Pregnantchicken.com is written by Amy Morrison. A Canadian asshat with two little boys, a husband and a couple of geriatric cats. She started the website when she found out that she could have safely consumed caffeinated coffee during both her pregnancies and she was livid. She decided that the truth needed to be told about the myths surrounding pregnancy and the crap that goes along with it. She loves cheesies, teak furniture and clap tracks in music.
I’ve been at this whole pregnancy website thing a year now and it didn’t take me long to realize that there are certain things that tick off most (although not all) pregnant women. Sure, sure we can go around telling them they looks great but sometimes you just want to be a dick and what better way to do that than messing with a woman with child? Well, here are just a few universal nuggets that I’ve found if you’re looking to poke the pregnant bear.
10. Tell her your birth story. Even if she starts to walk away, just follow her with every gory detail about your birth. The more painful and horrible, the better. And be sure to keep asking her if she’s scared. If she says “no” just ask her if she’s sure or tell her that she should be. Maybe she needs to hear about your episiotomy again.
9. Suggest a name. It’s doubtful that she and her partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important that you weigh in on this decision with a couple of names you thought of on the way into work. If you come up with a funny one be sure to greet her stomach with it, for example scream, “How’s it going in there, Ass-Clown-Charlie Brown?!” Be sure to lean on the surname when you say it.
8. Comment on her size. If she’s looking big be sure to ask if she’s sure there isn’t two in there or if she’s sure she’s due in two months and not at noon. If she looks small be sure to ask her where she’s hiding it or suggest maybe she just swallowed a grape. This one might also make her worry that something’s wrong so it’s a nice double whammy.
7. Jump in with “Just you wait until the baby comes” anytime she looks like she’s enjoying herself or if she’s a little too happy about the baby. Clearly she doesn’t realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t get too excited. Babies are awful.
6. Tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing. It really is amazing that she made it as far as she has considering how reckless she’s being with her diet and daily routine. Normally you wouldn’t care but seeing as there’s a baby involved, you better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give her dirty looks and shake your head. That will teach her. You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday.
5. Ask her if her pregnancy was an accident. The less you know the woman the better because it will make her realize that you don’t approve of her reproductive schedule (of course you would never come out and say that because that would just be rude). An even subtler comment would be, “You know how that happens, right?” Everybody in the room will think it’s funny but she knows, and you know, that you’ve just pointed out that she’s had sex. If she becomes offended, just tell her it was a joke and to lighten up then roll your eyes and say “hormones”.
4. Ask her if she knows what she’s having. If she tells you the sex ask her if she’s disappointed that she isn’t having the opposite (on the off chance that she says “yes”, be sure to tell her child that their mother didn’t want them at an age appropriate time). If she says that they aren’t finding out the sex, act surprised and say “Don’t you want to know?!”. Say it in a way that implies that she isn’t interested in her baby.
3. Ask her if she conceived naturally especially if you don’t know the woman very well. Be sure to ask her in front of other strangers if possible. It’s a great question because if she used fertility treatments she has to reveal a very person, private part of her life and if she didn’t she also has to reveal a very person, private part of her life. If she says that it’s none of your business, you can just hold up your hands in defense and say, “Whoa, easy, I was just asking a question. Someone is touchy today.” She can’t win. It’s a delicious catch 22.
2. Toward the end of her pregnancy, be surprised every time you see her. Say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery she is *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too.
1. Touch her belly. The less you know her, the better. Just walk up to her and start molesting her stomach. Make an “MMmmmm” noise while you do it. If that doesn’t get her going, put your face right up to her belly button and talk into it like a microphone. Ask the baby how they’re doing and listen for an answer. If that still doesn’t upset her, comment how her baby doesn’t move much because it didn’t respond to your voice and how she may want to talk to her doctor about that.
Good luck!
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{ 124 comments… read them below or add one }
It would drive me crazy when people would walk up and touch my stomach when I was pregnant. Never did have anyone talk into my belly button though, that would have really been creepy. Hilarious list!
Jessica recently posted..TGIF – I survived
This lady is all sorts of hilarious : )
I love this list and plan on printing it out so I will be able to ‘win’ some new pregnant friends : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..‘We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival’ Winston Churchill
I hated hearing number 7. Even now, I get, “Just you wait until the terrible twos.” Or, “Wait until she’s a teenager.” I HATE that! I’ll take it when it comes, thanks.
Great Post!
Beth recently posted..Back to my old selfKinda
ALL of those points make me think that this post was ghost written by Jim Carey!
x
Mrs BC recently posted..Spring Cleaning my head for Autumn
#3!!! I have twins (since you will ask, yes, they are identical, two boys) and I ALWAYS get asked “do twins run in your family?” (yes and no. do my second cousins count? ) “where does their red hair come from?” (the milkman, I’m sure.) “Did you freak out when you found out you were having twins?” (Would you like me to tell you that I was already freaked out because it was an unplanned pregnancy so when I found out at 10 weeks, we actually laughed, because how more absurd could this be?)
And while I don’t remember anyone else in the last five years asking me if my kids were conceived naturally or with fertility drugs (because all my friends and family knew this was not planned and strangers just assume I’m married) some lady yesterday had the audacity to ask me at the funeral of my kids grandmother if I had been on fertility treatments! Oh. My. God. Inappropriate, much? Not to mention she made a fool of herself because I was sitting with my children’s father and his family. Their father and I have never been married and have not been in a relationship for four years. Way to ask a stupid question.
YES!! #3!!
I couldn’t believe how many people that I barely knew would ask that! Like it’s any of their business. Isn’t that kind of an intimate detail? And what reaction do they expect depending on the answer? Is it “less” of a pregnancy if wasn’t conceived naturally? Feckin’ weird! AND this question continues even after the pregnancy – I’m sure I’ll still be getting asked this when the boys are 30.
PS. Yes, “naturally”; yes, they run in my family. Repeat.
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Didnt You Know
I totally agree! I have triplets and they were the results of fertility treatments so it’s always a tricky question to navigate! My new response is “They were a surprise”. Or I can get away with saying multiples run in the family since my aunt has twins. It’s amazing how thoughtless people can be though!
Tripletmommy recently posted..Oh my dear blog…
Number 9 My mother-in-law asked my sister if she’d picked a name. “Lara,” she answered, “If it’s a girl.”
Retort, “Sounds like a prostitute.”
Number 8 In the fifth month of my fourth pregnancy my son’s Kindergarten teacher commented on my size and asked if I was carrying twins. I informed her that I was not. Rather then be embarrassed, she asked me if I were sure and if I had had a scan!!!
Aren’t people just delightful at times?
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
My mom loves to tell me about how when she was pregnant with me she was so huge that even her doctor believed there was a twin hiding in there somewhere…he did extra ultrasounds and everything all the way up to the end of the pregnancy! Turns out it was just little ol’ me and nearly a swimming pool’s worth of water!
Lisa recently posted..Has it been a week already
If I had known that I could have told her, “I’m carrying a water baby!”
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
To this day my mother will not call my neice Katie. Appartently her father had an affair with a scullary maid named Katie and that is a scullary maid’s name. I dont even know what the F a scullary maid is.
Ouch!
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
I have this plan for when I eventually get pregnant: whenever a stranger touches my stomach, I’m going to reach out and grab a handful of boob (or crotch, I suppose, if it’s a guy). When they get offended, I’ll just say something about how I thought we must have obviously been at the touchy-feely stage of our relationship. It’ll be the only time in my life I can get away with being such a bitch because I can just be all cliche and blame it on the hormones ;)
Lisa recently posted..Has it been a week already
Sounds like a perfect plan!!
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
winning!!!!!
Love that!!
Cindy recently posted..Pictorial Catch up
LOL – love this.
Rusti recently posted..Its Sunday Funday!
OMG, I would get pregnant again just so I could do that! You’re a genius!
Moomser recently posted..Grammatical Pet Peeves
ha ha ha ha ha … i sooo want someone to touch my belly now … lolz
awesome
Hilarious. The #1 thing that used to drive me nuts was when people would look at me and say “Oh, I see you are carrying (high/low/upside down/sideways/whatever.) You are going to have a (insert one of two genders).” Then they would tell me every example they knew where that was the case. People still tell me they can tell the sex of the baby by how the mom carries it. Now that I’m much older, I don’t bother to argue. I just whack them with my cane.
lifeintheboomerlane recently posted..Taxes and Other Communicable Diseases
Every last one happened and every last one set my teeth on edge…GAH.
Kristine recently posted..Man Candy Monday Vampires are getting sexier all the time…
You can add the OB telling you to stop eating so much junk food because you’re gaining too much weight, and when you explain that ALL food, especially the greasy and not good for you, makes you physically ill, she insists you’re lying. Then she tells you your baby is 7lbs at the most, but when you say, “No, he’s at least 9-10lbs,” she tells you you don’t know anything you’re just the mom. And when he’s born, he’s about 9lbs, and you’re down to your puking weight by your 6 weeks check up without exercising – because it was all that junk food you know. No, I’m not bitter at all.
Amanda recently posted..Running Tab
Sorry you were so sick, but I love this one. At my 38 week check-up, the Dr estimated my child (sex unknown BY CHOICE) was “going to end up around 7 lbs” as of the 38 week check-up. I the baby 5 days later – all 10 lbs oz of him ;) I am a bigger girl and was told I didn’t need to gain much weight at all to have a healthy baby … I wasn’t a junk food addict – ate inredibly healthy (and not massive quantities of food), didn’t have GD, etc – but gained a crap ton of weight (around 50 lbs). I loved it when the Dr. kept suggesting we needed to ‘redo the diabetes test’ b/c she didn’t believe that I wasn’t eating massive amounts of crap, etc. By my 2 week post-c-sec check-up, I had lost 35 lbs. By 6 weeks, I had lost more than I gained during the pregnancy ;)
OH god, I hope that happens for me!! 30 weeks in and gained (i can’t even type it out loud)…a lot……
On a side note, we need to create better plus size maternity clothes!!
I hated the looks that the nurse would give me when she took my weight. I am a bigger girl too, and I ate so healthy (junk food also made me want to yack) and carrying 20lbs of baby goop, when my baby was born I had lost 30lbs from my pre-prgnancy weight. So I would lose like 1oz and they would ask me “are you OK???!!!!” Uh…yes, just like last week….and the week before that. I would have to go through 10mins of explination each time about how, no I’m not sick, I was FAT before I got pregnant. Thanks for bringing that up…..
I hated #1. What made complete strangers feel like they could walk up to me and rub me? I tried to look super pissed off every time I went to the store so this would not happen but apparently it just made me look “cuter” and more people rub my belly.
myevil3yearold recently posted..Generation Gap
Oh boy! I’ve had all of these happen! Thankfully, as soon as I saw the word “Pregnant” on the stick, I knew what I was getting into. So far, only 2 people have taken it upon themselves to touch me. First, was a nurse I didn’t know well at work, who would rub and talk to my belly at about 10 weeks. No ears yet, but the baby can hear? The second person was my F-i-L a few days ago patted my belly when he passed by me, asking me how the kiddo was doing. That one was taken in a mix of discomfort as well as endearment. He’s just so excited about his new grandbaby.
Now, when I visit my old job (there was a big politically charged turn around, and I was one of the folks fired. 4 days before Christmas. 14 weeks pregnant. Jerks.) to have lunch with my friends there, a few of them seem to get bummed that I’m not HUGE. I told my hubby, “Funny, I feel huge!” and he let me know (nicely) that I am definitely showing, but that my chest has grown to match my stomach and it’s deceiving.
And yeah, why is it that A: everyone assumes that now that we have the ability to know the sex of the baby, we MUST know it, and B: when we, the parents, chose not to know, we’re making it inconvient for THEM?
Loved this whole article. :)
Boobs: Also, being naturally larger, I’ve had about enough of “You’re soooo lucky!”. First off, no. I pay more for bras, they’re uncomfortable, and for what? To look at? Big whoop. Now that I’m preggo, it’s even more fun! Now I’ve grown many sizes… and of course, my genetics being how they are… I will not return to normal unless I have surgery. My hubby even admitted that they’re just TOO big now! (Seriously. I guess some men DO have limits. LOL!) We now like to have fun with descriptive words that start with “F”. However, it appears I will have to move on to the next letter. (TGI only 11 more weeks to go! Can’t buy another bra!!!)
So to have someone tell me now that they’re jealous?
I wanna smack them. Hard. Repeatedly. Till they whimper. Yeah. (and I’m in healthcare. I ooze compassion! Usually.)
Is it enough to already be clumsy and now have a heavy belly in front? No! Let’s throw off the balance some more with boulders to match!
Thank you for this time to vent. :)
I feel your pain there. My boobs got so big you could hardly tell I was pregnant. I just looked like a fat stripper. Even more joy when the milk comes in. I woke my husband up and said “take a look at these bad boys”
You completely have my sympathy. Large-sized bras that actually fit are expensive! I went up to an H while I was pregnant, and after when my milk came it it went beyond comical to ominous and scary. It looked like I had twin death stars on my chest.
Oh my! I’m already somewhere past F… and I have 11 more weeks till the due date!
And I just realized that to type this, I sat the washcloth I was folding on my new “shelf” without even thinking about it! That still doesn’t make them any cooler. LOL.
*worried look*
This is hilarious and scary too.
I’m already a HH cup and I’m NOT even pregnant yet!
I’m dreading to think how much bigger they get. Part of me also worries that if I breast feed, I may crush my baby’s head under the weight of my huge boobs!
Oh god.
Becca_Masters recently posted..Go Alan- its ya birfday!
o_O You may want to start saving for the bra fund. LOL
Update…:
Well, we went to Motherhood yesterday. I said, “I’m needing to be sized, I’ve outgrown my ‘F’”. The associate did a double take. “Some people pay good money for that!”. She then said they don’t carry anythink higher, and suggested a few other stores, or a custom shop. We go to Macy’s and the associate is ringing up a few older ladies but she asks if I’ve got a quesiton. I ask, “How high does your sizing go?” “G” “Oh good!” My DH tells me that both ladies in line whipped their heads around and looked at me, then at my chest. We look at the bras… $70 (US). Kid you not! I tell my DH, “Yeah, that’s what I’m budgeting for a crib, not for a bra I’m going to outgrow in a month!” So we go to JC Penney, and I ask the same question. After a long time of the woman not getting why I’m not understanding the cryptic answer of “Double”, I finally ask “What letter?” “Huh?” “What letter is doubled?” “Oh, D. Double D.” Thanks anyway… that’s where I started this road at… I’m not onto higher hillsides and steeper valleys.
So I call the custom shop, and ask their prices. Just a tad higher than what I was paying pre-pregnancy but no where near $70. So we go…
*drumroll please*
I. As in “I have 10 /12 more weeks till delivery and I am an I!!!”
I’d also like to add that with just more size upgrade, I will hold the family record of biggest preggo chest in the family. I sure hope the medal you get with that accomplishment is huge so it doesn’t get lost in all that Mammary Madness!
(I’d like to add, if anyone is in the Tacoma area, and needs specialty bras, Judy’s on S. Pine was wonderful! Free bra fittings by appt. and I happened to sneak one in before some other appts since we were close. I honestly don’t know how far up the alphabet they go… but I have a feeling I’m about to find out. They have a shop in Olympia and one in Tacoma. The gals were so nice, and discreet, and were really helpful. Plus, as a fan of older sewing machines, it brought a smile to my face to see an older Singer is what they use to do additional alterations on.)
Sorry for the poor grammar. Pregnancy brain casualty, it appears.
I do have an answer to the sizes though for Judy’s. Bands run 30-56, cup sizes run AA to M. I went ahead and googled them.
Sweet mother of god. Good luck with that! You’re almost carrying 3 babies! I got no sympathy from my husband either. He would just get a dreamy look on this face when he looked at them.
In Olympia and Tacoma? AWESOME! I have a lot of friends that are preggo right now (it’s in the water…I know it is!!!) and could definitely use this info!!
I’m not the only one?!?!? I grew 8 cup sizes with my first and they never went away!!!! They were too big to begin with, esp since I wear a 32, so now that I am done with the babies I just look like a tramp. My DH likes them, which clearly makes him a freak. Like me. *sigh*
Ahhhh yes, she hit the nail on the head with these :) My baby is a week old and the thought of any of these questions/comments still make me flinch!
Allison recently posted..A Whole New Novice Journey!
I think the worse is the unsolicited advice. Just let me figure out motherhood the same way you did.
DAMN IT, AMY. Why do you always do this? We were giggling through the whole post until we got to “tail removal surgery” and then came the coffee spray and the involuntary “BA HAW HAW!” Pregnant Chicken & Scary Mommy are like an awesome sandwich of vodka and grapefruit juice. Wait? What. Oh right, that’s not a sandwich. But it’s still awesome.
Great post! xo, Kate & Lydia
Ha! I even got one of these. “So, gained some sympathy weight, huh?” Uh…what? Good morning to you, too, Grandma. =P
Memoirs of a Single Dad recently posted..Dad vs Father and Dad’s Rights
My mother in law recently asked me what name we had picked. Let me remind you, this name has been set in stone and there is not turning back. I told her Lacey Jane. She said.. EW i dont like it. Then suggested I give my baby her name as the middle name. HA! After how wonderful she has been for the last 3 years, why would I name my baby after her? (insert sarcasm here)
Aren’t Mother-in-laws just great?
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
I shared with a co-worker what my husband and I were thinking of for a girl’s name and she replied, “I wouldn’t tell anyone else. They’re not going to like it and you don’t want to hear that.” Gee – thanks!!
I love when people think of every way your kid could possibly get made fun of for his or her name. I have heard “they will call her Lazy Jane!” No they wont because mommy will kick their ass!
Some people have no shame.
Sarah recently posted..Adventures of a drying housewife
My MIL sat on the hospital bed and informed me at the top of her lungs how much she hated my daughter’s name. Mind you it was my maiden name and I had just been cut open 2 hours prior to this nugget after 9 months of puking and peeing my pants.
That is terrible! This is my second pregnancy and, let me tell you, the pants peeing is in full effect! When we learned we were having a little girl we decided to tell my Mother in law that it was another boy. She. Was. PISSED! “I really wanted a girl” she said. Eventually, only to shut her up, I told her the truth that it was indeed a girl. She had to tell me that she *knew* i was having a girl because of the way I was carrying her. Obviously my unemployed -because her neck hurts- mother in law, used to be a psychic. I think if she wants a girl so bad she should go have her own because she may not be seeing as much of mine as she thinks!
LOL. I had 2 girls. My MIL only wanted boys. Even when we knew the 2nd was a girl she kept calling it a boy. I finally told her that calling it a boy was not going to put the stem on the apple.
Before my friend found out she was pregnant, we were at lunch with a group of friends discussing names we liked for kids, etc. She announced that she did NOT like names that were “ok” for both genders like Cameron, etc. And she did not like the name Joey/Joie. Hi, I am Joie. Remember me?! She looked at me and after a second realized what she said. Uh, thanks!
Oh, and then I said the names I liked…I was told that those names don’t sound too good. Thanks. Just thanks.
Joie recently posted..Such Aspirations
I hate those “babies are so precious enjoy every minute” people almost as much as the “it only gets harder” people. Frankly both of my kids got infinitely more fun as they got older (and were decidedly NOT fun when they were babies).
Alexis recently posted..How to Use a Toddler Alarm Clock
The tax-supported tail surgery – of course!
Man, I’ve been looking for an excuse to harass a pregnant woman for years now, I can’t believe I never thought of that!
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Cookies & Hair & Deer- Oh My!
“You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday.” Absolutely hysterical!
#5 is a good one – I have a 12 year gap in between my two boys… I got asked quite a bit if it was “planned”… I guess that’s the politically correct way(???) to ask if he was an accident. They still ask over a year later if those are my only two and why I waited so long. Gets under my skin! Does it really matter?
Oh, this is too funny. I’m 38 weeks and have heard it all, and mama bear has had her claws out lately. Thanks for the morning pick-me-up!
Greta recently posted..No More Peeing In A Cup
I love this. I thought I was the only one who felt that way about certain things. I am nine months now, and I get phone calls all day, especially early in the morning, “You ain’t have that baby yet?” First, what ever happened to greetings? Second, if I did, don’t you think it would have been posted on facebook, twitter or tumblr? Third, you silly duck, if my doctor says she can come anyday, do you really think you waking me up induces the labor process?
LOVE this. I’m pregnant with #2, and not a single one of those things has changed since last time.
Thanks for the laugh!
suzanne @ pretty swell recently posted..Capture the Everyday- something I like to snack on
OMG – my oldest daughter just gave me a funny look and must be wondering what’s wrong with her mom to be laughing at the computer so hard! Thanks for writing this – what a fun read for my morning!
I often got the “are you sure you’re not having twins?”. Unbelievable!
Christi recently posted..Baby Mullet
This cracked me up. I remember when i was 8 1/2 months pregnant a guy walked up to me and said “are you pregnant or are you just fat?” I replied “i’m just fat!” He said “really” and i said “no you asshole, i’m pregnant but do you realize how rude that is if i had just been fat?”
People are stupid. That is all
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which i was snubbed
I need to apologise to just about everyone on this list. I am a belly toucher… i know and i am truely and deeply sorry. I am a toucher anyway and there is just something so awesome about a pregnant belly!!! I get its inappropriate, offensive and rude but its not ment that way… its a sign of love, community and joy. Guess that dont make up for it and I promise to try my hardest to never ever do it again x
One benefit of bed rest-didn’t have to deal with this crap during my second pregnancy!
Katy recently posted..Sisterhood Sunday
So basically, what I’m getting from the blog and the comments, is that you should just not acknowledge a pregnancy at All. Granted, I despised people touching, and even (gah! ) rubbing my belly, but had no issue with people asking if I knew the sex, or had a name picked out. But my sister is the biggest offender of this list, even informing me and her dil’s that she doesn’t like the chosen name. But we all go through it, including the unsolicited advice and judgement, and sadly, that doen’t end with childbirth!
Hahahaha. This is a perfect list and one that all should print out and memorize! :)
if one more person tells me i shud eat well and rest more, i swear!
Why is it most people I meet have read this and think this is IN FACT the way to be? In related news: what IS wrong with people?
I find myself getting myself into situations that invite stupid. Example: when asked “what names are you thinking” do NOT answer, do not ever answer. Inevitably someone says something stupid. I was telling friends our favorite name is Luella – and immediately someone joked… “Cruella – Cruella Deville. Ha ha ha.” Pretty proud of my response, however hormone fueled it was. I’m (hopeful) he won’t make that mistake again fearing the wrath of the bananas preggo.
guarros recently posted..Precious Baby
So freaking funny! I am currently 6 mos preggos and some of these things have happened! If ONE more person tells me to get my sleep now, OR for husband and I to take a little getaway together now, because EVERYTHING will change when baby comes! Seriously? Do you think I don’t know that?? I am 33 years old. I kind of have an idea of what life is going to be like when baby arrives, thanks!
This weekend MIL asked me if I could have that cup of coffee I ordered at breakfast this past weekend. Yes. A cup of coffee is fine. I checked with my OB and the Coffee police for preggo women. It is fine. Geesh….
Alicia recently posted..Mission- Find a Diaper Bag!
” the coffee police” roflmao
I have the best one yet. My MIL (well my boyfriend’s mom) showed up uninvited to the ultrasound. We didn’t want to find out the sex of the baby so she told the utrasound technician to WRITE THE SEX ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND GIVE IT TO HER!!! Excuse me bitch? The tech was smart enough to play dumb and say she couldn’t tell what it was. Just to spite my MIL I had the ultrasound tech tell me and I kept it a secret.
http://imoutofmilk.blogspot.com/2011/01/joys-of-pregnancy.html
Same crap here when I was pregnant with my twins!
Jessica recently posted..Proper Spelling and Grammar
HILARIOUS! I will never get over the amount I was almost groped by random people at the grocery store….
“Ohhhh how far along are you!?” I was asked by one woman, her hands outstretched to touch my belly. In reality I was 6 months pregnant, but I did the mean thing.. acted appalled and shocked and retorted with: “What!? I am NOT Pregnant!” Needless to say I stopped her in her tracks, she didn’t grab my belly and I guarantee she never asked how far along a stranger was EVER again.
Number 3: The perfect answer is “Natural? Only if you call the aliens with their diabolical probes natural! My doctor says it’s not true but I know it was! I called NASA but they won’t even listen to me! No one believes me! You believe me don’t you? Help me! Please. They might be back to take my baby. I hate that probe…”
Rebekah recently posted..Grow Up America
Freaking hilarious.
Becca_Masters recently posted..Go Alan- its ya birfday!
These are so perfect and true!!
Alecia @ Hoobing Family Adventures recently posted..Five Weeks of Hypnobirthing Class
About a week before my due date, I was at a large gathering with friends. One woman told me “oh you haven’t dropped at all yet, you still have at least two weeks to go.” About five minutes later I meandered around the room and another woman (who did not hear the first comment) remarked “oh, you’ve totally dropped, it’ll be any day now.” Of course, my belly’s appearance had not changed whatsoever from the first comment to the second. Just proves that all those smug know-it-alls dishing out assvice really have no idea what the hell they are talking about.
First, I love pregnantchicken, first found you with the crazy photos of pregnant couples in totally ??? poses. Still can’t stop laughing about that.
Second, I have another one for you: when I was expecting my first, I got asked by a total random stranger if it had been hard for me to get pregnant being “so old” and if I was nervous about having a baby being “so old.” What made this comment so shocking (aside from the obvious) was that (a) I was 26 at the time and (b) the person who asked me this knew I was 26 because her first question had been, “do you mind if I ask how old you are?”
Karla Valenti recently posted..Finding Meaning – A Sigh
Love this! When I was pregnant with my son, my dry cleaner attendant told me to walk with my legs closer together. She even followed me out to my car to model how to walk and make sure my stride was good enough for her. Unbelievable!
Yes, all of these drove me crazy… I hated people touching my belly. I worked in a restaurant when pregnant with my daughter and had guest always reaching over for a feel- even men. I left one afternoon so pissed off that when a women came up to me in the supermarket to get a feel- I asked her if I could touch her belly next… she had nothing to say.
With my son I got are you having twins often. Once when I responed no the dumb women asked “triplets?!”
Aren’t people awesome?
Melissa S recently posted..Take a bite & Day 71 294 Days Left
My favorite was, at eight months pregnant and carrying the most enormous belly ever, I had my back to a sales lady. When I turned to ask her a question she YELLED “Oh My God! Your are huge! There just has to be twins in there!” When I assured her that there was just one baby she INSISTED that I MUST be MISTAKEN!! Really??!!?? So Rude!
On my 30th birthday, I was about 5 months along, and my husband looked at me while I was getting dressed in the morning and said, “Damn you really look pregnant today.” To this day he still doesnt get why that made me mad.
With my first child, I kept getting asked everywhere I went if it was twins. I’d say no and then they’d ask if I was sure. It’s always fun being told you’re huge.
Terri recently posted..Relieved
I got the same thing from my husband! He had the nerve to tell me that with our first I just looked like myself with a basketball in my belly, and with our second, since my body was used to it, I was just big ‘everywhere’ And he wonders why I was so mean to tell him that yes, in fact from not going to the gym his chest had started looking like it belonged on a 12 year old boy…
Katy recently posted..Sisterhood Sunday
I absolutely hated it when strangers would touch my pregnant belly!!!! And then I refused to take my twins to the grocery store for a year and a half because I didn’t want strangers touching them. Great post!
Amanda recently posted..Rangers Baseball
When I was about 8.5 months pregnant, I was in line at a fast food restaurant during lunch. The restaurant happened to be right next to a construction site, so a lot of the construction workers were in there during their lunch breaks as well.
I was trying to decide between a salad with light dressing (like the good mother that I was going to be) or the double greasy cheesy burger with XL fries (which I ended up getting) when I noticed a hand was massaging my belly. And it wasn’t my hand. It was big and hairy and covered in dirt. I followed the arm to the person that it belonged to…… a large, portly, construction worker, hard hat and all, who was grinning at me like a cheshire cat.
I’m sure that had I been less shocked, I would’ve jumped away and/or screamed, but instead I reached my arm out and started massaging his beer belly, grinning back at him.
He stopped rubbing my belly and apologized. I stopped rubbing his and flipped him off.
I hate people sometimes.
So funny and so true! I’ve had almost all of these said to me. As much as I hate them, I still find that I start to say stupid stuff. Ugh! Will I ever learn?
I always got “you haven’t had the baby yet?” Every once in a while, I’d be brave and respond (in a shocking voice), “What!!? I’m still pregnant!!?” They’d get the idea and leave me alone. Haha!
Thanks for the list!
The WORST is being very NOT pregnant and being asked how far along you are. Two people used to live in my uterus, leave me the *&$%, it’s forever damaged. Haha!
So true! A saleslady at “Babies R Us” asked me if I was having twins when I told her my due date (I wasn’t)! I felt like saying, you deal with pg women all the time, shouldn’t you KNOW better.
Almost as much fun as the coworker who I hardly knew who asked me if we had been planning it. Ummm… we’ve been married 5 years and are both in our 30′s–we do know how to prevent pregnancy at this point!
Victoria KP recently posted..Bah Humbug!
THAT was a great needed laugh for my day! So funny!
Ally recently posted..Ooh- Ooh- That Smell
I cannot tell you how many times I was asked if I was having twins. I told a friend of mine and she didn’t believe it…until we were out at Jamba Juice and some guy asked right in front of her. Rude, rude, rude!!!
Cathy recently posted..perspective
I know, what is up with the twins comments??
I felt like screaming,
“Good Grief People! Haven’t you ever seen a pregnant lady before!!!” followed up with a punch in the face.
I would have gotten away with it, who would charge a pregnant lady? Ah, I miss being pregnant…
Theresa recently posted..Hair like that 20 years ain’t long enough…
My favourite was the “you look like you’re going to pop.. oh oh everyone hide their sharp objects” Like who the hell would have sharp objects anyways.
I have to say, I wasn’t sure coming in here what the comments would be like. It seems like you never know how people are going to take a post these days.
zeemaid recently posted..I Think Ive Found My Passion
My wife was going to make a t-shirt that read
“I’m 6 months pregnant, yes it was planned, it’s a boy, his name will be Matthew. Now F**K OFF!”
Your list made me laugh out aloud. Thanks for making my day :)
I look forward to the list of 10 things to say to a piss off a woman who has just had a baby, I’ll start it off for you…
10. When are you due?
SydneyHouseHusband recently posted..A school career begins for Oscar
Spot on!
Nina recently posted..Mr and Mrs Debate
When I was pregnant with twins, I loved when people would tell me about their cousin/friend/whogivesashit who was pregnant with twins and only one lived…WTF???
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Sorry Oprah- but I Disagree With You oh- and I seriously thought your last season would be better
When I was 4 months along with my first son I went on a plane to Vegas from Detroit with the women in my family. As I walked down the aisle to my seat an older man in a suit said “If you go into labor we’re not landing this plane early, I’m on my way to an important business meeting!” REALY!?! My answer “I’m only 4 months along so if I do go into labor this plane will be landing very quickly where ever we are because somethings wrong! Screw your business meeting!” My family didn’t know whether to laugh at my bold retort or to be embarrassed by me!
I am pregnant with baby #3 and #1 and #2 are almost 3 and almost 1(22 months apart). Whenever I’m out with them I get “oh my you have your hands full”. This is before they realize I’m pregnant again, then it’d added with looks of pity and feeling sorry for me or if they are really bold they say “how are you ever going to leave the house?” or “oh my you’ll be even busier soon, won’t you?” I haven’t come up with a cleaver response to this one yet.
And then I ALWAYS get the “Haven’t you figured out how this happens?” I’ve started responding, “I have, but obviously my husband hasn’t yet!” and I just smile. :)
And we aren’t finding out and I don’t have an epidural by choice and I get all sorts of comments about these two!
#8 reminded me of my FIL who used to ask anyone who saw me when we were in public if they thought I was having twins. I was not. I was just carrying an almost 9lb, 23 inch baby. I wanted to slap him. Fortunately for him, I am a pacifist.
I love this article. What’s more, I love the smart, witty and ironic feedback posted by the readers. (So often, the Comments section beneath an article is a reservoir of utter rubbish: misspelled, illogical and downright nonsensical bollocks. But I enjoyed reading the comments on this piece almost as much as the piece itself.) ScaryMommy, your readers clearly have brains. Well done.
And thank you.
A pregnant woman is another kind of human being, is almoust as vulnerable like a flower. Or should I say a carnivour flower. Cause she can devour you in a glimpse of an eye…
My uncle was a young naive teenager and knew nothing about these pregnancy rules. He met my mother best girlfriend, who was a bit chubby and the first thing he said to her was : ” Nice to meet you and congrats for your baby bump. It s a boy or a girl?”
Poor uncle…He was in pain for three days!
Freaking hilarious!!! We adopted our 6 year old from China and she has been home 3 1/2 months…she thinks all babies just “show up” at the orphanage gate. First time she saw a pregnant woman she said “Mommy…what’s that?” as she pointed at a swollen belly. I said there’s a baby in there…she pulled up the ladies shirt and said “uh uhhh that not a baby”. and went on to explain that was a fat belly.
I have had 3 very large babies all at least a month early (one was 6 weeks) and everyone even the Dr’s have asked me “are you sure you had the dates right”…. ummm yep I am sure! I was there!
Too funny. When I was pregnant with my first, a woman in the grocery store asked me “If it’s a boy will you circumcise Him? Because unless you’re Jewish there is no medical reason for that torture.” Seriously, the nerve of people. I told her we were going to just in case he went to college and met a nice Jewish girl he wanted to marry. That way he wouldn’t have to slice the top off his 22 year old self. Her mouth hung open and she just stared at me. Shut her up though….perfect.
This is such a great post – so funny but I’m sure so true!
One of the things that bothers me about being pregnant in the future is that everyone wil have their opinion to give you and that they know more than you – ok they have experienced something you haven’t but I hate when people do that to me.
If I ever have kids I am going to be one grumpy sarchastic pregnant lady!
Jade @ No Longer 25 recently posted..Happiness Is…
Ha.lar.ious.
I think every pregnant woman can agree with everything on this list. I’ve been on the receiving end of every single one of those comments. I once had a woman in the grocery store put her hand on my stomach and start saying a prayer.
I was so shocked I actually was speechless. Normally I would smack her away, but I couldn’t move from sheer surprise!
Mom Went Crazy recently posted..What Mom Knows
Hilarious. Wouldn’t change a thing.
I had a guy in a fruit market point to me and yell to the whole store that I was trying to steal a watermelon.
oh my word!! I just had my third and I had the last 10 things said to me over the past 9 months. I loved it also when people assumed I was pregnant with my first when I was alone and jumped in with how horrible my life was about to get. I think we need to print this out and hand it out as flyers in public places!
Kristine recently posted..Lord of the Nerds
That was hilarious!! So, so true. The part where the pregnant woman loses constantly because of her touchiness & hormones was spot on! Great p
I had EVERY one of those statements in my last 2 pregnancies. IT DROVE ME CRAZY!!! This was funny to read though.
When I was pregnant with my second, I actually made up a sticker to wear on the safety vest I had to wear at work, because I was so tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I can’t remember what it said exactly but it was something like:
Yes, I’m pregnant.
I’m due in June.
There’s only one.
I’m fine.
We don’t know what the sex is.
It didn’t stop all the questions but it helped a little. :-)
Regarding #4.
I ‘knew’ what I was having, and was not surprised when my suspicion was confirmed via u/s. When I returned one of my mother-in-laws 4,139 messages (she knew I was going in that day) to tell her, she said – and I quote:
“I KNEW it had to be a girl!!! Your face has been SO DISTORTED this entire pregnancy!!!!” with gleeful pride at her powers of observation.
Um, thanks.
Kim recently posted..Final Fourplay
I had a really creepy experience in a grocery store once while expecting my firstborn, when a girl/woman (she was in her 20s and wearing a High School Musical shirt) came up to me and told me this horrible lengthy story (I’ll spare the details) about how she was a twin, but her mother took a fall in the mall and lost her sibling, yet she survived. Then she added, “Isn’t that cool?”
I was in an exceptionally hormonal mood that day and shouted “Are you f**king socially retarded?!” Everyone gasped and stared at me like I was pregosaurus rex or something… and then I found out she was. Well, perhaps not retarded, I can’t remember specifically, but she was ‘slow’ at any rate. And I felt awful.
I try so hard to be understanding now when people approach me this time around.
The Blogtessa recently posted..Daddy & The Beach
I used to yell at my sister’s stomach all the time, I fail to see how that could be irritating….
Ditto.
I would grab my best friend’s stomach and wiggle/jiggle it back and forth whilst yelling the baby’s name out at the top of my lungs into her belly button. (she had 4 kids).
Honestly, how could they NOT love this?!
Joie recently posted..Such Aspirations
The next person who tells me a childbirth horror story is at high-risk of being kicked upside the head. I’m pretty sure I’m irritated enough at 37 weeks to physically pull it off, too. Same goes for the “your life is about to totally change” crowd. Um, yeah. That was the whole point of having the baby in the first place.
I’m reading all the comments and I’m a little shocked at how many have had problems with people touching their bellies. Hardly anybody has touched or asked to touch mine. I guess I’m already a Scary Mommy … woo hoo!
With our son we got oh that name stinks, use this one. With our daughter we said, we’re naming her when we see her. No one knew her name until she was born.
Along with mentioning how big she is, make sure you tell her that she must be having a girl. The old wives’ tale is that the the girls take all your beauty, leaving you a fat, ugly mess while preggers. So it’s just dandy (trust me on this) if you tell her each and every time you see her that she looks like she’s carrying a girl. She’ll love that.
Jessica recently posted..How You Can Brighten a Child’s Day
We didn’t tell anyone the name for our son, and it drove people crazy. They kept asking why we were keeping it a secret, and then offered advice on what we should name the baby. We kept it from everyone because we didn’t them to comment or try to talk us out of it. And in the end it felt wickedly fun to keep something secret from everyone else.
Tracey recently posted..No More Indoor Playgrounds
This is an entirely perfect post. I was victimized by all ten of these jerks while pregnant!
b harper recently posted..The Best Times pt2
As I began reading this I thought to myself that “TOUCH HER BELLY” had better be #1!
Bang on.
Lindsey recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Choices
Oh my gosh. #5: Because I already had twins and then got pregnant again, and it was NOT planned. So people asking me that only made me feel worse and more anxious.
#3: Why is it that people think it’s appropriate to ask twin moms if they conceived naturally? Because I have twins that gives you the right to butt into my business? Or my favorite: “Are your twins IVF or real?”
Leigh Ann recently posted..From 3 pounds to 3 years
lol wow very funny :) but of course wouldn’t be I guess in there and blah blah, etc. Anyway interesting post, take care :)_
Jett recently posted..Pretty Girl Names
ugh. im 33 weeks pregnant with my first. im a waitress and have had 4 random people touch my stomach. its very uncumfortable. especially since im at work so i cant say what i really want to. ive had people ask me what my mom thinks about it. aparently i dont look old enough to be married even though i am married. and even if i wasnt its just rude to assume im not. and ive had quite a few people just guess how far along i am and then when i correct them they ask if im only having one. people are very nosy about pregnant women. its really annoying.