20 Things I Wish PBS Would Teach My Kids

My kids just love PBS and they learn a lot of impressive things like an avalanche can be up to 80 miles an hour fast, the sky is blue because of light frequency being filtered through the Earth’s atmosphere, and that 4+3=7. Plus all of the regular stuff like colors and shapes.

But still, day after day of puppets and animated dinosaurs teaching sharing, table manners, and the importance of curiosity are just not enough for a kid to make it in this dog eat dog world. Wouldn’t it be great if PBS would roll out a show of practical life lessons for kids? I’m not talking about how to be patient or to wait your turn; I mean lessons like do not poke the angry bear.

And let us not stop at the angry bear that just got poked. Let’s include these 20 lessons too!

1. Do not barge into Mom and Dad’s bedroom without knocking.

2. Same goes for the bathroom.

3. Chasing the dog with a spatula while screaming siren sounds is not cool.

4. Neither is sneaking your dinner under the table to feed him.

5. Despite your deepest suspicions, the bath water will not kill you.

6. The couch is not a ninja dojo.

7. Girls don’t want to be whacked with a stick or called goobers.

8. DO NOT stick chewing gum to the bottom of the chair.

9. And for God’s sake do not try to eat the gum you stuck under the chair!

10. We do not play real life Fruit Ninja with a real knife and actual bananas.

11. Those were organic and cost $47 for crying out loud.

12. If you step in dog poop outside then have the good sense to take your shoes off BEFORE you come inside.

13. An entire roll of toilet paper will not flush down the toilet.

14. You can’t call your brother a dumbass no matter what you think to the contrary.

15. When Mom tells you not to hit your brother you cannot resort to wiping your boogers on him instead.

16. You need water and soap to wash your hands. Not just water and certainly not an entire bottle of soap.

17. Even if they are called washable markers you may NOT color the walls, floors, or your belly. Or your brother!

18. If you whack another kid with your plastic sword he will probably whack you back.

19. When we said, “use your words,” we did not mean whiney tantrums.

20. If you make a mess and you don’t clean it up even after you got three warnings then mom will probably lose her shit.

Maybe PBS could even jazz up the entertainment value for parents by having Daniel Tiger get his whiney ass sent to a serious time out. One of Abby Cadabby’s spells could backfire and turn the shrill little fairy into a houseplant. There are so many ways in which PBS could throw parents a bone that might leave kids with the lasting impression that acting like a turd will catch them some hell out in the real world.

Related post: My Kids Watch Way Too Much TV And I Don’t Care