10 Ways to Piss Off a Pregnant Woman

255 Comments

pregnant-hate

I’ve been at this whole pregnancy website thing a year now and it didn’t take me long to realize that there are certain things that tick off most (although not all) pregnant women. Sure, sure we can go around telling them they looks great but sometimes you just want to be a dick and what better way to do that than messing with a woman with child? Well, here are just a few universal nuggets that I’ve found if you’re looking to poke the pregnant bear.

10. Tell her your birth story. Even if she starts to walk away, just follow her with every gory detail about your birth. The more painful and horrible, the better. And be sure to keep asking her if she’s scared. If she says “no” just ask her if she’s sure or tell her that she should be. Maybe she needs to hear about your episiotomy again.

9. Suggest a name. It’s doubtful that she and her partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important that you weigh in on this decision with a couple of names you thought of on the way into work. If you come up with a funny one be sure to greet her stomach with it, for example scream, “How’s it going in there, Ass-Clown-Charlie Brown?!” Be sure to lean on the surname when you say it.

8. Comment on her size. If she’s looking big be sure to ask if she’s sure there isn’t two in there or if she’s sure she’s due in two months and not at noon. If she looks small be sure to ask her where she’s hiding it or suggest maybe she just swallowed a grape. This one might also make her worry that something’s wrong so it’s a nice double whammy.

7. Jump in with “Just you wait until the baby comes” anytime she looks like she’s enjoying herself or if she’s a little too happy about the baby. Clearly she doesn’t realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t get too excited. Babies are awful.

6. Tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing. It really is amazing that she made it as far as she has considering how reckless she’s being with her diet and daily routine. Normally you wouldn’t care but seeing as there’s a baby involved, you better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give her dirty looks and shake your head. That will teach her. You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday.

5. Ask her if her pregnancy was an accident. The less you know the woman the better because it will make her realize that you don’t approve of her reproductive schedule (of course you would never come out and say that because that would just be rude). An even subtler comment would be, “You know how that happens, right?” Everybody in the room will think it’s funny but she knows, and you know, that you’ve just pointed out that she’s had sex. If she becomes offended, just tell her it was a joke and to lighten up then roll your eyes and say “hormones”.

4. Ask her if she knows what she’s having. If she tells you the sex ask her if she’s disappointed that she isn’t having the opposite (on the off chance that she says “yes”, be sure to tell her child that their mother didn’t want them at an age appropriate time). If she says that they aren’t finding out the sex, act surprised and say “Don’t you want to know?!” Say it in a way that implies that she isn’t interested in her baby.

3. Ask her if she conceived naturally especially if you don’t know the woman very well. Be sure to ask her in front of other strangers if possible. It’s a great question because if she used fertility treatments she has to reveal a very person, private part of her life and if she didn’t she also has to reveal a very person, private part of her life. If she says that it’s none of your business, you can just hold up your hands in defense and say, “Whoa, easy, I was just asking a question. Someone is touchy today.” She can’t win. It’s a delicious catch 22.

2. Toward the end of her pregnancy, be surprised every time you see her. Say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery she is *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too.

1. Touch her belly. The less you know her, the better. Just walk up to her and start molesting her stomach. Make an “MMmmmm” noise while you do it. If that doesn’t get her going, put your face right up to her belly button and talk into it like a microphone. Ask the baby how they’re doing and listen for an answer. If that still doesn’t upset her, comment how her baby doesn’t move much because it didn’t respond to your voice and how she may want to talk to her doctor about that.

Good luck!

Comments

  1. 1

    Jessica says

    It would drive me crazy when people would walk up and touch my stomach when I was pregnant. Never did have anyone talk into my belly button though, that would have really been creepy. Hilarious list!

  2. 2

    Life with Kaishon says

    This lady is all sorts of hilarious : )
    I love this list and plan on printing it out so I will be able to ‘win’ some new pregnant friends : )

  3. 3

    Beth says

    I hated hearing number 7. Even now, I get, “Just you wait until the terrible twos.” Or, “Wait until she’s a teenager.” I HATE that! I’ll take it when it comes, thanks.

    Great Post!

  4. 5

    janelle says

    #3!!! I have twins (since you will ask, yes, they are identical, two boys) and I ALWAYS get asked “do twins run in your family?” (yes and no. do my second cousins count? ) “where does their red hair come from?” (the milkman, I’m sure.) “Did you freak out when you found out you were having twins?” (Would you like me to tell you that I was already freaked out because it was an unplanned pregnancy so when I found out at 10 weeks, we actually laughed, because how more absurd could this be?)

    And while I don’t remember anyone else in the last five years asking me if my kids were conceived naturally or with fertility drugs (because all my friends and family knew this was not planned and strangers just assume I’m married) some lady yesterday had the audacity to ask me at the funeral of my kids grandmother if I had been on fertility treatments! Oh. My. God. Inappropriate, much? Not to mention she made a fool of herself because I was sitting with my children’s father and his family. Their father and I have never been married and have not been in a relationship for four years. Way to ask a stupid question.

    • 6

      Lady Estrogen says

      YES!! #3!!
      I couldn’t believe how many people that I barely knew would ask that! Like it’s any of their business. Isn’t that kind of an intimate detail? And what reaction do they expect depending on the answer? Is it “less” of a pregnancy if wasn’t conceived naturally? Feckin’ weird! AND this question continues even after the pregnancy – I’m sure I’ll still be getting asked this when the boys are 30.
      PS. Yes, “naturally”; yes, they run in my family. Repeat.

    • 7

      Tripletmommy says

      I totally agree! I have triplets and they were the results of fertility treatments so it’s always a tricky question to navigate! My new response is “They were a surprise”. Or I can get away with saying multiples run in the family since my aunt has twins. It’s amazing how thoughtless people can be though!

    • 8

      Katie says

      I had a surprise pregnancy, and someone honestly said to me “Oh, did the condom break?” ARE YOU SERIOUS? How is that any of your business, ever? Wtf???

      • 9

        Renee says

        Condom, what’s a condom? You mean there is something that could have prevented this. OMG, why don’t they teach this in school. Oh wait they do? Well why wasn’t I listening? Oh probably because I was busy being a tramp!!! (Said with heavy sarcasm!) People are absolutely NUTS…. ask how her last breast exam went or maybe her last pap. If it was a guy see if he’s had his protology exam recently. Like honestly, how do they get through life being so friggin NOSEY!

  5. 10

    Sarah says

    Number 9 My mother-in-law asked my sister if she’d picked a name. “Lara,” she answered, “If it’s a girl.”
    Retort, “Sounds like a prostitute.”

    Number 8 In the fifth month of my fourth pregnancy my son’s Kindergarten teacher commented on my size and asked if I was carrying twins. I informed her that I was not. Rather then be embarrassed, she asked me if I were sure and if I had had a scan!!!

    Aren’t people just delightful at times?

    • 11

      Lisa says

      My mom loves to tell me about how when she was pregnant with me she was so huge that even her doctor believed there was a twin hiding in there somewhere…he did extra ultrasounds and everything all the way up to the end of the pregnancy! Turns out it was just little ol’ me and nearly a swimming pool’s worth of water!

    • 13

      Coconuts says

      To this day my mother will not call my neice Katie. Appartently her father had an affair with a scullary maid named Katie and that is a scullary maid’s name. I dont even know what the F a scullary maid is.

  6. 15

    Lisa says

    I have this plan for when I eventually get pregnant: whenever a stranger touches my stomach, I’m going to reach out and grab a handful of boob (or crotch, I suppose, if it’s a guy). When they get offended, I’ll just say something about how I thought we must have obviously been at the touchy-feely stage of our relationship. It’ll be the only time in my life I can get away with being such a bitch because I can just be all cliche and blame it on the hormones ;)

  7. 27

    lifeintheboomerlane says

    Hilarious. The #1 thing that used to drive me nuts was when people would look at me and say “Oh, I see you are carrying (high/low/upside down/sideways/whatever.) You are going to have a (insert one of two genders).” Then they would tell me every example they knew where that was the case. People still tell me they can tell the sex of the baby by how the mom carries it. Now that I’m much older, I don’t bother to argue. I just whack them with my cane.

    • 28

      Tiffany says

      OMG me too! I am a week from my due-date and people keep telling me I am carrying high… really? Cause that head in my pelvis has been hitting my cervix for the last 2 months!!

      And I am told all the time that it must be a boy, cause I’m all in front… Um… thanks?

      • 29

        P says

        Everyone and their dog told me I was having a boy because I was carrying all out in front – strangers even stopped me in the street to tell me (wtf?). I thought I was having a girl but everyone was so sure I started to believe them.
        We had a beautiful baby girl. Ha, I was glad they were all wrong – only because they had all annoyed me so much, not because I had any preference!

  8. 31

    Amanda says

    You can add the OB telling you to stop eating so much junk food because you’re gaining too much weight, and when you explain that ALL food, especially the greasy and not good for you, makes you physically ill, she insists you’re lying. Then she tells you your baby is 7lbs at the most, but when you say, “No, he’s at least 9-10lbs,” she tells you you don’t know anything you’re just the mom. And when he’s born, he’s about 9lbs, and you’re down to your puking weight by your 6 weeks check up without exercising – because it was all that junk food you know. No, I’m not bitter at all.

    • 32

      Kate says

      Sorry you were so sick, but I love this one. At my 38 week check-up, the Dr estimated my child (sex unknown BY CHOICE) was “going to end up around 7 lbs” as of the 38 week check-up. I the baby 5 days later – all 10 lbs oz of him ;) I am a bigger girl and was told I didn’t need to gain much weight at all to have a healthy baby … I wasn’t a junk food addict – ate inredibly healthy (and not massive quantities of food), didn’t have GD, etc – but gained a crap ton of weight (around 50 lbs). I loved it when the Dr. kept suggesting we needed to ‘redo the diabetes test’ b/c she didn’t believe that I wasn’t eating massive amounts of crap, etc. By my 2 week post-c-sec check-up, I had lost 35 lbs. By 6 weeks, I had lost more than I gained during the pregnancy ;)

      • 33

        Jean says

        OH god, I hope that happens for me!! 30 weeks in and gained (i can’t even type it out loud)…a lot……
        On a side note, we need to create better plus size maternity clothes!!

        • 34

          Ros Akilapa says

          When I was having my first child I bought a lovely maternity dress assuming it was going to fit me right through the pregnancy. I was a 34″ bust, 5’10″ tall. The dress lasted me till I was approx 5 months pregnant. I wasnt plus size they just werent well designed. As I am a dressmaker I designed and made all my clothes for future pregnancies, all 3 of them.

          The number of times I heard people telling me that I was so big my bump would explode if it got any bigger – I made a lot of water. The ultra-sound technician once told me that she was surprised my baby hadn’t drowned in all the water I made. One social worker who I worked with suggested that giving birth should be like shelling peas for me as I was married to an African man. I pointed out that he might be African but I am not so I was not likely to crouch down at the roadside and then get up and take the baby home.

      • 35

        Katy says

        Same thing here. The doc told me on Monday that I was having an 8 pounder. Three days later, 9.4. I told them they needed better equipment.

      • 36

        Suz says

        Same thing happened to me Kate. The doctors sent me to a dietician claiming I couldn’t possible be eating properly if I was so big. The dietician had a look at my eating diary and asked “why have they sent you? The only thing you need to alter is halve the milk drink you have at morning tea to 200 mls and this is practically a perfect meal plan”. My husband was training for a marathon at the time and he did all my meal/food prep (as I was too tired and lazy) so I was literally eating the perfect meal plan and still the doctors went on and on about my weight. It all came off pronto post birth.

    • 37

      Veronica says

      I hated the looks that the nurse would give me when she took my weight. I am a bigger girl too, and I ate so healthy (junk food also made me want to yack) and carrying 20lbs of baby goop, when my baby was born I had lost 30lbs from my pre-prgnancy weight. So I would lose like 1oz and they would ask me “are you OK???!!!!” Uh…yes, just like last week….and the week before that. I would have to go through 10mins of explination each time about how, no I’m not sick, I was FAT before I got pregnant. Thanks for bringing that up…..

    • 38

      Sarah says

      I had kind of the opposite… I gained a TON of weight even though I didn’t eat that much junk. My doctor was always pretty much calling me a liar and then told me to expect my baby to be approx 9lbs. My son was born barely above six lbs and we were both extremely healthy. Doctors make me crazy sometimes!!

  9. 39

    myevil3yearold says

    I hated #1. What made complete strangers feel like they could walk up to me and rub me? I tried to look super pissed off every time I went to the store so this would not happen but apparently it just made me look “cuter” and more people rub my belly.

    • 40

      ziggy says

      iwas told that they must have been wrong about my due date .iwent to the hospital at 9 am they said your baby is only about 5-6 pounds and you have another month to go I returned at 9 pm that night and delivered a 9 pound 13 oz baby

  10. 41

    Selena says

    Oh boy! I’ve had all of these happen! Thankfully, as soon as I saw the word “Pregnant” on the stick, I knew what I was getting into. So far, only 2 people have taken it upon themselves to touch me. First, was a nurse I didn’t know well at work, who would rub and talk to my belly at about 10 weeks. No ears yet, but the baby can hear? The second person was my F-i-L a few days ago patted my belly when he passed by me, asking me how the kiddo was doing. That one was taken in a mix of discomfort as well as endearment. He’s just so excited about his new grandbaby.
    Now, when I visit my old job (there was a big politically charged turn around, and I was one of the folks fired. 4 days before Christmas. 14 weeks pregnant. Jerks.) to have lunch with my friends there, a few of them seem to get bummed that I’m not HUGE. I told my hubby, “Funny, I feel huge!” and he let me know (nicely) that I am definitely showing, but that my chest has grown to match my stomach and it’s deceiving.
    And yeah, why is it that A: everyone assumes that now that we have the ability to know the sex of the baby, we MUST know it, and B: when we, the parents, chose not to know, we’re making it inconvient for THEM?

    Loved this whole article. :)

    • 42

      Tiffany says

      The gender thing here too!! I had people begging me to find out… even asking if they can find out, if they promise not to tell me…

      Also, the grandmas were scrutinizing ultrasound pics to see if they could see a little penis… Just wait and see, will ya?

  11. 43

    Selena says

    Boobs: Also, being naturally larger, I’ve had about enough of “You’re soooo lucky!”. First off, no. I pay more for bras, they’re uncomfortable, and for what? To look at? Big whoop. Now that I’m preggo, it’s even more fun! Now I’ve grown many sizes… and of course, my genetics being how they are… I will not return to normal unless I have surgery. My hubby even admitted that they’re just TOO big now! (Seriously. I guess some men DO have limits. LOL!) We now like to have fun with descriptive words that start with “F”. However, it appears I will have to move on to the next letter. (TGI only 11 more weeks to go! Can’t buy another bra!!!)
    So to have someone tell me now that they’re jealous?
    I wanna smack them. Hard. Repeatedly. Till they whimper. Yeah. (and I’m in healthcare. I ooze compassion! Usually.)
    Is it enough to already be clumsy and now have a heavy belly in front? No! Let’s throw off the balance some more with boulders to match!

    Thank you for this time to vent. :)

    • 44

      Coconuts says

      I feel your pain there. My boobs got so big you could hardly tell I was pregnant. I just looked like a fat stripper. Even more joy when the milk comes in. I woke my husband up and said “take a look at these bad boys”

    • 45

      LibraryLady says

      You completely have my sympathy. Large-sized bras that actually fit are expensive! I went up to an H while I was pregnant, and after when my milk came it it went beyond comical to ominous and scary. It looked like I had twin death stars on my chest.

    • 46

      Selena says

      Oh my! I’m already somewhere past F… and I have 11 more weeks till the due date!

      And I just realized that to type this, I sat the washcloth I was folding on my new “shelf” without even thinking about it! That still doesn’t make them any cooler. LOL.

      *worried look*

      • 47

        Becca_Masters says

        This is hilarious and scary too.
        I’m already a HH cup and I’m NOT even pregnant yet!
        I’m dreading to think how much bigger they get. Part of me also worries that if I breast feed, I may crush my baby’s head under the weight of my huge boobs!

        Oh god.

    • 49

      Selena says

      Update…:
      Well, we went to Motherhood yesterday. I said, “I’m needing to be sized, I’ve outgrown my ‘F’”. The associate did a double take. “Some people pay good money for that!”. She then said they don’t carry anythink higher, and suggested a few other stores, or a custom shop. We go to Macy’s and the associate is ringing up a few older ladies but she asks if I’ve got a quesiton. I ask, “How high does your sizing go?” “G” “Oh good!” My DH tells me that both ladies in line whipped their heads around and looked at me, then at my chest. We look at the bras… $70 (US). Kid you not! I tell my DH, “Yeah, that’s what I’m budgeting for a crib, not for a bra I’m going to outgrow in a month!” So we go to JC Penney, and I ask the same question. After a long time of the woman not getting why I’m not understanding the cryptic answer of “Double”, I finally ask “What letter?” “Huh?” “What letter is doubled?” “Oh, D. Double D.” Thanks anyway… that’s where I started this road at… I’m not onto higher hillsides and steeper valleys.
      So I call the custom shop, and ask their prices. Just a tad higher than what I was paying pre-pregnancy but no where near $70. So we go…

      *drumroll please*
      I. As in “I have 10 /12 more weeks till delivery and I am an I!!!”
      I’d also like to add that with just more size upgrade, I will hold the family record of biggest preggo chest in the family. I sure hope the medal you get with that accomplishment is huge so it doesn’t get lost in all that Mammary Madness!
      (I’d like to add, if anyone is in the Tacoma area, and needs specialty bras, Judy’s on S. Pine was wonderful! Free bra fittings by appt. and I happened to sneak one in before some other appts since we were close. I honestly don’t know how far up the alphabet they go… but I have a feeling I’m about to find out. They have a shop in Olympia and one in Tacoma. The gals were so nice, and discreet, and were really helpful. Plus, as a fan of older sewing machines, it brought a smile to my face to see an older Singer is what they use to do additional alterations on.)

      • 50

        Selena says

        Sorry for the poor grammar. Pregnancy brain casualty, it appears.
        I do have an answer to the sizes though for Judy’s. Bands run 30-56, cup sizes run AA to M. I went ahead and googled them.

        • 51

          Coconuts says

          Sweet mother of god. Good luck with that! You’re almost carrying 3 babies! I got no sympathy from my husband either. He would just get a dreamy look on this face when he looked at them.

      • 52

        Joie says

        In Olympia and Tacoma? AWESOME! I have a lot of friends that are preggo right now (it’s in the water…I know it is!!!) and could definitely use this info!!

      • 53

        Laura says

        I was a very full D before I got pregnant. I grew 2 cup sizes in the first 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant (ouch) and have added yet another cup size since. For those of you playing along at home, that’s a G – and my milk hasn’t come in yet. Shoot me now.

        For anyone looking, I had the best luck finding bras at Lane Bryant. The band sizes start at 36 (sorry skinny ladies) and they have extended cup sizes. The ones I have aren’t my favorites ever, but they get the job done and didn’t cost me an arm and a leg. The only hitch is you have to buy online for much of the selection, but they make in-store returns easy so you can just buy anything that might work and return the rejects.

        • 54

          Ambria says

          Ugh. I don’t even want to think about how awful bra shopping is going to be. It was hard enough finding my size (32 DDD) to begin with.

    • 55

      Sarah says

      I’m not the only one?!?!? I grew 8 cup sizes with my first and they never went away!!!! They were too big to begin with, esp since I wear a 32, so now that I am done with the babies I just look like a tramp. My DH likes them, which clearly makes him a freak. Like me. *sigh*

  12. 56

    Allison says

    Ahhhh yes, she hit the nail on the head with these :) My baby is a week old and the thought of any of these questions/comments still make me flinch!

  13. 57

    Alexandria says

    I think the worse is the unsolicited advice. Just let me figure out motherhood the same way you did.

  14. 58

    Kate & Lydia says

    DAMN IT, AMY. Why do you always do this? We were giggling through the whole post until we got to “tail removal surgery” and then came the coffee spray and the involuntary “BA HAW HAW!” Pregnant Chicken & Scary Mommy are like an awesome sandwich of vodka and grapefruit juice. Wait? What. Oh right, that’s not a sandwich. But it’s still awesome.

    Great post! xo, Kate & Lydia

  15. 59

    Memoirs of a Single Dad says

    Ha! I even got one of these. “So, gained some sympathy weight, huh?” Uh…what? Good morning to you, too, Grandma. =P

  16. 60

    Nicole says

    My mother in law recently asked me what name we had picked. Let me remind you, this name has been set in stone and there is not turning back. I told her Lacey Jane. She said.. EW i dont like it. Then suggested I give my baby her name as the middle name. HA! After how wonderful she has been for the last 3 years, why would I name my baby after her? (insert sarcasm here)

      • 62

        GG says

        I shared with a co-worker what my husband and I were thinking of for a girl’s name and she replied, “I wouldn’t tell anyone else. They’re not going to like it and you don’t want to hear that.” Gee – thanks!!

        • 63

          Nicole says

          I love when people think of every way your kid could possibly get made fun of for his or her name. I have heard “they will call her Lazy Jane!” No they wont because mommy will kick their ass!

    • 65

      Coconuts says

      My MIL sat on the hospital bed and informed me at the top of her lungs how much she hated my daughter’s name. Mind you it was my maiden name and I had just been cut open 2 hours prior to this nugget after 9 months of puking and peeing my pants.

      • 66

        Nicole says

        That is terrible! This is my second pregnancy and, let me tell you, the pants peeing is in full effect! When we learned we were having a little girl we decided to tell my Mother in law that it was another boy. She. Was. PISSED! “I really wanted a girl” she said. Eventually, only to shut her up, I told her the truth that it was indeed a girl. She had to tell me that she *knew* i was having a girl because of the way I was carrying her. Obviously my unemployed -because her neck hurts- mother in law, used to be a psychic. I think if she wants a girl so bad she should go have her own because she may not be seeing as much of mine as she thinks!

        • 67

          Coconuts says

          LOL. I had 2 girls. My MIL only wanted boys. Even when we knew the 2nd was a girl she kept calling it a boy. I finally told her that calling it a boy was not going to put the stem on the apple.

    • 68

      Joie says

      Before my friend found out she was pregnant, we were at lunch with a group of friends discussing names we liked for kids, etc. She announced that she did NOT like names that were “ok” for both genders like Cameron, etc. And she did not like the name Joey/Joie. Hi, I am Joie. Remember me?! She looked at me and after a second realized what she said. Uh, thanks!

      Oh, and then I said the names I liked…I was told that those names don’t sound too good. Thanks. Just thanks.

  17. 70

    Alexis says

    I hate those “babies are so precious enjoy every minute” people almost as much as the “it only gets harder” people. Frankly both of my kids got infinitely more fun as they got older (and were decidedly NOT fun when they were babies).

  18. 71

    Megan (Best of Fates) says

    The tax-supported tail surgery – of course!

    Man, I’ve been looking for an excuse to harass a pregnant woman for years now, I can’t believe I never thought of that!

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