When an elementary school-aged boy starts playing football, a number of things happen to his mother: She’s consumed with pride for him yet terrified that he will be smashed to smithereens, and she is thrust into a new group of sports moms whereby she must navigate the various unspoken rules and customs they observe.
After recently experiencing both of my sons’ first football games, I can honestly tell you that being a football mom is riddled with this battlefield of emotions, and it’s overwhelming in a lot of ways. I followed each play of the game more closely than any other football game in my life, but so many thoughts kept running through my head that it was tough to follow the actual game plays. I’m betting you can relate if you’ve endured this spectacle as a mother. For the record, it’s legit.
1. Did I bleach his pants enough? Do they look dingy next to his teammates’ pants, or is that just me? Maybe I should’ve bought him an extra pair of pants. Wait, is that what the other moms did? Son of a…. Great. Just great.
2. Son, pay attention. You are going to get your head knocked off, and I’m not going to feel sorry for you because you won’t pay attention. Don’t come crying to me. Geez, it’s hot out here.
3. That kid attacked my son! How dare he hit him so hard? Are we sure he’s the correct age for this league? And within the weight limit? Somebody hold my earrings, I’m about to show him how it feels to get knocked down by someone bigger than him!
4. Woo-hoo! Run! Go! Get a touchdown! Oh crap. Stop! Wrong way! That’s not your end zone! Sigh.
5. Can I count watching pee-wee football as exercise on my MyFitnessPal app? I bet all of this jumping up and down, running down the sidelines and lugging around the huge snack basket has burned more calories in the past hour than I ever have at the gym.
6. It’s really sunny and hot out here today. Think the coach sprayed them down with sunscreen? Of course he did. He has a son on the team, and my husband would spray…oh no. My kid is going to be scorched. Maybe I can spray him quietly when he’s on the sidelines.
7. Look at that form! We have a Peyton Manning in the making. First there will be junior high and high school state championships and then a college scholarship, then the pros. Better start making connections with the university now! Think the scouts will want to watch their future Heisman winner from the very beginning?
8. Get him! Knock him down! Don’t you dare let that boy get past you! Your daddy taught you better than that! Heck, I taught you better than that! Body slam him like you do your brother! Inflict Pain! It is so hot out here!
9. Am I the only one here wearing a T-shirt and shorts? Did I miss the memo on wearing cute outfits with team colors? Now I look like the slacker mom who doesn’t completely support the team.
10. Who decided that football season should start when it’s still hot outside? Thank God, fall weather is just around the corner. I hope.
11. Thank goodness the referee didn’t notice my son moved before the ball was snapped. Maybe he’s secretly a fan of our team. I’m sweating to death.
12. That call was ridiculous! Home cooking, I tell you. Did the other team’s coach pay the referee? I noticed one of the moms from over there was flirting with the referee in the parking lot.
13. Come on, Son, quit watching the cheerleaders while you’re on the sideline. Your coach is never going to put you back in if you don’t focus on the game!
14. Look at that mom over there losing her mind! Your kid isn’t the best on the team, lady. They are just kids, after all.