe no one will notice that your child is headless.
3. A wipes warmer. Yeahhh, that’s what you want to do, let baby get used to having his royal ass cleaned with a wipe that’s been heated to the perfect temperature. ‘Cause then do you know what happens? You’re out in public trying to change his diaper and he throws a conniption because your wipes in the diaper bag are freezing and his ass has turned into a total pussy (wait, that’s not right). Besides, do you think someone like the Fonz had warm wipes when he was a tike (tyke?)? No way, no how. Because people who have warm wipes as infants turn into douchebags. No, I don’t have any examples, but it seems pretty damn obvious. So unless your Mum is Kate F’ing Middleton, no one’s heating your stupid wipes.
4. Shoes for your newborn. Newsflash, babies can’t walk. Plus, if you stare really hard at your baby’s feet you can literally see them growing, kind of like how if you stare really hard at a clock without blinking you can see the minute hand moving. So basically putting a newborn’s growing feet in shoes is akin to Chinese foot binding. Yes, I know those two-inch Air Jordans are like the cutest things in the whole wide world but maybe I forgot to mention, BABIES CAN’T WALK much less dunk a basketball, except maybe those roller-skating Evian babies.
5. Expensive baby clothes. This one’s pretty much the same as the last part of #1. Just buy a lot of cheap shit from Tarjay or once again, buy everything with a brown amoeba pattern on it.
6. A fancy stroller. If you’re the kind of person who bought your house outright without a mortgage, I hate you. Wait, no, that’s not what I meant to say. If you’re that kind of person, by all means, buy a fancy delancy stroller. I remember standing in the middle of a high-end toy store while a woman half my size demonstrated the bugabooger to me. “Push this button, then this one and voila it’s so compact it fits in the palm of your hand.” And then I remember this. Standing in the middle of the F’ing parking lot at Scabies R Us and I couldn’t get my damn fancy stroller to collapse because it had like 9,000 doodads and buttons and levers and thingamajigs. These days I’m like just give me a simple umbrella stroller, and if I want something fancier I’ll buy it for half the price on Craigslist. You know, in case I decide to chuck it across the parking lot and then drive over it with my minivan.
7. A baby bathtub. Guess what, your house already came with one. WHAT?! The realtor didn’t tell you?!! Hello brainiac, it’s called a sink. But wait, my sink doesn’t look like a cute whale or a duck! No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t cost an extra $30. Or come in a weird ass shape that doesn’t fit in any logical place in your bathroom. And guess what, your kiddo’s not thinking, “It’s not fair, Javier down the street has a bathtub that looks like a turtle and I don’t.” All he’s thinking is, “Aggghhh, who the fuck is pouring goddamn water on my head?! I’m gonna scream as loud as humanly possible until they stop!”
8. Car seats. I mean, WTF is it with everyone getting these things?! Nahhhh, just kidding. Seriously, I’m kidding. Awww, shit, you already reamed me in the comments section, didn’t you?
9. The Bumbo Seat. There are all these companies out there that make stupid products to help your kid hit some milestone they’re gonna hit anyway, like the F’ing Bumbo. In case you don’t know, this is a little seat that props your kid up before he can actually sit up. You’re gonna hear all these jackasses, I mean really nice moms, say that their kiddo wasn’t sitting up and then she got him the Bumbo and whatta you know, two weeks later the kid was sitting up. All because of this magic fucking chair. Ehhhhh, wrong. Your kid is sitting up because he’s 6+ months old. Not because you forced him to use his Bumbo and work his muscles into a damn six-pack like Mike the Situation from Jersey Shore.
10. Pee-pee teepees. FYI, pee-pee teepees are just a cute present people buy because their gift only came to $15 and they needed a $5 item to make it expensive enough. Oh, and they’re always people who never had a boy so they have no idea that pee-pee teepees don’t stay on, but of course, you never realize it’s fallen off until your kid starts spraying you with urine and some of it gets in your mouth.
{ 407 comments… read them below or add one }
Where were you when I had babies? I bought shoes. Cute look like little leather boots shoes.
Then I tried to put them on.
Did you know babies have this magical ability to do something to their foot that completely blocks that shoe from going on? The foot seems all rubbery and flexible but no, it’s actually formed into the exact shape that will never ever go into a shoe. Once you think you are almost there something makes them giggle and when the giggle they kick their feet so the half on shoe flies right back off.
I spent half an hour, a lot of curses and some major sweat trying to get just ONE on. After that – my kids just wore slippers.
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Yep, I had that same experience with babies and shoes. So, I tied the laces together and hung them on a peg in the nursery for decoration. And to remind me when kids 2 and 3 came along to not even try to put them on their feet.
I am literally laughing out loud. It is so true!
I know the wipes warmer isn’t necessary, but it’s nice to have, my baby is alot like me and has always gotten cold very easily, she was always shivering…so my MIL bought us a wipes warmer, made diaper changes alto nicer for my small baby. :)
The rest I agree with, completely pointless. Especially that damn car seat, who needs em. ! :P
Do you know wipe Warner’s can grow bacteria and Peds don’t recommend you use them….just a little safety tip for your little ones lady parts!
Never really researched on the topic (although I might now) all I know is that the one I got says that the thing in the bottom is meant to prevent the growth of bacteria…but I suposse they all say something like that, doesn’t necessarily make it true. Thanks for the tip.
They make travel wipes warmers too. Just sayin’… :)
You would think that fact would be obvious since bacteria grows in a warm moist environment. Apparently not.
Like diapers. They are warm moist and sometimes are provided a little food on top of that. Bacteria club med, just saying.
Actually, they are meant to be emptied daily. No more than 24 hours, if you put a naturally antimicrobial agent in the water (such as tea tree) its just fine. I am on my third baby and am an extreme minimalist, but because I cloth diaper, I like the warmer. You can just put water and a little essential oil and a soap star in and you can wet your wipes as you go. Just saying.
So you mean you’re not a minimalist. You’ve named an extra 3 things and cloth diapers = high maintenance.
And buying diapers and wipes that you just throw away IS minimalist? I think cloth diapering in much more minimalist and not high maintenance.
You’re funny. And by “funny”, I mean snarky and not funny. Cloth diapering isn’t high maintenance-that’s a typical uneducated comment from someone who has likely never tried it. Making a wipe solution for reusable cloth wipes (which is what she’s talking about) isn’t high maintenance either…again, you probably wouldn’t know, having never done it. Am I right? No need to answer, I’m sure I am. It takes a few minutes, and lasts months. Sounds so high maintenance.
Wow….some moms are mean. Cloth diapers are exact opposite of high maintenance
I have used cloth diapers and it was a wonderful green idea. My mom used cloth diapers so with my first, I tried as well. I no longer use cloth diapers. First you have to rinse off the poo and pee which is really gross but as a mom, it’s like wiping noses. Then they have to sit and gather in a pile because you have to wash more than one or its a waste of water. This doesn’t sound to hard…yeah. My daughter had a sensitive bottom so you had to keep an eye on the wetness. The plastic covers seemed to cut into the skin. Diaper rashes left me frantic and I never seemed to have enough cloth diapers. When I went out I used disposable diapers. After a few months of headache, guess what…I use disposable. Less diaper rashes (And I was an avid changer), less time consuming and less cost because the washer and dryer are not constantly used. Sorry, Just not rich enough for a diaper service. I think the cloth diaper is like breastfeeding. Some can do it and some can’t and those of us who have tried, well, more power to those that persevered. I just want more time with my baby and less time doing laundry. Oh,and do the amoeba onesies come in yellow.
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Actually cloth diapers are no greener than disposable, unless you are hand-washing those things. The electricity from the washer and dryer, as well as the unseen environmental cost for the city to clean that water, results in harmful impacts on the environment.
There are many reasons to use cloth diapers, but when it comes to being green, cloth diapers have about the same carbon footprint as disposables
Not accurate Kyle. That is propaganda from Proctor and Gamble. The energy, resources and chemicals plus the water ruined by making the pulp to make the chemical diapers make disposables a much less environmentally friendly method than cloth. Also you need to take into account the gas to transport them, and then the fact that we don’t knnow how long they take to break down in a landfill setting. No, cloth isn’t perfect, but since I’m not prepared to let my child run around without a diaper, cloth is a more EF choice.
We made our own wipes and used a warmer, too. I highly doubt this is spoiling your child, for goodness sakes. It’s just more comfortable. Way to go calling a baby a douche. Classy.
Pretty sure she didn’t call a baby a douche. She said it would grow up to be one. Also learn to understand sarcasm, I’m sure she isn’t 100% serious about everything she says. Laugh a little….it’ll make you feel better! :P
Where is your sense of humor? Maybe look inside your wipes warmer…
I thought that was the funniest thing of the whole article- baby’s who use wipe warmers grow up to be douches. That’s hilarious. Why would you ever take that seriously and think she is calling a baby a douche? Lighten up…
Here’s a tip if you want a wipe warmer minus the bacteria and crap. Its called a warm wet washcloth.
I love our warmer too. So :P to the rest.
I see wipe warmers more as a nice retirement present, by then they are deserved!
HA! Oh, that’s fantastic. “Retirement present”.
Warm wipes are also nice for new Mom’s with a case of grapes at the backdoor… nothing like a nice, warm wipe to bring a little pleasure to an uncomfortable situation.
Janine-
I never thought of that!!!! Someone bought us a wipe warmer when my 19 month old son was born. I’ve used it once… Better believe I’m hooking that thing up in my bathroom tonight! LOL
ba ha ha! Heck yes! Babies can tough it out with cold wipes so they don’t turn into douche bags but new mamas and old people should definitely spoil their poor mistreated behinds. I like the way you think ;)
At dinner I told my husband about wipes warmers. He asked if they really made those. I said, yeah, they do. Without batting an eyelash he said, “They didn’t make those for babies. They made those for men after sex.” bahhhahhhaa
I agree with this statement. :) Yes, we do have wipe warmers in the hospital, and those little old ladies love them!
Did you know you were born with built it wipe warmers. They are called left hand and right hand. Stick a couple of wipes in the palm of your hands a couple of minutes before changing your little ones and t-da – warm “enough” wipes. ;-)
Iv actually tried that, found it didn’t actually work very well, all it did was transfer the moisture off of the wipe onto my hand. Probably doesn’t help that my hands are almost always cold though. Lol
This was the method I always used to warm the baby wipes. There were no wipe warmers when my boys were babies. I also had to use the bottle sterilizers and make up a batch of bottles at night for the next day. We used those baby food trays that you put hot water into and it kept baby food warm without being too hot. Now people just feed their babies out of the baby food jar at room temperature.
Wait… HANDS? I was always using my hands to keep the kiddo from flinging themself off the bed/changing table/couch or from rolling away from me. Yeah my firstborn rolled at 6 weeks old. So I would hold onto squirming baby with one hand and stuff a couple wipes down my bra with the other hand, then by the time I got the kiddo undressed the wipes were warm. I used my cleavage as a paci holder too: nice and warm and smells like the real thing.
Yeap that what we did!!!
I always bought the real cotton premium wipes at Wal-Mart (Parent’s Choice). They tear real easily into four strips. Then I would hold them in my hands & blow warm air on them. Worked just as well.
LOL. i used warm baby washcloths for the first month my son was born (unless we were out) then i used regular good ol’ wipes. and ill do the same for this one on the way :) and i still buy baby shoes, but only 2 pairs lol the soft crib ones :P and cute expensive brand name baby clothes but i get them secound hand hahaha
I really like my wipe warmer.
wipes warmer is pretty dumb, imho. first of all, they dry them out (silly things), then as others have noted here, they make a perfect environment for the growth of bacteria. just what you want. my baby has never had one, and has never seemed to have a difficult time with room temperature wipes.
I agree with them all… NONE of them are needed. just for the mommies that like to compete in the “who’s mommy has more money” competition. WHO CARES IF YOUR STROLLER WAS 500$!!
and “transitional” rocking crib thingies and Coach diaper bags and bottles that have 3 or 4 parts
and diaper genies
UGH diaper genies are SO gross!!! They stink and are just so unnecessary. Get those things straight to the dumpster.
I totally agree, it seemed like a good idea so the kitchen garbage didn’t stink so much, but we stopped using it because I couldn’t change the bag without gagging and/or puking. Yuck
I agree, hate the Diaper Genie. Got rid of that not more than 2 weeks into motherhood :)
I have to disagree with you on the diaper genie. When my hubby came home with this $60.00 genie, I freaked out at him. But after a few diaper changes (Twins) i was happy. Anyone who came into my house, didn’t know i had one and it was in my main floor bathroom. I guess it’s just the type of genie that actually worked.
I hate to tell you this, but your friends are being nice. I’ve never gone into a house with a diaper genie and not smelled sh*t lol.
Such an un-needed product.
It does make one hell of a nice trash can for anything outside of diapers though!
LoL
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I soon figured out why I received TWO of these handed down from friends! They’re just a bad idea all around.
I have plans to turn my Diaper Genie into a hair-spray powered diaper launcher. Kinda like a potato gun.
I don’t have a diaper genie, but I do have the Arm & Hammer diaper pail. It seems to work really well. I have a very strong gag reflex when it comes to smells (I’m already freaking about how to handle diapers when the solid foods start) but have no problem with our A&H pail.
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I agree with you Starla. I have the A&H diaper pail as well. It was much higher rated than the Diaper Genie and I love it. My mom kept telling me that it was unnecessary and to just use a plastic trash bag and take it immediately out to the garbage. Who has time for that? Especially with the nursery on the second floor of our house. There are some days I don’t even go downstairs. So yeah, I’m really going to make a special “run” to the garbage to throw out a diaper?
I hear you, Leigh Ann. I’m from the north, and I’m not going to be running out to my trash can (at the end of my driveway) 7-8 times a day in a snow storm. LOL
The A&H is awesome! After hubby changes a few genie (what he called) shit sausage links, he vowed never to own one, instead of regular baking soda we actually use oder neutralizer carpet clearer, still from A&H just a little scented. WORKS PERFECT!
I also love my A&H pail! So worth the money. And, Starla, solids aren’t that bad. If you go the traditional cereal, fruits/veggies, protein/ dairy route, you work your way up to the stinky stuff.
Thanks for the tip! :) I think that’s the route we’re going. I don’t get many of the poopy diapers anyway…I work most of the time.
Yeah. My diaper genie was the trash bin in my garage – it came with the house and was only 10 steps away. Another thing I didn’t bother with when baby #2 was born was a changing table. I kept a changing pad under the bed and did diaper changes on the floor. No more worrying about baby falling out and wondering what to do with the changing table once you were done using it.
i keep trying to tell my husband to change the baby on the floor now (we still have a changing table and baby is 7 months). i’m convinced he’s not going to move to the floor until the baby rolls off the table!
Agree with you 100%!
I don’t plan on having any more kids, hell no! But I find new moms amusing sometimes and down right cute. I wasn’t so might as well say they are.
I bought that wipes warmer. It warmed the bottom half of the wipes not the top. And as I got further down in the pile, they got outright hot! I chucked that thing fast.
I do need you to clarify the no car seat. I know there are stages of car seats etc. And I do know here in CA you must have a car seat or car whatever to hold you child into until they are like 12 and 80 pounds, it’s crazy, I know. (I may be exaggerating but not much.)
What is it called that you put your baby in when they are newborns? You can’t just hold them, right?
~Allie
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Reread that, she was totally kidding :) But I do have to say the new fangled car seats with all the fanciness to them? Totally not necessary…just a regular, plain, no frills car seat worked just fine for all my kids :)
Here in MO you’re child has to be in at least a booster until they are either 8 or 80 lbs. For my oldest child (who has been off the for height & weight since she was 2) this is not an issue, but for my other two (7 & 5) & her friends they would be riding in booster seats until middle school if it wasn’t for the age thing! And since all of my daughter’s friends are still in booster seats their parents expect her to sit in one when she goes places with with them (and since she is in Girl Scouts this happens a lot). I had to get a note from my pediatrician stating due to my daughters height it’s actually MORE dangerous for her to be in a booster than not because of where the seat belt strap hits her shoulder.
It doesn’t matter how fancy the car seat is…my pet peeve is when I see the seat belt attached but with waaaaayy too much slack. That sucker needs to be snug. I actually thought that I had it snug and then got my bubble burst when I attended a car seat clinic!!
EXACTLY!!! My best friend was all SUPER SAFETY mom with her daughter and yet she could practically fall out of that carseat!! “She gets unfomfortable…” WHAT? She’s a baby! They sleep with their heads bent way over and the straps are UNCOMFORTABLE? Get real girl! How uncomfortable is she going to be when she’s gone through the windshield because you were all loosey goosey with the straps!? I’d tighten them everytime I watched her. and if they were in my car–it didn’t move until she couldn’t!
in colorado they just passed a law in 2011 that kids have to be in booster seat till theyre 12. lmao i dont even remember being in a carseat/booster seat when i was 5 lol
You mean I bought a car-seat for nothing? Damn!
For reals though, most of these things sound about right to me too, and I still haven’t had the little squirmer yet! But for the newborns, are there outfits that don’t go over the head??
they are called sleepers.. the kind that button all the way down one leg so you have a hell of a time getting the other leg in., some have zippers that have the same issue
We’re having a spring baby, so these might not be a good idea, might get too hot. at least with diaper shirts we have options…
trust me when i say this, go with outfits that have zippers. they are so much easier to deal with especially at 3 am in the dark. Also, the dresses with elastic bottoms are geniusly easy for newborns. my little guy is 11 weeks and it’s a struggle to get the snaps to go together properly in his nether region while he’s all squirmy after a diaper change.
What she ^ said.
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I preferred snaps, but that was only because my three LOs came home on apnea machines, so they had wires to contend with and you can’t exactly zip them up and have them come out of their neck hole (choking hazard and all that jazz). ;)
Oh Jenny I bought those snap dresses in every color I could find for my lo and her apnea monitor. She seriously wore nothing else for like 4 months lol.
omg, if there is anything i can tell a new or expectant parent to make their life easier – do not get sleepers with snaps!!! they are such a huge pain. i don’t even know why they sell them!! and it can sometimes be hard to find the zipper ones, but it is worth the search. we pretty much never put our lo in any of his snap up sleepers (gifts, we didn’t buy them), especially now that he is squirmy and really strong – hard enough getting him in his jammies as it is.
You can get lighter cotton sleepers or “sleep n plays”. They really are amazingly easy and still cute for those first few months.
Unless you’re outside in 100+ degree weather, I wouldn’t worry about the newborn being too hot. Chances are your house is set to a similar temp as it is in the winter, and newborns get cold easily. I had two spring babies and both wore sleepers and pants most of the way through summer unless we were outside in the direct heat.
if you’re concerned about your newborn being hot or cold, just put him/her skin to skin with mama. mama’s body has this really insanely cool mechanism that knows to cool a hot newborn and warm a cold one to the right temperature. look it up. we are amazing, us mamas. this stops working after the first month or two (when they can start to stabilize their own body temp) as any mom sweating with her older baby sleeping on her can attest.
I was terrified to put anything over my guys head for the first three months. But I found that the Carter’s onsies were stretchie enough that I could slip them on over his bum and pull them up!
Good to know! Thanks!
all onsies that have the wide necks with the flaps at the shoulders are meant to go over the body and the head. I pull them on over his head, then pull them down so I don’t get poop/pee in his hair if his diaper exploded. Genius, that.
The sleeper bags that are for 0-9 mos that zip up are the absolute best. It won’t be too hot if you use a onsies & have the a/c on. No fighting to get their little legs in.
I love the sleep ‘n’ plays. When he was a newborn, we used a lot of the gerber long sleeve shirts that look like wrap shirts and snap open. Only three snaps, very easy. (Winter baby, so long sleeves was a must.) I actually wish they made them larger…I miss how easy they were to put on!
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Hal spit-up a lot, so ,if we were home, he wore a diaper. Considering I didn’t get dressed either (breastfeeding), I just turned the heat up. Now that we’re past that, he wears onesies. But only the ones with shoulder flaps. And I say “peek-a-boo” whenever I get it over his head…like “making you scream is all fun and games”.
I had a fancy stroller with the car seat attachment and the cupholder and the sunglasses holder…but I’ll be damned if that stuff didn’t break right off. And the cupholder became a bottle holder. And when did I ever take my sunglasses off?? If they weren’t on my head they were keeping my hair out of my face!!! That being said…my grandmother bought it because I was her favorite.
Wipes warmer schmipes schmarmer. :)
I will disagree with your statement about cloth – I didn’t put turds in my washer. Those went down the toilet like they are supposed to. Even disposable diaper packages say to flush the turds down the toilet. But – to each their own – cloth is not for everyone. Heck – somedays I WISHED it wasn’t for me. :)
And I did have the fancy bedding set. It was adorable. The frog king. Too bad Munchkin co-slept. Hmmmm
haha I used and um yea do know you have to rinse the poop off first right? and they have these things called liners that make the job SOOOO much easier! but as far as the Car seat things goes I totally get that I mean WHY are there so freaking many choices! they should all come with a brown amoeba pattern whats up with all the bells a whistles it’s a seat that goes into the back of your car that your child is going to demolish on the ride home and newsflash it’s going to be covered by blankets 99% of the time!
Another reason I like my son’s camouflage booster seat. You can’t see the stains.
I was going to say that too. You’re supposed to dump the poo into the toilet and then put the diaper into a diaper pail in between laundry loads.
Actually, you’re supposed to dump the poo out of a disposable diaper too–of course, none of us actually do that.
Anyway, what’s left isn’t much more than the skid marks your husband already leaves in his undershorts. So you already wash poo… you just wind up washing more poo because there are more people in your house now.
If you have a washer and dryer and are good at keeping up with your laundry detergent supply (not one of those people who keeps forgetting to go to the store and therefore puts off laundry for two freaking months, constantly buying new undies ’cause there aren’t any more clean ones), cloth diapers are less of a pain than having to run to the store in a panic ’cause your kiddo’s on the last one and has had the runs today.
But of course that’s a personal choice. Just providing more data for making said choice.
cloth (stupid computer likes to delete words on me) I used Cloth
What is it with SM and the vitriol towards cloth diapers? Who in the world would put a turd in their washer instead of the toilet?
Anyway, I keep telling new moms to not spend money for their fetus on anything that is “cute”, because it won’t be with a layer of spitup on it. But no one listens to me. One of my friends got a white rug for her baby’s nursery. Fool!
And YES to not putting stuff over a baby’s head. For the first 2 months, my kid lived in zip-up sleepers and kimono-style tops.
Maybe no one listens to you because you sound like a major B who so obnoxiously refers to their unborn children as fetuses. Just a thought.
Glad u said exactly what I was thinking! lol
Ditto…
Uh when a baby is still in the womb it’s called a fetus unless its less than 3 months old then its an embryo. Why all the hate?
Pretty sure when I used cloth diapers, turds didn’t go in my washer, they went in my toilet….
Yeah there’s a difference in between being snarky and being a complete tool. I think you crossed the line a little bit. Hope you’re not this critical to your “fetus”.
Kudos for using “fetus”, as that is the correct term. Fertilized egg -> zygote -> embryo -> fetus -> newborn -> infant -> toddler -> child -> adolescent -> adult.
Frankly, I don’t see why all those other people have their knickers in a bunch.
Uh-oh, did I just say “knickers” instead of “panties”? Now I’m gonna get yelled at too.
I had twins. I was given two baby tubs, neither of which came with receipts or with the barcode still attached and neither of which would even nest together. Where did my boys bathe? In the bathtub while my husband held them because they both HATED the baby bathtubs.
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I absolutely LOVE you! Thank you for your honesty. I agree with everything above! Thank you for keeping it real and telling it like it is! I will come to you for all advice from now on!
This is the best friggin list I’ve ever read. Sharing with all my pregnoid friends now.
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Pregnoid….hahahha, I love it!
Crib bedding…I would only have needed that if I had a crib. Every single one of my three babies slept tight next to me…now if I could only get them out. It is kinda cramped in a queen size been with eight, six and four year olds laying claim to your pillow.
And that fancy stroller comes with a lot of straps too. First walk we took with our newborn I clipped her in like we were on a roller coaster. Funny thing was newborns don’t really move much, and those straps are hard to unclip when they are screaming about who knows what.
But no baby bath tub…What! You mean to suggest I put their little naked bum in toothpaste globs? No way!
You’re supposed to put them in the kitchen sink. Much bigger, and easier to clean before and after the bath. I’m one of 4 and we were all bathed in the kitchen sink until we were old enough to bathe together.
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Bathe together! What craziness…just kidding.
I also bathed all my children in what ever sink I could until they could attempt to sit up in the big tub with their sisters. My oldest thought it was great fun to grab the sprayer hose from the kitchen sink…it was then that we moved her to the big tub to avoid a full drenching.
I had a tub that had a little drain hose & I left the tub on the bathroom counter, next to the sink and used a washer hose attached to my sink nozzle with a garden adjustable spout on the other end. It was magnificent! Once they could sit up into the tub they went.
We did this $10 ducky blow up tub for the time between when lo was too old for the sink and too little to sit up by herself. I liked it bc we could take the air out when we were done. Much better purchase than the $30 tub.
My favorite thing about kitchen-sink-bathing was not having to lean over for a freaking half hour trying to hold on to a soapy slippery baby. I had my gallbladder out a week after my little plumpkin was born and couldn’t lean forward for months without hurting.
I’m very shocked to hear of so many people co-sleeping with their babies. It is so dangerous for the baby! A rocker or crib next to the bed is fine, but they should not be in the same bed if possible! It would be terrible if the baby got smothered.
I don’t know about that. Both my kids slept with me when they were small because I was too tired (or is that f’ing lazy) to get out of bed every 2 hours to feed, change then hope to get them or me back to sleep. I think you would be amazed at the extreme low numbers of parents who roll over onto their new baby. The number is so much lower than cribdeaths due to being strangled by bumber pad strings or by a blanket, or even a shade cord because someone thought the crib should be in front of a window in case the kids wants to see the sun rise or something.
You’d be surprised. My friend has worked at a hospital peds unit for 2 years. 3 out of the 5 babies she saw pass away was caused by cosleeping. I kno its tempting but i don’t think its worth it
That is probably a statistical improbability. In the US 1 in 1000 infant deaths are sleep related. SIDS is used ONLY if no other cause can be found for the death. Of the sleep related deaths reported less than 25% are co-sleeping related which brings the statistics up to 1 in 4000 being reported as co-sleeping related. So in order for someone to say that 3 of the 5 infant deaths they have witnessed were sleep related there would have had to be over 20000 infant deaths reported in that hospital in the 2 years she worked there. I would think that hospital would need to be investigated. In the US there are actually LESS infant deaths from co-sleeping than when the baby sleeps by itself in a crib or whatever.
I see what you’re saying, but it’s definitely not the hospitals fault that a parent accidentally rolled over on their baby. I don’t care if the statistics were 1 in 20,000. In my opinion, (which we’re all entitled to) it’s dangerous and not worth it. I don’t look down on anyone whe chooses to co-sleep b/c every parent is trying to do what is best for their baby! Of course it would have been easier for me to just sleep with my daughter since that’s ALL she wanted in the beginning lol but the little bugger got used to it & seems to be just fine in her bassinet right next to my bed :)
And most of those 1 in 4000 co-sleeping deaths involved drugs, alcohol, or sleeping on a couch instead of a bed. Since babies mimic the regular breathing patterns of their parents (keeping them from holding their breath as often), which they can’t do when they’re in a crib by themselves, I’d be scared NOT to co-sleep.
Dianne,
just can’t help but comment on this… I happen to teach statistics at the university level. So, I know a thing or two about it… saying “So in order for someone to say that 3 of the 5 infant deaths they have witnessed were sleep related there would have had to be over 20000 infant deaths reported in that hospital in the 2 years she worked there. ” is the same as saying that I am making, say, 60 000 and you are making 600 000, but each of us is making on average 330 000 :)))))))))))))
Freaking a people. “Chelsea” didn’t say “3 out of EVERY 5 deaths”, she said “3 out of THE 5″. Meaning her friend saw 5 babies die…and 3 of those were caused by co sleeping. Sheesh.
Thank you! it is nice to know that I am not the only one :)
I had a c-section and my husband worked a lot so my daughter slept with me all the time we had a crib in our room for her but by the middle of the night she just slept next to the milking machine and I never rolled or smothered her. she is five now and sleeping in.her own bed just fine
As long as you follow proper precautions, co sleeping is very safe. I did it with both my girls and they are excellent sleepers in their own beds/room now. People think you just stick baby in your bed to co sleep, not true. There are guidelines for safety. I actually slept better knowing they were there too, it was a win/win for us but I understand that’s its just not an option for others.
*that it’s
I co-slept with both of my children. 99% (not an actual statistic) of the co-sleeping deaths that you hear about are caused by the adult being under the influence. As long as you’re not drunk or drugged up (legally or illegally) your baby will be fine.
co-sleeping actually isnt anywhere near as dangerous as you may think , its called cot death for a reason not co-sleep death. unfortunately though, they bracket any sleeping not done in a cot as co-sleeping so when a mum is exhausted and falls asleep on sofa and suffocates little one its called co-sleeping when it is not. there are many many ways to co-sleep safely but you do have to follow the guidelines to ensure safety for the little one.
Perfectly safe as long as you aren’t drugged/drunk and practice proper safe sleeping.
Actually, in the majority of co-sleeping deaths that parent/caregiver was NOT under the influence. That is a huge myth. There are many, many ways OTHER than co-sleeping to bond with baby, so it makes sense to put them in a crib (without a bumper, blankets, pillows, etc.).
Wrong. I will give just one example.
http://www.milwaukee.gov/FIMR2010
If you look at the date presented around 97% of all sleep-related infant deaths had multiple risk factors other than co-sleeping, and on average there were four risk factors present. Evaluating total infant mortality in the region shows that around 0.5% of deaths have co-sleeping as the only risk factor. Evidence actually suggests that an infant has a greater chance of being murdered (2.4% of cases) than die from strictly co-sleeping. It would be reasonable to conclude from this data that risk factors other than co-sleeping were the causative agent in infant deaths.
Stop with the fear mongering. Sharing a bed with a child is not something new and not something parents have just started doing. It is just talked about now in the US where as in the past it has not. Globally it how many families sleep and there are few risks involved.
You do for your family as you choose and I’ll do for mine.
And I don’t share a bed with my children so I can bond with them. It is only one of many reasons. Mostly it is what works for us. Cribs are not what works for myself and my children and I don’t view them as safer.
I was speaking directly to caregivers/parents being under the influence. The FIMR report confirms this – in only about 18% of deaths was a parent/caregiver under the influence (clearly, NOT that majority.) I didn’t say anything about other risk factors. I am from Milwaukee and work in social services, and I am VERY familiar with the FIMR report.
I am not fear-mongering. I understand that co-sleeping can be done safely, but I think that spreading the message that it is always safe is a disservice. There are many factors that can make co-sleeping unsafe – prematurity, tobacco use, sleeping in bed with other children, sleeping in bed with a person other than the mother and father, sleeping on a very soft mattress with blankets and pillows, etc. – and if one is promoting co-sleeping, time needs to be spent on educating parents about these factors. Unfortunately, this is not typically done. While co-sleeping is done safely in many cultures, these cultures are much different than the US, and this should not be used as an argument for co-sleeping.
I didn’t see anyone “promoting” it. I think, as with all things, when you say it’s perfectly safe, you mean it’s perfectly safe when done properly. I mean, parenting is perfectly safe….unless you’re high or drunk. Isn’t that just common sense? I think you ARE fear mongering.
I agree that time should be spent educating about the safe, responsible way to Co-sleep. Unfortunately though more time is spent telling new moms how horrible it is and that you shouldn’t do it. This only results in families who choose to co-sleep doing it in “secret” because of the stigma attached. This was at least my experience. My son is 9 months old and has slept with my husband and me since he was 1 month. I did lots of research about it and felt comfortable in my decision, but still felt that i couldn’t talk about it because of how it is viewed. Now when people ask my about my experiences with my son, i proudly admit i Co-sleep. I tell them it was the right decision for my family and that it should only be done properly and safely. I only wish this is the advise i would have gotten a year ago.
Co-sleeping can be a safe and enjoyable experience. It gets a lot of bad rap. Truth of the matter is that a baby can die from improper co-sleeping as well as SIDS in their crib alone… There are many studies done that suggest the babys heart can stop and actually be triggered to re-start and stabilize breathing when the child is against the mother.
My son co-slept, slept in his bassinet, as well as in his crib. All these things worked for us at different times. My son was a June baby so laying on our bed with just a fitted sheet and no pillows (pool noodles under the sheets on the end to keep him from rolling off of a side) was awesome. I got much needed sleep and bonding time with him.
To this day at 19 months old he will still get in bed with us.
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My newborn son would have died in a similar manner if he were’t sleeping with me! I dreamed he was cold and I needed to call 911. Woke up and he was cold as ice and not breathing. I jiggled him in panic and he gasped and started breathing again. He hadn’t stopped breathing because he was laying next to me- I wasn’t on him and there wasn’t anything near his face! We were lying in the identical position we’d been in when we fell asleep- on my side with him on his back next to me in his sleep sack and his arm was touching my chest, feet against my belly. If he’d been in a crib I wouldn’t have felt that he was cold and woken up. He might not be a healthy 4 year old complaining that there are too many toys to clean up at this moment if he hadn’t been in bed with me that night.
4littlecuties, you must have been terrified! This and many other reasons are why I co-sleep with my now 7 month old. Thank you for sharing. I will tell your story when I get heat from people about co-sleeping!!
Wow, I hadn’t even thought of that, but now that I look back on it, that was something I appreciated too, but didn’t realize it. I was SOOOOO paranoid with my first two kids, worried they’d die of SIDS, and I’d wake up and run to their rooms to hear them breathing. With my 3rd, we co-slept because he would NOT stay asleep in the crib, and would stay asleep in our bed. I never had to wonder how he was doing. It was reassuring having him next to me.
put a towel or a muslin nappy in the sink first then sit the baby in. Honestly worked a treat forme until she was six months and more and cold share a bath with me.
I’m still giggling. I read it to my husband who laughed. I just have the one kid, but I bought a ton of stuff off craigslist. I found if you don’t use it, the husband doesn’t get as upset as if buying it new. I’ll say this though, it pays to have wealthy, emotionally detached family members. They tend to over compensate with expensive toys, clothes, and strollers. Thanks for your blog. I feel less alone now. lol
Bahaha LOVE IT!! Had everything imaginable for the first kid. The 4th….well she lived in zip up sleepers and car seat?!? Hell we didn’t even leave the house!
Hilarious! And i agree on all points. Especially the stupid wipes warmer. All mine ever did was dry out all the wipes. It was awful. I do have one of those fancy double strollers but it was bought used for under 50 bucks and it took me a week and lots of googling to figure out how to work the damn thing.
Loved the Bumbo! We actually had a different brand. I used it as a a makeshift high chair for feedings for all my kids. I don’t think it helped them sit, but it was a good source of entertainment, since the ones we had came with a tray and an attachable toy.
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When my niece asked for a Bumbo seat, I had a very hard time requesting it in the store — not because of any problem I had with the seat itself, but because the name is a really serious curse word in Jamaican patois! I’m a well-brought-up Jamaican woman, and couldn’t bring myself to say the name — I just pointed!
BAHAHA! By the way, I have three (count ‘em, THREE) lovely crib quilts I now have NO IDEA what to do with. At least one’s got a 4″ rip in it from our cats. That one I don’t have to worry about.
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Bumbo seats have been recalled because it’s far too easy for babies to fall out. Multiple skull fractures have been reported.
Like the majority of baby item recalls, this was due to parents leaving the child unattended and on unsafe surfaces.
The Bumbo seat was recalled because of babies falling out, especially when left, oh i dont know, unattended on a table! However, it is just in need of a safety strap and you can go here http://www.recall.bumbousa.com/determine.php to order a repair kit and fix it yourself at home.
Sure. All you have to do is make sure the seat never leaves the floor, buy an extra safety strap, and never ever take your eyes off the child for one second even on the floor and strapped in. Perfectly safe.
I used my Bumbo for feeding! Loved it!
Same here! Bumbo made a great travel booster seat and first highchair. The Boppy however… THAT was a complete waste of my time. Most people disagree with me on that one though. :)
Haha, after 2 kids I finally realized what I did and didn’t need for my 3rd. Little princess is technically hubby’s 2nd but the first he’s had the pleasure of experiencing from pregnancy to birth and so forth so you can imagine what it was like baby shopping for her. He wanted the wipes warmer, the best of the best in baby furniture and even wanted the damn diaper geninie.(Had it with my first and I stopped using it after the first 8 months cause the damn baggy things got too expensive and it didn’t help with the smell.) I told him plastic shopping bags are just as effective and free. To compromise I did tell him if he wanted any of the “useless crap” he could put it on our baby registry. Do you know we got almost everything we asked for….including the darn spa bath. Little princess is spoiled.
I always feel a little guilty when I put poopy diapers in a grocery sack! It takes how long for a plastic sack to biodegrade? And then how much longer for the diaper to do the same?? It’s like a poopy diaper time capsul!!!! Lol
I agree with most of this, however the bumbo seat made things a lot easier when the youngest was sick of being on his back and one of the older kids needed my attention. I could put him in the bumbo with a toy and get done what needed done without the baby screaming.
As far as the baby clothes go, you can include piss yellow, vomit green, and sweet potato orange
OMG You are sooo my heroin today!! As a first time mom I have been looking at all this stuff and been over-whelmed with all the BS.. I mean.. cool baby stuff in Babies R Us *whistles innocently* and thinking my mother NEVER used any of this and I turned out fine! My mother was all google eyed and drooling over all the cool gadgets and like “we’ll get this and this and this and….”! Don’t get me wrong, my nursery looks awesome with its matching paint, painted murals and crib but my son isn’t gonna be in there for the first how ever long due to my hubby putting a bassinet in our own room (he’s nuts).. Anyway Thank YOU!!! for the laugh and honesty! And for real!! Who needs a car seat ;)
Truth be told, most of the stuff people bought us for our sons baby shower does nothing more than take up space in my storage closet now.
Even with a second on the way it probably still won’t get used because it really was pointless…
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You wil be happy you have a bassinet in your room. With my newborns I could hear them wake & rustle & could nurse them without waking hubby or the other kids. An awake but not screaming baby is much easier to deal with at night. They each went to their own room when they were 5 months
btw, I used the Pack-n-Play with the bassinet & changing table, not a just bassinet. It served me well until age four or so for travel, outside time, etc. with each kid.
And while we are on traveling, the other article is hilarious, but other than an unexpected layover we had few incidents traveling. My kids learned very early to behave when in public including at restaurants. :)
It’s true. By baby number two, we way cut back. Except we did do cloth diapers, so there was that. But not the point. We found we didn’t buy a lot of “stuff.”
I’m a nut about carseats, though. My almost 11 year old is still in a booster, huzzah!
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I bet your almost 11 year old is so psyched they are still in a booster.
He’s pretty content to know that he has a much higher likelihood of walking away from an accident than his peers who are not in boosters seats. There’s not a single thing wrong with having your priorities in the right place.
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Is he under 80# & under 4’9″? Booster seats are more about their weight & where the seat belt hits them than anything else. Of course, a five point restraint in the safest, but going there likely would get you admitted for neurosis.
My 8 year old will be in a seat until she reaches the 80# weight, which may very well be age 12 if she follows my growth pattern.
Yes, he is. And I know what to look for to determine when he’s protected by the seatbelt alone, but he’s not yet. It still rises up on his hips/midsection and cuts across his neck. So he’s not tall enough.
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It has been almost 14 years since my last baby and I have no idea what a bumbo is, but I wholeheartedly agree with this list. I still remember all of the senseless baby thing that I bypassed or witnessed other douchey type moms buy because they thought they were essentials.the baby bathtub is my favorite on the list. You will kill your back if you put into the tub to fill it and use it, then it must be emptied, stored and kept clean. The sink saves your back. I used to put a baby forming spongey thing I found for about 5 bucks in the sink and bathe my kids that way.I also used to purchase lots of baby and toddler clothes at resale shops. They get pooped and barfed on anyway, I had a good friend who thought the clothes were somehow not sterile enough ,even when washed to be good enough for her baby…the one thing I have seen today that I wish had been invented when mine were babies is that awesome grocery shopping cart seat cover that encapsulated the entire seat and cart handle. That would have been wonderful to have!
Bumbo seats are the scariest, most unsafe product to come out in ages.
I agree with you! My daughter, kid #3 is an escape artist, she did not last 3 minutes in there before topeleing over! I used to put the bumbo backed up against our couch, then put pillows all around her to avoid her hitting her head on the wood floor. I then realized that I could forgo the pillow if I used the foam tile play floor thingies we have. In hindsight, I should just bought her a brain-bucket! THAT is a much better idea! :)
Dude, totally. I had one with my oldest and it took her 30 seconds to twist out and smack her head on the floor. Never used it again. Gave it to a friend and warned her what happened to my daughter but hers enjoyed it and never had a problem.
You do have a point there with the bumbo seats. I used one with my grandson. I used it while feeding him…..I sat it on the table but I never walked away while he was in it….same thing with sitting it on the couch…..was right there. I used it on the floor with him to give him something else to do besides lying on his back or swinging. I read about the recall….or whatever so I ordered the strap to install. I couldn’t see how that was going to help. The last time I put him in it was while his mommy was over and that was the first time he threw himself backwards in it. We were next to him so he didn’t go anywhere and she said “right there could have been a head injury had he been sitting on a hard surface.” I agreed, but he was never left unattended without someone right there and even then sometimes things happen. I would never use one again.
Exactly, what is the point of a product that isn’t safe unless your holding it in place? Why not just hold them on your lap? I know, what a concept!
OOPS, grammatical error
The Bumbo seat was recalled because of babies falling out, especially when left, oh i dont know, unattended on a table! However, it is just in need of a safety strap and you can go here http://www.recall.bumbousa.com/determine.php to order a repair kit and fix it yourself at home.
The cart thing is a swell idea- if you can keep it clean & have time to wash it after any messy outing.
Oh the wipes warmer. Whatever the liquid is in baby wipes, it is chemically designed to drop 45 degrees of temperature the very instant you pull it out of the wipes warmer. I’m not kidding, within 2 nanoseconds of you peeling a toasty wipe out of the warmer it is cold enough to wrap around your 5 year old’s yogurt tube to keep it a safe temperature. Forget ice in your beer cooler, try pre-heated baby wipes instead for a frosty brew.
Yes, the wipes warmer does warm the wipes, just as long as you leave them in the warmer.
God, those stupid pee-pee tee-pees! My MIL was all into that trendy crap for her grandchild and went on and on about them. The first time I tried to use one, it wouldn’t stay on because my son was wiggling so much. I spent more time trying to keep that darn thing on! We trashed them and stuck with the putting a wipe over the junk trick.
The Bumbo is great. Just don’t post any photos of your child actually using it before he/she can actually sit up…because using a Bumbo before they can sit up on their is bad for their spines….and you will catch an ear full!!
I used mine once when we were on a trip basically to restrain her after she sat up. Useless otherwise.
LOVE this list. Made me feel so ahead of the curve when I looked at the stuff I passed on when my twins were born. OK, so in reality, we were too damn broke and unsure how the hell we were going to pay for two kids instead of one to go to daycare, so our beautiful first born children got a craigslist crib and a baby nursery that still hasn’t been finished (they’re four now). I will say we splurged on the baby bathtub and they did have lots of clothes that went over their heads. As for the carseat — they survived. J/K of course. ;) Love your site.
Karen, thank you for the morning laugh! And for writing this post before me. You’re funnier than I am anyways. :)
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Herein lies the reason I feel lucky that the husband and I were the last ones on each side of the family to have a baby. I knew enough not to get a fancy bedding sets (even now, Rolling Dude only has 2 crib sheets), and wipes warmers (seriously?!). Most of his clothes were hand-me-downs, except for maybe 5 outfits and Rolling Dude is 5 months old. However, my husband built the crib (he researched safety specs online and discovered why so many cribs get recalled) and he built it to standard size. After we purchased a mattress, we discovered that it was 1″ too short/narrow all the way around. I used a secondhand bumper (I got a lot of stuff at Salvation Army) to wedge between the mattress and the crib frame. No suffocation hazard, it looks pretty cute, and he won’t roll between the mattress and the frame. Win-win!
That’s what I used my bumper for too. :)
I agree with Erika Marie and Leigh Ann. We used ours for a high chair.
I’m still laughing and can’t quite quit. This is freakin hilarious! Love it!
Clothes. Holy shit, tell people not to get you clothes. I got piles of cute things for my son and he rarely wore any of them. Especially not the adorable, but totally impractical, jean jacket.
Toys. Given the choice between the recycling bin and his toy box, he’ll pick the empty milk jug and an old medicine bottle every damn time. My mom is all pissed at me that he won’t play with the obnoxious talking dog she gave him. Like it’s my fault he’d rather eat Kleenex and chew on dirty socks raided from the laundry (guess who just toddled by with a nylon in his mouth).
Baby Bullet, baby food storage cups, and anything like it. Guess what: those fancy OXO baby food cups shatter if dropped out of the freezer. So do the $0. 50 Glad ones. Use silicon ice cubes trays instead because later they can actually make non-baby stuff.
Girly diaper bag. Want your husband to carry the diaper bag and go out with your baby without you sometimes? A giant floral bag will guarantee you’re the only one schlepping it.
I got a medium-sized black backpack that snapped, not zipped. (At a baby store) It sufficed for twins as well as when I had 4 under 5. The twins are now ten & my hub was totally bummed on our last airport trip this year because the magnetic snap closure broke & we had to trash it. Loved that bag & it never screamed baby or girlie.
best way i see to get the man to take the kid out on the town, let him pick out the bag, easy as that! if he can pick it out, then he can carry the damn thing lol
Can I add that by the time you get to baby #3 the need for a fancy baby bag goes out the window..I could do wonders with a tote bag, 2 diapers , a ziploc bag with a few wipes, 1 change of clothes, a bottle (once she started bottle feeding) and a toy…less crap to cart around
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Heck who needs a diaper bag? I just carried a big purse that fit everything I needed. It wad hard enough to carry my purse and carrier let alone a bulky diaper bag! ;)
Was*
Totally agree. I also put my minimalist purse stuff in there. i.e.. one credit card, a bit of cash & my keys.
I have four kids and never used a diaper bag. Had a purse, put a couple diapers, some wipes, and the bottle in there and we were out the door.
Conversely, one thing I didn’t have at first that did help a lot: a swing. We’re down with Dr. Sears, but unlike Mrs. Sears, sometimes I need to not hold a baby. Like for instance when I go to my own job.
Our kid’s head was frighteningly small (it’s catching up), so the clothes over the head thing was never a problem for us. I agree with many of the others — the adorable whale bath we bought is going to Goodwill before I have my next baby. Our wipes warmer and Bumbo were well-meaning gifts (so I’m hanging on to them for a while…), but I’ve never even plugged in the warmer, and the fact that you’re not supposed to put the Bumbo on a table made it seem pretty useless. If he was on the floor, he was on his tummy.
Like epidural-free childbirth, I loved the idea of cloth diapering, before I had to do either. I bought like five sets of cloth diapers before the baby was born. And then when we got him home from the hospital, where we’d learned to function with disposables, I never found the time to put the little lining parts with the the cute little outer layer parts there by the changing table where I’d need them. Never wanted to persuade my husband to help process extremely soiled linens in a timely and hygienic fashion to Save The Earth, either. We bike to work. That’ll have to suffice for now.
I didn’t get any of that crap with either of my kids, except the baby bath tub, but the boy hated it so we just took him in the shower with us until he could sit up and play on his own. My daughter got all the hand-me-downs, so she didn’t get anything cool either. Hell, we didn’t even get a crib. We just had a pack-’n-play that we use after they’ve outgrown the bassinet. Also, we skipped the toddler bed completely for a bunk bed. What is the point of spending $300 on a bed that’s only going to last 2 years tops?
Lol, all 3 of my kids with the pack n play as a bed as well…. It ruled! :)
We moved into a regular bed at 18 months with rails on both sides. Much more comfy & I could lay down if needed on sick days.
I just wanted to say that I have used my wipe warmer a total of… *clickity clacking on a calculator*
ONE time.
It was a freezing cold night, and I wiped my one-year-old’s butt with a cold wipe. She screamed and cried an threw a fit!
So I dug the damn thing out of the closet, plugged it in, to use for the next diaper change.
When the next diaper change came around, I took a wipe out, and it seemed like a good temp. Until my disapproving daughter threw another fit.
So I just took a cold wipe, warmed it up between my hands, and that was apparently the perfect temp for her pampered little butt.
And I’m not kidding when I say that I never had to do all of this again, because it hasn’t gotten that cold again. :/
This grandma found this generally hilarious – just for editorial accuracy – the turds get flushed down the toilet and THEN the cloth goes into the washer. Having said that, baby two – now all grown – was in disposables.
My girls are 12 and 8, so didn’t have to deal with Bumbo and obviously pee pee tents. Totally agree with the bedding sets. My girls slept in the bouncy seat next to our bed for the first four months. Then we had three fitted crib sheets total for the crib. When they were finally old enough for a blanket, we threw one on them from our stash of 8 million handmade blankets that everyone seems to think babies need. Which they don’t.
I would add Diaper Genie to the list. After two months we sold it. We threw wet diapers straight in the trash in the garage. Poopy diapers were tied up in the plastic bags that newspapers were delivered in.
The homemade blankets are nice because they provide a bit of warmth while being holey enough to breathe through if baby decided to put it over his/her head.
I agree with everything! Except both baby and I love the baby bathtub. It’s worked great for us but you are totally right about how inconvenient it is to store! Hubby hates it. ;)
Bedding and bumbos and diaper warmers… All things I resisted and told people not to bother buying me! Fitted crib sheets, sure! Fancy bumpers and quilts, no thanks! Although we had some beautiful handmade quilts that are perfect for tummy time. :)
If we waited until our sink was empty or clean enough to bathe a baby in, baby would never get a bath. At least with the baby tub, the only thing we have to do is fill the g.d. thing. It’s always ready!
One thing we could not live without is the rock-n-play sleeper – best thing ever. Baby slept in that in our room for the first month. It’s smaller than a pack-n-play so baby is cozy. Also partially upright for those congested, snoring babies. Love it! :)
We did pass on the diaper genie, wipes warmer, bottle warmer, & Bumpo thingy. Should have passed on the pacifiers – baby is having NOTHING to do with them. Tried three different kinds. Just survived baby’s first xmas — is it wrong to suggest to people skip the presents and maybe help us pay for daycare or save for college instead?? Already feeling buried by baby stuff, lets add a bunch of obnoxious toys. Gah…
Just ask everyone for clothes in the next size up. With 2 older ones, we did NOT need any toys for this one. I asked for 6-9 month clothes and ended up getting a crap load of 3-6 clothes (that will only fit for a month at most) and toys. Thank God Kohl’s took it all back. Got an $80 gift card that I can now go buy the right size clothes.
I totally agree on the bathtub. I can bathe my daughter super fast in her little tub that fits on the counter (so I don’t have to bend over the bathtub). If I had to do the dishes first and then sanitize the sink…yeah she’d never get a bath. And there’s no way my chunky baby would fit in the bathroom sink.
Here is a review of the cultural pages of the portal.
http://szuflada.net/?p=10062#more-10062
Klaudia Maksa recently posted..Wyznania upiornej mamuśki – Jill Smokler
Review of the book “Confessions of a Scary Mommy” in Polish, of course
Klaudia Maksa recently posted..Wyznania upiornej mamuśki – Jill Smokler
Agreed. That Bumbo thing is totally stupid.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Satan Invented Genetic Screening
We’re expecting our second child in about 8 weeks and every time I walk into Target I repeat this entire list to myself so I don’t spend money on stupid but REALLY cute stuff I KNOW we’re not going to use.
I have a wipe warmer. It came free and won’t BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. In fact most women have a wipe warmer, they just don’t know it. Just stick the wipe in your bra for a few seconds. It will thaw those wipes that you have been keeping in your car in the -50 degree weather in a matter of seconds. If that doesn’t work, just hold it in your hand (this works for men too).
3 young moms chatting in junction of mall ways, all with strollers sporting Coach logo fabric. Further comments not PC.
Virginia Llorca recently posted..Multi-layered Irony
I have noticed a couple things you forgot on your list. Those little hand mittens so they don’t scratch their eyes out and the hats that come with them. Ya know, the hats u keep putting on over and over again because every time ur kid moves their head the damn things fall off.
Never had a wipe warmer, Bumbo, or anything fancy for my kids. Did have car seats and had to keep my youngest in one until she turned 8 because of the stupid ticket I got. I don’t know how I survived since they never had car seats until the eighties. We used the crib quilt on the floor so the babies could play until they could sit up and crawl. I also never bought canned baby food or a ‘baby food maker’ for mine. My oldest daughter screamed when she noticed that her food looked totally different than ours. I just adjusted what we ate until she got older. She’s thirteen now.
“Well, at least that cute leopard-print onesie with the Burberry trim is soooo adorable maybe no one will notice that your child is headless.”
Fave line.
Most relatable moment? Wipes Warner’s = pussy butt.
Mwah!
Ninja Mom recently posted..Lies and the lying moms who lie them
I agree with all except the bumbo. Loved the bumbo for my son who was constantly constipated. I tried so many remedies & exercises but the bumbo was the only thing that consistently worked. The combination of the upright posture, gravity & the pressure of him being crammed in there achieved success in under 60 seconds. Only downside was it usually involved a huge assplosion that required a bath for clean up!
Thank God I’m not the only one! I called it the bumbo pot. My son would really be in it for less than 5 minutes and poop. And yes, I’d almost always have to do a load of laundry afterward.
On that note: cloth diapers. I do more loads of shitty laundry when I use disposables than if he’s in cloth diapers. You get a liner and flush, simple.
yep! I hadn’t thought of that, but yep! It was a running (haha pun) joke in this house for a couple of months that every time I put Sebastian into the Bumbo, I was guaranteed to have to remove him and poo-covered thighs and clothes and bleach the Bumbo seat because every time I put him in there, he would have an assplosion.
Same here. I loved the bumbo bc my son liked to sit all the time (nosey) before he could do it on his own. It was also great for “helping” him cleanse.
Thank you for posting this. I loved it all. I have a friend and she is always talking about all of the cute designer cloths she is gathering for her unborn child. She has spent a total of 750. on it so far. And she is not rich at all. We are not so close but we do not talk from time to time. I asked her if she has got any diapers. Her answer is that she has 3 more months and that is not a major concern at this point. And she was thinking of the cloth diaper route. I have two kids and I am so glad that I have found this site because it is so helpful to me and with my friend I want to tell her so bad what I really think. It just wouldn’t help, I fear. I know we tend to go overboard with the first kid. But I came from a family of hand me downs and my first child had allot of donations. Like 10 bags. And I have to say the bumbo seat. My daughter never had one. I was given one at my shower for my second. And it is useless. I think that it is best to hold your child and teach them without one. I used it until he was able to wriggle and move his way out of it. (5 and 1/2 months. And he would also topple over because it was so light weight. My kids preferred tummy time. Well that’s all for now. Thank you again.
I’ve gotten poop and spit up on EVERY POSSIBLE thing. Rug, clothing, towels, wall, you name it, it’s been pooped and piked on. I have NEVER had staining issues. You run a load of laundry immediately, warm wash cold rinse. Wash at the same temperature it originated and you’ll be fine. Unless you formula fed? That can peel paint. It smells like fart going IN.
Once I trained my (33-year-old) husband on how to do laundry correctly, he stopped making sure that poop and bananas really hung on to all my son’s cutest clothes. We haven’t had problems with poop stains at all since we switched to formula, so I think preventing stains is down to using hot water on light colors more than breastfeeding or not.
Baby #1 had all of these things, even the wipes warmer! By #4, she was lucky to have her own carseat.
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I agree bout everything cept the Bumbo, both kids loved it and then I sold it off so I didn’t have to spend all that much on it, win.
Never mind that babies don’t walk or that it’s hard to get shoes onto them. It fucking HURTS when they kick you if they have shoes on. It hurts even if they aren’t shod. And your baby WILL kick you.
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Hahah, *shod*…. that’s great.
On a sidenote, I am so glad to have found a forum of common sense. Just hit 12 weeks along, trying to remember all the little things about helping raise my nephew half a lifetime ago, this is helping. I don’t think this bumpo/bumbo was used/ existed 15 years ago? At least not in our house! lol.
And to the author… THANK YOU for your willingness to write as you speak… I too cuss like a sailor and appreciate having a site to read that is genuine and not “pregnancy and babies is cupcakes and unicorns!” I am grateful for the nephew experience, not going into my own childrearing with any delusions! lol
OMG!!!! I have not laughed so hard in a long time! I love the way you write. You are right on point with this one, though. As a first-time mom, I did most of these things. Luckily, I got them as part of my baby shower, but I would’ve bought them if I didn’t get them all there. The only thing that I used (past the first 24 hours) is the baby bathtub. As irritating as it is to find a place to store that huge thing, it is a lifesaver to save some water and some time. Call it the lazy side of me. Great post!
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Oh come on, everyone knows you need a Bumbo so you can put your baby in it on the kitchen table, go take a shower and then sue the company when your baby falls out…
Ha. I actually loved the Bumbo (not for THAT reason), I used it for feeding as well and as a portable high chair at friend’s houses etc.
Everything else is bang on though!!! :)
Haha
I don’t care what other moms comment on how bad of a mom u r. But I F’ing LOVE ur blogs and everything u have to say! U tell it how it is not caring what anyone has to say or judge about. I wish I would have read this 9 month ago! Way b4 I had my little guy!
We had twins the second time. Used cloth diapers as a pee pee teepee. Also, yes 2 bath tubs. We have a garden tub, so would put both in their tubs in it with their older brother in the middle. All 3 in the tub at the same time didn’t have to wonder what the others were up to. Had a triple stroller which was a bitch to maneuver but let me have a life.
LOL, we actually have and use a few of those items. I totally agree about the shoes, clothes and the bumbo seat.
Thankfully we never bought shoes and only bought a few newborn size clothes, but yeah, we got suckered in to buying a bumbo. Complete waste of money.
Bumbos are useless!!!!! WTF?? Babies have been sitting up for ages without those stupid things. I bought one for my son and he hated it. He cried whenever I put him in it. Plus the rubber they are made out of is always freezing. Total waste of money!
That is so funny. The Bumbo saved my life! My babies wanted me to carry them around ALL the time. That’s great, except for when you need to do housework. When I was doing laundry, I’d set my kids in it and hand them a toy…they would sit there watching everything I did while they chewed on something. I DO NOT think it teaches them to sit (that’s ridiculous), but I do think it is great for setting them next to you at a low level while you do things. Loved it! I suppose there is no “right” answer to any of these things…everyone’s kids and lives are so different.
Shannon recently posted..The Mother In Law Prenup
I agree. Loved my Bumbo. I didn’t use it a lot with my first because he was a preemie and didn’t sit up until after he was 1 year. But I did use it with my second. He’s a “clinger”. Holy moly. That was an easy “here, sit and watch me do this while you play (and not get into other stuff)” kind of thing.
Pee pee tee pees dumbest effing thing EVER!! Throw a wipe on it. Have the clean diaper open and ready to go. To much pressure on little ones belly it’s a wrap.
i had 2 boys and never used pee pee tee pees..when i put a diaper on them i would just make sure their little weewee was pointing down instead of up…..worked for me…
I am confused by all the car seat comments. In most states you have to have one to even take your baby home and get a huge fine if you are stopped without one. Instead of fancy strollers or bedding, our money went to car seats for each car. In Texas, it is the law.
The carseat comments are all jokes. Just meant to be cute cuz that is one of theb few, indisputable must haves!
I love your complete lack of a sense of humour! As much as I’d love to go on a rant about how you should take a minute or 2 to have a Calgon moment and try not to be so anal and ridiculous, I have to go – little Joey is running with scissors and little Katie is playing in traffic.
Oh, boy. There is way too much junk sold in baby shops these days, such weird and unnecessary things.
I can relate to all of this – stained sheets, clothes not going on, etc. I’ve never even heard of a wipes warmer before. But I can assure you it isn’t needed. Just hold the wipe in your hands for a few seconds to warm it up.
Mercy recently posted..Our Trip to Mangalore
I totally agree with all of this. My first one, a boy, had it all. My second had a few new things since she was a girl. By the time I had my third and had gotten rid of all the stuff from one and two, (they were 10 and 7 when third was born, and we had moved cross country to a place with no basements for storage) Almost everything came from yard sales. They hubs is way more accomidating if you didn’t pay half your life savings for it. I totally agree with all of your list! Wipe warmers are retarded. If you spend any time out in public you will have issues with the cold ones and your child will scream bloody murder for every public change. And I get that you don’t actually put poop in the washer, but who wants to stand over a toilet and scrape all that crap off before putting it in the washer? 10 times a day…Gross!
Cloth diapers are quite easy to dump or rinse out in the toilet. I used them with both boys (early 80′s and plastic diapers were too expensive for 2 kids). By the time they got big enough to REALLY poop a lot, I was an expert and could rinse out a diaper without even getting my fingers damp, no scraping is required.
And anything that closes with buttons for at least the first year, probably more (haven’t gotten past the first year yet). Baby Gap, I love you, but if you sell Grandma and Auntie K ONE MORE THING with buttons in the front/back/shoulder we’re going to have to break up. Seriously.
Wait. I thought car seats WERE mini-cribs? So you really only need one or the other, right? Until they learn that roll maneuver and that’s when you’re screwed. ;-) Enjoyed this post! Hope there’s more from you in the future.
Crystal
Crystal recently posted..3 Life-Saving Tips for OCD Moms
Both my girls slept in there car seats next to my bed for the first month. They seemed to like them better than being all flat in the bassinette. Totally agree on them being a car seat/bed.
Actually, it is NEVER recommended to let a baby sleep in the car seat outside of the car. Car seats are for the car. Babies Oxygen Saturation levels are decreased in the car seat. This is dangerous. Just saying.
You have obviously never had a child that couldn’t fall asleep until you put him in his carseat and drove around the block 10 times. Then your baby falls asleep and you don’t want to move him because the moment you do, his eyes pop open and he magically stays up for hours like his 5 min sleep was enough sleep for his life
I have two children. My oldest had milk and soy allergies, colic, a lip tie, and sensory issues. She did not sleep through the night until she was 3 years old. She had excema that bled and reflux. She was sick 24/7, I lost. Jobs over having to be home with her in one year. Not a pissing contest. I just urge you to research oxygen saturation levels and car seats. I actually never slept the first 6 months, we took 2 hour shifts with her on us, in a sling. My point was it is not safe or recommended to have a baby sleep in a car seat outside of the car and not for long periods without monitoring them often and arousing them.
I know all about o2 saturation my youngest had problems with his o2 saturation. I was just being silly. No need to take offense. And recommendation noted. :)
I bought my DD a bunch of those white onesies from Gerber. Yep, I am an asshole. She can shit all over them, and I can just toss them out because they are inexpensive. She has some cute clothes, don’t get me wrong, but when it’s just me and her for the day, she goes in a white onesie. She doesn’t care, as long as she gets to punch me in the boob when she is hungry, she is fine.
I would add a sterilizer to that list. First of all, everyone has at least one pot right? BINGO sterilizer. Secondly, the minute you take it out of ither the scalding hot water or the fancy schmanzy sterilizer it hits the air and BAM…unsterilized! And even if you get it through the air sterilized, where do you put it? A paper towel, a plate, a plastic tupperware, which are all 1. exposed to air and 2. completely unsterilized!! So what is the point?!?!
If I did it over again with #1, only sleepers first six months!
My kiddo hated baths till she could sit up so we just did like half baths every few days (sometimes it was like a week, I know, I know) and then finally she was in the inflatable duck bath (which was like $12 and worked awesome…just a pain in the butt to store in between baths). I wasn’t into the sink bath. I’m too paranoid about chicken guts and baby butts in the same sink.
I love our wipe warmer. I even put his PJs on top of it while he takes a bath and it warms them ever so slightly. No, it doesn’t help for the cold public ones (but mine would scream over public changes warm OR cold) but it sure does help in the middle of the night. If he’s happy about it… I’ll take 1/2 of the time warm and comfy instead of always cold. :P The rest of the stuff… yeah, what you said. Ha! Ha!
You forgot CRIB. Seriously. A crib. I have five children and two grandchildren. My children are 24, 17. 15, 2 and 1. Yep. 2 and 1! Started completely over, I did. And because Sophie (2) was a later-in-life baby, my husband and I were a bit better off than when my other children were born, and because she was my husband’s first and certain to be his ONLY child, we opted to buy her the most beautiful crib (omg, it converts to a toddler bed, then a full size bed – it’s a great investment!) for over $1200. It is gorgeous. Don’t think it isn’t. But, Sophie will be 3 in April, and we found out that our miracle baby girl was maybe not really the miracle child because OOPS! that shit happened again and we found ourselves pregnant (and completely fucking SHELLSHOCKED wh
en she was not quite 2), and neither Sophie nor her little brother, Sebastian has ever ever ever slept a night in that gorgeous crib. NEVER. I’m still sleeping with baby in bed with me. Sophie finally started sleeping in a toddler bed two weeks ago, but not the gorgeous cherry wood crib-converted-to-a-toddler-bed. No, not that. She insisted that she NEEDED and wouldn’t have anything less than the Disney Princess/Tinkerbell plastic cheap-ass toddler bed we saw at a garage sale and bought for $20. So there ya go.
I agree with everything except for the wipee warmer and the Bumbo comments.
When you first take home your baby, and you have to change their diaper and feed them MANY times in the middle of the night, you do not want a cold wipee to take them to a more alert level, which requires more soothing and time(time which you are DYING to use for sleep). In the beginning, it was a great thing to have. After they started sleeping through the night, I stopped plugging it in and just used it to hold wipees next to the changing table. It lasted through two babies, and probably still works. Love it.
The Bumbo?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! When you have a baby that is like a barnacle, and you need to actually get things done, the Bumbo is perfect. I would put my babies in that thing and hand them a toy to chew on while they watched me fold clothes or do a little cleaning, and they were happy as clams. I don’t know about the whole teaching them to sit thing, I never worried about that.
Shannon recently posted..The Mother In Law Prenup
I just shat myself laughing so hard. This woman is hilarious. and it’s funny because it’s ALL SO TRUE.
I died reading the wipes thing. HILARIOUS.
Oh, thank you, I so needed that laugh this morning! 9 months preggers with #2 and sleeping like shiiiiiiit (having a gymboree class on my bladder all night and subsequently needing to pee every hour on the hour kinda does that!) Needless to say, sleep deprivation was looking to make my morning with my preschooler less than spectacular. Funny how a good laugh can fix a lot (not too hard to make a pregnant woman pee her pants though, so no kudos there ;) ) Thanks for the laughs, keep it up!
Another thing that’s totally useless is a nappy sack baller thing. You put dirty nappies into a bag which is attached to a roll in a machine. You then screw it round and it balls the nappy up. It then goes into the machines bin. The roll is ready for the next heap a steaming poop.
Problem
1It falls over
2 it’s expensive
3 it takes ages to work out how to use it
4 in the middle of the night it’s downstairs and you are buggered if you’re going to trapes down stairs to package poop up so chuck the nappy tightly taped onto the bedroom floor. Making mental note to yourself not to stand on it when you next wake.
5 it stores quite a few so you have a bacteria farm all of your very own in your house with a multiplying feacal matter lid which can infect everyone including your little bundle
6 I’m not emptying it. It’s steaming and smells like poop
7 it’s not something anyone wants to buy second hand
8 husbands won’t use it they mock it
9 you deserve all of the above IF you actually decided to purchase one at Scabies R Us
10…er…oh yeah. You can’t buy the bags to put in the roll on it easily so you end up putting the nappy in the normal bin anyway!!
Tadaaaaa
My useless item has 10 cons all on its very own!!!!
X
oh, also….some other shit I still have lying around here from the most recent babies. Night time bottle warmer; baby bottle/nipple sterilizer; teddy bear with mama heart sounds; crib mobile (see my previous comment #99); 15 pairs of baby shoes; itty bitty baby sunglasses (who the hell came up with this?); video monitor (never used, not once); about $1500 in giraffe-themed nursery decor – bedding, lamp, rug, etc.; 9 million baby headbands and hairbows (for the baldest baby who ever lived; 2 baby bathrobes (BATHROBES? is the kid Hugh Hefner’s?); uber-beautiful, tres expensive dressy baby coats; baby snowsuits; personalized, professionally made vinyl banner for “Sophia’s 1st Birthday!!!” (I blame a year of sleep deprivation for my decision to purchase that thing); ….now I’m sleepy again. I’m sure there is TONS more.
That is very interesting because I tell ALL new moms that my favorite baby item is my video monitor. I was not into them until my baby was a preemie. Then I had to have one, and I’m so glad because it gave me such peace of mind. Plus, I didn’t have to get out of bed as much. I could see if he was really up and needed me, or if he was just crying in his sleep. Then, surprise, pregnant when my preemie was 5 mo. I upgraded and got a video monitor that you can “scan” the room with. Best investment.
:)
OMG, we totally learned our lesson with the stroller! My mom kept telling me it would be a waste but I insisted on having one. We used the thing about 2 times before realizing it was such a hassle to maneuver through (department) stores and get in and out of the car. Most of the stores we shop at (Target, Wal-Mart, the grocery store) have carts that you can put the baby carseat/carrier in. And once she was big enough she just sat in the cart itself. We got a $15 umbrella stroller after enough frustration with the big one and were much happier and used it a lot more. I feel bad saying this, but I am glad we got the big stroller as a gift and didn’t spend our own money on it. We sold it in a yard sale when our daughter was about 8 months old.
I used the bumbo with my daughter because she is a peanut and the straps on the high chair were too big and I didn’t feel safe with putting her in it so she was strapped into the bumbo to eat.
My stroller was given to me by a friend whose mother was convinced she was having a girl so it was pink and princesses, she had a boy.
I used the baby bather that I just sat in the sink until she could sit up and then I got one of the ducky inflatable tubs that I put in the tub.
I won a gift card to target so I used that for a bumper set and sheets.
I have the arm&hammer version of the diaoer genie, the bags are cheaper and work better.
I buy all of her clothes on clearance, and I bought her tons of shoes, but she was also a size 0 until she was 8 months old, she’s 2 now and is a size 4.
Another thing I found completely useless and a waste of space was a changing table. Between both girls I might have used mine 10 times. We used the floor, bed, or couch. Unless it’s the dresser ones, it’s a complete waste. Also mine was homemade by my husband’s grandfather so now I’m stuck with a big piece of useless furniture in my basement for 20+ years waiting to hand it down for my daughters to not use either.
Haha! My changing table was my dresser for all their crap. Never used it for it’s real purpose, the couch and floor worked better!
We used a foam pad on a dresser at night until they slept through the night. Then we used our bed or the floor with an oversized changing pad.
Dude, I NEVER used our changing table. It just sat there, being a $150 catch all for everything. Sold that sucker, and will never buy another
I’m so jealous that you can sell yours Jenifer :( When my husband finally builds his man cave in the basement I think I’ll turn it into a tv stand or something. Damn you homemade sentimental furniture….
I have 15 month old twins. Out of all the strollers that I’ve owned, none of them were new. It’s not worth it.
If I could do things over again, I wouldn’t have bothered with crib bedding and just would have bought some crib sheets and called it a day. I’m a no frills girl to begin with.
I have a diaper champ pail and I don’t use it anymore. Changing the bag would make me gag and I refused to buy refills for a diaper genie.
Plastic bags from the grocery store work just as well.
Pretty sure we have a wipes warmer that we never used somewhere in the house. Oh we also got a bottle warmer. >.> Yeaaah never opened that shit either. Oops?
I say if you can afford it and you want your baby to be a pansy buy it all.
Someone bought my cousin a peepee teepee for her shower. Even back then I thought it was stupid. Guess what we called our peepee teepee? A washcloth. Enjoyed your post!!!!!
Michelle recently posted..Cinderella: The Unanswered Questions
You missed bottle warmer. We had one that melted the bottle & caught on fire the first time I used it. This was after about 20 seconds & I followed the directions to the tee, being that I’d never used one before. Thankfully, I was standing right there when it happened. After that, I just used hot running water.
I agree with most of the list except bathtub. I was lucky to have a very large counter space in the kids bathroom & that was where the tub went. No bending over & it was right next to the sink so I could just move it over to drain it. My kitchen sink was never clean enough to put my kid in. Apparently, I am the only one in my house that knows how to wash a dish. Having to clean up the kitchen to bathe my kid is asking a little too much :) That doesn’t really work anyway when they’re newborns & can’t sit or even hold up their own head.
Oh yeah, and I have a diaper genie. On the fence about it but it was a shower gift.
Love your posts :)
I have to say that we started out with disposables but ended up switching to cloth. Not for environmental reasons, but because diapers are just so damn expensive!! Poop doesn’t go into my washer, they go into the toilet LOL then into my diaper pail with water and a few drops of lavender oil to soak. Never owned a diaper genie, do have a bumbo with a tray. It was useful for us, but it was always on the floor which is fine since I’m so short. We have a bassinet and crib, but rarely used either since we coslept. Americans here in Okinawa complain about not finding cribs easily off bases. Well that’s because they cosleep! It can be done safely and has been done since the dawn of man. It’s not for everyone, but it’s what worked best for us; especially since my Turd has a tendency to stop breathing at night. She would need that gentle rub, pat or rolling shake to get her to start breathing again. I’m sure that if we put her in her crib, she wouldn’t still be here.
I love reading all of your blogs,they are so hilarious!! I wish you would’ve written this one about a year and a half ago, but I’m not sure even then if it would’ve helped since new moms have some sort of illness that requires them to BUY BUY BUY!!! Lol
We had/have all of this stuff, except the pee-pee tee pee, since we have a daughter and honestly I don’t know what a pee-pee tee pee even is….
The way you talked about the expensive crib bedding set was dead-on. We got it put it in the crib and boom I find out that the crib is now a death-trap, soooo out it comes. The clothes and shoes…….I can’t stress this enough for the soon to be new moms ZIPPER SLEEPERS…..best thing ever made :). The Bumbo also extremely dangerous…..they recalled them and have a kit they will send you to add a strap to your Bumbo so it’s safe, not sure how that makes it more safe I’m sure they can still tip it over, and now it’s just still attached to them when they do. Our daughter did love her bathtub and bathtime though. Ummmm the wipe warmer…..that one was not my fault, my Dad insisted on buying it saying it was absolutely ESSENTIAL……not sure how he even knew about them…lol. I’d like to add to why you don’t need a wipe warmer……cause the warm wipe makes your new baby pee all over,so you’re changing them and the warm sensation makes them pee and now you have to do laundry and clean the changing area……umm no not fun. Cloth diapers are a big ummm no as well and I’ll even throw in a ewwww!!! Also I read a comment about a crib that converts to a toddler bed and then a big kid bed, we do have one if those but it came from Target for like $180. I also co-slept with my daughter until she was about 4 months, but what I did was I bought a travel bassinet from Target for $25, and just put it on the bed next to me, worked PERFECT!! I did read though that a mother has an instinct not to roll over in their baby unless they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. One thing I would say is a MUST is a crib alarm, it goes under the mattress and if they stop breathing for more then 20 seconds the alarm goes off…….this has helped me sleep better at night knowing she’s safe :))). Ok that’s my 2 cents lol….
And again I must say I LOVE your blog !!!!
My hubby calls that crib alarm baby monitor my new mom moment. He totally thinks it wasn’t worth the money. I like it though, so that’s all that matters to me.
Yeah I’ve just read about too many babies dying from SIDS, so anything that can help prevent it is priceless in my book :)
I just want to say thanks. You make me laugh everyday when I read your posts.y daughter is 3 months old and I laugh at all the stupid shit I’ve done that you point out in your posts like the really cute leather Yankees shoes I just had to have and the bedding set I bought that I’m not using!! :-)
This was frickin hilarious! I agree 100%! I appreciate your sense of humor! While my husband is stationed overseas, I am the “single” mother of a little girl (who has taken the “terrible twos” to a new level) and her twin brothers (they are 16 months old…yep, 13 months apart! I kinda like my husband, don’t judge! lol) You are correct, you don’t need any of this stuff! I only have the Coach diaper bag because I seem to have a small addiction to over-priced shoes and purses! Thanks for making my day!
Enjoyed the read, and mostly agree! I never got the Bumbo for my kid to “learn” to sit…just another position they could be in for short periods of time to “sit” and be sociable and view the world from a different perspective…the thing I think you left OFF this list is all the exersaucers/walkers…they are NOT good for kids’ spines…until your kid can pull themselves up to standing, that is! If you put them in a walker/jumper swing-thingy/exersaucer/etc. before they can pull themselves up, their little bodies aren’t ready for it, and you are setting them up for back probs…just my $0.02.
Well, I actually am a fan of the high end stroller. We lived in Boston — horrible cobble stone sidewalks and tons of snow — and our fancy stroller (which cost more than my first car) was priceless. Through months of colic, that thing made me happy every time I used it. And my baby slept in the bassinet that comes with it at night and during naps for the first few months. (Well, if he did sleep.)
I also second the Bumbo, shoes, and wipes warmer. I literally was given dozens of shoes that were not even worn once. I’d also say the bottle warmer was never used. My son didn’t care if his bottles were warm, and why would I have made things more complicated? And what about carriers? We had a Moby, Ergo, Bjorn,… I would say don’t buy any of those until you’re sure that your baby (and you) will actually want to use it.
Jessica Smock recently posted..Straight Talk About Toddler Development: 5 Tips I Forgot to Read in the Baby Books
Im the d bag mom with a coach diaper bag, fancy stroller, top rated car seat, cloth diapers, baby wears, co-sleeps, breastfeeds where ever the hell i please, buys cute little shoes, and my kid has a bigger wardrobe than me. BUT I did pass on the other stuff ::shrugs:: if you have the means and want to indulge yourself why not?!
Oh can i add i despise those stupid stupid bath tubs….i got one at my baby shower and wanted to chuck it immediately. My baby girl has been in the tub since her stump fell off im big on babies being introduced to water to “swim”
and honestly, ur kid just spent 9 months in water…thats what they are used to, and they have a natural reflex to be comfortable in water, so kuddos to u kara! :)
Wipes warmers are the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of, along with bottle warmers. Uh, stick the damn bottle in some warm water. See? WARM MILK. OY.
And peepee tents?? Good Lord this society has gotten lazy. You either learn to change a boy’s diaper fast or you keep a washcloth or cloth diaper handy to put over his thingy.
Keep it simple, stupid. <~~~ More people need to learn to live by this statement.
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted..Hello, It’s Cold
first time your little boy pees on you – and he will pee on you at some point. You will learn. BTW ladies huggies suck for boys. They leak like crazy.
OMG this totally made me laugh since I bought half of the things on here. I remember going into Babies R Us when I was about 6 months pregnant and getting so overwhelmed that I sat down in one of the rocking chairs and just started crying. Once I got over that, I discovered the beauty of garage sales in my development and bought hand me down crap from my friends. It didn’t make me feel as bad when DS decided he didn’t like it.
Where was this list when I had my little poop maker? I need a re-fund.
Mama and the City recently posted..Home Insurance To The Rescue
Changing tables – never had it, I lived in a shoebox of an apartment and there is no way on earth I was going to get a changing table in there. I purchased a pad and attached it to the top of my son’s hand me down dresser. I got a few little cloth bins from the dollar tree, one for the supplies and one for diapers, done, I also didn’t waste time with a diaper geenie, not when every relative was giving me their leftover plastic bags from the grocery store. Clean, stuff, tie it really tight, toss – all done.
#1!!! #1!!!
“Okay then, you’ll just throw the quilt on the back of the nursing chair for decoration, which totally doesn’t work because then your head is all shoved forward when you sit in the chair.”
I can’t believe I’m the only person who didn’t get pissed off about this.
Stupid pretty nursery bedding set.
JD Bailey @ Honest Mom recently posted..My Secret to Calming Myself When I’m About to Lose It. Like *Really* Lose It.
My youngest is 16 and almost everything we used for our kids was second hand (we are very frugal, and I just didn’t see spending a bunch of money on stuff for a month or two). The only thing I would have bought, maybe (no wait, I probably would have figured out a way to make one) is the little cover that goes on their car seat so you don’t have to put them in a snowsuit (my poor kids of course were swimming in theirs because I wanted to make sure that they didn’t out grow it). Otherwise, the author is right–there is a billion dollar industry of stuff a baby doesn’t need, but the stores have convinced partents to buy. Can’t wait to see what my grandkids will need…
Ok.. so I agree with the bedding. Our son is 9 months old and has NEVER slept even an hour in either his crib or bassinet. The fancy clothes I agree with you as well… at least.. Now adays.. the clothes at WalMart are just as cute as the stuff from Gymboree… (With my first, our daughter, you couldn’t find cute things really unless you went into the mall). The stroller… I will argue with you till your blue in the face. I went through 5 or 6 inexpensive strollers the first time around.. I felt like Goldie Locks.. too cluncky.. too heavy.. didn’t steer well. We spent the money on a Peg Perego and it’s made my life so much easier.. it’s light weight and I can pop it open with one hand.. while holding baby in the other (A very handy dandy feature especially after C-section)
Your post is hilarious! I love it. Except the car seat part; I know you’re joking but my nephew recently died in a car accident so it really isn’t laugh worthy. Some idiot might not have a grasp on sarcasm and take you seriously. Just saying. :-) But I seriously love your handling on this subject!
I have been telling my friends all this shit for years! It’s like you live in my head. I have your number 10…those little hairbands for baby girls…cause their thin assed hardly there newborn hair is falling in her face…right!
Too funny! I agree with most of this except the bumbo. I don’t think the bumbo was meant to help them learn to sit. Physical therapists actually say the opposite that it does all the work for them so they don’t learn. I think they are simply used as entertainers. My kids always want to be upright long before they can do it on their own so the bumbo helps when I’m tired of holding them.
I cloth diaper cuz it’s so cheap! And I don’t put poop in my washer haha.
I would also add to this list: shirts! I mean any shirt that is not a onesie/bodysuit w snaps
I just laughed until I cried. Hysterical!
My baby is now almost 15, he slept in his expensive crib, that turned into a toddler bed and now sleeps in a full size bed with the back part of the crib being his headboard, so it was a nice gift from a very dear friend, and thankfully I didn’t have to pay for it. He never had the wipes warmer, bumpo or any of that other fancy crap. I was lucky that I had a built in changing table because it now doubles as shelves for my books and it was used all the time with a very inexpensive piece of foam covering it. I hated my diaper genie and threw it out after the first couple of months because it smelled so bad. I finally got rid of his pack n play this summer on my rummage sale. As I was setting it up, someone literally stopped their car and screamed across the street, I’ll buy that. Actually sold it for a pretty decent amount and it was a gift from long ago, but still looked brand new. I still have his mini Harley Davidson jean jacket, for unknown reasons but it was just soooo cute. Still have baby spoons in my silverware drawer, they come in handy when I need to scrape something out of a small container. As for shoes, this boy has never had normal size feet. So the shoes I received as gifts at my baby shower, actually got regifted because his feet were already too big for them. He now wears a size 16 shoe! Thanks for the laughs today, and the memories. xxoo
Yeah, peepee teepees always struck me as stupid and useless. You learn how to be pretty quick about changes. My boy only peed on me a couple times.
I did like having a baby bathtub, but I got it hand-me-down from my sister, so maybe I only liked it cuz I didn’t have to pay for it!
Aimee recently posted..Small Indulgences
LOL!!!! I think Coach diaper bags ARE a necessisty!!! And I LOVED the Bumbo for the babies. The rest….YOU CAN DO W/O! Just saying!!! And I have 26+ yrs experience taking care of babies! :)
ps) I know that the author didn’t say anything about Coach diaper bags…it was just commenting on a previous comment!
Omg I so agree with most of it. I have a bimbo but not to teach LO to sit but just to have my little Clinger in another position besides being in my arms!! It worked sometimes and not others. I have a crib but I so need a new one before this baby gets here since its falling apart but can’t afford to go get another dang crib. Guess we will be cosleeping
Lol, I think there is more poo in the form of skid marks on my 5&6 year olds underwear than my little ones cloth diapers. That crap goes in the toilet.
Right?! By the time you’ve done the dunk and swish (or spray, if that’s your thing), that diaper is poo free. I dealt with more poo in the washer when we used sposies (from blow-outs) then I ever do with cloth
My youngest is 19 and we didn’t have some of these fancy gadgets thank goodness. I did, however have the “onsie” nightmare on more than 1 occasion. Some things never change.
I never used any of it except the bath tub that was a duck. My boy was much to big to put in the sink and when he was big enough to sit in play in it he loved it and when he pushed its head it would quack he had so much fun. And the Bumbo I was given as a gift I never used it for my son but I sat on it for a few weeks after I came home from the hospital.
My babies are now parents,but I remember some of useless things I received as gifts and purchased, I love your humor. Thanks
you forgot denim jeans for babies. especially the ones with embroidered daisies.
My twins had the nice stroller because I couldn’t push 2 strollers at once. Also did the bedding thing, but if you listen to the research about everything, your baby can die no matter what you do now. It’s amazing that we all survived! Obviously my girls did!
So freaking funny b/c it’s so freaking true! I do have to say that I used the Bumbo…a lawt, simply because my kids were like fucking Humpty Dumpty if I didn’t. Mama needs to get shit done! Love it!
So true every bit!!
Scabies R Us! I fuckin love!
Oh my gosh! The PeePee Teepees!! lol i’ve said this to sooo many moms of little boys since I got some at my baby shower. They DO NOT work AT ALL!! And i agree with the wipe warmer, however… it might not be a bad thing to have by mommy and daddy’s bed for sexy clean up. My husband wants one for us. lol
OMG! I bought some of these ’cause they were cute. But yes they are totally worthless.
Oh! and we have that blow up duck bathtub and my son is now old enough to sit up in it but we have never taken in our of the box. My husband takes a bath with our son almost everytime. They play in the tub and i come in and wash our little one. If daddy isn’t home, baby and me get in the tub together or I do it in the sink. so yeah, we have never needed a babby bathtub.
Love everything about your blog, except for one thing: the language. I totally get that sometimes there isn’t a better way to express what you’re feeling, and I enjoy a well-placed “damn” now and then. Your expletives seem a little excessive, though. But I completely agree with all these unnecessary items. I’ve never used a wipes warmer or fancy stroller either. Thanks for the laughs!
Totally agree with Denise, plus I felt the last bit about peeing in your mouth was gratuitous grossness. Otherwise very funny and true.
I agree with most of the comments – my Bumbo was a waste of money! My girls’ thighs were too chunky to fit in the Bumbo. My 2 yr old now uses it as a high chair to feed her baby doll dog hair! The bottle warmer was a waste of space too! I love my bottle sterilizer though…I wash the girls’ waterproof toys and then slap ‘em in there – super clean and no chemicals involved! We started with a pan of water, but working from home with a 2 yr old and a newborn, the pan would sometimes boil dry. The nice thing about the bottle sterilizer is that I use it to sterilize my little pots for my Epicure business – at least I know no-one will have an assplosion from bacteria – if you get one check for two things, though: (1) make sure you get the bottles that fit the sterilizer and (2) get one with a long cycle on it – it keeps the bottles sterile for up to 12 hours – no need to store the bottles for hours in the open air! PS whether you use a pan or a machine, the bottles aren’t sterile once you remove them, just as sterile as they can be – I didn’t worry about it too much though, knowing that in a year to 18 months, they’ll be eating soil in the garden and kissing the dogs!!!!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bumbos are to help your kids learn how to sit up?!?!? I thought they came with that tray so you could lock your already-sitting up kids in there while you tried to cook dinner. Or, at least that’s what I thought until my second daughter leaned forward in it, and then just army crawled around like a little turtle (with the Bumbo being the shell)….
baby wipes in themselves are useless; they started as travel wipes. a good wash cloth, warm water and soap does the trick and are less expensive..rinse well and wash with your cloth diapers that you rinse the poo off in the toilet prior to washing.
letting them soak in a tub with the dirty wash cloths until you have enough for a wash cycle; which will be in the next few minutes….lol
Also I prefer the umbrella stroller as well, easier to pack up, and maneuver too. but each mother must find her own way to make her life pleasant and peaceful for her and her new baby.
I’m 8 months along with my second kiddo and nearly peed my pants reading this: “I don’t care how good cloth diapers are for the environment, there ain’t no way I’m putting turds into my washing machine.” YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh!
All I can say is…
I love you.
Evalynn Rose recently posted..Published Short – Guns and Zombies – A Chick’s Perspective
While I agree there is too much unecessary baby equipement the wipe warmer and bumbo seat did come in handy with the last one. The bumbo costs a fortune though so it was a craiglist steal.
Charity Deleon recently posted..Afraid to poop
Great article, especially the stroller part. Some other good points here website design
Love the 10 things you really don’t need for your baby. I have three kids and they all had the cute bed sets with the bumper pads, quilts and stuffed animals and thankfully they are still alive, the bumper padding didn’t kill them. The onesies are a bitch, plain and simple. They didn’t have wipe warmers back when my kids were little so all three of mine got cold ass wipes on their tush and they are still alive and sane I might add. Socks work fine shoes especially when they are not walking yet. Expensive clothes are nice and sweet looking but one or two good picture taking outfits are necessary and unless you go yard selling and buy a bunch of gently used nice clothes for practically nothing, which I did, then you can dress them up as much as you want without all the expense. Seriously who gives a shit what your stroller looks like. People that walk up to you to look at your baby are not looking at or paying any attention to your stroller. The nosy asses just want to see that cute bundle of joy you have inside there. Baby bathtubs are a pain the ass, period and useless. Car seats can’t say anything about this one, they all have to have one before they leave the hospital. Though all of us youngsters that survived way back when, when they didn’t even have seat belts, webwere held by our moms whenever we went anywhere inside of a car. The bumbo seats, never had one, but my daughter does and my grandsons looked cute in them but looked like the seat of rubber was going to swallow them up at anytime, also looks uncomfortable. The teepee covers, I lmao the first time I saw these. The first night home with my son at 1am in the morning was my iniation from him and there was no way in hell one of those flimsy little teepees was going to control that garden hose. Not only did he piss all over me, but his bedding, himself, the crib and the other side of the wall. Needless to say from then on I covered him with a washcloth or blanket every time I changed him just in case.
I’m a 1st time mom, so of course I wanted all the cute stuff. I bought the ubber-expensive crib set. I still use the bumper pads, he’s 18 months today, but he hasn’t started climbing yet. I NEVER used the comforter, and probly never will. Any old white sheet you can bleach is good. I won’t ever buy another set. Waste of money. I got a decent stroller for under $100, I’m glad I did, great for the Zoo or places like that. In Utah you have to have your kid in a car seat until they are 80lbs. I got one at Costco for $70 that changes from a rear facing, to front facing, to a booster. I borrowed a Bumpo, I agree they are a waste. I did use it to keep my son in one place while I put his head shaping helmet on, but that was all it was good for. I do like my diaper genie. I can’t run out to the garbage every time my kid has a poopy diaper, I have a dog so I can’t just put it on the back porch and I don’t have an attached garage to put it in a pail. So the DG works good for me, but yes it does stink.
A lot of this stuff was gifts, and as a 1st time mom you don’t know any better, and you just want it all because it is so new and fun. I don’t see a problem with that.
I have a diaper genie as well, I put 2 dryer sheets in the bottom once a month and can’t smell a thing!
Wow, I just had to google “pee pee teepees”. How did I raise a baby boy without one? ;).
When we bought a new Moses basket it came with a quilt that said “only for use at 1+ years”. Who is still using a Moses basket at 1?! So it’s just become another bit o’crap hanging around the bedroom…
Kate recently posted..Kennington Park in the snow – 21/01/13
HILARIOUS !!! and so true !!
Proud to say I only bought 2 of these. Carseat(gold star for me) and bathtub. It was $10 and got a good 8 months out of it( baby is smaller than average ).
Well….
I have to admit I have a wipe warmer but I only use it when my baby poops cause its way easier!!
The bumbo chair is actually a bad thing… It prevents some back muscles to form properly and can cause damage down the road for ur little one…
Car seats — let’s just say I should have taken a car seat class instead of a breast feeding class!!! I don’t know where u all live but they just passed a law in NH saying ur kid has to be rear facing til
2… anyways I could have saved a butt load of money on car seats if I bought the 1 that will grow with him instead if buying 1 then having to upgrade…. Ridiculous!!! Everything else is soooo true… Peepee teepees really use a wipe! What’s funnier is when u r in a baby store watching new parents registering for bottles… They register for the 4-5oz bottles… I tell them it’s a waste register for the 9oz ones cause eventually u will need them!!! Bottle Warmers —- bad idea!!
Daddy Baby Shower!
My brother in law threw a mans baby shower for my boyfriend when we were expecting our first child. It was a normal drunk gathering but every guy who attended was expected to bring a bag of diapers of any size. I had a closet of diapers and was able to exchange them when we needed a different size. I saved hundreds and really appreciated the financial help. We have continued the tradition for all new fathers since. Spread the word. It’s the best you can give new parents!
It really isn’t that hard to put a onsie over a newborns head! Lol, are you guys really waiting 3 months? lmao
The only one i disagree with is the Bumbo. My kid is 3 months old and I love this thing. He has a strong neck but he definitely cannot sit up on his own yet so sometimes when he’s really fussy I just plop him in that thing and he shuts up because it’s something different. It’s nice to be able to put him down and not hear crying and be able to get some things done. I know he will sit up on his own in a few months but that’s a long time and a lot of fussing away.
The laughing – it hurts – so… damn… funny… But fuck you if you think kids don’t need car seats. What the hell?
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Anatomy of a Mom Purse
It was a joke chill out!
Katai, I was joking. Sorry, I forgot the universal Internet symbol: ;)
I figured it didn’t matter so much since the author knows I was joking, but hopefully the winky face clears things up. ;)
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Mother’s Day wrapping
We had (adopted) our first baby girl two years ago.
We purchased the overpriced crib bedding – we never used it.
We bought several adorable overpriced crib blankets – rarely used them.
We received a wipe warmer as a gift – loved it.
We bought our baby girl tons on designer/trendy shoes (Toms, Bloch, Juicy Couture, Uggs) -she kicked them off.
She of course had a very stylish wardrobe. Marc Jacobs, Gucci, Little Ella, Splendid Littles, Baby Dior, etc – she grew out of everything so fast.
We owned the fancy bugaboo. While strolling through The Grove, our baby ened up on the ground (in the bassinet), the bassinet became detached from the metal frame. My partner didn’t know the bassinet needed to be “clicked” in, as he put it together. Oops. Thankfully, the baby was fine. We have since owned the Donkey, Bee, and the new Cameleon 3. We love our fancy schmancy strollers :)
We bought a baby tub that sat in our adult tub. It worked out perfectly. Our little girl loved laying back in it while being bathed.
Carseat – Check
Bumbo seat – didnt get one. didn’t need one.
I have no idea what a tee pee pee pee is. Clearly, we didn’t need that either.
So, basically, we bought everything we didn’t need, but we’ve had a great time along the way. Our little girl is now 2 – were still splurging on her wardrobe.
Everyone has a different experience. The point is to have fun along the way
In 4th grade science class I learned that mold and bacteria grows in moist, warm, dark places…what is a wipe warmer you ask? You people the worry ur baby is cold, get a grip unless its a blowout diaper it takes 1min I change it. Baby isn’t going to get hypothermia in 1 min.
your language is so offensive, i know you are trying to be funny, but actually, you are not, everything you said, was very true, but the curse words and sarcasism, i could have done without, pity
One thing that IS necessary: EMS Scissors. The ONE time you put an over-the-head outfit on your bundle of joy, he or she is going to have a blow out and that joy will end up all over, up his or her back, and sides. Instead of pulling that joy back over the baby’s head and smearing it across the hair and face, just grab your EMS scissors and (just like paramedics do), cut the clothes off.
HA HA! My friend sent me this blog, and I love it! Thanks for making me feel better about bathing the kid in the sink-you wouldn’t believe the dirty looks I got when I mentioned that to other moms! Plus it saved my back and knees like you wouldn’t believe!
And to this day I can’t believe I ever requested pee pee tee pees on my registry-and got mad when my mom laughed at me! O, how naive I was…
I will say this about my wiper warmer-every time a cold wipe touches my little guy it triggers a yellow rain shower like you wouldn’t believe! My warmer only warms the top 10 or so, and has saved my walls, linen, and yes, my mouth, from constant sprinkles, especially when that precious little snot learned to snatch up that wipe we used as cover and throw it back at us!
i can barely breathe i am laughing. so. hard.!!!!!!!
Thank you for making me laugh until I cried … and pee’d my pants a little. I blame that last part 100% on being 8 1/2 months pregnant!
You’re awesome. Gonna have to google this peepee teepee thing..lol.. Never heard of it.
You are such a witty writer!! I love your humor!!!
Great article.
You are f*ing hilarious!!!!
Ha. This is very funny!
Being a parent of two kids now 5 and 2 I have to say I agree with almost all this, except one thing.
We did buy a fancy stroller and for dads like me, – clumsy – I have to say the stroller we bought was awesome. I could fold it quickly in a space small enough that I took it to another country inside the plane as a carry on. I was easy to fit in the car’s trunk, the wheels and the ‘suspension’ of the car where great, awesome quality and I enjoyed pushing my kids there fast, forward, backwards, etc. I am just the person that gets annoyed with non-functional things.
Other than that, I can related to my wife wanting to buy many of these things, some of them she did, but some of them I was like “are you kidding?”… :)
Thanks for the laugh.
Manolo
Typos:
“it was easy…”
“…of the car were great…”
“I can relate to my wife…”
I’m sure someone’s already said this if not ten people, but you do not put turds into the washing machine when you cloth diaper. You dump them into the toilet, which everyone is supposed to do, even if they use disposables.
I’m about to have my first baby and your website just read everything in my mind, hahahah love it!!!! We got soooo many stuff for our baby that I didnt even know what they were, I returned most of them because I really think they dont need this much, specially the wipes warmer, geez!!!!!
Maybe this is addressed further down but what is wrong with a facecloth
Why use wipes at all.
And you are bang on about the crib bedding….even if they dont poop on it everything has to be washed at the same because it fades so much
I’m a mom of 5 so all you really need is diapers, milk, lots of love and most important of all patients.
I bought the bugaboo and i love it!! one of my best purchases. light, easy to carry, and my son is super comfortable in it :)
I am so glad I found ur blog….frigging hilarious!!!!! I actually chose my bathroom sink with the view that it would make a good baby bath…hows that for preparation!! And I was still single…honestly I’m not a mental!! :)
Due in 4mths and I have a feeling reading ur posts will get me through the late nights etc etc
Ps WTF is a peepee teepee??
People are so rude on here!! I laughed at this AND shared it! Your top ten list is SPOT on. Same things I would tell someone. I had my 1st baby this sep, a boy. And I’ve never used his pee pee tee-pee. And btw I cloth diaper my son and i still think this is funny. People are so dumb that waste their time being rude!!! Keep up the blogging and thanks for the entertainment!
All I have to say is OMG YOU ARE FUNNY…. I’m done having kids, I have 3 sons all grown up but EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID IS SO TRUE! I’m sharing you with all the Rookie Mommy’s I known…. Good job! G-funk
Agree with most, but loved my bumbo with #2 & #3! Great for giving them a different view of the world.
However, all of these comments about the tub makes me think no one knows about the Puj Tub. I love it and it is the only baby tub I would bother with. I didn’t have it until baby #3 and it was one of the very few things I would have loved for #1 and #2!
I Just want to start out with….. You are Hilarious!!! I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks. I will be following this blog. I agree with almost everything on your list. I bath my kids in the sink, or take them in the tub with me. Never used peepee teepees. Bumbo was used but I didn’t and wouldn’t have bought it, we got it as a hand me down. I love my umbrella stroller, and my baby carrier. We cloth diaper and cloth wipes are easier when you cloth diaper, we use a wipe warmer, but it is on the counter, it is nice with little dirty hands and faces. I just roll up washcloths and pour two cups of water with a squirt of babywash stired in over top of them and pull them out as needed to clean them up in a flash. I don’t think they are spoiled because of them. We used all hand me down clothes, unless they were gifts, or I got a great deal at Wally World or Target. Baby shoes are the biggest waste of time. That being said: the first person to invent a baby sock that stays on the babies foot deserves a Nobel Prize.
I liked the article but did you need to use such filthy language? The article was funny on its’ own without all the swearing.
I do recommend getting a pack n play! They come in handy,the newer ones have a removable bassinet and diaper changing pad for the top part of it and then when they get too big for the bassinet part you just remove it and use the playpen part just like a crib. I would buy a Pack n Play before I would buy a crib.I think its safer! It can easily go next to your bed without taking up alot of space. Plus its easy to pack up and take with you( vacations,babysitters house for naps, or if you have to spend the night anywhere). I do not recommend co-sleeping, but I can’t say that I havn’t done it before. I never worried about me rolling on baby, but my husband is a heavy sleeper so I couldn’t put my baby in the middle of the bed. Then I had to worry about my baby rolling off the bed. Plus are beds are too comfy for infants. If a baby is too warm and cozy when they are sleeping they forget to breath. Its called SIDs. So doctors recommend that they have a firm place. It is also never a good idea to leave a baby in a carseat to sleep. If they are not strapped in they can wiggle out of it and I just seen on the news the other day that a baby was sleeping in a carseat inside a house at a babysitters and he managed to wiggle out of it and get his head stuck in the straps and strangled himself. Very sad situation. Carseats are not made to sleep in. Always make sure they are strapped in.
I love it!!!!
With the wipe warmer i feel as though thats a little too much. There are these things called hands and you just rub them together with the wipe inbetween and pressto! its done like that (i would always wash my hands before and after changing my lil man so i wasnt trasferring any germs!)
omg!!!! hillarious. I went through all of this 15 years ago and every word of it is the truth! God bless you mothers that use cloth diapers; but seriously, I was and am all set with washing poopy diapers. I am the mom who threw out a sheet set because my 4 year old vomitted all over it. Oh and the Down comforter too. Way to tell it Mama
Okay, call me crazy, but I didn’t warm up his bottles. I breastfed for 10 months and formula fed on very rare occasions and the last two months of his first year, and I never warmed up his bottles (with breastmilk or formula). He never complained that they were too cold and I never worried about burning him. I feel like I am the only person on earth who did that.
You’re not the only one. I would pull my breast milk out, let it sit until room temp then feed. All I kept hearing about was babies getting burned. I didn’t chance it.
Hilarious and well-said. I did like my diaper genie but that’s because our outdoor trash can was a 100-foot walk in -50 weather, and the genie was the only way to neatly keep those smelly things from overpowering the whole house. At the rate my kids pooped though, they filled up every 24-48 hours and then we threw the blue sausage-links away. As for cloth–sure, throw the “turds” in the toilet. How convenient if your baby only does “turds”. What about all the squishy, peanut buttery poops–do you cloth-diapering moms scrape that off the diaper into the toilet? (I’ve always wondered). I, too, have thrown out things that have been pooped on, puked on, etc. because it just grossed me out too much!!
You just made me laugh so hard – which is horribly painful because I’m oane week post C-section.
But I can’t help it, this post was hilarious! Brown amoeba pattern – I’m dying over here!
If you live in Texas, just stuff your wipes outside. It’ll warm ‘em up real fast!
Neat the way this one ran off the rails. Almost as interesting a cat fight as in Cafe Mom.
The thing about “being green” is keeping a balance, eh? My recycler is a case and he will leave a glass jar all spaghetti saucey on the curb, and did do that to a neighbor, because they state that the items can have no food residue on them. So, you want to recycle a glass jar, you use how much water, how much gas to heat the water, how much waste water in the sewage system, how much soap to recycle one glass jar. Also impacted would be the wear and tear on the greenie, the sponge, the dishcloth or the brush whichever you use.
Are there facts and figures on what the cut off point is? When do you cross the line into where you are wasting resources and impacting the environment negatively to put a glass jar back into the system? Same with diapers. Plus with cloth diapers you have way more clothing and bedding to wash. I’m a granny so I have tried them all. Nothing like a washcloth in a zip lock bag that you can rinse out at the faucet at the zoo and reuse all day. But maybe the water I used left a bigger carbon footprint than throwing away the wipe might.
I’ll leave off now. You are getting sleepy.
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I don’t recall any babies dying from cold baby wipes. Warmers? Waste of $$, when you’re done with, it will end up in a landfill
First off I don’t have children and I’m no where near having children…I’m fifteen. I was on pinterest during school (still am..opps) and I saw this come up on my page. Clicked on it and busted out laughing in the middle of my latin class (cause you know, who needs latin). My teacher saw this and started laughing as well. Read it to the whole class. Got written up, but it was so worth it.
I laughed until I cried reading these! Spot on!!
HILARIOUS and so true. Thanks for this!
….what the fuck is a “peepee teepee”? lmfao!! what in the godamned hell.
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Agree with most, but I love the baby monitor. As for “wipe” warmers, use wipes or a soft wet washcloth, put in micro-wave for 5 seconds and they are warm. I raised three forty years ago and had to start over two years ago with a new-born. I would say diaper bag is not necessary. I used then and now a cloth tote which holds everything you need and don’t use a purse. Just put what I need in the tote. Enjoyed your article, except for the bad language.
Hahaha.. brilliant… love your writing style! Gave me a good laugh… thanks for the advice on what products to avoid. x
I used my wipey warmer for my preperation H hemroid wipes. That’s about all the use I got out of it.
I f-ing love this! Thanks for keeping it real!
Coudn’t stop laughing ! I just had my second baby and just about every word you said here is very true :)
Keep up the scary work !!
I just googled pee pee tee pee and laughed and laughed and laughed…
Sure, that’s gonna work.
This whole post is pretty freaking hilarious. I have never even heard of a wipes heater. Insane. And I bought used fitted sheets because I’m far too cheap to spend that kind of dough on a freaking baby bed set. I love the way you right. Straight to the point.
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now that you have 10 things, tomorrow you will have 10 more, the next day 10 more and so on and so on. lol
Hahahha. Love this!
I just buy everything from a giant cosigner sale that happens twice annually in Pittsburgh. Then who cares if I don’t use it? That swing was $15, the bumbo was $5, the very nice jogging stroller that does not fit in my car was $20, etc etc. The only things I splurge on are carseats, because the safety ratings mean more to me than saving a few bucks.
However, I LOVE the bumbo. I love being able to sit her down, and know she can’t move. Not all day, just sometimes. And with the tray it is suddenly a small, cheap, very portable highchair. She is 9 months, and I’ve been using it about every other day (or more) for the past 6.
Baby shoes. I had 3 pairs of newborn shoes that she actually wore a lot, because they were simple to get on (baby boots are NOT, and never will be, and so don’t buy them), and they looked cute, and they stayed on once I pulled the baby leg warmers over the heel- which is adorable.
A baby bath chair- the mesh kind- is something I used every single day for the first 4 months. Because newborns can’t sit up in your sink. Set her in it, spray her down with out removable shower head, towel her off. Super easy. And now I use a pink baby bath that a friend gave me, which I swore I didn’t need, because even though I never leave her side for a second while she bathes, I like that she can’t tip over and drown. It would take a lot of effort for her to drown in this tub. She would have to really try. And we can keep on using the shower head to spray her down, which she loves.
So, these things are some of the more functional items I own- they get used almost every day. The baby bouncer chair on the other hand- that thing was a flop in our house. Same with the swings- she hated baby swings. The jumperoo is amazing. She is in it right this moment, and has used it every day since 3 months old. Every baby is different.
I literally laughed so hard at this chick i cried.
I was a hippie type minimalist when my first was born. No stroller I just strapped on to my body. Handed down clothes. 3 toys, no baby wipes no disposable diapers no carseat- just a plastic baby tote on the floor of the car. My baby survived but by my fifth baby I began to appreciate all the things for babies that would make my life easier. It is not as easy as some might think to bath a newborn in the kit hen sink! Having toys to play with are great distractions. In other words, my last child had a lot more than the first and it made ME happier.
Y
*SO* glad I read this before becoming pregnant. And not just because it’s effing hilarious.
Jill,
Off topic.
You look really good in all your interviews and you don’t say, “Uh,” or “umm”.
Love off topic comments when they’re like this! Thank you!!!
I love how the cloth diapers are considered disguting bc they go in the washer, but everyone thinks its sanitary to bathe a dirty baby in your kitchen sink. That you wash dishes in. And then eat off the “clean” dishes. Lol. This page made me laugh but really who cares what you buy for your baby? Buy whatever the hell you want, and enjoy your new kid!
I said the same thing about the kitchen sink! It totally grosses me out when I get showed pics of people bathing their kids in their sink! Worse is if you were at their house for supper!
hilarious! and i just wanted to add to the comments of all the ppl fussing about wipe warmers….they are actually really good for premies or babies that get cold easliy. hospitals use them esp for premies w/other warming techniques to prevent hypothermia and respiratory depression which can lead to death. it’s like anything else some actually need them and some don’t.
SO glad I found you before I have kids. You’re so right on so many levels and while I can ‘t speak from personal experience, many friends who have children gave you two thumbs WAY up.
FTM and this is the best thing I’ve read since finding out I’m pregnant in December! Thank you
I just read this to my husband and he was laughing so hard he had a coughing fit! Love it!
Hilarious and so so true!!
I would add changing table to the list. Toss a blanket on the floor and there ya go! I never ran upstairs to the nursery to change little one’s diaper a hundred times a day!
I had spring babies and made up my mind before they were born that they would only wear a diaper for the first 4 months and maybe a onesie. But my money was wasted on a stupid Diaper Genie. My home is only 1400 sqft and it was 20 steps from the changing table to the outside garbage bin the trash man dumps each week. The really burn-your-nose diapers could not sit in the Genie for even a day. Wasted money!!
I worked at Babies R Us and I have a three year old! I can’t tell you all the idiotic stuff people register for while forgetting the important things they actually need!
You do NOT need a bottle warmer. You do not have time at 1:45 in the am to wait forever for the warmer to actually warm up the bottle enough for babe to eat ! (trust me i tried..)
Don’t register for clothes at all. When your shower comes round those clothes will NOT be in stock and the poor people working the registry counter get yelled at!
You DO need a baby care kit (with the clippers and thermometer and such)
I could go on and on.. I wont.
The only thing I can say is I hope you use a bathroom sink. Just as you mentioned poop in the washing machine, I can’t handle thinking there is poop in my kitchen sink where most people wash dishes. But too funny for sure!
Hi I’m not a mother and I don’t particularly want or plan on being one anytime soon but I literally died laughing, I feel that if you continue to blog about the trials and tribulations of being a mother you might solve the birth control issue. :-) seriously hilarious I had a horrendous and this made me laugh.
The other really big pain about a baby bath is where to store them when your baby doesn’t fit in it after 6 weeks. So not worth it.
if your taking your cloth diapers, and putting the filled poopy ones in your washer… you need to rethink how you do cloth diapering. your sopost to flush the poop. whats left ont he diaper, is the same as whats on your babys onsie because the diaper exploded. and if your that worried about the poop in your washer, only do diapers and poopy baby cloths in a load, and do a rince cycle with vinegar. i did vinegar in a downie ball because my lil had a very sensitive behind. i personally found she got less rashes with cloth then with dispoable. and while some plastic covers are a bit tight, others arnt, you just need to find the proper size and brand for your lil. and i happen to like my baby bath… kinda… it converted into a seat for the bath, which was useful when she was older and wanted to be in the bath with her big sister. otherwise, mykitchen sink was way more convient. i mean, you dont have to neal down at all, mine has the spryer, which was awesome for rinsing baby after bath, sence lets face it, you know they peed, and a lot of times poop in them when theyre little. and i soooo agree with camo pattern on cheeper car seats and strollers. you dont need all the bells, and really, its cute now with light yello duckies and such, until the stains turn teh duckies into some very interesting colors…
Stick the wipe between your boobs while you take baby’s clothes and dirty diaper off, and the wipe will be warm enough for baby’s behind by the time you get to that part :) (advice that works from my doula)
I guess I’m not as naive as a lot of moms-to-be…. Either that or I read way too much ahead of time! haha. My baby’s due tomorrow (Tomorrow!!!! Not that that means much. He’ll probably wait a few more days even though he’s trying to kick and stretch his way out the front), and we have almost none of these things. Especially fancy bedding sets and bumpers. (Actually, we do have a bumper, but that’s because someone got one for us. I’m not going to use it.) Those things make me mad. Why in the world are companies still making them? Shouldn’t there be a law against this?
Why has no one put the “BOTTLE WARMER FOR THE CAR?” As if your able to drive, heat up a bottle, feed your kid and burp them all at the same time! BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY! VERY STUPID IDEA! Ban cell phones and market bottle warmers for the car, as if your screaming kid isn’t enough of a distraction!
I hate the Bumbo Seat. both my daughter’s used one and I couldn’t convince them not to use it. I believe people (I’ve seen it) put their poor babies in them too soon. the baby is uncomfortable and possibly in pain. they are too young to sit up and fall to the side on hard plastic, poor little heads flopping around. the back of the chair is too short and must hurt their backs. this seat is a gimmick! babies will sit up when they are ready and I don’t believe this seat helps them in any way. it should be taken off the market! IMHO
Shut the fuck upppppp!!!!!
I loved the blog!! Keep it up ; )
Ladies pull your heads out of your spoiled rotten kids cloth diapered asssssss and go get a fucking life…
Truelly pathedic, truelly!
asswipe vjayjay
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Omg your so funny!!! I’m a FTM and totally have every single item you said we didn’t need!! Where was this 2 mo ago! Oh wait we didnt get a car seat though I just figured he can roll around the back of the car… :-P
Pretty much spot on. I liked the Bumbo though because it was a great high chair for those early feedings when I just wanted to sit in the living room rather than the kitchen. I would add regular sized high chair to your list. Completely unnecessary and it takes up waaay too much space. Great blog!
Now it all makes sense! I thought my teenagers were unbelievably annoying just because they are 13, but now I know it’s because I didn’t warm their wipes, twist their poo in special bags, or parade them around in a pretty stroller!
Awww that was brilliant thanks for a good laugh and great advice!
What? Wipe Warmer? What kind of soft namby-pampy kids are you trying to raise? At what point do you stop warming their wipes up for them?
hahahahaha
I have never heard of something so ridiculous in all my life.
Sheesh did you have to be so vulgar on a blog talking about baby things?
This was GREAT! Everything on here I never did BUT buy an infant tub. It aloud me to sit and wash her when I had trouble standing. Never bought infant shoes, what’s the point they DO NOT walk! Expensive clothes? HA NO, I went to a yard sale or thrift store and bought name brand for a quarter of the price. Wipes warmer? Are you kidding? That’s a joke. I didn’t even know about the Bumbo seat until I was pregnant with my second child and my first is only 2. It’s useless. Just another thing some people ASSUME is a MUST have!
That was seriously a GREAT post! Enjoyed reading it!
after reading this blog, i just love being an African
So much of this is true but so many new mothers will ignore what previous mothers have learned and still buy all of the unnecessary crap. MY SIL is having her baby shower this weekend and the only thing I bought her off of her registry is the diaper bag she wanted. I then bought her shampoo, body wash, lotion, cornstarch powder and a nail clipper because I know that is stuff she will actually use. Oh and I also got her a breathable baby blanket. My youngest has one and it is his favorite blanket. I wanted to tell her that so much of what she had on her registry will hardly ever get used but hey we have all been there and there was no telling me not to buy something back when I was having my first.
i about cried a million times reading this! i’m not a mom, but i’m an avid, over-involved aunty, and i lived with my sister and nephew so i was basically playing daddy. hilarious. all of it. and so much is true!
let’s add baby hats/headbands.. not unless you want them snatching out a patch of hair, also. and they get to grow up to be called “baldilocks”
Hah! I love this post. Love it. All of it. I was given a baby bathtub, though, and I did like using it. The cleanliness level of our new-parent sink wasn’t high enough for me to want to put my baby in it. But the whole baby-screaming-because-of-water-being-poured-on-her-head is so true, no matter where you’re bathing your baby!