1. Honey, go back to bed. It’s not time to get up yet.
2. It’s only 4:25 a.m., come on. Let’s go back to bed.
3. OK, fine. Just come into our bed. But Mommy needs you to move over.
4. Mommy can’t breathe. Scooch over. And your foot is digging into my back.
5. Alright, I’m up. I’m up. Let’s go downstairs.
6. One second, Mommy just needs to get her coffee.
7. Honey, come on. You’re going to be late for school. Time to get up!
8. It’s not snack time yet. We just had breakfast.
9. Honey, we’re running late. It’s time. Come on. Up out of bed!
10. Wait for Mommy. Don’t pour the milk by yourself. Wait! Wait! Don’t —
11. Hold on. Let me get some paper towels.
12. NOW! Mommy says NOW! You need to get UP! I’m not calling you again!
13. Please don’t hit your sister.
14. Where did Mommy put her coffee?
15. You have to pee? Yay, big girl. OK hurry, let’s get to the potty!
16. No, no. Pee IN the potty, sweetheart. NOT on the floor. IN the potty.
17. Ouchhhh! If Mommy trips over that thing one more time, that’s it. It’s gone.
18. Honey, don’t ride the dog. No, no. Get off the dog. We can’t ride on the dog.
19. Please. PLEASE don’t hit your sister.
20. Did anyone see Mommy’s phone? Who took Mommy’s phone? Let’s play hide and seek and GO FIND IT.
21. Buddy, please get your hand out of your pants.
22. Keep the crayons on the paper. Yep, good job. ON the paper.
23. It’s not snack time yet. We just had lunch.
24. Noooo, honey! No crayons on the table! Remember, JUST … ON … the paper!
25. Oh my gosh. WHERE is my coffee? Oh … in the microwave. Again …
26. If you hit your sister one more time, you’re going on a time out.
27. Dude, your hand … yep. It’s still in your pants.
28. Get down from there. You’re not allowed up there. Mommy needs you to come down right now.
29. Yes, Mommy loves you so, so very much. You’re still my sweetie pie. Just please don’t hit your brother over the head again. OK, honey?
30. That’s it. Time out. Let’s go.
31. Don’t bang on the door. Your time out is going to start over.
32. Honey, it’s OK. It was an accident. Let’s go get a new outfit on. We’ve only changed three times so far anyways.
33. No. Now you know. Put your clothes IN the hamper.
34. Welp, the time out is officially starting over.
35. OK, Mommy needs to do some work. Where is my laptop?
36. Honey! What did Mommy say? Do NOT pull the keys off of my laptop!
37. What’s in the baby’s mouth? You cannot feed the baby that. The baby has no teeth yet.
38. OMG. Are you choking? Honey, look at Mommy. Open your mouth.
39. What? No, no, no, no! Do not eat that once it’s in the garbage.
40. Of course. Yes. Mommy would love to watch Peppa the Pig. Again.
41. Noooo!! Don’t throw the entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet!
42. Ugh. Where’s the plunger? WHO moved the plunger? Find Mommy the plunger.
43. Who got the crayons back out? And WHO is writing on the walls?
44. No more eating the dog’s food. Please. Seriously. Enough with the dog food.
45. Sit and watch this show while Mommy grabs a quick shower, OK?
46. Will you please watch your little sister for 5 seconds while Mommy hops in the shower?
47. Yeah, forget it. You’re right. I showered two days ago.
48. Nope. Nope. Not yet. NOT snack time. You just had your snack three minutes ago.
49. Wait, get back here. You don’t have pants on yet!
50. Yes, you need to at least put underwear on.
51. No, it’s not time yet. Daddy doesn’t get home for another four hours. God help us all.
52. Where is my phone? Have you seen Mommy’s phone?
53. Wait! What are … are you … are you calling someone right now?
54. What have you done? You just bought all of these apps?
55. OK, time out. Mommy needs a time out.
56. Get your hand out of there! Do NOT stick your fingers in the toaster!
57. Nope, still two and a half hours until Daddy gets home.
58. Mmmm. Lovely. Yes, love crunching crackers under my feet all over the living room floor.
59. Where’s the dog? Who has seen the dog? She’s not in your room again, is she?
60. Shit. Shoot. Mommy said shoot.
61. We need to go get some fresh air. Let’s go for a walk.
62. Where are your shoes? Why can I not find your other shoe?
63. Um, is the baby eating your shoe again? Please put your shoes away where they’re supposed to go.
64. What is that smell?
65. Hold on, Mommy’s gotta change the baby.
66. No, don’t take your shoes off. No, do NOT take your pants off. We’ve GOT to go.
67. Don’t unbuckle yourself. Wait! You’re not unbuckling your car seat, are you?
68. Do we have everyone? One … two … three … and off to get four. OK, thank God. We’re all here. And alive.
69. Stop putting the window down. You’re going to get your fingers cut off.
70. That’s it. The cop is going to pull us over. Do not take your buckle off. That’s it. I’m pulling over.
71. Daddy’s home!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy! DADDY!!!!!!!!!
72. Take them. Please. Take one of them. Even just for five minutes. That’s all I ask.
73. Do not fight on the stairs! Someone is going to fall!
74. Get the ice pack. See! Mommy told you someone’s fingers were going to get slammed in the door.
75. Where’s the remote? Who hid the remote? Six remotes in this house and we can never find one of them.
76. Put … your … clothes … IN the hamper.
77. Please keep the water IN the tub. No, no, noooo! Do not dump water on her head!
78. Yes, Mommy DOES like John Cena, but you MAY NOT drop kick your sister like that.
79. Let’s brush your teeth. Come on. Let’s go! Teeth!
80. Don’t swallow that. Spit it out. No! You can’t eat the toothpaste!
81. Alright, let’s read this book. Oh, half the pages are torn out. Awesome.
82. Sit down. Come here. It’s quiet time. Don’t do that. PLEASE don’t do that.
83. We are praying. Don’t touch her. No … no, do not pull her hair!
84. Time to go back to bed. Come on, baby. It’s bed time.
85. No you’ve already had a drink of water.
86. OK, one more kiss. Mommy loves you soooo much. Good night, honey. See you in the morning.
87. Alright. Hurry up. Let’s go potty one more time.
88. One more. OK? One more kiss! Love you, love you! Mommy will see you at breakfast!
89. Honey, BACK … INTO … BED.
90. No, no, you are not watching another show. Peter Rabbit is asleep. Come on, it’s night night time.
91. I hear your footsteps. You better not be up!
92. Yep, I can STILL hear you!
93. That’s it. I’m coming up there RIGHT NOW.
94. Please, Mommy is begging you. Stay … in … your … bed.
95. OK, if you’re a big girl and stay in your bed, Mommy will give you a prize. Do you want a surprise?
96. No, not Mommy and Daddy’s bed. YOUR bed. You’re a big girl.
97. Fine, you can come into our bed, but you need to close your eyes. It’s so very late.
98. We are not watching another show. No one is up. Everyone is asleep.
99. OK, just one more show. THEN you promise you’ll go to sleep?
100. Honey, we have no room. The baby’s up. Can you go get her?
101. Wait, what? It’s morning? Sweet.
Yes. Every day, the monotony of motherhood is … well, flipping draining. There are some days — correction, every day — I think I laugh and cry at the same time.
However, once I checked out of the Mommy Competition, it felt so good. So freeing. Because the truth is, I don’t have my shit together. As much as I’d love to think I do, well, I don’t.
I love my kids more than anything. I would DO anything for them. But my God, I’m so exhausted I could cry. Oh wait, I do. Every single day.
I cry from exhaustion. I cry because I feel like I’m losing my mind (even when I felt there was nothing left to lose). I cry because sometimes I just want to shout JUST LEAVE MOMMY ALONE. PLEASE GO AWAY. MOMMY NEEDS A FLIPPING BREAK!
Almost every single day I have to muster up inhuman strength to pull myself out of bed and give myself a tiny pep talk that, somehow, I can do this for another day.
I wouldn’t trade motherhood for all the money or glitter and glam in this world. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to (or do) pull my hair out, or find myself banging my head against the wall and asking why hell don’t they just GET IT by now after the 438th time I’ve told them, or more likely, begged them, to stop.
All we can ask for is, “God just get me through another day. One more blessed day!”
Tomorrow will worry about itself.
I’ve learned to live in today. Live FOR today, as there is no way we can handle (or are even guaranteed) tomorrow.
“Today” is more than enough for any Mama to handle. So go use up every last ounce of fuel you have to give and somehow, some way, come tomorrow … it WILL be there, refueled and ready for you once again.
And yes, this is just one of the many miracles of motherhood.
We come back for one more day as we have one last fight left in us.
We. Are. GLADIATORS.
Related post: The Stay at Home Mom Challenge