I’ve determined that I’m a special breed of superhero, because I have powers no one else in my house possesses. At my house, I am evidently the only human who can do the following:
1. Replace the toilet paper roll. Maybe my family members haven’t mastered the push and pull trick of the toilet paper roll holder, or perhaps they’re afraid of pinching their fingers, but really. This isn’t rocket science. (And FYI, leaving two sheets of paper on the roll to avoid having to change it is cheating.)
2. Throw away food wrappers. Muffin wrappers and cheese stick wrappers, in particular. I usually find them on the kitchen counter, within eight inches of the garbage can.
3. Throw away paper scraps. “Let’s make snowflakes!” Noooooooooo!!!! Wait, how about you pay me a quarter for every paper scrap you don’t pick up? (Yes! Gonna be a gazillionaire.)
4. Throw away or recycle empty food containers. Half the time they get left on the counter, and the other half they end up back in the refrigerator. What the hell, people?
5. Throw away or recycle anything, really. This isn’t just my family, right? The garbage is RIGHT THERE. Barely three steps from any spot in the kitchen.
6. Notice that the garbage can or recycling is overflowing. I can only assume this is related to the inability to throw anything away. I think I’m literally the only person in the family who can see garbage at all. It’s like a really sucky superpower.
7. Hang a hand towel back up. My four-year-old gets a pass because he can’t reach the ring in the bathroom. Everyone else can suck it up, pick it up, and hang it up. Except they never do.
8. Hang a bath towel up. Ditto #7.
9. Get clothes actually INTO the hamper. Tossing dirty clothes on the floor right in front of the hamper is just mean. Seriously—it’s RIGHT. THERE.
10. Put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It’s what the blessed contraption is for—it even says so right there in the name. A trained monkey could recognize a dirty dish and put it in the dishwasher. Why is this befuddling?
11. Answer questions. I appreciate that you seem to think I know everything, but really, you come into the other room to ask me a question when your father was standing RIGHT THERE? Give him a chance. I’m sure he knows almost as much as I do.
12. Find things that are missing throughout the house. My people seem to think that looking for something they can’t find means standing in one spot, desperately complaining that they can’t find it.
13. Find food that’s right there on the shelf in the refrigerator. They also think that looking for something in the fridge means standing with the open door in one hand, while waiting for the item to spontaneously fall into the other.
14. Find food in the door of the refrigerator. This should theoretically be easier, shouldn’t it? “It’s RIGHT THERE. In the door. No, the DOOR. That thing you’re HOLDING WITH YOUR HAND.”
15. Kiss booboos to make them all better. Okay, this one is pretty legit, though I’m sure Daddy’s lips have almost as much magic as mine.
I know I’m irreplaceable as a mom and all, but I’m 99.78% sure I’m not the only one capable of doing the things on this list. Am I the only mom with such seemingly indomitable superpowers?
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