14 Conversations I Have With Myself As I'm Being Fleeced At Whole Foods

I try to avoid Whole Foods, but sometimes I find myself sucked in unexpectedly, like one might suddenly find oneself pawing an expensive frock in a snooty boutique. Below, the 14 conversations I have with myself when I’m in Whole Foods.

1. Whole Foods has such a broad array of ethnic foods, from frozen pad see ew to artisanal Caribbean snacks. Sheesh, this is a really authentic way to learn about other cultures.

2. Is this Ikea? I have the same feeling: It’s too big. I’m panicking. I’m hurling random things into my cart. Do I really need another step stool? Do I really need a jar of something called Borsari for $5.99?

3. I’ve never had Perky Jerky but now I MUST HAVE SOME.

4. That’s too many choices for bacon. I need some help. Oh, here comes someone. He is my Bearded Guide-Hipster.

5. Do they have, like, a production designer? Every single item is perfect and staged. The banana bunches are hung on individual hooks. Did the fruit unionize and demand their own cubicles? The fish looks like it had to audition to get in here.

6. You know what is a very good dinner for a family of four? A carton of yucca fries and a hand-churned-cheese Danish.

7. I like these artisanal Caribbean snacks. There goes $40.

8. Tomatoes are not in season. How are their tomatoes so beautiful? What kind of hellish bargain have they struck with Australia for tomatoes?

9. What can I make with Borsari? It seems to be a kind of pepper? Label says: “Use as you would pepper.”

10. The problem with my eating six packages of chocolate pudding is not whether it is organic or not.

11. Do they employ every pen-and-ink artist in Vermont to sketch all these farms? Every package has a farm or a baby or a rainbow.

12. Low-fat Veganaise is so far from mayonnaise that it must taste like glue.

13. I’m pretty sure my mother never needed 30 kinds of salt to make a meal.

14. I’ve just spent $120 here, and I still have to stop at Trader Joe’s.