Kids are just sober versions of drunk you – laughing, crying, then puking everywhere.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 13, 2015
I think I carry most of my weight in my eyelids in the mornings.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 10, 2015
I do some of my best detective work when I'm pinpointing which kid at which birthday party is to blame for my family's most recent plague.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 14, 2015
I don't care if I have a new one. I will use this stick of deodorant until it gets so low that the plastic makes my armpits bleed.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 12, 2015
Fighting with a box of Saran Wrap will be what sends me over the edge.
— Jandalize (@Jandalize) August 11, 2015
Seriously, I'm like the hottest chick at this senior citizens' bingo game right now.
— The Miller's Tale (@JaneBadall) August 12, 2015
At the meeting my kid's teacher said she doesn't give tons of homework. All the parents cheered & french kissed her. KIDDING We didn't cheer
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) August 14, 2015
Two hits: me trying to hit the fly on this table, everything on the table hitting the floor.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 12, 2015
Camping with your family is great cause there are so many convenient places to hide the bodies when you go on a murderous rampage.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) August 12, 2015
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 8, 2015
I can't wait to show my kids' new college roommates my mad Zumba skills.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) August 8, 2015
"I want to bankrupt everyone!" – 9yo playing Monopoly OMG, I'm raising Alex P. Keaton
— Scienceof Parenthood (@SciofParenthood) August 12, 2015
"Soda makes like a party in my brain HA HA HA BRAIN PARTY!!!" - My 10yo, who apparently is terrible at hiding when Grandpa sneaks him soda
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 13, 2015
My spirit animal is this kid at my son's football practice that just stands and cries every time he's told he has to run
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 13, 2015
It's not a real family vacation until you tell your kids they're awful and you're never taking them on another vacation after this.
— RachRiot (@RachRiot) August 11, 2015