Your kids are about the same age, and you saw her at the playground, or at mommy-baby yoga, or La Leche League. A sanctimommy started ranting. Maybe how formula is poison, or cloth diapers will destroy the earth, or lizard aliens push vaccines on unsuspecting earthlings. Your eyes met hers. And in synch, they rolled.
In the sleep-deprived trenches of motherhood, your MBFF (mom best friend forever) is always there to lend a hand or a buttwipe. Here are 11 signs that you’ve found her…
1. She’s seen your dirty laundry, literal and figurative. You don’t clean when she comes over – in fact, she’s lucky if you manage to put on a bra. Your lady knows that if she wants to sit on the couch, she’s gotta move the laundry. If it’s clean, she might just sit on top of it. That’s love.
And just like she’s seen your house at its worse, she’s seen you the same way. She knows you sometimes morph into Mommy Dearest when you’re extra low on sleep and caffeine. You yell, you threaten, you tell little darling you’ll throw his Duplos in the garbage if he dumps them one.more.freaking.time. Except you don’t say “freaking.” She hands you a glass of wine and pats your back. That’s true love.
2. She’s picked up the pet names you use. You’ve caught her asking, offhandedly, how Prince Tinypants is doing at potty training. When she called your kid Prince Tinypants, it seemed normal.
3. She can parent your kids – and you can parent hers. You might kill your mother-in-law for telling your kids what to do, but if your BFF barks an order, they better hop to – or else. In fact, you might be standing right there when she tells Prince Tinypants to stop grabbing his penis in Target. And you’ve certainly told the kid she calls MumMums to stop hawking loogies at the dog. And he listened, too.
4. She’s always there to say you don’t suck. When a grandmother tells you off because Prince Tinypants bit her kid at open gym, you can call your MBFF and weep into your cell phone from the parking lot. “She said he’s a m-m-m-monster,” you stutter.
“You’re on the rag and she’s a raging troll bitch,” your MBFF says.
“You’re right,” you sniffle. “And I am on the rag.”
5. She sticks up for you. In fact, the raging troll bitch never would have reduced you to tears if your MBFF had been there. Maybe your MBFF would have just stood behind you and glared, thus stopping the troll mid-rant. Maybe she’d have shouted her down in a delightfully Jerry Springer-esque hold-my-earrings sort of moment. Or maybe she have positioned herself behind the troll and just made blowjob motions with her mouth until she shut up. But whatever had happened wouldn’t have ended with a puddle of tears. Except possibly for the troll bitch.
6. She listens to you complain about …. well, anything. She knows you love your dear partner, and his/her inability to shut drawers doesn’t a divorce make. Your MBFF knows your feelings on each sister-in-law, your mother, your kids, and even your dog. You know the same about her. Sometimes, you just need an open ear and a shut mouth – someone to listen to how you’re worried Prince Tinypants is a budding sociopath. That’s your MBFF.
7. You pick up each other’s slack. Did you forget cookies for the PTA meeting? She’ll stop at Publix on her way over. Did she forget baby wipes? You’ve got a buttwipe with her name on it. She’ll always buy you a coffee on her way to the playdate – and she doesn’t need to ask how you take it. Even your husband can’t manage that.
8. Your cycles have synched. Someone’s aggressive-uterus overpowered the other, and wham! You always know when you’re MBFF has a visit from Aunt Flo, because she’s camped out at your place, too. You’ve bonded over cramps, and weighed the best period options: tampon? Maxi? Reuseable pad or cup? You know way too much about each other’s vaginas by now.
9. You’ve given up on quarantines. Her kids have the snots? Your kids are bound to have them in a day, so you might as well get your ass over there and parent for her while she recovers. You don’t worry about passing germs back and forth, because by the time they surface, the damage is done.
10. You’ve helped her clean. There are no secrets here. You know the disaster that is her master bath, and she knows what your dining room looks like. You’ve done her dishes. She’s scrubbed your bathroom. You’ve washed floors and wiped tables and even probably cleaned snot off each other’s kids. Maybe poop. It takes true love to clean up someone else’s poop.
11. Sister wives make sense. You know your life would be so much easier if you could just shack up, share childcare, divide up housework, and not spend all your time talking to people the approximate size of hobbits. Except for that husband-sharing part, you’re in. Maybe you can compromise with a compound. Don’t lie: you and your MBFF have discussed it.
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