To be fair, I think my seven-year-old really did feel sick for about five minutes on Monday morning. And maybe for about five minutes on Tuesday morning. And he may have felt pretty terrible on Tuesday afternoon for about five minutes after I said I was taking him to school after lunch if he didn’t start appearing more sick than he was.
Wondering if your child is really sick or just faking it? Here are ten ways to spot the fakers…
1. After you tell them, a little begrudgingly that, okay, they can stay home because maybe that cough sounds contagious, they immediately shout, “Yay, I won’t have any homework today!”
2. They come up for a snack and, out of the corner of your eye you see them sprint back downstairs with something clutched tightly behind their back. When you track down the child and their “snack”, you find a bag of Every Flavor Jelly Beans that they got recently at a Harry Potter birthday party. Yes, they wanted to eat barf flavored jelly beans for a snack.
3. They can’t stop playing the game, Make Little Sister Scream Her Face Off.
4. You go downstairs to get some laundry and you find them standing on their head in the stairwell. IN THE STAIRWELL.
5. They eat twice the amount of food that you do at lunch and then ask politely if they can have their bag of Every Flavor Jelly Beans for dessert.
6. A few times a day, they come up to you, fart, and giggle hysterically. Like any other day.
7. When you say to them, “Can I take your picture so that I can document this day to remember to always send you to school unless there is a fever or puking involved” and they start breakdancing on the floor.
8. When you suggest that they should probably relax, they decide that relaxing means sitting on the chair for approximately 10 seconds. At 15 seconds, they have confiscated your phone and have begun to take selfies with a weighted exercise ball on their head.
9. They can’t stop singing “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” in falsetto when they are supposed to be taking a nap.
10. And then, when they have actually been quiet in their room for a while, you sneak down to check on them again. Because you are a masochist. You are quite shocked when you enter their room because it appears to have exploded. You are simultaneously annoyed and awed by the sheer amount of things that litter the ground. Legos, toddler puzzles, little shredded pieces of cardboard, the entire contents of their underwear drawer.
They take one look at your face and say, “I know, I know. I’m going back to school tomorrow.”
Related post: 7 Murphy’s Laws When Your Kid is Sick